IsThisAll Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I apologise in advance for the length but PLEASE read. Even the views will be encouraging if I get no replies. In a couple of months, I'll finally be 21. I'm a chronic self reflector but hitting a milestone birthday/real adulthood has made me realise how incapable I seem to be at starting, developing or sustaining healthy relationships. In the 6 years that have passed since I first interacted with boys romantically, I've been asked to be a girlfriend once - at 15 by the guy with whom I had my first sexual encounters with (not full penetrative sex however) on the very first time meeting him. I broke up with him 3 weeks later as I felt like I'd only said yes because someone finally wanted to make me theirs. At this age I was seriously insecure. I was very vulnerable, had a past with self harm and suffered from immense daddy issues. At one point, I felt that the only way to get a guy to like me or want to be with me romantically, was to be sexually intimate with him and of course I ended up being used, abused and even raped. After moving on to college (16 - 17), I tried to give myself a fresh start, being significantly less insecure. My social side began to flourish and although I wasn't one of the girls that every guy wanted, I talked to a lot of people and the few guys who did show interest seemed genuine. From then onwards, guys would show interest, I'd show interest (or in one case after many months we'd become more intimate) & then they'd go MIA or suddenly lose interest. It was a vicious cycle. I suspected at the time, I still had my own issues and that I could've been coming across as needy so I focused on myself and went cold turkey on guys for a good YEAR AND A HALF. No dates, kisses, hands, hugs, nothing & I met someone who although was not immensely attractive to me, was an amazing person. We never became official and after confiding in him about an incident that occurred, despite him being adamant that we shouldn't go out as he was due to leave for uni, he also went MIA and suddenly entered a relationship with someone 2 weeks after inviting me over to meet his mum... At this point I was 18, annoyed, (sexually) frustrated and stupidly decided to enter a FWB (friends with benefits) arrangement with a guy who was once a good friend and that I had been on a couple of dates with in the past, but who had gone MIA after, as mentioned. At the beginning I had no feelings & attempted convincing myself I wouldn't get any but 8 months in I pretty was in love - for the first time - with the guy. Bare in mind magically somehow I still hadn't had vaginal sex as I'd convinced myself I'd have and really enjoy it in somewhat of a 'healthy' loving relationship even if it wasn't official. I tried to tell him how I felt, failed, he told me what I wanted to hear and surprisingly I had pretty much cried my heart out and entered severe depression and anxiety (clinically diagnosed) before that occurred as I'd told myself he didn't feel the same - & boy from his actions, I was correct - and so him suddenly disappearing after, didn't phase me. In fact it was refreshing because for some reason I felt like I hadn't the strength to leave the 'arrangement' myself. Since that guy a couple of years ago, I obviously made myself aware those types of arrangements aren't good for me and I started focusing on myself yet again. I became and am so independent to the point where I now go to museums, concerts and even have travelled to the other side of the World alone and thoroughly enjoy it! However in the couple of years that have passed, I still am encountering this same cycle of guys who show interest and then suddenly lose it. I'm not ugly. In fact since about 17, I've been constantly asked why I'm single (due to my attractiveness) and I'm sure that from the complexity of my 'love' life story you can see why I struggle to find excuses to feed people with in response to that. I'm very intelligent, a straight A student, far from immature and open minded. My friends have suggested that I could be too intimate/not mysterious enough too early on which I definitely considered but even that consciously considered, guys still lose interest. A friend suggested I must be meeting them in the wrong places, but even the guys who seem like great contenders early on, lose interest. I even joined a dating site near the end of last year & have since met up with 3 guys off there. The first guy decided on the second date he'd like to try and get in my pants in the cinema which I wasn't having. The second confided after the first date that he was only looking for fun and the third decided to string me along for a while after the first date before giving me a final tip off that he wasn't interested. I don't dress promiscuously and am far from introverted or overly shy. In fact, for those of you familiar with the MBTI types, I'm an ENFJ so I love interacting with people in general. I'm not really sure what I was hoping to gain from posting this. Maybe some sort of reassurance that I'm not alone or even some advice on what it could be that seems to be deterring anyone from developing a relationship with me to a further stage. I don't need any negative responses please. If you read this far, even if you don't reply, I'd like to thank you for your time and reading my story. x 1
OrangeSnack Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 You sound like a nice gal but I'm not sure if you're my type. I get really turned off by girls who know and think they are attractive. Sometimes for me overconfidence on a girl can be, well not intimidating, just a bit unattractive. It's kind of like me talking to a girl and I find out that she likes sports. GREAT. Then as I dig deeper, she begins to know more about sports than I do. Yikes! Additionally, I think you're going after the wrong guys or perhaps I am wrong and the right person/prince charming has not come your way. I truly truly believe that there is someone out there for all of us. I think we need to just be ourselves, act natural, and not try to be someone else. I think I have learned a lot throughout each relationship that if you go with your instincts and judgement, the results could be a lot better than what your friends or the loveshack community tells you. We are all different and we act differently. If they aren't the right one for you, just move on and don't lose hope. Good Luck! 1
todreaminblue Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hey, read your story, I have a history not going into it on your thread have posted it in many threads, slices here and there, sex has been a real down point in my history many times........i relate to what you said about feeling like sex was key with men.......and for a lot fo men....it is key.......doesnt make them right though.....or the right men for you ....or even for me......doesnt help a relationship i feel to have sex early on......if anything...it damages it......i have been celibate and taken time off from dating men for quite a few years now......i can do it on my own...no i dont mean masturbate...i mean life in general....which to me is key....life and choosing to have one.,..... being with someone in a sexual relationship is not key .....not for personal happiness...being with the right man for you is key to adding to or enhancing personal happiness......you will find who is right for you when you find that happiness with yourself.....you arent alone.........there are volumes of people looking for the one who gets them and who they get .....i think you have to accept your past to move on from it....and maybe you haven't.....i find mine hard to deal with......but.... as i said i have taken a few years to come to grips with my flaws...lol....and they are many.....but.....i know my good points and i am trying to concentrate on all of them .....i think i have a balance there now...... i dont know if being mysterious is a plus or a minus...it turns some guys off....if you look at it like this...e.veryone is a mystery until you get to know them........you have the voyeurs who just liek thsi stage and jump aroudn in there gettign to knwo soemone unravelling the mystery and then disappearing......never really getting the whole picture.......deb 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I'm going to write a couple of lines: First of all, you don't need a guy, have to have one, or require one as a mandatory thing for a girl of your age. Secondly, you may be 21 soon, and as such be hitting a milestone according to social convention, of adulthood, but believe me when I tell you, you're only an adult because for some reason, the age of 21 seems to have been a favoured in the USA although it's a huge variable, globally. So the actual number really means nothing.... And what's more, your brain isn't fully 'done' yet. You're still in your formative stages, so no wonder you're confused... I think first and foremost, you need to quit stressing about guys and their flakiness... If they were near your age, then guess what? Their brains were also at a developing stage.... Try to chill, not 'run' and just enjoy your youth. That's dumb advice actually....you'll only realise youth has to be enjoyed, when you'll be in your 40's.... 1
Author IsThisAll Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 You sound like a nice gal but I'm not sure if you're my type. I get really turned off by girls who know and think they are attractive. Sometimes for me overconfidence on a girl can be, well not intimidating, just a bit unattractive. It's kind of like me talking to a girl and I find out that she likes sports. GREAT. Then as I dig deeper, she begins to know more about sports than I do. Yikes! Additionally, I think you're going after the wrong guys or perhaps I am wrong and the right person/prince charming has not come your way. I truly truly believe that there is someone out there for all of us. I think we need to just be ourselves, act natural, and not try to be someone else. I think I have learned a lot throughout each relationship that if you go with your instincts and judgement, the results could be a lot better than what your friends or the loveshack community tells you. We are all different and we act differently. If they aren't the right one for you, just move on and don't lose hope. Good Luck! Thank you for your reply! It's OK if I'm not your type One thing I've learnt over the many years is that you can't be everyone's cup of tea and they're not to blame if they don't find you attractive (& I'm not just talking solely physically). This doesn't make disrespecting someone as a result, any more acceptable however. In my post I was simply trying to get across that I don't really have an issue with getting guys to be interested in the first place, even if it from an aesthetically shallow perspective. I am far from overconfident lol! I'm remarkably self conscious - although I'd say it's more a trait - but I mentioned all those confident sounding things to emphasise that I'm a LOT more confident than I was in my self harming days. I also used to think I was going for the wrong guys/attracting the same 'type' but with the total amount of guys who have shown interest in me over 6 years and to whom I've reciprocated it back, I find it highly unlikely. I definitely agree with going with your gut instinct and being yourself, particularly being quite a transparent person. My best friend suggested that I could be too transparent but as mentioned, even when I've consciously attempted to come across as more elusive, guys have still always lost interest. It's a part of who I am anyway so it's all confusing really lol Thank you very much for your input & reply!
Author IsThisAll Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you for reading my story todreaminblue. I'd love to read yours & yes I also believe and have experienced first hand that doing anything sexually intimate too early on can damage a potential relationship. I really felt like the time in which I didn't date for a while, was very refreshing mentally. & I also believe you don't need a sexual relationship in order to be happy. Just the right guy! Thank you for the reassurance that I'm not alone. You can only keep telling yourself that for so long before you start to wonder if it's true though lol. & I really didn't want to slip back into a dark place so I decided to share online... My past is something I've accepted as time has gone by but it's been hard. I never thought of whole 'being mysterious' thing in that light It's very true though. I guess the main thing is to be yourself and hopefully you'll find someone who is also being themselves as opposed to trying to impress you too. Thank you x 1
Author IsThisAll Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I'm going to write a couple of lines: First of all, you don't need a guy, have to have one, or require one as a mandatory thing for a girl of your age. Secondly, you may be 21 soon, and as such be hitting a milestone according to social convention, of adulthood, but believe me when I tell you, you're only an adult because for some reason, the age of 21 seems to have been a favoured in the USA although it's a huge variable, globally. So the actual number really means nothing.... And what's more, your brain isn't fully 'done' yet. You're still in your formative stages, so no wonder you're confused... I think first and foremost, you need to quit stressing about guys and their flakiness... If they were near your age, then guess what? Their brains were also at a developing stage.... Try to chill, not 'run' and just enjoy your youth. That's dumb advice actually....you'll only realise youth has to be enjoyed, when you'll be in your 40's.... Thank you for your positive words and reading my story! I'll try to bare in mind that turning 21 doesn't really mean much. Nearly all the guys I've been involved with were older (about 4/5 years on average) so I'm guessing they are/were more likely to be mentally clued up? Thank you for the advice I will try and keep smiling, remain positive and keep those thoughts of being 'unlovable' at bay.
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