AnnieB Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I am a 33 year old woman in a commited relationship of 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 years. I am from a broken family and have struggled a lot and have even been married and divorced, (age 21-25). My boyfriend has been married and divorced, before, too (age 26-30), he is 37 now. When we moved in together (split expenses 50/50), I mistakenly assumed he was going to marry me (I know I should have asked), when I finally got around to it (6 months later) he essentially said he is not going to marry me (not in those exact words (I wish)), and when I slept on the couch that night, he said come back to bed, I'll marry you. He is a sweetheart, of course. A week or two later he lost his job (he has some side gigs to pay the bills), I never mentioned the marriage thing again, and just went about my business. Until people started bugging me (namely immigration officers, and no I don't need a green card, I was applying for my passport, and they said I should get married, just like that out of the blue, I guess there is some serious stigma against 33 year old unmarried women? I mean I also I get harassed at my work daily, but would the situation improve if I wore a ring?) Anyway, long story short, I made him agree to marry me in two years, but he did so reluctantly, and I actually want to get it over with now. Frankly I don't want to wait two years (he was so vague, and I got him to agree to three years from now, and then I said no way), 6 months to a year is tops. Anyway, I really don't think I should have to do any of this. It's humiliating. He says he doesn't want our life be a sitcom, or doesn't want a repeat of his marriage, where things changed for the worst after the wedding. I treat him with love and respect, but it is very hard to continue the way things were once these conversations have taken place. In my mind marriage is a full commitment that would make me love him even more.
serial muse Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) I am a 33 year old woman in a commited relationship of 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 years. I am from a broken family and have struggled a lot and have even been married and divorced, (age 21-25). My boyfriend has been married and divorced, before, too (age 26-30), he is 37 now. When we moved in together (split expenses 50/50), I mistakenly assumed he was going to marry me (I know I should have asked), when I finally got around to it (6 months later) he essentially said he is not going to marry me (not in those exact words (I wish)), and when I slept on the couch that night, he said come back to bed, I'll marry you. He is a sweetheart, of course. A week or two later he lost his job (he has some side gigs to pay the bills), I never mentioned the marriage thing again, and just went about my business. Until people started bugging me (namely immigration officers, and no I don't need a green card, I was applying for my passport, and they said I should get married, just like that out of the blue, I guess there is some serious stigma against 33 year old unmarried women? I mean I also I get harassed at my work daily, but would the situation improve if I wore a ring?) Anyway, long story short, I made him agree to marry me in two years, but he did so reluctantly, and I actually want to get it over with now. Frankly I don't want to wait two years (he was so vague, and I got him to agree to three years from now, and then I said no way), 6 months to a year is tops. Anyway, I really don't think I should have to do any of this. It's humiliating. He says he doesn't want our life be a sitcom, or doesn't want a repeat of his marriage, where things changed for the worst after the wedding. I treat him with love and respect, but it is very hard to continue the way things were once these conversations have taken place. In my mind marriage is a full commitment that would make me love him even more. Whoa, several separate issues here. First: Who are these nosy people telling you your business?? What sort of immigration officers think it's OK to tell you to get married? And you're getting daily questions at work, too?? Good Lord, that's offensive. Consider, in future, telling each and every one of these nosy parkers to shove it and mind their own business. Ugh ugh ugh. Please do not do things like make major life decisions and create stress within an otherwise satisfying relationship out of peer pressure. Second: Assuming you want to marry him regardless of the interference of the peanut gallery (and it sounds like you do), the bottom line is that he said he'd marry you in a couple of years. That's a good thing, right? I mean, you agreed, initially. Only, now you're feeling like that's too far off. Huh. Everyone's timeline is different, but I get the strong feeling that you would have been OK with this were it not for those annoying people who are all up in your business. Please, think about whether listening to them is best for you. It's like they're whispering in your ears, making you unhappy and anxious about something that you weren't anxious about before. Viewed in that light, do they really have your best interests at heart? Third: That said, you say he agreed reluctantly. I don't know what his holdup is or what he hopes to gain from another couple of years, except a sense of certainty that nothing will go wrong after you get married, which is a bit of a pipe dream. If it's certainty he's waiting for, you could be waiting for a long, long time. I wonder how clearly he sees that. So I'd urge you to really think about your comfort level - outside of what other people tell you you should feel - with this timeline, and what you would really be OK with. And then sit down with him, tell him you're nervous that he's reluctant about getting married because it's something you unequivocally want but you're not sure about him and you're trying to feel comfortable with waiting, and find out if he's really committed to it and what he's waiting for. From there, hopefully, you can - together - figure out what's best for you both. Edited May 30, 2013 by serial muse
Author AnnieB Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Whoa, several separate issues here. First: Who are these nosy people telling you your business?? What sort of immigration officers think it's OK to tell you to get married? And you're getting daily questions at work, too?? Good Lord, that's offensive. Consider, in future, telling each and every one of these nosy parkers to shove it and mind their own business. Ugh ugh ugh. Please do not do things like make major life decisions and create stress within an otherwise satisfying relationship out of peer pressure. Second: Assuming you want to marry him regardless of the interference of the peanut gallery (and it sounds like you do), the bottom line is that he said he'd marry you in a couple of years. That's a good thing, right? I mean, you agreed, initially. Only, now you're feeling like that's too far off. Huh. Everyone's timeline is different, but I get the strong feeling that you would have been OK with this were in not for those annoying people who are all up in your business. Please, think about whether listening to them is best for you. It's like they're whispering in your ears, making you unhappy and anxious about something that you weren't anxious about before. Viewed in that light, do they really have your best interests at heart? That said, you say he agreed reluctantly. I don't know what his holdup is or what he hopes to gain from another couple of years, except a sense of certainty that nothing will go wrong if you get married, which is a bit of a pipe dream. If that's the case, you could be waiting for longer. So I'd urge to really think about your comfort level - outside of what other people tell you you should feel - with this timeline, and what you would really be OK with. And then sit down with him, tell him you're nervous that he's reluctant about this because it's something you unequivocally want, and find out if he's really committed to it and what he's waiting for. You are right, the issues are separate and it is so much easier to see now that it's in type (and that the timing etc is not such a big deal, really), however, the true issue remains that I basically coerced him into agreeing basically manipulated him: if you don't marry me, I have to start thinking of separating (which is how I felt), and that truly hurt him, and it certainly was not my intent. I wanted to marry him since the day we went on our first date (I was at a point in my life that I would refuse to even go on a date, if I didn't know I would like that person very much and make it work with them). I am not a casual dater, or a friend or a coworker. Maybe I am just too serious. Maybe throwing some weigh around in this relationship is not altogether a bad thing for me. Sorry, rambling.
roaminghart11 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hello, Why did the immigration officers say that? It seems extremely rude and none of their business. Same for the people at your work. If you are really being harassed you need to talk to human resources. Your marital status should be of no concern to these other people. The other thing I am wondering is why getting married is so important to you? Is it for religious reasons? Being married does not make a relationship better or more committed. I read something one time that really stuck with me. It was something along the lines of "when you are not married you wake up every morning choosing to stay with that person you love, and it is the everyday choice that makes commitment, not that you are 'contracted' to be with that person". This can apply to both married and unmarried couples, I am married but like to remember this. Think about why you are with him. Would being officially married really change your relationship for the better? Best wishes.
serial muse Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) however, the true issue remains that I basically coerced him into agreeing basically manipulated him: if you don't marry me, I have to start thinking of separating (which is how I felt), and that truly hurt him, and it certainly was not my intent. I hear you, and the issue of ultimatums is one that gets debated here on LS all the time. I think it varies with the situation; in your case, he sounds like he is responsive to your feelings but dealing with his own baggage, and the outcome isn't entirely clear at this point. That's a tough situation for you both to be in, and I don't think anybody is the bad guy. That includes you, by the way. There's absolutely nothing wrong, IMO, with saying that marriage is something you definitely want, and you're at the point in your relationship where you should be able to say that. It's tough to say whether it's truly manipulative to voice your needs in such a way that not meeting them is a dealbreaker. Some people will say that any ultimatum regarding marriage is, fundamentally, manipulative; I'm not so sure. This is clearly important to you, and you're not just saying so to bend him to your will; you value marriage, and you want it with him, very much. There's really nothing wrong with that, on the face of it. Sure, you guys should have discussed your relative stances on marriage back before you moved in, but that's water under the bridge now. But if he's truly open to the possibility, then that's a good thing, from your point of view. And it sounds like he might be. The only question there is whether he's stalling to stall or whether he just needs time to get used to the idea, and not to feel rushed into it. That's a matter to talk out with him, and if it's the latter, I think it's possible to be sensitive to that, as long as you're willing not to panic. And that's where those people who are telling you to be impatient are really. not. helping. Edited May 30, 2013 by serial muse 1
Author AnnieB Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I know, people often say rude things to me. There is something about my face (very young and inexperienced looking (with wrinkles) all through my twenties and still and my demeanor. I have confronted some people about i, and never gotten a response out of them, other than some kind of defensive brush off. I have been subjected to a lot of abuse growing up, so subconsciously, I think I still invite some of that abuse toward me (I am in therapy and work on my issues), that would be my only explanation. Marriage to me means in sickness and health, forever, this person is my family, and I will do anything for them.
Author AnnieB Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I hear you, and the issue of ultimatums is one that gets debated here on LS all the time. I think it varies with the situation; in your case, he sounds like he is responsive to your feelings but dealing with his own baggage, and the outcome isn't entirely clear at this point. That's a tough situation for you both to be in, and I don't think anybody is the bad guy. That includes you, by the way. There's absolutely nothing wrong, IMO, with saying that marriage is something you definitely want, and you're at the point in your relationship where you should be able to say that. It's tough to say whether it's truly manipulative to voice your needs in such a way that not meeting them is a dealbreaker. Some people will say that any ultimatum regarding marriage is, fundamentally, manipulative; I'm not so sure. This is clearly important to you, and you're not just saying so to bend him to your will; you value marriage, and you want it with him, very much. There's really nothing wrong with that, on the face of it. Sure, you guys should have discussed your relative stances on marriage back before you moved in, but that's water under the bridge now. But if he's truly open to the possibility, then that's a good thing, from your point of view. And it sounds like he might be. The only question there is whether he's stalling to stall or whether he just needs time to get used to the idea, and not to feel rushed into it. That's a matter to talk out with him, and if it's the latter, I think it's possible to be sensitive to that, as long as you're willing not to panic. And that's where those people who are telling you to be impatient are really. not. helping. Honestly I don't quite remember if we discussed marriage (we may have talked about people who wanted to be married for getting married sake, not because they really wanted to be with that person forever sort of more in THEY terms not us terms, there were so many fun things to focus on in our relationship, there was never really a good time for this), but we definitely discussed kids, and to me (again, my mistake for not clarifying), marriage has to come before kids, for their sake. I am afraid that he is not going to get used to the idea and is stalling, I have a hunch for it and even he says I have a great intuition. He asks me professional questions (about his gigs) all the time because I have a knack for reading between the lines. And I am most certainly reading that my cute boyfriend is a STRINGER There is more to this, it's also a question of taking charge of my life, I have put too much stock into this relationship the way it is and I am compromising more than I want to (slight feeling), I think this is as good a time as any to really figure it all out, Ramble!
Lauriebell82 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I absolutely could NOT imagine having to 'make' some man marry me. There is just no pride in that at ALL. Yeah ditto, that is what jumped out at me too. This doesnt sound like a healthy relationship right now, let alone a possible marriage.
Ladydrib Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I am a 33 year old woman in a commited relationship of 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 years. I am from a broken family and have struggled a lot and have even been married and divorced, (age 21-25). My boyfriend has been married and divorced, before, too (age 26-30), he is 37 now. When we moved in together (split expenses 50/50), I mistakenly assumed he was going to marry me (I know I should have asked), when I finally got around to it (6 months later) he essentially said he is not going to marry me (not in those exact words (I wish)), and when I slept on the couch that night, he said come back to bed, I'll marry you. He is a sweetheart, of course. A week or two later he lost his job (he has some side gigs to pay the bills), I never mentioned the marriage thing again, and just went about my business. Until people started bugging me (namely immigration officers, and no I don't need a green card, I was applying for my passport, and they said I should get married, just like that out of the blue, I guess there is some serious stigma against 33 year old unmarried women? I mean I also I get harassed at my work daily, but would the situation improve if I wore a ring?) Anyway, long story short, I made him agree to marry me in two years, but he did so reluctantly, and I actually want to get it over with now. Frankly I don't want to wait two years (he was so vague, and I got him to agree to three years from now, and then I said no way), 6 months to a year is tops. Anyway, I really don't think I should have to do any of this. It's humiliating. He says he doesn't want our life be a sitcom, or doesn't want a repeat of his marriage, where things changed for the worst after the wedding. I treat him with love and respect, but it is very hard to continue the way things were once these conversations have taken place. In my mind marriage is a full commitment that would make me love him even more. You guys have different goals for the relationship and he is being honest with you by expressing that he has no interest in marriage. If he is agreeing to a deadline at all he could just feel pressured and figures he will deal with it later. Dealing with it might mean that he will not follow through. It's a risk you take by staying. I'd suggest that you make a decision now. Are you willing to stay with him and never get married? If not then make it clear to him that you understand he doesn't want to be married again, however you do, and therefore you see that as a significant incompatibility and that while you love him and want to be with him, that incompatibility is a deal breaker. Then leave. Two things might happen. Either you will go your own ways forever. Or he might come back and propose. But I'll tell you what won't happen - you won't be sitting there for years getting strung along. IF you decide you want to stay with him, understand and accept that there's a good chance he will never marry you. Be prepared for that.
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