DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I talked about this offline with a couple of people but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get. WHY won't he leave me alone? Yep I heard from xMOM again. Email to my word email address, sent 15 minutes after I left the office for the day. This time his breadcrumb was not so benign. It was actually a low blow in the guise of a smile. Him not knowing my state of mind, it could actually border on cruel. This was personal and not work related even a little. By his usual standard operating procedure of breadcrumbs he's about a week early. 4 months ago, on dday, when he said "I need to end this relationship" It was over instantly. No muss, no fuss, no hissy fit. I didn't ask questions. I said "Ok. I understand" The End. I have never initialed any contact. I have not texted. I have not called his phone and hung up. I have not emailed. I have not cyberstalked. I have not driven by his house. I have left him alone. I responded to 2 lame work excuses of contact with approximately 5 words total. And I said "Thank you" once. I have stayed NC as completely as possible in a work environment. I have not engaged. I'm not trying to paint him as an assmonkey but that's really what I am starting to think. It's like he has to "check in" every couple of weeks to see if I still "hate him". I heard he already has another OW. Sooooo..... What is the deal here? 4 months. FOUR months ago. And I've been getting breadcrumbs since NC day 9. He's not really "stepping up the game" unless you call a low blow stepping up the game. I'm trying to get to a point of indifference. This crap happens and it rocks me for a couple of days. Yes, I am looking for a new job but it's not going to happen overnight.
Goodbye Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I guess you need to fake indifference until you can achieve it. What did the email of today say? And yes, I do think you need to get a different job, which is really unfortunate. It sounds like his email today was mean? Does his W know about the affair? He has a lot of gumption.
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 His wife does know. But I'm fairly certain he downplayed the whole thing. The email was yesterday... I've just been stewing about it for the whole fricken day and yesterday. Like I said... it's a low blow in the guise of something nice, but when you think about the nature of our past relationship... it's really kind of cruel. Maybe he wants to be friends....and just as soon as I get written permission from his wife.... I'll consider it. NOT!
Clemenza Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Because he is in love with you. I think part of loving someone is respecting their boundaries and treating the situation with some class. 7
metal_chick Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I think part of loving someone is respecting their boundaries and treating the situation with some class. SO true! :-) Love and infatuation are definitely 2 different things. xMM is infatuated with DO, I wouldn't call it love... 2
zevahc Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I wish I were wired like you...i'm in a work situation too that seems all but impossible...you know, you've posted there trying to encourage me. I'm not saying I can't get through it...but I'm wired differently than the person I need to be right now.
Bailey14 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Because he is in love with you. How do you know that???
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Because he is in love with you. Pierre, that is the last thing I expected to hear from you. But, no. I don't think so. And if he imagines that he is, then he is in love with a fantasy. We were never real and in an impossible, no-win situation of our own stupid creation. I wish I were wired like you...i'm in a work situation too that seems all but impossible...you know, you've posted there trying to encourage me. I'm not saying I can't get through it...but I'm wired differently than the person I need to be right now. Maybe I make it seem easier than it actually is for me. It is very hard, I struggle with it everyday and I know, beyond a doubt now, that leaving my job is inevitable. My price to pay for this ... well one of them.
bellasue Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Hmmmm.......so Pierre.......if my particular xMM hasn't contacted me at all, does that mean he loved me less? Or not at all? : )
Got it Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I talked about this offline with a couple of people but the more I think about it the more pissed off I get. WHY won't he leave me alone? Yep I heard from xMOM again. Email to my word email address, sent 15 minutes after I left the office for the day. This time his breadcrumb was not so benign. It was actually a low blow in the guise of a smile. Him not knowing my state of mind, it could actually border on cruel. This was personal and not work related even a little. By his usual standard operating procedure of breadcrumbs he's about a week early. 4 months ago, on dday, when he said "I need to end this relationship" It was over instantly. No muss, no fuss, no hissy fit. I didn't ask questions. I said "Ok. I understand" The End. I have never initialed any contact. I have not texted. I have not called his phone and hung up. I have not emailed. I have not cyberstalked. I have not driven by his house. I have left him alone. I responded to 2 lame work excuses of contact with approximately 5 words total. And I said "Thank you" once. I have stayed NC as completely as possible in a work environment. I have not engaged. I'm not trying to paint him as an assmonkey but that's really what I am starting to think. It's like he has to "check in" every couple of weeks to see if I still "hate him". I heard he already has another OW. Sooooo..... What is the deal here? 4 months. FOUR months ago. And I've been getting breadcrumbs since NC day 9. He's not really "stepping up the game" unless you call a low blow stepping up the game. I'm trying to get to a point of indifference. This crap happens and it rocks me for a couple of days. Yes, I am looking for a new job but it's not going to happen overnight. Delusional, I recommend reading The Clown story for some insight on why he isn't going away. He wants to keep the door open and keep you hanging on to some degree. (((((D))))))
thefooloftheyear Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Hmmmm.......so Pierre.......if my particular xMM hasn't contacted me at all, does that mean he loved me less? Or not at all? : ) Ill give you my take.. There really is no way to know for sure unless he himself answered the question and was honest about it... Could have been more....could have been less.. I love(loved?) my OW even after she ended it..I never contacted her because frankly it was too painful...It didnt mean that I didnt care or love that person. Its a twisted tale...The point is dont assume that he didnt love you or care because of the lack of contact. Same can be said for the OP..There really is no way to know..People handle things differently than others. TFY 2
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 And that fuels the love. Selfish love! Love in the bubble! That actually makes me sad. Hmmmm.......so Pierre.......if my particular xMM hasn't contacted me at all, does that mean he loved me less? Or not at all? : ) YET. You haven't heard from him yet. Not all, but a majority of us ultimately hear from them in some form. Don't think that it's a good thing, it's not. Delusional, I recommend reading The Clown story for some insight on why he isn't going away. He wants to keep the door open and keep you hanging on to some degree. (((((D)))))) I did read it on another post. It's very good. One of the reasons I have not engaged is because I refuse to treated like crap and let him think it's ok. This contact was a bit of a shock. A bit of a slap in the face...depending on how you take it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But again, thru all these months....this is the only breadcrumb that was highly personal. Thank you all for your insights and advice. This has occupied way too much real estate in my head. Time to let it go and move on.
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 You need to Fwd that email to his wife, with the plea: Please ask your husband to leave me the hell alone. I'm getting rather tired of his constant unnecessary approaches. Thank you. 2
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) One of my favorite songs. That's why it's so sad.... It has nothing at all to do with me. It's all about him. And I mean so little that in his head, it's ok to mess with my heart, my mind and my job. Edited May 31, 2013 by DelusionalOne
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Whether you mean little or a lot to him is moot. You are who you are. Your value is not dependent of his evaluation of you. That is why you are so attached. You lost the external input. Yes... I meant mean so little to him. My value is not dependent upon his opinion of me. I never claimed not to be attached. But I am working on not being attached. Again, I do not engage. I would probably get further along in the process if he would fill his need for attention/validation in his W or new OW and leave me alone.
bellasue Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I agree with your latter statement. As a philosophical point: If a woman broke up with me i rather find out that she does not love me at all. That would speed up my healing process as there would be ZERO hope. If a woman broke up with me and I knew she was still pining for me that would delay the healing process quite a bit. Nevertheless, most people want to acknowledged they are loved (despite the irreversible break up). I think this is 100% correct. You're right.....knowing there is no hope has sped up the process in my case. The only reason why sometimes I wonder about whether he loved me or not is because in the context of the affair, I gave of myself in ways that I haven't in a really long time. Opened up emotionally and shared stuff. To have it abruptly stopped is a slap to the face and a MAJOR blow to the ego......just sayin'. To DO: I think it is SO wrong to throw back intensely personal breadcrumbs. Borderlines on cruel. If it were me, that would make me really mad......steaming mad even. Take a few really deep breaths and try to just ignore, ignore, ignore! Hopefully eventually the dude will get a clue. Then again, probably not. 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Love is real in most affairs. Selfish love translates into "want, got to have it". He either got over it, or actually suffers from unselfish love and knows it is better to set you free. OMG Pierre...this is IT. This is what's so hard about NC for me. Both of these look feelings look the same to an outsider. I know what you're going to say- it doesn't matter what he thinks, that's the whole nature of 'moving on'. Sigh. I look like I'm totally over it, but I'm really just backing off bc we are in need of total NC to end this. Even a work situation would never ever work together. We have to be dead to each other after all that's happened. 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Love is real in most affairs. Selfish love translates into "want, got to have it". He either got over it, or actually suffers from unselfish love and knows it is better to set you free. I just noticed something. And I know that this type of thinking is very necessary to heal and move on. Recognize the love as: -external validation -loving the feeling, not the person -acknowledge as selfish love- want it, got to have it love. But we only use these terms when talking about an A. Of course, when I say "A" I mean one with a deep emotional and maybe physical component over a longer period of time (though it depends on the people). If two people were married and desperately trying to save their relationship, we would NOT use these terms. Why? Love is love is love is love........there is a component of all the things I listed in both a healthy relationship and a non healthy relationship. Both these types of relationships can be in the context of a marriage, an affair, or a boyfriend/girlfriend committed relationship. As to OP's story- I just think he doesn't want you to forget him. He doesn't have the self control you do. He SAID the words ending it because he has the logic/reason necessary to recognize it had to be done...but he doesn't possess the self restraint necessary to follow through. Um, plus Delusional One's 'above the fray' composure probably makes her crazy attractive to him. LOL. Because it shows she knows her self worth. Man, we have to get you to change your username DO! 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Man, we have to get you to change your username DO! You wouldn't be saying that if you saw me 4 months ago.
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 No, but she's saying it now.... And i agree.... You are far removed from being delusional..... 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 This as really turning into an insightful post for me. Thank you all. I was initial afraid to post it because I was afraid that I would somehow be chewed apart. But I was so hurt that he would take such a cheap shot at me and then so angry that I just had to vent. Kinda why I don't think there is any attraction/love there. You don't take pot shots at people you care about. Maybe it's his way of getting over the "addiction". You know contact me... it takes the edge off for a couple of weeks...then contact again. I don't know.... all I know is that you don't have the right to hurt someone else (W or OW) because you don't know what you want. And if you don't know what you want, you don't deserve what you have. Just sayin. 2
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I'm taking this opportunity to repeat my advice. And I can see absolutely no reason whatsoever why you should not do it. he has consistently broken his word - to her and to you. Drop him in it. With the evidence. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I'm taking this opportunity to repeat my advice. And I can see absolutely no reason whatsoever why you should not do it. he has consistently broken his word - to her and to you. Drop him in it. With the evidence. Well, I don't have her email address or their home phone number. I only ever had his contact info which I am sure is probably blocked. I never tried so I don't know for sure. Honestly, if someone is going to take him down, I'm really hoping it will be his new OW. He got "caught" once... I can't imagine that the W radar isn't up. Although, I know from experience that they become much more "careful" the second time around.
metal_chick Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 You know my stance... spilling to the wife is something that needs to be carefully considered and if it's going to cause more grief than sitting on the secret, it should just stay quiet. But this guy is freakin' predatory. If you do find a way to let his wife know, do it. What a creep...
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 You know my stance... spilling to the wife is something that needs to be carefully considered and if it's going to cause more grief than sitting on the secret, it should just stay quiet. But this guy is freakin' predatory. If you do find a way to let his wife know, do it. What a creep... You know my thoughts on that as well...she already knows and I have done nothing. He is now on her watch. If she chooses to look the other way then turning a blind eye is the direction she wants to take it. Predatory. I'd hate to think that about him. It may well be true though.
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