GirlNextDoor94 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Hey everyone, it's my first post here!I know it's super long but hopefully you guys dont mind reading Im almost 19, and I haven't ever been in a real relationship... Now it was never because I didn't have the chance, it was because I just wasn't ready. My parents didn't want me to date (plus of growing up in an East Indian family) and I didn't want to lie to them so i kept out of the dating scene. Fast forward to first year of university, I finally give in to having my first kiss (like dating, i always avoided it because I was a shy girl, and wanted it to be with the perfect guy) well my first kiss felt like nothing. It was with a attractive guy, but i only knew him for a day, i could tell that he was using me so i wasnt impressed, and i wasn't feeling good so it all turned out to not feeling like anything. It didn't bother me,but i suddenly lost interest in guys though, 2 months ago is when my nightmare started. Now let me let you guys know, I have OCD, and this year has been really bad for it. In January, i feared that I had a brain tumor, then I feared I was Schizo etc..well two months ago, I started fearing I was lesbian after i googled "Why did i lose interest in guys" and someone suggested that being lesbian could be it. I lost it, anxiety, crying, I couldnt look at girls, i avoided all my girl friends, stopped watching TV and youtube videos incase i saw a girl, I even told my parents and my close friends that i thought i was lesbian but nothing brought relief. This type of OCD is called HOCD on the internet, but i always doubt i have it because well...thats what OCD is, you doubt everything. I am not anxious currently with the thoughts, lesbian thoughts are scarily arousing me (in the most non pleasant way) im not sure if you guys know how OCD works, but you get used to the thought, and it doesn't give you anxiety so now you're anxious that you're not anxious. I just dont get it, i've liked 30+ guys since Kindergarten all the way up to the first 2 months of university (November) Never did I have sexual thoughts to be with a girl, and always obsessed over guys. It only started happening when i googled it...and that my first kiss felt like nothing. After a lot of soul searching, i still have these lesbian thoughts (I mentally test what i would do with a girl, and i picture what i would do if i started getting sexual with one, one part of my brain says "what if you want it" and the other part of my brain knows i would run away screaming but i feel like im repressing it and somehow google made me discover my inner lesbian)...what i've noticed though is i fear of having an emotional attraction to girls because somewhere my emotional attraction to guys is lacking recently. I think im confusing friendship with girls as something sexual because im lacking it with guys recently. This could all be because of my OCD and depression, the stress of first year science could have brought it on, but i just CANT stop worrying about it. I know i would like to have sex with a guy, but my fear of emotional attraction is very much there along with the intrusive thoughts about being sexual with girls. I soon started fearing i was aromantic (not wanting to be romantic) i always dreamed of having a family with a guy. But now i keep questioning my past, "did i ever want to be romantic?". See if i was aromantic or lesbian wouldnt i be HAPPY knowing i was? if i didnt want to date i dont think i would be posting here, but it just feels like i dont want too. But it is definitely bothering me considering i think about it at least 10 hours a day. Maybe i just haven't found the right guy? I am always really picky with guys, and when i liked them in the past i would stop liking them when they liked me because i found something wrong. Now not finding guys attractive anymore and not wanting to date them is driving me CRAZY. I feel like i want to do nothing, not date, not fall in love, not have a family despite that was what i wanted the first 18 years of my life. I don't know why im making this such a big deal but this is a real fear to me. Im scared for my future, it's like i want a relationship but somethings holding me back. My laziness to be in a relationship? My criticalness? something...but im confused For whoever read this whole thing, i really appreciate it... Edited May 31, 2013 by GirlNextDoor94
umirano Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Girl, calm the f... down There are a lot of bad kissers out there, so if you don't "feel" anything when kissing, that doesn't mean anything. Are you lesbian? Idk, but if you were, would it be the end of the world? No, so keep your cool. And you're 19, how would you know anyway. First get some sexual experience. I don't think you're a hardwired lesbian if you didn't have any lesbian fantasies ever before, but I'm no expert. At your age most everyone is curious. So just chill for a moment. If you don't want to date, don't date. When you feel the need to, just be cool about it. Otherwise it's not very ladylike Don't worry so much about your sexuality. Worry about the people you get together with, that's much more important and has a much greater impact on your well being. Once you hang out with people you're comfortable with, you will become comfortable with who you are, be it straight, lesbian or something in between (it's a continuum, not a binary thing). And separate sex from love. It's not the same thing. People may tell you they love you, just to get sexual with you, both men and women. Or you may confuse the two if you aren't careful. Take care!
crederer Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Ok, I didn't read your whole post because it was hella long. Just do what feels right. Also, a lot of times the first time (whether it be a kiss or sex) is awkward for people that are emotionally invested. So just because it was bad once or twice doesn't mean it'll be bad down the road. You have nothing to lose, keep your chin up and don't get too quick to write someone off because it wasn't some hollywood type of romance from the start.
Author GirlNextDoor94 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 umirano- Hahaha, okay i chuckled at myself reading my post over again; i do need to calm down. Honestly I'm fearing that I will never want to date because I don't feel like it. But I'm not happy with not wanting to date, so there is obviously something in me that wants too, if you get what i mean. Yeah I don't know why being lesbian feels weird/not what i want to me. It's not cause of the social stigma but it just wouldn't right to me but my OCD says otherwise. It sucks because I could honestly get guys (I say that in the most non self-centered, superficial way) but i just don't want to and it upsets me! crederer- Yeah my post is hella long haha, guess i was venting, and went on a random tangent; but thank you for replying anyway! I guess only time can tell...
umirano Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 With 19 you simply don't have a right to use the words "never", "always" and such when talking about what you will do or be. What you feel like today has nothing to do with what you will feel like in 1, 3, 6 or 12 months. Let alone in more time... Now you're forming your adult self. You'll start an academic education or professional training. Every month you will meet new people and they'll influence you. This process won't stop at least until the late 20s. So just don't date if you don't feel like it. And when someone chats you up who seems nice enough go for a drink with him (or whatever it is you fancy). Doesn't cost you anything except for an hour or two of your time. What's the big deal? And if no one excites you enough or if you have more fun / interesting things to do then don't get all worked up about it. It isn't like dating will be banned in a years time. You can always start dating. Also, you might be interested to know that "dating" isn't how it works for most of humanity. It's a pretty USian concept. In Europe people just meet (sports, work, studies) and then decide to have a drink. No one obsesses about getting dates all the time and lining them up. You're not in or out of the dating process. You just go on a date, when something comes up. No one in my circles ever spent even a minute pondering whether he or she's dating or not. I have always wondered why the Americans need a special word for that...
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