ChelleBelle00 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 not sure if this is just me venting or asking for advice, but here goes.. i feel like there are not many pros to this relationship... at least not as many pros as there are cons. we've been together about 6 months, and he has not taken me on a date since our first date... which wasn't much of a date, it was at Taco Bell. I don't NEED to necesarilly be taken out and pampered regularly, but I nice little "hey let's spend some special time together" night every now and then would make me feel really special. It doesn't even have to cost money... a picnic, a walk in the park, simple things. I tell him I'd like to do these things and he agrees it would be nice, but I still don't get that from him... Also, there's a LOT of me doing things for him... he asks me to grab him some lunch frequently to drop off on his lunch break, asks me to cover for him or switch shifts at work, giving up all my days off so he can go to fun events, has me driving around quite a bit either spending money or bending over backwards for him and its all just starting to add up. He never does these things for me... I don't ask things of him, I'm quite self-sufficient, but I never even get an offer. He often complains about being broke and he feels bad about it, but what boggles me is that he makes more than me at work but i'm the one covering for him when he can't afford something... it's only ever small things but it adds up over time. Ive never been a shallow type of person. I could cope with a lack of "gestures" so to speak if he was better at just making me feel good. He makes little jokes sometimes and they're beginning to eat away at me. Making fun of my face during sex, making fun of a birthmark I have in a private area, telling me my legs are too long, etc... he never tells me i'm beautiful. He never wants the lights on during sex, makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. The final kick to my self esteem is him drooling over females in movies and on TV. Telling me about dreams he had about them. Talking about how they're SOOO HOTTTTTT and of course his phone is filled with centerfold type pictures of attractive girls. He calls these girls hot without a second thought. But he does not ever compliment me. Surely he is attracted to me, otherwise he would not be with me... but he makes me feel gross. He does not want oral sex from me either. I have tried 3 times and he would not let me. Ive also worn lingerie for him hoping to excite him. He seemed to not really even notice... I dont even want to have sex anymore. He's made me too self conscious. Making fun of my face, laughing at the birthmark, keeping the lights off. Basically, moral of the story... I can put up with him being broke. I can put up with not being taken out. I can put up with knowing that he has certain actresses he really likes and that he enjoys porn/pornographic images. I could put up with all of this if I felt like I was really being loved and adored. Instead I feel like I'm just some warm body thats a placeholder, with the title "girlfriend". I dont actually mean anything, it seems... I guess what I'm wondering is... are there certain areas where I'm being unreasonable? Can I do something to fix these problems? We never actually fight, we get along reasonably. When my feelings are hurt I tell him, and he apologizes saying he was just joking and then we move past it, but I still remember... I don't know whether I should leave or work on this. I'm not exactly the most desirable girl, he's only the 3rd guy to ever ask me out, and I'm 27. I can't afford to toss away someone who's willing to be with me if there's something I can do to make the situation better.
Zoden Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Sometimes getting out of a destructive relationship is hard. We become comfortable with the dysfunction. I should know, believe me. This sounds like a terrible and somewhat abusive relationship. It will only get worse, don't kid yourself. You would be better off alone to be honest and never think that you won't be able to find somebody else (whose better). That's just fear of change talking. If you really want to give this guy a chance then make an ultimatum for him to treat you with more respect or you will bail. I doubt a person like this is capable of that kind of change though so I wouldn't expect much.
happykat Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I don't know whether I should leave or work on this. I'm not exactly the most desirable girl, he's only the 3rd guy to ever ask me out, and I'm 27. I can't afford to toss away someone who's willing to be with me if there's something I can do to make the situation better. GIRL! Being 27 is all the more reason to dump this loser!! seriously!! Get out while you still have youth on your side.. Plenty of men will be interested in you, do not even worry about that.. If you don't, next thing you know you may have an accidental pregnancy and be tied to him for forever!! and that's a very long time! (speaking from experience) Be strong and break away.. it doesn't seem like there is anything positive to work with here. I wish you much luck and happiness 2
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 maybe i deserve better, maybe i don't. I'm not so good at this whole "girlfriend" thing... hadn't had a relationship since high school. He's much kinder than the previous 2 guys I dated, both of whom ended promptly once they got physically violent with me.... I have clear boundaries for when I just will not continue with a man, and he has not passed these boundaries, but feeling unhappy is pushing me more towards that line. I am his first girlfriend and I am under the impression that he really doesn' know how to behave. He dated in the past but never pursued the girls saying they came off as very needy and that my independence and reasonable demeanor are what showed him he can trust me. I'd rather try to improve than leave... if there's something I can do to give him more happiness while maintaining respect I'd like that. He may not be totally satisfied with me, but he's reserved, he would never open up about it if it were the case. If I can't get anything out of him then I will leave. But I want to try. The main thing that needs to change is his kicking my self-esteem. I do not think it is intentional. He is a jokester, and I've gotten offended by him and he apologized, but by letting it go he then thinks its OK to joke. I don't want to come off as high-maintenance or insecure or naggy, but he NEEDS to know that jokes about my face or body are NOT ok and that if he expects sex to be any fun I need to feel attractive and desired. This week is the first week that I turned him down for sex. Otherwise we had sex about 3 times a week (pretty much every time we would see each other)... I don't know how to go about talking about the subject... if I say "HEY you make me feel like ugly crap" he'll take it as "HEY you're a total dick"... I need a way to approach it in a sensitive manner.
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 GIRL! Being 27 is all the more reason to dump this loser!! seriously!! Get out while you still have youth on your side.. Plenty of men will be interested in you, do not even worry about that.. If you don't, next thing you know you may have an accidental pregnancy and be tied to him for forever!! and that's a very long time! (speaking from experience) Be strong and break away.. it doesn't seem like there is anything positive to work with here. I wish you much luck and happiness I'm stuck between thinking "HEY I'm still young and I have time" to thinking "Well actually I won't have youth on my side forever, I don't wanna end up stuck single while my prime time just burns away on the clock" I spent the last ten years being single... it got very lonely. Men just aren't interested in me. Pregnancy is not a concern. I am on birth control and we always use protection. Maybe it really is just gonna have to be ended. I can't feel like this much longer. Either it needs to get better or I need to move on.
happykat Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 OK, since you are is first girlfriend hopefully the problem is more inexperience than insensitivity. I think you should let him know that it would turn you on if you felt that you were desirable to him. Tell him that lately you feel a bit down because he's been poking fun of you, and it just doesn't make you feel sexy.
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Sometimes getting out of a destructive relationship is hard. We become comfortable with the dysfunction. I should know, believe me. This sounds like a terrible and somewhat abusive relationship. It will only get worse, don't kid yourself. You would be better off alone to be honest and never think that you won't be able to find somebody else (whose better). That's just fear of change talking. If you really want to give this guy a chance then make an ultimatum for him to treat you with more respect or you will bail. I doubt a person like this is capable of that kind of change though so I wouldn't expect much. I wouldn't call it abusive persay... he doesn't understand how his jokes can cut me. To him they're just jokes... but to me it's a stab to my emotions. He's quite socially unaware unfortunately.. He gets anxious about me leaving him. Worries that I'm unhappy. He senses that I'm withdrawn lately and it's put him into slight panic mode. Most obvious is me refusing sex. He knows I like sex and am sexual. God it has to be really bad for someone who truly does enjoy having sex regularly while in a relationship decides they'd rather go without than feel embarassed about how I look.
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 OK, since you are is first girlfriend hopefully the problem is more inexperience than insensitivity. I think you should let him know that it would turn you on if you felt that you were desirable to him. Tell him that lately you feel a bit down because he's been poking fun of you, and it just doesn't make you feel sexy. Yeah, I'm gonna have to. There's no getting around it. I might sound naggy or needy, but its a requirement at this point. I need to feel desired and wanted. I wonder if his friends kind of have this influence on him. His friend fawn over girls in frnt of their girlfriends as well, he may think its normal behavior. It's mostly inexperience on his part I think, with a pinch of insensitivity thrown in on his part.
oldschool1 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I am so sorry this is happening to you, but this is very destructive. I suppose it is possible that your boyfriend is simply inexperienced, but it's just not a good enough excuse. He should care for you, love you and make you feel beautiful. It seems that he is doing none of those things. You most definitely deserve more. You don't have to be gorgeous and perfect to deserve a good man who treats you well. Please don't put up with this. I really doubt he can change at this point, but I suppose that any willing participant can be rehabilitated. You are NOT being naggy by asking for what you want, and you're asking for nothing more than basic decency.
Adele0908 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Also, there's a LOT of me doing things for him... he asks me to grab him some lunch frequently to drop off on his lunch break, asks me to cover for him or switch shifts at work, giving up all my days off so he can go to fun events, has me driving around quite a bit either spending money or bending over backwards for him and its all just starting to add up.-Well since you are doing it he is not going to turn you down. Just stop doing it. He didn't force you to do these things. It was nice but it makes you look desperate. Is he a king or something? lol I don't ask things of him, I'm quite self-sufficient, but I never even get an offer -You didn't ask. If he feels like he has you and doesn't have to do much to keep you then what would make him want to do more. You basically have to ask. He makes little jokes sometimes and they're beginning to eat away at me. Making fun of my face during sex, making fun of a birthmark I have in a private area, telling me my legs are too long, etc... he never tells me i'm beautiful. He never wants the lights on during sex, makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. -How about saying, "Hey I don't appreciate that comment you just made! Don't say it again!" He is being goofy, immature, insensitive and he might be insecure about himself. Guys tend to try to bring a woman down a notch when they think she is too attractive for them. You should make the effort to compliment yourself when your alone AND when you are around him. The final kick to my self esteem is him drooling over females in movies and on TV. Telling me about dreams he had about them. Talking about how they're SOOO HOTTTTTT and of course his phone is filled with centerfold type pictures of attractive girls. -Well it looks like you have low self esteem to begin with. But anyway he is just trying to see how you respond. He can't even get with any of these centerfolds and models. Next time he says something like that, just say something like, "Oh really, well too bad you can only have sex with her in your dreams." and then tell him about all the numbers you got at the club, or all the men that hit on you that day. He does not want oral sex from me either. I have tried 3 times and he would not let me. Ive also worn lingerie for him hoping to excite him. He seemed to not really even notice... -This dude is so full of himself but you let him be full of himself! Bending over backward for a man who doesn't respect you only backfires. He knows you are trying to please him and are not strong enough to stand up for yourself, so he is just taking advantage of that, which is extremely ****ed up. I could put up with all of this if I felt like I was really being loved and adored. -Because deep down you know you deserve better, no matter what you look like or what kind of birthmark you have. And you do deserve to be loved and adored. But you have to love yourself. Which means putting yourself first. It is hard to love and adore someone who doesn't love themselves, that is just the way it works. Can I do something to fix these problems? -If you choose to still stay with him, it could be under the premise of using new techniques to deal with him. Basically, as an experiment. Example: Stop taking him around and doing things for him and see how he responds. Start standing up for yourself and see how he responds. So you could use it as an opportunity to try new behaviors with him and see how he responds. What I'm saying is, its like if you adopted a new dog, but the dog has been behaving badly and eating up your furniture and growling at your neighbors and trying to bite you. You could toss it out or you could take on the task of training it. Like The Dog Whisperer. lol If you toss it out, you learn nothing but if you take on the task of training it, you could learn something very valuable. But I think where you should start is with yourself, improving your self esteem. Have you read that book "Why Men Love Bitches"? It could be a good start to finding solutions to your issue. I can't afford to toss away someone who's willing to be with me if there's something I can do to make the situation better. -Because you think that you don't have options, you allow him to mistreat you and you basically turn into a doormat for him. But you're lying to yourself by thinking that you don't have options. He wasn't the first guy to find you attractive and he won't be the last.
soccerrprp Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Way too one-sided here. You need to seriously think about getting out.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I don't know how in the hell you even feel it necessary to justify that you aren't needy or this that and the other thing and all you've had is some damn taco bell...I'm flabbergasted how you can even ask these questions with a straight face, this guy might not be abusive physically, but he sure is hell is an abuser in other ways and is definitely taking advantage of you in so many ways, all the while trampling your self-esteem on top of it. But you also let this happen, you let this guy treat you this way because you're insecure and like many a typical female you are focusing on the "positives" and trying to "work through the ups and downs", and the worse part you even think you might "deserve" this for some insanely retarded reason...god, sometimes I just want to stab myself in eyes out when I read posts like this because I can't imagine what in the world you think you could possibly do or change. And yet you'll continue to try and come up with an answer to this ever so elusive question even though there is none! round and round you'll go waiting for the "advice" you want to hear...some way...some reason...to stay. This is a growing process, he has slowly treated you this way and it'll get progressively worse and worse, and then you justify it calling him a jokester? ha! he's half-kidding, basically covering up his truths and opinions under the guise of a joke and you know this. The guys a wise ass, he's talking crap to your face, they're not jokes...the only joke is the one on you. No there's nothing you can do to change it, because you've let him treat you this way the entire relationship, you've taught him that this is what you will accept and tolerate...now if you try and change it he'll think you're acting like a beatch or coming out of the blue with these problems because you didn't speak up about them before and then he'll just dump you and push you away in the end anyway, and he knows you're emotionally naive/gullible and vulnerable to be taken advantage of which is why he will not care and keep doing it. There's no reason to treat you better, you've shown him so through your "tolerance". You've given him sex, affection, been kind and considerate, attentive, doing all you can for the guy...why the hell is he going to give you more? If your cell phone company calls you up and asks you to pay 40 dollars more per month because you seem happy and like the "service" are you going to agree? no you're going to get pissed off and cancel and go with another carrier...you've changed the terms of the agreement, you've already said to him "this is what I expect, this is how you should treat me, this is what I'll accept"....You think you just can grow some ovaries now and start speaking your mind and expressing yourself? he'll think you're an idiot/overreacting/being complicated and roll his eyes at you, and he won't even take you seriously because in the end....watch...try it....he'll say oh ok, apologize, then change for like 3 hours then start treating you the same way he used to slowly but surely as before...because this is what you've showed him you are...you have no self-respect or self-esteem, and you're desperate, and since the other douchebags didn't treat you any better you think this guy is gold...awesome, just awesome. I realize you might not be a victoria super model or even the most attractive woman in the world, but you should at least have the self-respect to draw the line...for yourself. You shouldn't just let yourself be tossed around like a bag of potatoes and then make excuses for him every step of the way and just "hope" that magically everything is going to change....what a ridiculous yet predictable thought-process of just about every person who has been in your shoes in a relationship. Trying to change or improve something...like what? tell me, explain to me what you could possibly do...you've already tried it, hows it working for you? oh but let's just keep going because maybe something will just change at some point...because that's what happens in the real world right? Be smarter than that, be stronger than this, give up the fight and control of trying to "keep a man" or "keep him happy" because you're afraid to lose him, you will not be able to keep one in your life in this manner unless you expect to deal with abuse and neglect the entire relationship and it'll never amount to anything you expect....you'll be like this bottom feeder just waiting for the crumbs to drop and scrapping them up like some little troll all excited over having a square meal...giving him little gold stars for every little piss poor thing he does half-assed that is positive or that you can twist or manipulate into something positive...and he'll never learn either, this is the expectation he'll have for the next woman...but I bet your @ss if he dates a woman with backbone he'd crawl away in a little cave. And on top of all of this, I guarantee he will dump you or try to break up with you or get some separation at some point, or he will eventually cheat on you and he will absolutely without a doubt make you feel worse about yourself...but you have to ask yourself, why the hell do you take it? that's the bigger issue and problem, because if any guy can get away with this, you're in for a long and hard life with men. You think selling you're soul/heart to these men is going to get you what you want...you're in for a big surprise, because you've got to treat yourself better than this in order for someone to even take you seriously and treat you with any respect. You seem like the type that might just buckle down and settle though, folding like a deck of cards because of your fears and insecurities and being alone...hope your pride, dignity and self-esteem is worth laying in bed with a man who'd rather be with another woman and basically hints to you every day that he finds all these other women more desirable...yet unattainable.
Treasa Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It's very abusive. Dump him. Also, never give more of yourself if you aren't getting a lot from the other person. I'm not a shallow person either, but I don't just blindly give in the hope of getting someone to appreciate me. I give when I can do it freely without any resentment or expectation of recompense. I also don't give too much of myself. 2
Adele0908 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 maybe i deserve better, maybe i don't. I'm not so good at this whole "girlfriend" thing... hadn't had a relationship since high school. He's much kinder than the previous 2 guys I dated, both of whom ended promptly once they got physically violent with me.... I have clear boundaries for when I just will not continue with a man, and he has not passed these boundaries, but feeling unhappy is pushing me more towards that line. I am his first girlfriend and I am under the impression that he really doesn' know how to behave. He dated in the past but never pursued the girls saying they came off as very needy and that my independence and reasonable demeanor are what showed him he can trust me. I'd rather try to improve than leave... if there's something I can do to give him more happiness while maintaining respect I'd like that. He may not be totally satisfied with me, but he's reserved, he would never open up about it if it were the case. If I can't get anything out of him then I will leave. But I want to try. The main thing that needs to change is his kicking my self-esteem. I do not think it is intentional. He is a jokester, and I've gotten offended by him and he apologized, but by letting it go he then thinks its OK to joke. I don't want to come off as high-maintenance or insecure or naggy, but he NEEDS to know that jokes about my face or body are NOT ok and that if he expects sex to be any fun I need to feel attractive and desired. This week is the first week that I turned him down for sex. Otherwise we had sex about 3 times a week (pretty much every time we would see each other)... I don't know how to go about talking about the subject... if I say "HEY you make me feel like ugly crap" he'll take it as "HEY you're a total dick"... I need a way to approach it in a sensitive manner. Is it possible for you to go out of town or on vacation? You need a break from him. If you could go with some friends on nice vacation, or go to a nice spa for a weekend, you would feel so much better. If you know of any friends getting married in other states, you could travel out there for the wedding, stay in a nice hotel and enjoy yourself. After 6 long months of this, take space for yourself to have fun. Then you'll stop feeling like you need him so much.
MidwestUSA Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Ask yourself what man turns down a blowjob? That he would go to this extreme in his attempts to manipulate/use you and stomp on your self esteem says volumes. I have to say, I've never heard of that tactic!
serial muse Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 maybe i deserve better, maybe i don't. ... He dated in the past but never pursued the girls saying they came off as very needy and that my independence and reasonable demeanor are what showed him he can trust me. I'd rather try to improve than leave... if there's something I can do to give him more happiness while maintaining respect I'd like that. He may not be totally satisfied with me, but he's reserved, he would never open up about it if it were the case. This makes me sad for you...it's easy to identify abusive behavior when it's physical, but the line is much murkier when it's emotional/verbal. I don't know that that's what's going on here, but he's definitely manipulative, at the very least. And the bottom line is that you aren't happy and this relationship makes you feel worse about yourself than ever. It does sound like you're staying in it because you think it's the best you can do. I'm sure it isn't; but that's the nature of emotional abuse: Tear down the other person so that they won't leave you because they think they have nowhere else to go. It may just be that he's inexperienced and is doing what he sees his friends do. That would be the best-case scenario, because it means that if he does care about you, he'll cut it out. But this thing where he's basically told you to not complain because he won't "trust" you is indeed manipulative - it keeps you quiet about your needs, and his become the only ones that ever get discussed. I mean, go back and read the bits I quoted above - you are concerned about giving him more happiness! But you're the one who's unhappy. Doesn't that matter too? If you aren't ready to chuck it, and it sounds like you aren't, then yes, you need to at least speak up. He should know that the reason you're turning away from sex with him is that he persistently makes you feel undesirable, and that you're really hurting from his negative comments and unwillingness to be a true partner to you. It would be awful, indeed, if his response to this is to shift the blame right back onto you, by disparaging your behavior, looks, by telling you you're being needy, that he can't trust you anymore, or whatever. But if he does that, please understand that he is giving you the information you need. He is telling you that it won't get better, and that his feelings are the only ones that matter to him. And I hope you'll take that as a cue to walk out the door.
clia Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What exactly are the pros to your relationship? It sounds absolutely miserable to me. 1
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