katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 ya know, other people here have had it way worse than me with their spouses having sex with their APs and children born or long term affairs. My husband had two short affairs where I caught him. Three months apart. Maybe he was acting out because I had an affair first. I don't know. Does the reason really matter. The fact is, I am stuck. I want to work hard to heal myself but I don't really see us having a better marriage than we did before. I'll never trust him 100%. I can't stand the fact that he took these women all over town for lunch and drinks. I would have to put all this behind me to move forward and I just cant' do it. Do I enjoy this pain - no. I want it gone. I'm not sure if I can get rid of it if we stay together. I will never feel for him as I did before. So really, what is the point?
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 And the day he finds out should be the day he is served. that just seems so mean though. We are getting along ok. He would be blind-sided. I keep thinking though, is this all there is? I have an ok marriage with the sting of infidelity thrown in there. I want a great marriage!
carhill Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Reading some of the background, and considering the amount of time and effort invested in between, did you and H have any sort of psychological help during this period? Regardless of next steps, given the issue you've brought here, I think such help, even if IC, could assist you in processing the emotions, both regarding your past EA as well as your H's affairs, and get to a neutral place. If you do choose to divorce, it's nearly inevitable for the affair history of both partners to be injected into the process in some way. Divorce, generally, is a very emotional time. Divorce or reconcile? Up to you.
Summer Breeze Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 My xH cheated on me years ago. I had always told him it was a dealbreaker and it was. Violence and infidelity were the 2 things I wouldn't abide and he knew it from the time we started being serious. Strangely enough he was surprised when I told him I was packing our D and leaving. One of the things I've learned here is that not everyone feels the same. To me it was such a given I couldn't imagine anyone not wanting to pack up and head out immediately. On here I've met loads of people who have made it through and found great Ms. I don't think one option hurts any more than the other but you weigh the tradeoffs and make the best decisions you can. I knew I could never trust him again no matter what he did. I honestly think that even if I had known so many people R I wouldn't have because I don't think I could ever have found a way to fix the trust. You have to do what's right for you. There isn't an easy answer for how to get through this. One thing in your OP that concerns me. You said he had 2 As after you had 1 but you dismiss it saying it doesn't matter why it happened. I disagree completely. Why it happened is a huge thing and something you both need to tackle. Good luck to you. 1
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 we are both in IC and have MC and have throughout the last three years. well, he says he did it because he felt emasculated and didn't do it for revenge... one - ok. but two?? Both of us did it because of poor coping skills and avoiding conflict in our marriage....
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I know he blind sided me by cheating on me but I don't want to be a person who does that back to him.... no, I will never forget that he did that. I'm trying to get to the point where I think "hey that's what he did when he was acting out." or "that's the person he used when he was acting out." But, it's hard not to take it personally....
weedsandposies Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I skimmed through your posts. Revenge affairs are worse. My H tried to have one almost a year after mine ended! It takes time to heal but you have to first make a conscious decision that you want the marriage. It sounds to me like your on the fence about D and don't want to move forward. Your indecision is holding you back from healing. No one can make the choice but you. And whether you choose to stay married or not, eventually you will have to forgive your husband and the OW's to move on.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Your indecision is holding you back from healing. God, this is hard to hear.... I keep thinking, he doesn't deserve it.
carhill Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 we are both in IC and have MC and have throughout the last three years. well, he says he did it because he felt emasculated and didn't do it for revenge... one - ok. but two?? Both of us did it because of poor coping skills and avoiding conflict in our marriage.... OK, so has IC/MC assisted with your coping skills and addressing conflict? Is anything clearer now than prior? If yes, what? For example, do you have a clear vision and boundary of what is a dealbreaker and what isn't, in the here and now? If yes, what? If no, why? You say you're 'stuck'. Effective professional help is tasked to 'unstick' you and assist you to move forward in your life. If it's not being effective, then seek out other avenues/practitioners which match up better with your goals.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 yes yes and yes... I have boundaries - although he broke one with NC in December... I don't avoid ANY conflict. He does... but anyway, we are working on it... it just seems like we have the same marriage as before.. At IC yesterday she said if you want to be married to this man you both need to have some sort of ceremonial burial of the past. You need to move forward and not be stuck in this pain.... you're giving way too much power to this... well, it hurt... so bad that it changed my personality. And I hurt him that much too.
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I know he blind sided me by cheating on me but I don't want to be a person who does that back to him.... So you put the first point on the board - your affair - and then he had two. So the score is Wife 1, Husband 2. I'm putting it like that, not to be glib, but to point out that the marriage has turned into score-keeping and not about love anymore. As an aside: you were blindsided by the first time he cheated? or just the second time?
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 well, it hurt... so bad that it changed my personality. And I hurt him that much too. You sound like a self-aware person, with a sense of compassion, and I feel bad that you're in this situation.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I'm putting it like that, not to be glib, but to point out that the marriage has turned into score-keeping and not about love anymore. As an aside: you were blindsided by the first time he cheated? or just the second time? this is exactly why I don't want to do anything to him - I don't want it to be a scorecard thing... I'm beyond that and it's not how I want to live my life. I was blindsided both times he cheated... I have PSTD because of the trauma of it.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 there is no double standard. I don't expect him to accept it. I don't know if I can accept it. We both have a choice. Doesn't have to be the same one.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 we go to IC and MC - we have some good times - kids are out of the nest so we have plenty of time together, travel - but it's always ALWAYS hanging over us, what we did.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Why did you deserve to be forgiven and not him? That might be at the root of your inability to move forward. You cheated first if I understand correctly, so why do you expect him to forgive you, but you can't forgive him? I'm not sure I deserve to be forgiven. He hasn't yet and I have no right to expect or ask for that. I'm talking about my inability to move past what has happened to have a better marriage. I just don't see it happening. What may happen is we both learn to live with it. That may be good enough for him. It may not be for me.
carhill Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Good point. Forgiveness and acceptance are part of moving forward, if reconciliation is the choice. Even if divorce is the choice, IMO it's healthier personally to forgive and accept, as such sets the stage for a more neutral approach to future relationships and personal growth. Learn from the experiences, accept them as life lessons, and move on. 1
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 It has to do with you cheated, he didn't dump you. Now he cheated and you are thinking about dumping him. yep. his choice to take me back. I don't have to do the same thing. what is not a dealbreaker for some could be for others. We'll just have to agree to disagree.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 . Even if divorce is the choice, IMO it's healthier personally to forgive and accept, as such sets the stage for a more neutral approach to future relationships and personal growth. totally agree - I'm going to have to forgive whether I stay with him or not.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 How long has it been? It has been a little over three years since my A. and a little over a year since his two affairs.
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 thanks, frozenspouts. We've been in MC for a year and a half. although we've learned some good communication skills, because we go only once every three weeks - we live 90 miles away one way - we save a lot of our affair talk til then and the MC is almost like a referee during that time, although I do always end up feeling relief at the end of the session. So does husband. I feel nothing towards the OW except that i don't want to see them and be reminded of it. They both live here. There are no gifts, reminders, etc of the affair partners. How much time? I don't know..
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 "you guys have to do some of the "hevay lifting"between appointments" he doesnt' want to talk about it. I talk about everything. I wish he would forgive himself so he could speak about what happened without feeling ashamed. He wants to "fix it." But there is no fix. There are so many triggers around for me I cant' even stand to drive to his office. I'm afraid of going out to eat or to the mall for fear I'll see these women. Would he move? Yes, if I forced the issue, and then he resents me because he REALLY likes his job... he told me if I wanted to move I should have had my affair when I was 30 - meaning earlier, I guess, so we weren't so close to retirement - and also, that I started all this. I about walked out then. So we do talk some - but only when I insist.
BetrayedH Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 As a man that had a RA after my wife's affair, I can relate to some of your H's feelings (and yours). I was a broken man. The affair wasn't about revenge. I planned for her to never know. As odd as it sounds, I was trying to restore my marriage. I couldn't take the anger anymore. I wanted desperately to be over it. I wanted my life back. And yes, I felt emasculated and desperate for love and affection myself. I just wanted some sense of balance. Frankly, the whole thing was awful. I broke it off with my OW and confessed before it barely got off the ground. I hurt my wife, who I was trying to forgive. I don't know your story or your H. I just know that it was way out of character for me to have had an affair. If your H was half as broken or half as remorseful as I was, I hope that you'll give him a shot at forgiveness. 1
Author katielee Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 betrayedH - thank you so much for your thoughts. I understand how it could be done to restore a marriage and deliver you from some sort of pain. I understand one affair, I really do. Two, OTOH, I don't know what to make of. He must have been REALLY broken. I don't understand why he didn't take that opportunity to work on himself after his first affair. Also, the fact that he denied everything and I had to catch him twice - well, it doesnt' bode well in the trust department. Thanks for sharing. 1
BetrayedH Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 betrayedH - thank you so much for your thoughts. I understand how it could be done to restore a marriage and deliver you from some sort of pain. I understand one affair, I really do. Two, OTOH, I don't know what to make of. He must have been REALLY broken. I don't understand why he didn't take that opportunity to work on himself after his first affair. Also, the fact that he denied everything and I had to catch him twice - well, it doesnt' bode well in the trust department. Thanks for sharing. I was curious if he had disclosed his affair(s) or not. And also if his second was after a Dday or if both were discovered on one Dday. If both were discovered instead of disclosed and both were discovered separately, I can see why that doesn't bode well for trust or a reconciliation. If he could have a second affair after seeing the devastation from his first, it's hard to say that he learned anything. If you're not familiar, survivinginfidelity.com has an "I Can Relate" forum and there's a thread there for madhatters (the affectionate term for those who are BS and WS.). Perhaps you could find some inspiration there. It is remarkably difficult to do all the things required of a WS and to be doing it for someone who you cannot fully trust. People tend to think, "you're even" but the truth is that it is exponentially more difficult to reconcile. Good luck to you. 1
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