hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hey all, Wanted to post my daily mind ramble.. Yesterday i posted mornings and weekends are my worst, well, i woke up this morning and felt a bit better. The wave of torment didnt rush over me. So that is hopefully a sign that things are calming down in my head. I do hope so. I took some melatonin to help me sleep. I went to bed tired, but then kids were in the kitchen crashing around getting something to eat, at midnight. Otherwise, i feel i slept better. What i do have on my mind today is, i got home from work and there was a note on my front door from ups with a delivery to my STBX. Shes been gone 2 months and i dont think it would take that long for a delivery to show up if she placed the order over two months ago. Which leads me to believe she did it within the last month. There is a young man who lives with me and i wonder if she ordered this for him. I dont know what it is other than its nike. Nobody knows. She hasnt told us anything as she has cut off all communication. Its weird. She has done, should i say behaved strange and her thinking has been odd for a while. She is 40 and i wonder sometimes if she may be in the early stages of menopause which her hormones may be affecting her mind. Whats everyones thoughts on this?
Author hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Im sure im just reading to much into everything.
Author hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Now im mad again! How can someone you loved, shared memories, a LIFE! Just give up, walk away, and quit! Never to be heard from again. HOW!the only its easy for someone to do that is that they never loved you.
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Wait - is she having a fling with the young man who lives with you? Or am I misreading this?
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Im sure im just reading to much into everything. In such given situation there IS such a thing as the propensity of "Over analysis to the point of paralysis!"
Author hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 No, no fling. Hes a good young man. Going in the military next week. She also thought of him as her son. She tried to get him to leave with her and her son when they left. He didnt answer her and just walked away. She even texted him to see if he would sit at her apartment so someone could be there to get her furniture. He didnt go. She doesnt talk to him anymore after i told her to leave him alone, she couldd Get her own furniture. But no fling
Author hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Over analysis to the point of paralysis.. I like that, makes sense
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 In such given situation there IS such a thing as the propensity of "Over analysis to the point of paralysis!" It primarily comes from your being in a new and unfamiliar situation ~ new territory if you will? With lots and lots of unknown 'Wild Card" variables to which you not only can't see, but cannot clearly define. This is especially so given your WWW's suddenly 'falling off of the face of the Earth?" What you should strive for is K.I.S.S. ~ "Keep It Simple Stupid" and to maintain as much as your 'Old Normal" daily routine while coming up with and defining a new one. (This may be a daily chore BTW? ~ Or at least for awhile. Rather than using melatonin to help your sleep? (I've taken it for years), I would suggest you might want to consider Valerian Root with Passion Flower, 450mg. Its a lot more expensive, and its not so much as sleep aid, as it will help quite your thoughts, and keep you from over-analysing so much ~ thus allowing you to go to sleep (Even though you may still lay in bed for several minutes) Melatonin is not what its manufacturers claim it to be. And while it is non-addictive, and over the counter? It has more unanswered questions than it doesn't. Valerian root combined with strenuous physical activity on a daily basis should do the treat. The bottle says that you can take up to 5 - 450 mg. But at 6'1" ~ 200#lbs, I found it to be too much. And found that one is more than sufficient. What I am about to advocate is easier said than done, and will require a tremendous amount of daily effort, mentally, emotionally, psychologically on your part ~ not to mention just good old fashion hard word and self discipline (perhaps more than you've ever exerted in your Life up to this point) But its the same advice my DD gave me when I went through what you're going through now ~ 23 years ago. It was damned good advice then? And its damned good advice now. Leave it and her alone, accept that for 'now'? Its over between the two of you. It was over yesterday, its over today, and more likely than not? It'll be over tomorrow. Initiate the 180's not to get her back? But for your own good mental and emotional health and well being. Don't plan and plot, nor obsess over "reconciling" nor "fixing this" Look at it from the perspective and frame it up as such that you had one chance to get this right, and none to get it wrong ~ and whether its all of your fault, partly you fault, or even none of your fault ~ the fact remains? ITS OVER BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU! Now thats may or may not be an actual reality?[ But you've got to not just burn this fact ~ but sear this fact ~ this reality into your brain housing group. You must reconcile this reality into your head. For in the end? Reality is nothing more than the difference between the way things should be and the way they are? Its just that plain and simple. So go about your day to day as though she were dead, (Which in a lot of ways she is?) to you. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there among the living. Life is for the living ~ not the dead. Granted when you first started out? The two of you had the best of intentions ~ and as we all know? The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. When one finds themselves up to their azz in alligators, rattlesnakes, water moccasins, scorpions, and Indians shooting arrows at them? We all tend to forget that when we first started out? Our initial objective was to drain the damn swamp? You can sit around 'digging up bones' of a love long dead? You can sit around and feel sorry for yourself all the day long? You can sit around "would've, could've, should've?" morning, noon and night? You can tie on a serous month-long drunk and never find not one answer nor solution at the bottom of nar whiskey bottle? You can sit around and "If" yourself until you've died of old age? But in the end all that you get is ~ "IF" grasshoppers had Colt .45 pistols? Crows wouldn't eat them? But they don't! And so crows eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner! If crying couldn't make her stay? It sure as hell won't make her come back! And that's a fact? Who know what's she's thinking, or why she's doing what she's doing? At the end of the day? Who cares? You can only do what you can do? Make changes? Absolutely, but for yourself and not for her nor others. Sure she may be crazy for leaving? But, man just let her go. Its entirely possible she's got to go through this, screw up, lose you, tie up with some homeless wino, before she's receptive to the message of what's she giving up in and with you? We've all got our lessons to learn in this Life? Now get up, dust yourself off, dry the tears from your eyes, straighten yourself up, get back out there and rub a little sunshine on your face each day. Smile, make yourself smile, make yourself laugh. Don't worry about if the damn glass is half full, or half empty. Focus on how you fill that SOB up! Gunny 3
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I would suggest you consider some advice from Willie, because its really the only way to go with this and/or most things in life!
Author hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Thank you Gunny. You are absolutly correct. Im keeping your post for future reading
Author hayewils Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 What is the 180s? Ive seen it mentioned but where do i find them?
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc... Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed. This 180 list may help. For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's "Divorce Busting" 180 degree list, here it is: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. 2 things to think about if you do this: 1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be genuine when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior. 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing. 1
Author hayewils Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you again Gunny.. I do not believe she will be coming back or contacting me but, I will definatly practice these for myself.
Gunny376 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you again Gunny.. I do not believe she will be coming back or contacting me but, I will definitely practice these for myself. Which is all and well fine and dandy (even though I know you may find that hard to believe?) But we've all got lessons to learn, and few if any of us are going to get out of this Life without learning more than just a thing or two? Learning and growing is what Life is all about to begin with, is it not? None of us are going to get to the other side of life without not only learning and growing? But changing in the process. At the age of 56 I'm no where the person ~ man that I was even ten years ago! And that kid that I was all those many years ago when I first enlisted into the Marines at age 18? I don't even know who tha' hell he was, (Although I do wish I could travel back in time and open up and 55 gallon of industrial strength whoop-ass on him ~ just to knock some cold hard sense into "his" azz. There's no shortage of women? They come in all sizes, heights, weights, Hell even colors. I don't care what your "thing" is or even what your "freak' is? There's someone out there for you. Your mission now? Should you decided to accept it is to daily identify your weaknesses, ~ be they mental , emotional, pyschological, physical, financial ~ and seek self improvement. To become not the best _________________ but the best "You" that you can possibly become and be? Forget what the XHEX thinks, believes, about you? Who really gives a damn? Their just one person! My XHEX thinks this, that and the other about me? She's gotten my children to buying into the same line? Thing is? For a poor old country boy that comes from a long, long, long line of dirt poor people? I've come a long long long way? Your try and live your life up to the expectations? Your going to fail ~ and fail miserably each and every time! Live your life for yourself ~ not someone else. Not for some XHEX, not for your parents, your boss, not your children ~ YOURSELF! Like my signature line says, "Parts of me are pretty _____________ awesome? I'm working on the rest!" People are about as happy as they make themselves up to be!! I've had people tell me "You can't 'will' yourself happy!" But I'm here to tell you that you can! Its all about perception and attitude. Its a "matter" of caring! If you don't care, (As in what the XHEX, others) what others think or do? It really doesn't matter, now does it? The XHEX? People? Be they men or women, GF's or BF's, wives or husbands? They come and go? But there's no one 'monkey' that makes the show! EVRYTHING in Life has a beginning, middle and end? The universes ~ God if you will? Doesn't waste anything? He just transforms them into something new and improved! 2
Author hayewils Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I have been feeling pretty good lately, for the most part. Things in my hed seem to have been letting up, but here we are, its the weekend. I got up yesterday morning, cleaned up the yard, mowed.. My son came over with some of his friends and helped. Didnt have much of a problem. My youngest son had a friend come over, we ordered pizza.. Rather quiet evening. I wound up going to be about 10-10;30. I was watching the basketball game. When it was over, i turned off the lights and rolled over to go to sleep. Then it happens, I wake up at 1:30 am and the demons are with me.. I stayed awake till 5am cause I could not sleep. I wish it would all stop. I lay there and think to myself, what am i going to do? Whats in my future? Everything looks so bleak and dark. I feel I have nothing anymore. Sometimes I pray for God to take me from this world. I dont feel there is any real need to be here anymore. I need people in my life is what I need, but I dont know what to do. I dont want to go out alone, im not gonna go be the single guy at the bar being weird. Thats just strange to me cause I miss my best friend. I cannot even think about dating. I try to think how i need to do something to meet people but its hard because I miss my wife. She was my world, my everything but now its over and I have a lot of trouble accepting it. I know in time, the pain will fade, things will get better. Its just a painful realization that that is they way its gonna be. I do not see myself ever doing this again, i also do not see myself dating again. I would rather be single with dogs. Once my youngest is done with high school, im selling this house and moving. I dont know where yet, i will know when that time comes.I just want the demons to go back to hell, they dont belong here with me.
Author hayewils Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Something i have been thinking about.. What do I do if she does eventually contact me? I really dont think she will but what if she does? What do I do and say? She wont actually contact me by calling but it would be a simple text, something like that. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do and how I deal with it. I guess the best way is to keep it simple and short with her, right?
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