Vanguard_50 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hello. I am a first-time poster here, but longtime lurker. For background to all the wandering souls I encountered here, I am M/51 hetero (so somewhat older than most here, but I aim to tell you, these feelings & questions can occur to people of ANY age). So without going into all the details of my relationship woes, I will try to briefly just explain my circumstances. We're both in our 50's, both divorced from just over 2 years ago, both out of 20+ year marriages, we did not know each other until we met and started dating, our meet was "pure coincidence", that is neither of us were "looking" for dating/mates, etc, as in no online dating sites, friends introducing us, singles clubs, etc. We've been dating each other exclusively for 22 months, since the divorces; you may think "rebound", but trust me, BOTH of us are both "over" our ex's, however we both certainly had a "void" in our lives to heal from. We are now out of the "honeymoon" phase, noticing each other's difference/flaws, and have been evaluating whether we are truly a good fit for each other. We have never co-habitated (lived together) but have been compatibly intimate many times. Due to "temporary" circumstances with work & family, we have been physically separated for many months, and will be for a few more. To aid us both with these stress drivers, I am about to suggest we go "on a break" for a couple of months (specifically, until her work schedule pressure lightens around mid-August) which will coincide with her family restrictions alleviating as well. BTW: There is no infidelity on either of our parts, nor any current interest by either us to "seek out" (GIGS) a different partner. Lastly, I am not "set-in-stone" of our going "on a break", I just think I would take the risk and discuss this as an option for us. So the opinion I seek: If I suggest she & I should "take a break", is this really the same as our "breaking up", with all the "dumper/dumpee" implications ? Thanks
BustedUpInside Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Well, I am 32/F and if my boyfriend suggested "taking a break" I would definitely think that it meant we were breaking up. Even if he elaborated that it wasn't, I would be mad that he wanted to put me on hold for that long. If you aren't sure you want to actually break up, my advice would be to talk to her. See how she is feeling about the relationship. You might be surprised about what she has to say. It might just be a simple matter of miscommunication or building resentments. A conversation and some compromise can easily fix these issues. If you are sure that you want to take a break, then I think you owe it to her to just end the relationship. That way, she won't be holding on to potentially false hope.
CaliBabe Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Taking a break = breaking up. There is no more loyalty and obligation to eachother. She could find someone new and so could you. Is that a risk you would be willing to take?
Empty Heart Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Crikey, if an OH suggested that to me, I would instantly think....'yeah, that'll be him not interested then'. If you actually want to stay together, I would keep quiet about any breaks whatsoever.
Author Vanguard_50 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 For all input thus far, thank you. Here is a bit more clarification: SHE initiated the "we need to really examine our relationship" several weeks ago. Although she said she wasn't "breaking up" with me, at least "on the spot", it sure hurt a lot and almost felt like I was being dumped. To be honest, I (ME) DON"T want to break up, or even go "on a break". I was only going to offer it as a suggestion in our upcoming discussion to see how SHE felt about it. I would tell her I was aware to the risks (below) to point them out to her directly and let her know I was aware of them. The "she could find someone new or so could you" is one of the risks that I was referring to, and the other was just simply that we didn't "re-connect" and get back together after her job assignment ended and we knew we were just "done" at that time. Maybe I am just trying to lessen the impact of actually "being dumped" myself (if it comes to that) by suggesting a "temporary break". I am not trying to keep her holding on to false hope, any more than I want to hold on to any. I am willing to "work on things", and she says she is too, although it seems (to me) that she has even back-pedaled a little on that, with a "I don't want to hurt you, I need to work on myself, be happier, be more assertive, gain self-esteem" posture.
JadedRomantic Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 GIGS. it is GIGS. After a 20+ year marriage, over the ex or not, there's a lot of 'self' to rediscover and figure out. And I have NO DOUBT that you are a great man and that you two shared a connection and bond. However ... after 20+ years, it's natural to wonder ... Now that I am in the position of being OUT of a LTR, what is it like to be single again? Or unattached? "I don't want to hurt you, I need to work on myself, be happier, be more assertive, gain self-esteem" That's some pretty stereotypical GIGS things to say. I'm going through a similar thing with my now ex getting cold feet and suddenly bouncing out on me. With the age and life experience/ long marriages already had for the both of you ... I don't know what to think may happen. But ... I think she will miss the connection and companionship and after some soul searching etc., she may return to you. People are crazy these days ... it's really not easy to just find someone that you are truly compatible and happy with after the initial honeymoon phase has ended. So ... you have that going for you at least.
metal_chick Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Any guy who wanted to 'take a break' from our relationship, I would determine it as a 'break up'. I would live my life as such. You can't pause a relationship. It either goes forward, or it ends. 1
Lostint Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Don't suggest taking a break unless you actually want to break up. Because that's what will happen! If you're doing it out of fear that she's about to break up with you, well all you're going to do is make that fear a reality. If you want to be in a relationship, you have to take risks. That includes risking the possibility that she might break up with you.
SuperGeek Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Yes. Taking a Break = Dumped. Your ex isn't worth dating anyway if they are going to lie to you about what is going on. I am sad for you but it is what it is. Pack your bags and just move on from it.
Author Vanguard_50 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Supergeek - What makes you feel of think she is lying to me ?
SuperGeek Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Sorry man. I was responding to two posts at once and got what you said confused with another thread. My apologies. With that said, I would caution you on saying you want to 'take a break'. Most people interpret this as getting dumped. You need to really think about if you want to be with this woman or if you are done dating her. Relationships can't really be paused and then resumed. Just imagine if you were on the receiving end of this... Personally, if I love the girl I'm with, I couldn't imagine taking a break from her ever. Why would I want to do that? Sometimes it is necessary to get away for a few days or whatever for personal time, but saying you want to indefinitely suspend the relationship until 'you' feel you want to resume it is a selfish act. It is not about how you interpret 'taking a break', but how she will interpret it. She will most likely (with 99% certainty) take it as a break up. Talk to her and figure out what she means by 'we need to examine the relationship' instead of just saying 'lets take a break'. Then you will have a better idea what is going on in her head. Edited May 31, 2013 by SuperGeek
Author Vanguard_50 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Thanks Super Geek (as you can see why I was confused). The "temporary" circumstances with work & family I mentioned are entirely hers - she has 2 more months to go of training (with testing), already endured 10 months of this, and she has one of her children staying for the next couple of months as well, that she is "protecting" from emotional pain by keeping he & I separate (he & I have never met). As I mentioned above, I (ME) DON"T want to break up, or even go "on a break". I was only going to offer it as a suggestion in our upcoming discussion to see how SHE felt about it as a "comfort" or to "give her space" to finish her studying and cozy up with her kid, all the while not having to worry about "hurting me" by telling me she cannot meet with me, go out on dates, spend the night, etc. I have talked to her about what she means by 'we need to examine the relationship' and her response was "I am not ready to walk away for certain and the "fixes" have to be true to our personalities....or they will be false. Weight loss (mine), exercising (more, me), asserting myself (her), trying to be a happier person (her)...has to be real...not just a quick temp fix" I am just so confused on how to proceed in the relationship - fearful of hurting her, fearful of being hurt (which has already happened slightly), fearful that the relationship will end, or is already over and simply in its death-throes.
na49 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I'd like to punch whoever came up with the "oh we're just taking a break" phrase. Yeah, when two people are in love they definitely take time off from each other to go f*ck other people. It's a break up unless she comes back at some point in which case you could consider it a break (up). 1
Author Vanguard_50 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Hold on na49 - I assure you that my intention with wanting to offer her the opportunity to "take a break" in has NOTHING TO DO with my (or her) wanting to find a new sex partner, and you can take that to the Bank. (Understandably, "happening upon" a new sex partner/love interest does happen to plenty of people in relationships when they are "on a break", and that truly is a risk that presents itself. Acting on the impulse or opportunity is something altogether different.) I simply wanted to give her some "elbow room" to be able to comfortably focus on the remaining course of her schooling/testing AND to be able to deal with her temporary circumstance of her son staying with her (he's 21) to allow her to manage her mother/child relationship better (it's been strained), while affording her the luxury of not having to worry about needing to concern herself with me and my needs. Sounds silly, I know. I mean, typing it here and now that way, it almost sounds to me that I am saying that (in her eyes) that me and our relationship is not prioritized high enough for her to put the necessary efforts in. But stress can be a powerful force on the human mind, driving out unexpected, irrational, & irregular behavior. She is currently under a lot of stress, mounting even higher when her son showed up unexpectedly. I made mention of a few interpersonal relationship ideas/concepts which (accidentally) angered, hurt, and then scared her (her explanation, not mine), which I know added to "stressing her out" even more. I think my personal definition of "taking a break" differs from the general consensus here, however I have taken to heart what many have replied with, and am beginning to take the position that I WILL NOT use the term (or phrasing) along the lines of "Do you want to 'take a break' for a couple of months" simply because of how she may interpret it incorrectly, despite how I try to explain it for myself/us. So for that advice, I thank you all.
na49 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Oh of course she might not intend to do that. BUT because you guys are broken up (or on a break ), if something else does come along she now is allowed to pursue it. You do sound silly with your "interpretation" and all of that jazz. It doesn't matter if you want to take a break or break up. If she wants to, she is going to. It's normal for you to think your situation is "different". In the end though, it's really not too much different from anyone else. Your SO is no longer with you. right? I'm much younger than you, but I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. When my ex left me, she was stressing out from college work all hitting her at once. It probably seemed like a good idea to her at the time. Her friends were talking her through it. 6 months later, she realized that it wasn't such a good idea and we've been back together for almost 2 months now. I don't want to give you any "hope" or tell you that if you give her space she'll be back. but for your own sake, give her plenty of elbow room.
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