DrDave92 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 since my ex broke up with me a few weeks ago as 'she didn't feel ready for a relationship' (she's 18) i have been trying to get on with my own life and i've hooked up with a few girls on nights out however they haven't led to anything and i don't want them to as i'm not ready at the moment. After a weekend away with my friends I was feeling quite optimistic about the future and feeling strong within myself until i heard that my ex has been having a guy over her house recently. The guy is renowned for trying it on with everyone and he only recently hooked up with my best friends ex a few days after they'd broken up. Since i found this out i haven't been able to take my mind off it and it's hurting like hell. She lives so nearby i really hope i don't see them together. I thought i was more over it than i am. It's a combination of anger and hurt, i can't help but feel it's desperation on her behalf and she's jumped at the first sign of any male attention she's received since the breakup. As they've been seeing each other i feel like it's a matter of time till she's in another relationship and this is really going to hurt me. I have maintained NC and not talked to her for several weeks but this has really set me back quite a lot. I feel like she must never have cared about me and feel quite down about all the time and effort i wasted.
Author DrDave92 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 how do you guys cope with this? i've had a really bad day today
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 By taking one step at a time, and coming to realise that people are fickle, they just want something to make them feel good about themselves, by knowing that she's young, is entitled to make mistakes and realising that this too, very definitely, will pass. Your mission - should you decide to accept it -0 is to try to stop thoughts, visions and 'little movies' playing in your head, over and over. I hate pulling out the "you guys are young" card, because when you tell young 'guys' they're young guys, it's damn irritating. Sadly though - it's also true. Please realise and believe that although this is hurtful and devastating to you, there will be another young lady who will hold your heart, better and more sincerely than this one. Give yourself time, and let things evolve as they will. Chin up buddy. You'll be fine..... 4
Author DrDave92 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 i'm trying my best to stay busy but i think knowing she's seeing someone else has made me realise i still have a lot of feelings for her that i haven't dealt with. I keep having nightmares about being with her and seeing her with this new guy and they're really getting me down. I think deep down i still hoped she would change her mind or at least show an interest in asking how i was but it seems she's already been seeing this guy for quite some time and is seeing him very regularly.
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 DrDave, Unfortunately there isn't a thing you can do about it. Believe me, I don't want to toss the "you're young" card at you either, but trust me and Tara on this one- Enjoy your summer! You'll get past this easier than you may think. Cut ALL contact with her, enjoy your friends, get rid of EVERYTHING that is associated with her! Like the Lady said: chin up! This too shall pass! 1
Author DrDave92 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 so just let it play out and don't even say anything if she starts seeing this new guy? it's hard cos i thought i was starting to get over her but this has brought some feelings back to the surface. Her seeing someone else makes me feel sick, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later but didn't anticipate it to be this soon and i didn't think it would hurt this bad. She ditched me like i never meant anything to her though so i guess in her head she will be long gone and moved on by now, she's just filling that gap with someone new.
Chi townD Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Dude, you know this dudes MO. He's probably gonna hit it and quit it. He looks for girls that are vulnerable and goes in for the kill. Which, makes this dude look pathetic and a vulture going after scraps. You're Ex is gonna get hurt with this guy. But, not your problem anymore. Your not together anymore and this is her choice. You need to focus on you! Stay busy and make positive changes in your life.. It's the summertime! Grab your friends and go on a road trip! Have fun! The more busy you are, the less time you give yourself to think about what she's doing. Sit down with a calendar and fill out each day with things you can do to keep you busy. Different activites, concerts, ballgames, trip to Vegas, trips to different cities, look on the internet for different activities happening in your surrounding area, camping trips, fishing trips......stay busy!!!!
Author DrDave92 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 i'm just finding it tough at the minute, it seems that no matter what i try i can't get her off my mind. I've had persistent nightmares about her and this other guy and every single night she's in my dreams. Despite her treating me so badly i still really miss her however i'm aware i'm probably putting her on a pedestal. it's tough to organise things cos most my friends have girlfriends and are busy with them on weekends. I don't get my next student loan till September and i have no money so i'm pretty limited in terms of doing certain activities, especially when i have no mode of transport. i'm trying to hit the gym as much as possible as that helps but the days drag and my mind strays to memories of my ex far too often. It's hard
carnut Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 well my stroy didn't start off like yours but i'm in the same boat and currently i'm having the same visions as you. No nightmares yet prolly cause i'm not sure what this old flame of hers really looks like now. It's been officially 1 week since we verbally broke it off but called each other a few times and now it has ended. In the mean time I have been tinkering with my hobbies very very slowly and not as much as i'd like to. I leave the house any chance I get with friends and so on. I just started mentioning to friends that i'm seperated but did not mention why or any details, just that she's gone and i'm not sure what i'm gonna do now. after 4 days I was able to get a full nights sleep, and my trick was to play some basketball and fatigue myself.
Author DrDave92 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 i don't feel like i have properly let go of the relationship at this moment in time, i thought i had but i still find myself longing for her and hoping she changes her mind. I don't know why this is what i want as if she were to say she wanted to get back together with me i would be reluctant to do it, our relationship wasn't working towards the end and she treat me very badly. I just feel really muddled up and hurt at the minute. i miss having her in my life, having so much spare time just amplifies these emotions.
Chi townD Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Your biggest problem is that you way too much time on your hands. I know money is tight, but there are still things you can do. Get some boots on and go hiking, borrow some fishing gear and go fishing. Borrow camping gear and go camping. You just have to a little creative.
blotter Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 There is nothing you can really do other than try to to stay busy. This is what the aftermath of a break up is like. You have to give it time and try to keep yourself as busy as you can in that time. There are no shortcuts or magic pills that will get you through this, you are just going to have to grin and bare it, until the passage of time takes effect.
Author DrDave92 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 with all my friends working through the week and me not having a car or any money it's very hard to stay busy though. All i seem to do is watch television and go to the gym, it's really depressing. I don't really look forwards to the weekend anymore either, i've got a horrible empty feeling deep within me. The memories are flooding in at the moment no matter how much i try to block them out.
Chi townD Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If money is an issue, then why don't you get a summer job. There are some places that are looking for seasonal work from college students that are back from school. It's not unheard of.
lissa90 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I sympathise with you completely. My ex also told me he couldn't be in a relationship and whaddya know..he's now in one. Its like a sucker punch to the stomach and a slap to the face. It also huuurrts. But there is also a silver lining in there, it destroys any delusion of them coming back. The only advice I can give you is what I am doing for my self...riding this **** storm out. Reading copious amounts of books, NC and as soon as a thought about my ex or his girlfriend comes into my head, I try my hardest to think of something else. There will be good and bad days of course. Yesterday night I was incredibly emotional and upset, however I have a screw him attitude today. You'll get over this. You kinda have to.
Author DrDave92 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 chitown-with seasonal work it would all be in the city i attend university in (which is 30 miles away) and i don't feel strong enough to live through there by myself at the minute as being around my family is helping me get through things. Unfortunately i live in a very rural and isolated area and there are literally no jobs available at the moment lisa-sorry that you're going through something similar. The thing i can't do is accept that it's completely over, i thought i could but at the moment i can't. I always wonder whether she cares about what i'm doing or wondering whether she'll be thinking about me. It does seem clear that her feelings for me are long gone and this new guy has filled that void, she seems happy and content.
Author DrDave92 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 today i felt like texting her wishing her good luck for her exams as i know they determine whether she gets into university or not. I know this wouldn't be a good thing to do but for some reason i just have a very strong urge to do it as i still want her to do well
Author DrDave92 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 i contacted her last night to wish her good luck for her exam that's coming up to determine whether she gets in university or not. we exchanged a few messages then she said goodnight and that she'd liked talking to me. I know this was probably a right decision but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. It hasn't changed anything
Author DrDave92 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 she's been going over this guys house very often. When we have rarely made contact she genuinely seems to be completely over me. I know feelings are fickle but we're talking a month after a 2 year relationship! how can she be so over me already?
TaraMaiden Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Because her feelings probably went through their death troes before the actual break-up. You seem to be indicating it was an abrupt shock. I hate to break it to you, but this was probably idling in neutral, in her head, a long time before she put it in gear..... 1
Author DrDave92 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 but two days before we broke up i was consoling her after her and her mother had an argument, she was telling me she loved me and wanted me in her life forever. She had a diary she wrote in every single time we were together in which she said i was the reason she lived and the most important person in her life. Hurts so bad that someone i thought cared about me more than anyone else has tossed me to one side and has not one single care about me any more
TaraMaiden Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Yeah. That's what's known as self-reinforcement Women do this a lot. They know their feelings are dying, so the up the ante, profess undying love, make statements such as "I'll love you until I die," "You're so perfect for me," "You're the most important person in my life" - then they dump. It's actually one last-ditch effort to justify to themselves that what they feel about you is true - but in actual fact it's a vain attempt to conceal the fact that in truth, this is over. it's actually the complete opposite to the way they really feel - because they want to they to convince themselves, it's NOT over. But it is. hence, the bombshell effect. 3
Giha Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Yeah. That's what's known as self-reinforcement Women do this a lot. They know their feelings are dying, so the up the ante, profess undying love, make statements such as "I'll love you until I die," "You're so perfect for me," "You're the most important person in my life" - then they dump. It's actually one last-ditch effort to justify to themselves that what they feel about you is true - but in actual fact it's a vain attempt to conceal the fact that in truth, this is over. it's actually the complete opposite to the way they really feel - because they want to they to convince themselves, it's NOT over. But it is. hence, the bombshell effect. My ex did this to me. I thought about the possibilty that she was trying to convince herself, but wasn't sure. Probably true though. I don't mean to be rude but it really is a dick move. I mean, I not mad at her for doing it...she wasn't trying to hurt me and I don't believe she was aware she was doing it (hopefully...), but still. Ah well. What's done is done. Bottom line remains the same either way. 1
BC1980 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I had a similar situation with my ex. The weekend before he broke up with me, he told me I was "the best thing that ever happened to him." It seemed so blindsided when he broke up with me because we never had arguments at all. Sure, we had little disagreements, but we always seemed to click and go with the flow. Now, I realize that he was a really terrible communicator. When I was asking him why he broke up with me, he starting bringing up all these past instances that totally shocked me. Turns out he had been planning on proposing to me (bought me a ring), but, when it came down to it, he couldn't put all these things he never communicated to me behind him. What I'm trying to say is. . . . this stuff isn't blindsided to the dumper. My ex had been thinking about these things for weeks and decided he just couldn't live with some of my "personality traits." Basically, he was telling me he didn't love me enough to accept me for who I am. He didn't come out and say it so crudely, but that is what he meant. That sh*t hurts after 3 years. He really should have had the guts to tell me sooner he didn't feel we were such a great match. What's done is done. He wanted to be friends because I think he felt guilty, and he was selfish. He wanted to have the good parts of our relationship without actually committing to marriage. That's just so selfish. He was still wanting to go on vacation this summer because we always loved to travel. Can you imagine?
BC1980 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Because her feelings probably went through their death troes before the actual break-up. You seem to be indicating it was an abrupt shock. I hate to break it to you, but this was probably idling in neutral, in her head, a long time before she put it in gear..... Agree. My ex told me something similar. I was so confused as to why it was over, but he told me that he had already gone over all this in his head over the past few weeks. He was in a different place than me by the time he broke up with me. That's why it seems like such a shock to the dumpee, and it was really hard for me to accept how he felt because he had projected something so different up until the actual day he broke up with me. Even going so far as to text me "I love you" on the very day. I now know what he planned was more than a little calculated. No point in thinking about it. What is done is done. I think he really tried, up until the last minute, to deny what he felt he needed to do. He kept saying he really wanted it to work, ect. But wanting something doesn't make it so.
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