dizi Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my post... I'll try to be brief, but I know it won't be easy! My fiance's ex wife of 3 years left him immediately after she gave birth to their son. According to him, the marriage was wrong from the beginning. She kept his last name, which really isn't a big deal, but it would be nice if she changed it... I met him 10 months later online-yes, I know... While still "just friends" , I asked many questions about their marriage, and even suggested that they try to work it out. He insisted it was a lost cause. I invited him to come and visit me, he from another state, and we clicked... However, she called and called...She even went so far as to tell him that she was pregnant from a one night stand that they had 4 months earlier to "celebrate" their anniversary, and maybe see if things would work out. I said," She's just NOW telling you she's pregnant and it's been 4 months?" She worked in an OBGYN office to boot. So he called her right back and she said," I just took a test, and it's negative." Very WEIRD. However, understandable. She left him, and because he moved on and wasn't pining over her anymore, she was most likely jealous. It happens a lot. She also hadn't dated anyone. He ended up moving in with me, and it's been 4 years. During these 4 years she has been a good friend to him. She is a very nice person, and a good mother. She has sent him emails from their son, letters and gifts, and has made the relationship between he and their son possible. She even sent me some things for mother's day and some clothes. She is very thoughtful. My PROBLEM: My fiance and I ran into some financial difficulties and his parents offered to help us get on our feet. We traveled 800 miles and were exhausted. The day that we moved in, his ex came over with their child, even though my fiance asked her not to do so for a few days so that we could have time to rest, get moved in and unpacked, and so that I could meet his parents and get to know them, you know-without her! She did this anyway. While I was resting, my fiance told her to go home and she cried. She lives 100 miles away. Why did she cry? Why did she come when he asked her not to? Without bothering to ask if it was ok, she came over the next day when I hadn't even showered yet. She and his mom are BEST friends, come to find out. She lived at the house for a while, herself. The visit went fine...However, she spent the night in the room across from us! I was pretty disturbed that she HAD to spend the night, and voiced my opinion to my fiance and his mom. My fiance said it was inappropriate. His mom argued that she drives such a long distance. His mom also said that she thought that his ex was jealous because he moved on and she hadn't. If that's the case, I really don't want her staying the night! A few things have happened since then. I am now pregnant. My fiance and I sleep in separate rooms, I in the basement, him on the 3rd floor (we aren't allowed to sleep together-understandable Quite often, when his ex brings over their child, she will spend the night -- in the room across from him... I do not feel comfortable with this situation, but since this is not my house, I can't really argue! I do not worry about her going in there, it just bothers me! I rarely leave my room when she's here. I don't feel that I should be FORCED to be friends with her. I can be cordial to her, but I'd like to keep our lives separate to a degree. Is this so wrong? Do I need to accept her like she's an appendage to my fiance? Last week my fiance's sister got married. His ex came up the night before for the wedding. Then she wore HIS wedding ring, on her right hand though, saying that she wanted to wear something 'nice'. Then she stood by me in the family pictures! How nice! My fiance was angry and yelled at her for wearing the ring and standing in the pics. His sister actually asked her to be in them, but she confessed that had she thought about it, she wouldn't have. She did end up taking the ring off, but at the end of the night she took off with her son for a long drive leaving everybody to worry if she was ok. She did promise not to wear the ring again. I think that wearing it in my presence and his is a bit over the line. She ended up spending 5 nights this time...she DOES have a friend in town she could stay with... To sum it up: How do I deal!? I do not enjoy waking up to get in the shower and bumping into her in the hall! She is a good person, but am I asking too much for some type of boundaries? I am not financially able to leave at this time, or I would. Talking to his mother is fruitless. Does she stick around because she wants him back deep down? She wants me to feel uncomfortable? She seems nice enough, but this is really bizarre to me! I'm not used to this, and haven't heard of anyone who's had to deal with something like this. This is his "EX" wife...I don't feel threatened by her, but I feel "cramped"...Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can cope with this situation? I have a hard time hiding my feelings...Since I can't change anything really, how do I grin and bear it?? Please be nice...I don't hate her... Thank you!
Jilly10340 Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 This whole situation just sounds creepy. It sounds like she just won't go away. I mean, spending the night all the time and stuff. Did she spend the night that much when you guys didn't live there (I'm assuming your staying with his parents?) I agree that wearing the wedding ring is a bit over the line. That's just weird. I don't know if she's trying to get him back, it has been FOUR years since they split up. That's plenty of time to get over someone. As for advice.....you could just swallow your anger until you move out or you could be really immature and hang all over him to let her know that he's really really taken. I don't think that you should hide away in your room. That's just giving her more time to spend with him without you there. The more you're around, the more she'll be reminded that you two are together and she needs to get over it. This whole thing reminds me of fatal attraction in some creepy way....
Author dizi Posted October 5, 2004 Author Posted October 5, 2004 LOL! You are a sweetie, Jilly! Thank you for reading my ridiculously huge post! I agree, creepy! I really don't know how much she spent the night here before we got here, but the thing is...we're here! (Yes, staying w/his parents) I actually thought a bit about hanging all over him, but that's just not me! But maybe I could give it a try... That is such a good point about me not hanging out in my room-she does get to spend more time with him. It IS kinda like fatal attraction...ewww! I never thought of it that way! Thanks again!!!
Jilly10340 Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Well good luck with the whole thing! I hope you guys get your own place soon. Remember, the more you're around the more she'll get the point. I would stick to him like glue!
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