ShadowCore Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Hello all, I would really appreciate some input on these thoughts I've been having recently. I have posted previously with my full story, but a brief run-down of the relationship is as follows -together 5 years -the last 3 years of that were long distance (different countries - his family lost their visa so had to move back to where they were from) -visited every 4 months and lived in his country 5 months last year -broke up 7 months ago (too young and both with commitments in our own countries. Plus I lost a lot of myself from trying to hold onto LDR) -more or less mutual breakup. I wasn't happy about it but could accept it was the best decision for us at the current time. -almost 7 months NC I was extremely depressed for several months. I quit university (a good choice - wrong course) and moved back home. I am now doing better, I have my old job back and have made new friends. I feel better about myself and am working with professionals to help me overcome some phobias I have (driving). I am definitely in a better place now. However, I have been completely hiding from the break up. I abandoned all social media, hid any photos, avoided anything to do with him. This has served its purpose I feel, as I am in a better place. But I no longer feel it is the best tactic. I feel I am somewhat in denial - denial that he is a 'real person' because I have tried to block out his existence. This causes me heavy anxiety when I actually think of him as a person, when anyone talks about him, or when I think about hearing anything about what he's up to. I see myself in a bubble, and even the most trivial thing would cause me big anxiety because I haven't been trying to deal with any of it. So I was considering "bursting the bubble" myself, in a planned way, rather than an unexpected way. By contacting him to humanise the situation again. Because I feel I have to accept he is a 'real person' getting on with everyday life, and I have to work out how to deal with that and live alongside it rather than hiding. I more or less aim on telling him exactly this in an email. I don't see any point in not being honest. I will make it clear I am not suggesting anything or asking for anything, just trying to help the situation move on. Saying I know we can't talk really because it's too hard, but I've had my time separate from everything, and now I'm just around like anybody else. I hope it will be a help not a hindrance to both myself and him - but my fear is that he will be content with how things are now and I will hurt him by contacting. Does this make sense to anyone? Thank you so much if you've read this. I appreciate any input you have. I think these feelings are specifically because it was a fairly mutual breakup which happened due to circumstance and timing. Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
cavalier99 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Dont do it until you really and truly dont care. You dont sound ready. I did it after 7 months NC but i have a new GF also i was already getting super indifferent. The only thing that was left from the BU was the fact that i was still counting my NC. So for me breaking NC totally finalized my recovery. I knocked her and even NC off the pedestal. So getting in touch just validated even more that i didnt want back, didnt care that she has a bf who she f*cks regularly ecertea! Unless you can sit and view fotos of your ex kissing new significant other and laugh about old times, and joke about going on a double date, and not care at all DONT DO IT. Cav 2
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Yes, you need to have reached the level of 'benign Indifference' - even to the point that if he replies and says something to the tune of "Go! And never darken my doorstep again!" you'd still be able to smile wryly, shake your head, shrug and think, "Meh...Oh well, I tried. No probs"! You must reach a level in No Contact where your heart is completely healed and totally safe from further injury. Otherwise - shelve the idea. 2
Recommended Posts