lavenderlove Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I know I shouldn't have. I looked through some of our old pics last night and videos. I felt kind of lonely. It was a bad idea. As I was looking through them I noticed something. My ex sweetheart was just not there. Hard to explain. He was disconnected and kind of aloof and the whole thing, like taking the video or doing what we were doing on the video (like rolling off sandy dunes on a beach) was a pain an annoying thing for him, and it seems he just either didn't care or wished to be elsewhere. It is so strange how clear it became to me that for such a long time he didn't love me anymore. So in my head I have rewinded the time we have been together season by season, looking for a time when we were truly happy and to a time we were in love. And instead more negative realisations came about him-now seeing him in this new light made me connect some dots-and I realised he was such an awful person. I know it is a very one sided viewpoint but then I used to hold up the exact opposite, so maybe it is high time I put him away into the relevant part of my mind AS he is. It seems to me, that for some reason he liked being with me. Or just liked to be in a relationship with someone suitable. I was very young when we met, he was a lot older and I think he manipulated me in many ways and because he has been in two 6 year relationships before ours, by experience he knew how to keep me content for a long time. But what I have seen last night was the staff that lies beneath. I guess we broke up, because he just couldn't keep up his lies, or maybe marrying me was meant going too far. After all this hard thinking I went to sleep, and I had the worst worst nightmare. He was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. For the whole dream I felt so used and bad, that even now, (I have had a coffee already) I can still feel the pain. By the way, when we met he was a in a long distance relationship with his ex, which I didn't know. A few weeks into our RS I remember one night his mobile kept ringing and ringing and that is when he told me he had a girlfriend he broke up with. The way I read this is that he cheated not by taking an other women, but by not being there wholeheartedly. Maybe this is what I felt in my dream so vividly. I had a closure discussion with him nearly a month ago, and that's when I saw some of his true colours. When it didn't matter anymore. And now with last night experience that weird inkling I had all along is fully justified. There is one problem with this. I have no clue how am I going to have any confidence in my ability to find someone who is not a psycho, if it took me 8 years to figure this one out. They say love is blind. But why? Really why? what biological use does this mental fog serve? Anyone?
lost.girl Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I found a study where they prove love literally rewires your brain so you can't make those negative connections. Quoting it "strong emotional ties to another person inhibit not only negative emotions but also affect the brain circuits involved in making social judgments about that person." Give it a read maybe it will help you understand it's not always your fault, it's just how are brains are wired. Love really is blind - Science - www.theage.com.au
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