mfleck91 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Lately I've been more angry than anything else. I've daydreamed about the verbal lashing I would give my ex if I ever ran into her and how I would beat the guy she is with now senseless. I know that it isn't helpful to hold onto this hate but it's easier for me to handle than being constantly depressed. I have kept tabs on her (yes I know that's a bad idea) and she spends all her free time with this new guy, more than she ever spent with me. I am royally ticked off but I know it won't last. As everyone here knows it is a cycle of emotions we play through and there's no telling how long this phase will last. I've stuck well to NC since my last little hiccup, but it's been extraordinarily difficult. So many things I'd like to say to her. On a side note I kissed another girl yesterday, she's cute and nice, I like her. It was great at the time yet later all I could think of was my ex, it doesn't make any sense. I am tired of this broken record playing in my head.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Anger is one of the stages of grieving. Sounds like you're progressing nicely. It's natural to want to revert to the familiar/known world of thoughts of the ex after expressing interest via kissing with a new girl. All very normal my friend. There are 5 stages to grief, and you can vacillate between a few before finally processing the grief. 1
lop98 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I felt like that for weeks! I still get days when something he said pops in my head (e.g 'this was just a friendship with confusing emotions getting on the way') and feel fury and want to drop NC and get back to him... but pride, above all things!, it's amazing when that feeling goes away later and you feel stronger for not having succumbed to that. They become rarer each time, I'm now at a stage where I feel like there's nothing left to clear up, time and actions laid it all on the table far better than words ever will.
KPChick000 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I feel like I could have written your post, OP. Except I'm a girl and I kissed a guy last weekend. I have been getting angrier the past few days. I don't know if it will last, but I am hoping it sticks for at least a little while in order displace the sadness I feel too. I also felt strange after kissing another guy. I thought about my ex, the incredible chemistry we had as friends first, the lead up to our first kiss. And I was sad that maybe I was just searching for a replacement, in vain.
BustedUpInside Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It would actually be weird if you weren't angry about the breakup. It is also very normal to have fantasies where you confront the ex and tell them why they are horrible while they dissolve into remorseful tears. It's all part of the process of getting over the other person Denial.......Bargaining.......Anger........Depression..........Acceptance Sometimes you go in order, sometimes you go back and forth, sometimes more than one of these at once, but they are always the same for everybody. That is not to say that what you're feeling isn't important. It is very important. Finally, I just wanted to add that it is normal to think about your ex when you meet and connect with new people. Your heart is ready to potentially love again, but your head is there to remind you what happens when you do. Tell your head to shut up, because the only way you will find out what happens is to try, without reservations about the past, to make a fresh start with someone new. Congrats on the smooch with the new girl 4
Author mfleck91 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I guess a 4 year relationship is a lot of baggage to handle. I've been flip flopping between anger and depression. The issue I have with the stages of grief is acceptance. I accept that the relationship is over yet that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's a word with no real weight to it. And how are you supposed to know when you are ready to date someone else? I mean I want to be with someone and i know I'm not getting my ex back, but there is still the mental distraction of coping with the lies and lack of closure (which I know I'll never get)
BLS Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Keeping tabs on her is one of the worst things you can do for yourself and almost defeats the purpose of NC. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Acceptance is the end. Once you've reached that, you are done. So, it makes sense that you haven't gotten there yet. None of us have. And once you do, you will most likely have sorted out your issues with trust, closure and everything else. Keep that goal in sight and you/we all will get there!!
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I was about to say the same thing: keeping tabs - IS breaking No Contact. And like sticking needles under your nails. And nasal-flossing with razor-wire. And brushing your teeth with ground glass. But worse. Quit 'keeping tabs'. It not only completely defeats the object of NC, it stops you healing and moving forward - and is dishonest and creepy. 2
maturityassets Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I guess a 4 year relationship is a lot of baggage to handle. I've been flip flopping between anger and depression. The issue I have with the stages of grief is acceptance. I accept that the relationship is over yet that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's a word with no real weight to it. And how are you supposed to know when you are ready to date someone else? I mean I want to be with someone and i know I'm not getting my ex back, but there is still the mental distraction of coping with the lies and lack of closure (which I know I'll never get) Well I'm not sure how long after break up you are. I mean a 4 year relationship does come with its baggage and one would suspect a few months at least before you start dating let alone have a relationship. I smooched another girl 2 weeks after my break up and had to pull back after she wanted to continue because all I thought about was my ex. This girl and I though have been going steady though, a month and a half since we first kissed? She totally understands my need for space so we go on dates once every week and a half to 2. We talk most days via text. I told her I will need a while before we label anything and she fully understands. I really appreciate her for this and I'm attracted to her as well for that reason. Depends on the person you're dating really. If I go to parties I get really turned off by a girl who seems so easy in trying to get to know me or quickly hunts me down for a snapchat thing; Mainly because I don't want to be like my ex who went around for cheap hook ups after the break up so she could forget about me after dumping me. Anyway the girl I'm dating is going on vacation with her family in July for a good month so if all goes as they are going now, I'm suspecting that when she comes back I'll be ready to officially call us boyfriend and girlfriend if my feelings are strong. For now we will continue to act that way without the label (labels mean something to me, I respect the title of it). So yeah take things slow with whoever. They should understand and it doesn't mean you can't have a good time with them even if you're not ready for a relationship. Time will tell if someone is right
Author mfleck91 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Well I'm not sure how long after break up you are. I mean a 4 year relationship does come with its baggage and one would suspect a few months at least before you start dating let alone have a relationship. I smooched another girl 2 weeks after my break up and had to pull back after she wanted to continue because all I thought about was my ex. This girl and I though have been going steady though, a month and a half since we first kissed? She totally understands my need for space so we go on dates once every week and a half to 2. We talk most days via text. I told her I will need a while before we label anything and she fully understands. I really appreciate her for this and I'm attracted to her as well for that reason. Depends on the person you're dating really. If I go to parties I get really turned off by a girl who seems so easy in trying to get to know me or quickly hunts me down for a snapchat thing; Mainly because I don't want to be like my ex who went around for cheap hook ups after the break up so she could forget about me after dumping me. Anyway the girl I'm dating is going on vacation with her family in July for a good month so if all goes as they are going now, I'm suspecting that when she comes back I'll be ready to officially call us boyfriend and girlfriend if my feelings are strong. For now we will continue to act that way without the label (labels mean something to me, I respect the title of it). So yeah take things slow with whoever. They should understand and it doesn't mean you can't have a good time with them even if you're not ready for a relationship. Time will tell if someone is right It's been 3 months since the BU and I haven't seen her in person once since then. I know I need to stop keeping tabs. I think I do it because I'm waiting for her to leave the other guy, but no such luck.
maturityassets Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 It's been 3 months since the BU and I haven't seen her in person once since then. I know I need to stop keeping tabs. I think I do it because I'm waiting for her to leave the other guy, but no such luck. Do you really still want to be with her even if she does decide to come back? I know we love someone and that in that love you need to overlook flaws or understand people make mistakes but is this someone you think is right for you. Chemistry or not, there seems to be a lack of integrity and dedication on her part. I mean even if you are hoping that it is just a case of the GIGs, why would she even make that assumption? I don't know what's best for anybody in particular, but I know for myself the right decision would never to take back the ex even if I wanted to take her back. If you do end up with your ex it should never be her coming back. It should be if you have both successfully moved on but ran into each other later in life to date and start over as new people. I say let go, and mentally to yourself just say you don't care what makes her happy anymore; friends, family, or other guys. Shouldn't concern you
lop98 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 One thing that kind of sucks and that I didn't consider when my ex rebounded is that once they get separated from their new partner, that's the last memory of a relationship they now have, so that's where their mind seems to be for the most part.
Author mfleck91 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Severely underestimated how difficult this would be
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