switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Curious for some input please... My ex girlfriend and I split up after 2 years together earlier this year. At the time, we were each quite stressed, not because of the relationship tho the stress eventually had an affect on it. Addtionally I was protective and defensive over myself due to some life experiences I went through. At the time of those life experiences, I felt the best way to protect myself was to keep things to myself though all this done was bottle things up and keep me from moving on. Regarding this, I have since resolved it by being honest to my ex first, then to friends who helped me out and then to everyone. For this I feel a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Anyway my ex and I had minimum contact for the past few months. We still had to return stuff so we set up a meeting and ended up going for some food. It was evident that the spark was still there, we settled well with each other, giving the body signals etc. Then I'm asked if I'm dating anyone which is no seriously.I receive a reply that she isn't either. later on we're talking and she starts crying, then all of a sudden she puts up this stong, bravado face, guess a guard about being hurt. Next day we're texting and mixed signals a bit and then says we can be friends but always know we can always talk to each other, that's good because as peoplewe get on soo well and with ease, finishing off sentences, knowing what each other are thinking without even speaking, bizarre. Then the ex changes her cover photo to a city we visited after I send her a email, apoligising for the hurt I caused and that can't be changed. An email where I stood myself, expressed how I felt but also stating some sound advice that there are other fish in the sea. What to do? Thanks
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 ...About what....? have you agreed to stay friends? Do you want to reconcile? Are you asking about staying in contact, or going No Contact? What would you like us to say?
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) I acknowledged that the relationship ended. Would I like to reconcile, yeah I would especially after learning some stuff about myself and eing honest bout previous life experiences. We both know we're each other's best friends. I'm trying to understand her actions and decide what to do. I'm not going to push it. But damn if I'm going to let someone I value for who she is slip away. I think another issue was the case I was thinking about going abroad, she was the opposite. What do you's think about her asking if I'm dating and then crying over something nice said and then putting up a strong and brave face. What does this represent, what action do you's think I should take etc Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I take it you are keen on reconciliation but she is less so....? Well, if that IS the case, you need to read the no Contact thread in my signature. It's the first post of the thread. And you can't stay a friend to someone who still has a hold on your heart. You have an agenda, a hope in your heart - and if she should meet someone else, you'd crack at the seams and fall apart.... That's mainly what the remainder of the thread deals with: 'breadcrumbs' and impossible friendship..... You can't have everything tied up neatly in a bow - you really should go No Contact - until such a time as she tells you, without any doubt, she wants to try again and will do with you, what it takes to get this thing back on track - or - until such a time as you CAN look at her in the arms of another man, holding their baby - and feel nothing but benevolent indifference. Friendship? With someone you love and want? Can't be done.
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 ..... What do you's think about her asking if I'm dating and then crying over something nice said and then putting up a strong and brave face. What does this represent, what action do you's think I should take etc She loves you - but is not in love with you. And I think it hit her as such. She realised that this is something passing. And is sad about the loss, but knows for herself this is something she has to do. As to what action you should take, see my above post.....
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I hear what u say, but not in love with me. I think her family experience's of giving a second chance have an effet and when that happened to her family the second chance backfired.
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I also understand that she is not in love with me because I was being up and down, so she doesn't really know what she'll get. But underneath it all its all still there, we both know it. And what about after the meeting she changes her cover photo to city we visitied is that mind games or a hidden message. Sh has provided hidden messages before, I noticed them but never took action because I thought of my life experiences that she was trying to control me, which she wasn't. She was just trying to tell me something
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 and she doesn't have an agenda when she's asking if I'm dating anyone and then telling me she isn't?
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Plus, anthing can be done if it's to be nd you want it enough
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Some young women are very sentimental... they surround themselves with nostalgia and things which evoke memories, however bitter-sweet.... Plus, anything can be done if it's to be and you want it enough Nope. Not if it's one sided it can't. I respectfully strongly suggest you go No Contact. Read up on 'breadcrumbs' - you'll get a lot of those which will fill you with hope but will sadly lead to nowhere....
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I have to say I thank you for your advice but as a behaviouralist, it is very specific as to behaviours and although behaviours are important, it seems that behaviours can't be changed. As such I think behavioralism is a pessimitic concept. It does play a important part but behaviours can change, people can change, that is optimism and life. If we are to change even if its personal or even more, we have to believe that behaviours can change,that people can make the change and rebuild confidence and trust!
CelticGibson Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 "You have an agenda, a hope in your heart - and if she should meet someone else, you'd crack at the seams and fall apart...." Brilliant Tara, simply poetic. Switch, listen to Tara, she knows what she's talking about. A wise person would heed those words. You cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to do. IF you are looking to reconcile, you have to go No Contact and accept that it's not going to happen. If it does then it will be her who will do it, not you. If not, you will have moved on... Start now... 1
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 To be fair I had moved on, I was even seeing girls. I've been through worse than losing a relationship. Where is the hope and believe in people on this site, it's all just accept and move on. Atm I have no agenda in my heart. Yes I love the girl. But is love enough? No it isn't, though when two people meet by chance, have an exact family experience. two people bounce off each other, the spark is there, the feelings are there, the atttraction is there during our meeting, her biting her lip, pushing her hair back, wanting to extend the time together. I respect what you's are saying but if both people know that the connection is rare as I'm sure you's will admit then it's something to fight for, Can we all in general not believe in love, believe in second chances, believe in growth, believe in change..... and acknowledge and accept mistakes... If we don't believe and just acceptthe norm then we'realljust part of the crowd.
CelticGibson Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Of course we can, IF THEY ARE THE ONES TO WANT IT. I think you are thinking for both of you. You are making assumptions as to her frame of mind on this. Try not to do that because in all honesty, you don't know how she feels. Remember: Whoever pulls the plug must put the plug back in. It's their responsibility to fix it or not. It's their responsibility to want to try again. Love is not love if it's one sided. That's unrequited love and not romantic love. We are all part of the same crowd: Humans. We feel hurt, pain, love, lust, greed, compassion, the lot. What makes a relationship work is the love of both for each other in equal amounts. If this is not the case then there is no relationship....
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Tara, "Crack at the seems and fall apart" the premise made is that if i seen her with someone else I'd crack. However if i was to add premises to this such as P1 Seeing someone with another" Conc makes u crack at the seems Here's my argument P1 I have cracked at the seems and fallen aprt at the loss of a parent P2 I have fallen apart at the collapse of a previous relationship Conc I've cracked at the seems However,even through these experiences I have turned my life upside down for the better and changed So to suggest I'll fall crack and fall apart at the seems. Eh no. I am living life, I am growing even now although I beleive in what is real, what is felt, what is seen, what is worth fighting for because this life is short and when you value a person as they are, even if in a relationship or notvwith the ex and that value goes both ways then, then it can be done. I want to be happy, but at the same time I want her to happy. For some time I was holding myself back and being protective so I didn't get hurt though I have accepted and realised myself that by being protective, not sharing my secrets only holdsyou back, burying the pain and holding onto it.
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 We both pulled the plug and we never even talked about why we were. We were halfway through our final yr at university
Author switch5 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 What i meant by being part of the crowd is just following the crowd. CelticGibson. "whoever pulls the plug must be the one toput the plug back in" I pulled the plug by being defensive and protective before we split. The day after we met, ireceived a text saying, "you can fix it, you choose not" My reply was I am choosing to fix it!
Author switch5 Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 Hey Tara and CelticGibson, I apoligise for my replies. I was being stubborn. I've took the advice and its the same advice I say to myself. just acknowledging it. I'm not into the mind games. I mentioned to the ex, we're not going for coffee, go and have fun. As the experience last week just hit raw emotions. I don't like seeing people hurt that I care about, I just want to take it away. I don't mind making a fool of myself if it helps but it doesn't really. Soz guys and thanks
TaraMaiden Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 AFAIAC, no apology is necessary. At times like these, emotions are in a bit of a whirl. It's understandable.... No harm done at all....
Author switch5 Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 Thanks :-) Your advice is right. We agreed to meet up for a coffee but after last night and she restricted friendslist on facebook. I wisened up. Sent a message saying we're not going for coffee and I'm not playing your games anymore, go play them yourself. go and have fun. Received a outburst of a response, what the hell are you playing at. I responded go play your games with yourself, not interested. is this taking the control away from her to benefit myself in moving on? the first step? i also deactivated my social network. Need time for myself and not her games or being stuck in zone. also i don't understand her reply...
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