Jealousy

May 30, 2013

I'm nervous about starting this thread as I'm new here. I'm also nervous because its all highly personal but I want to get this off my chest and gave for months, so here goes.

I am happily married to my wife and I love her dearly.

We first met 15 years ago but nothing came of that and we never had sex and soon led separate lives. But we did fall in love and never forgot one another.

I married someone else and got divorced after 10 years. My ex wife and present wife are the only people I've had sex with.

Sex life with my wife is excellent and we are happy and very good friends.

However, I am suffering from irrational bowts of jealousy concerning my wife's past. She had told me in passing about past boyfriends and I haven't pressed for details. But she forgets what she has told me and says she had had sex with 4 guys before meeting up with me again. However I know that the true number is closer to 8 from stuff she has told me in passing.

One ex boyfriend's personal stuff was also kept at her house for years after they split and she valued him as a friend, even though he stopped communicating with her. When I came back into her life I asked after this stuff, found out what it was and asked her to throw it out. She did do this

She was also engaged to another dude at one point and I agonise over this as well

She also slept around a bit at college

She in passing mentions having great sex in the past, and clearly enjoyed herself with past BFs.

I am confident that she loves me and us happy now. But I can't let go of her past and my jealousy. I feel I need to off load these negative feelings here and to tell others how I feel.

May 30, 2013

I am happily married to my wife and I love her dearly.

Thats great!

I married someone else and got divorced after 10 years. My ex wife and present wife are the only people I've had sex with.

Why only two women you have had sex with. Really want to know why and how think and feel and believe about sex. How was your sex life with your first wife?

Sex life with my wife is excellent and we are happy and very good friends.

Could you be more specific? Does she orgasm regularly? Are you open and exploratory or share your desires and needs with each other?

However, I am suffering from irrational bouts of jealousy concerning my wife's past. She had told me in passing about past boyfriends and I haven't pressed for details. But she forgets what she has told me and says she had had sex with 4 guys before meeting up with me again. However I know that the true number is closer to 8 from stuff she has told me in passing.

Ok - whats behind your irrational bouts? Do you have certain religious or conservative beliefs about sex, or casual sex? Or is this more about you measuring up against them? Or maybe she did things with them and not you? or maybe you wish you had more sexual experiences? Or maybe you worry she will cheat since she may want other men even now? Can you describe more of your feelings here?

One ex boyfriend's personal stuff was also kept at her house for years after they split and she valued him as a friend, even though he stopped communicating with her. When I came back into her life I asked after this stuff, found out what it was and asked her to throw it out. She did do this

Thats a very good sign on her part- that she had sensitivity to your emotions, and complete commitment to you as her husband. She made the past the past - got rid of it for your needs. Although one could say keeping a few mementos was not so bad, it showed she loved you. I assume she has not been in contact with any of her lovers in secrete or anything.

She was also engaged to another dude at one point and I agonize over this as well

Why does her willingness to commit to someone (was opposed to just sex) bother you. Maybe you feel she might love you less?

She also slept around a bit at college

Okay that's kind of normal in college, youth and all that. But again - is this against your own beliefs on sex. Or what is going on in your mind and feelings here?

She in passing mentions having great sex in the past, and clearly enjoyed herself with past BFs.

Did you enjoy sex with your past wife? Is your current wife saying your not as good or comparing you to them, or degrading your sexual performance or implying she is superior to you sexually or anything?

I am confident that she loves me and us happy now. But I can't let go of her past and my jealousy. I feel I need to off load these negative feelings here and to tell others how I feel.

Thats good - she has been loving, and complimentary of you as a man and sexual being? Has she ever given you any reason to doubt your the man for her or that she finds you attractive and satisfying?

Let me know more whats going on in your mind and feelings and maybe we can offer suggestions other than "just get over it, she choose you, kind of responses"

May 30, 2013

Maybe this jealousy is to do with your insecurity because of her relationships with her exes, and the fact that you believe her partners number closer to 8 than four....whereas you have only ever had 2 partners.

Maybe you have feelings of inadequacy.

Maybe you believe that all relations with past partners is wrong and should not happen.

Maybe you believe they might have been better lovers than you.

Maybe you believe she is not really, or could never be, satisfied with you alone, and she may cheat.

You need to see a psychosexual counsellor - on your own to begin with....

And strip away the layers of confusion and determine what really lies at the foot of this quandary.

May 30, 2013

Hi. Thank you very much for coming back to me.

You've both asked some very searching questions.

Q. Why only two women you have had sex with. Really want to know why and how think and feel and believe about sex. How was your sex life with your first wife?

A. Because they were the only two I wanted to be with. I married my first wife quite young. Sex with her was not brilliant as she never really enjoyed it all that much. I was always more interested.

Q. Could you be more specific? Does she orgasm regularly? Are you open and exploratory or share your desires and needs with each other?

A. Yes, she orgasms regularly and often, unlike my first wife. Yes we are open and discuss sex.

Q. Ok - whats behind your irrational bouts? Do you have certain religious or conservative beliefs about sex, or casual sex? Or is this more about you measuring up against them? Or maybe she did things with them and not you? or maybe you wish you had more sexual experiences? Or maybe you worry she will cheat since she may want other men even now? Can you describe more of your feelings here?

A. I don't have any religious views on sex but I guess I might be conservative. I do wonder if they were larger than me and also what they may have done and I hate the thought of them having been with her. I absolutely do not fear she will cheat, not at all, but she is still Facebook friends with a few of them and that upsets me.

Q. Why does her willingness to commit to someone (was opposed to just sex) bother you. Maybe you feel she might love you less?

A. I suppose the fact that she loved him upsets me and "but for" him blowing it they'd be married and I'd have lost her forever.

Q. Okay that's kind of normal in college, youth and all that. But again - is this against your own beliefs on sex. Or what is going on in your mind and feelings here?

A. No. I just feel I have lost out and I regret not br

May 30, 2013

A. No. I just feel I have lost out and I regret not br ?????

Can you complete this?

May 30, 2013

Welcome to LS

Google 'retroactive jealousy' and do some reading. If you wish to confine that reading to LoveShack, there is plenty of information right here. In that case, Google "retroactive jealousy site:loveshack.org" That's a good start.

Since this issue is affecting your participation in your M, I'll second the suggestion for getting professional help, as your personal and marital health is at stake. Good luck.

May 30, 2013

I'd never come across the term "retroactive jealousy" til now, and I'm grateful to discover it. Thanks, carhill.

I've suffered from this a bit.

May 30, 2013

A. No. I just feel I have lost out and I regret not br ?????

Can you complete this?

Hi. Sorry I was replying on my iphone and got cut off. In fact I'd typed a long reply and lost the entire post. Ugh!!

What I was sayinmg was that I feel I have lost out on the time that my wife and I "should" have spent together.

When we met in 1997 I should have acted then and if I had then she would never have been involved with at least 3 of the other guys she has known.

Hang on, I'm going back to post 2 and will carry on from where I left off...

May 30, 2013

Q. Did you enjoy sex with your past wife? Is your current wife saying your not as good or comparing you to them, or degrading your sexual performance or implying she is superior to you sexually or anything?

A. Yes and no, sometimes I had enjoyablke sex with my ex wife but generally not. She didn't like sex much. I didn't think my wife is comparing e at all with her exes, she appears very happy and content. What I have noticed is that she clearly had 'bigger' guys as I can tell from lovemaking but in no way does this bother her and she does enjoy our sex. She has never reassured me though that I'm the best she's had but neither has she said anything bad at all. She does enjoy "us" and orgasms regularly so my ego's ok in that respect.

Q. Thats good - she has been loving, and complimentary of you as a man and sexual being? Has she ever given you any reason to doubt your the man for her or that she finds you attractive and satisfying?

A. Yes, although her facebook connections and the way she kept one of her exes things make me feel insecure, but more in myself than in her. For instance, she has destroyed all of the photos and keepsakes from her exes.

More to come, hang on....

May 30, 2013

Maybe this jealousy is to do with your insecurity because of her relationships with her exes, and the fact that you believe her partners number closer to 8 than four....whereas you have only ever had 2 partners.

Hi. That doesn't really figure in my thinking. I think I'd feel the same way if she'd slept with 4 as opposed to 8. Its the fact that anyone she met after we did 15 years ago in 1997 is, in my eyes, a tragedy. I feel badly thinking this way as I love her dearly.

Maybe you have feelings of inadequacy.[/Quote]

Well sometimes, not always, I do feel inadequate 'down there' to some extent. I'm small-average and intuitively know she's had bigger. That said, I have to tell you that I know this doesn't bother her at all. She cums a lot and enjoys sex with me. So I have mixed feelings in that regard. I'm not too bad at sex and I think because we are in love that it comensates anyway, if that makes sense,,,?

Maybe you believe that all relations with past partners is wrong and should not happen. [/Quote]

Not really... I just have this sense of grief really, that because we had met before that I could have had her all to myself. I'm unawoedly selfisj because she means everything to me.

Maybe you believe they might have been better lovers than you. [/Quote]

Yes because they most were younger than I am now when she had them, they would have been, as was I back then. So its not a fair comparison really. But generally I would have to say that the impression I get is that some were better, yes but I don't think she cares about that as she does love me.

Maybe you believe she is not really, or could never be, satisfied with you alone, and she may cheat.[/Quote]

No I don't think that is the case. In all truth, that is not my issue.

You need to see a psychosexual counsellor - on your own to begin with....
And strip away the layers of confusion and determine what really lies at the foot of this quandary.

That is very caring advice from you. I have been consiering it but I'm leary of counsellors as many claim to be qualified when they are not.

May 30, 2013

Welcome to LS

Google 'retroactive jealousy' and do some reading. If you wish to confine that reading to LoveShack, there is plenty of information right here. In that case, Google "retroactive jealousy site:loveshack.org" That's a good start.

Since this issue is affecting your participation in your M, I'll second the suggestion for getting professional help, as your personal and marital health is at stake. Good luck.

Thank you, yes, I will consider this.

I'm not a bad person and I do love my wife and care deeply for her. I just wish I could get over my feelings of jealousy.

May 30, 2013

sorry about typos, the software here prevented me from editing most of it.

I also think we could have had children and I deeply regret that too.

Edited May 30, 2013 by Johan1965

May 30, 2013

Hi. That doesn't really figure in my thinking....

<snip>

....That is very caring advice from you. I have been consiering it but I'm leary of counsellors as many claim to be qualified when they are not.

I actually gathered a few of your responses to my post, in replies you made earlier, so maybe by the time you got to it, my contribution was superfluous - but thank you for the herculean effort in replying to each point anyway!

Have you actually expressed any of your concerns to your wife?

Do you think she would be surprised by your 'jealousy'?

I call it as you have called it but I'm of the opinion that it's maybe too strong a word...

I think you have some natural concerns, but comparisons are futile really...

She's with you, not them.

Your feelings of 'size' are irrelevant, because if she loves you (no doubt she does) and if she orgasms during sex with you - then it's more in your mind than a a reality.

I would still advise seeing a counsellor though...

I get what you mean about trustworthy ones, but one way a friend of mine found a good counsellor was to ring different ones in her area and ask them - "If you could name an excellent counsellor other than your good self, who would you nominate?"

She found the guy through recommendations from other counsellors.

He got the most votes.

Apparently, they were right.

May 30, 2013

Penis size thing - ya that's an issue for many a guy. So you live with the likely hood a few of her "8" may have been larger. It is what it is. You can spend some time in the sexuality section as there is a huge (sorry!) thread on this topic. Too much to discuss here - But your wife has never said a thing to you negatively about your size - and she cums alot with you, focus on this. If your interested in improving your game - there are plenty of books out there - but sounds like you don't need any improvement.

Also if after many years or marriage you are getting good frequent sex - wife still wants you and sex is great - then forget penis size - you are in the top 10-20% of married men in this regard - you got an active happy orgasmic sex life within a long marriage with your wife. Lucky guy you, but there is more than a few husbands with a normal-large penis who would trade theirs for yours.

I don't know which ex's she still remains connected to on Facebook, or what they say or share. My own wife has two connections (minor) to old boyfriends that were good men and are married now themselves. I don't worry about those two. Others were not allowed. Only you can decided whats right for you on connections - also as long as she is not hiding anything.

Your other thoughts seem pretty "normal" in the sense that your not alone with them. Have you been feeling this way for a while? Is there anything else going on in your life these days?

Edited May 30, 2013 by dichotomy

May 30, 2013

I actually gathered a few of your responses to my post, in replies you made earlier, so maybe by the time you got to it, my contribution was superfluous - but thank you for the herculean effort in replying to each point anyway! [/Quote].

Thanks, I appreciate your time in posting

Have you actually expressed any of your concerns to your wife?
Do you think she would be surprised by your 'jealousy'? [/Quote]

To be honest here, I have only skimmed around the issue because I am very wary of appearing too jealous and insecure to her, so I've been bottling it up and keeping it to myself for the most part. When I noticed one if her exes cell fone numbers on her contacts I blew it and she took it off. She had also offered to defriend the Facebook guys but I haven't pushed that because I feel it makes me look insecure and weak....

I call it as you have called it but I'm of the opinion that it's maybe too strong a word...

I think you have some natural concerns, but comparisons are futile really...
She's with you, not them. [/Quote]

Thank you, you are kind I can tell and I value those remarks. I am probably bring a little too hard on myself but these feelings can make me feel like s***t sometimes, which is why I'm here

Your feelings of 'size' are irrelevant, because if she loves you (no doubt she does) and if she orgasms during sex with you - then it's more in your mind than a a reality.[/Quote]

I agree. I'm not wel endowed but I've never found that any impediment in both marriages, and for the most part I accept that. Neither of my previous sexual partners have ever raised that as an issue. It's definitely on my mind though albeit not constantly.

I would still advise seeing a counsellor though...

I get what you mean about trustworthy ones, but one way a friend of mine found a good counsellor was to ring different ones in her area and ask them - "If you could name an excellent counsellor other than your good self, who would you nominate?"

She found the guy through recommendations from other counsellors.
He got the most votes.
Apparently, they were right.

Yeah i'm headed that way I think. I need done coping mechanisms

Edited May 30, 2013 by Johan1965

May 30, 2013

Hi dichotomy

Yes I take on board all of your points.

Your other thoughts seem pretty "normal" in the sense that your not alone with them. Have you been feeling this way for a while? Is there anything else going on in your life these days?

I've been feeling this way A LONG TIME! I feel I need to get a grip on this now as I was hoping it would go away but it hasn't

May 31, 2013

Hi dichotomy

Yes I take on board all of your points.

I've been feeling this way A LONG TIME! I feel I need to get a grip on this now as I was hoping it would go away but it hasn't

No, it's funny how elephants in rooms stick around when you keep feeding them.....

May 31, 2013

If someone fibs about something, a doubt is created and if I'm constantly reminded of that doubt, it makes me question the person. My logic in this case would be:

1. Maybe she remembers, but wants to play it down to make herself look better. In this case she'd be putting her appearances over your desire for the truth.

2. Maybe she really forgot. In which case maybe she doesn't think sleeping with different guys is a big deal. Maybe that doesn't sit right with you.

3. Maybe she remembers, but wants to make you feel more secure.

If you know she isn't the only one like this, maybe this will make you feel better.

Why Men and Women Lie About Sex

And if that doesn't do it despite how good your life with her is, here's the David Wallace commencement speech to inspire you to think again.

THIS IS WATER - YouTube

Finally, you can always sit down and discuss this constructively with her.

May 31, 2013

If someone fibs about something, a doubt is created and if I'm constantly reminded of that doubt, it makes me question the person. My logic in this case would be:

1. Maybe she remembers, but wants to play it down to make herself look better. In this case she'd be putting her appearances over your desire for the truth.

2. Maybe she really forgot. In which case maybe she doesn't think sleeping with different guys is a big deal. Maybe that doesn't sit right with you.

3. Maybe she remembers, but wants to make you feel more secure.

If you know she isn't the only one like this, maybe this will make you feel better.

Why Men and Women Lie About Sex

And if that doesn't do it despite how good your life with her is, here's the David Wallace commencement speech to inspire you to think again.

THIS IS WATER - YouTube

Finally, you can always sit down and discuss this constructively with her.

Yeah I was spun a line. I guess it's my fault for mentally recording all the other information she divulged after that.

That and the Facebook chums and cell fone numbers she kept plus one of the dude's personal stuff. In fairness she had offered to ditch any FB connections I object to and delete contacts and she did clear out the dudes stuff when we started dating. I just can't bring myself to ask her to defriend the exes on FB because it seems petty, and it is.

I have to grow up some I reckon.

May 31, 2013

No, it's funny how elephants in rooms stick around when you keep feeding them.....

Wise words as ever !

May 31, 2013

It is not petty for you to ask her to delete cell phone number or facebook connections - IF there is reason to do. She seemed fine with it right?

Do you know who they are, what role they had in her life, if they are married now, or what communications she has had with them? Phone numbers on the cell - how often does she talk to them and why? On Facebook, what is shared and posted to them?I don't think there is anything going on but you have a right to know about ex's she may be talking or chatting with.

I As I mentioned, My wife has two long ago boyfriends, nice enough guys who I know (met once a while ago) and I know they are of good character and are happily married themselves. She lets me know when they occasionally contact her (maybe once a year or once every two years via FB message). However, I would be concerned if she was chatting away privately and regularly (or phone or in person) about our marriage or me. There is a line. There are more than a few men from her past which are definitely No Contact by my request.

Again there is no reason for you to be concerned, but it is ok to be aware and request boundaries to improve your marriage.

Edited May 31, 2013 by dichotomy

May 31, 2013

Yeah I was spun a line. I guess it's my fault for mentally recording all the other information she divulged after that.

That and the Facebook chums and cell fone numbers she kept plus one of the dude's personal stuff. In fairness she had offered to ditch any FB connections I object to and delete contacts and she did clear out the dudes stuff when we started dating. I just can't bring myself to ask her to defriend the exes on FB because it seems petty, and it is.

I have to grow up some I reckon.

I wouldn't say it's petty to ask about it. If someone says one thing but later it's discovered what they said wasn't true, it does matter. If it didn't matter, they wouldn't have lied.

But, it's more constructive to approach situations with an open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt. Your SO sounds like a great person, and someone who deserves that.

June 1, 2013

She rarely hears from any of them now. When I started dating her they were in touch every now and then (a few of them) but since we got married there's been nothing. So I let it go but I will put my foot down if any correspondence kicks off. What they are for her, quite simply, are friends.

As for the 4 versus true number of 8 thing, my thinking on this has been annoyance at the fib (it's more of a fib than lie, I agree). I think she did that at the beginning because I told her I'd only been with 1 other person my ex, and that her having slept about a bit made her look bad in her eyes, hence the playing down of the numbers. I stress I didn't say or do anything, I just filed it away in my memory. The grey elephants one of you above mentioned, lol

I call my feelings jealousy because I resent that she had these past BFs and that she resists letting go of them entirely. She would defriend them etc but not voluntarily, I'd have to ask and that's something I don't feel the need to do (but I WANT to, if you see the difference?)

Thanks your posts here you guys, it's helping me rationalise my feelings.

Edited June 1, 2013 by Johan1965

June 1, 2013

OP, this is more than jealousy; this is insecurity on your part, and there's a big difference, IMO. To me, jealousy occurs when you're observing something that is very real happening before you that elicits a fear of loss, such as your wife spending time with a male coworker and knowing that he's charming her socks off. There could be absolutely no romantic feelings whatsoever, but there are still real feelings of being emotionally threatened with a personal loss.

In your case, you're worried about something that is basically imagined. You're creating a monster that doesn't really exist except for in the past. The truth is, everyone has a past. You have a past. Tell me, why shouldn't she be jealous of your ex wife? Why should you be more jealous of her past than she should be of yours? See what I mean?

I'm not attacking you: we all have probably felt jealous, and we all have probably felt insecure. But know the difference, and do something about those insecurities. Otherwise, if you're not careful, they may result in very valid feelings of jealousy later on...if you know what I mean.

June 1, 2013

Why would you try and ruin a happy M with something that can't be changed?

Edited June 1, 2013 by 2sunny

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