vanhalenfan Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) My STBXH are separated and are in the beginnings of heading to the final divorce. The only issue we have in taking the plunge is money. I am going to be the one filing/petitioning and I need to come up with roughly $2K-3K. I am saving the money, but things are very tight. The marriage is 100% over. I have discussed with the STBX that it is okay for him to date and that there is no chance of reconciliation at this point. He wasn't completely sold on the idea at first, but it seems he has accepted it. Friends are beginning to ask me why I haven't considered dating yet (we've been separated for about 8 months, but the marriage was so terrible we were basically living separate lives for 2 years beforehand. He finally moved out 8 months ago.) I was just telling a few girlfriends how lonely I am, but wasn't sure if I even wanted to tackle any kind of dating at this time. Now, it's become a popular topic since I confessed my loneliness. Do you consider dating during a separation (or before a D is final) acceptable? Is it 'weird' in the dating world? Would it be difficult to find men to date that will accept this situation? Just curious... I am kind of afraid to step out there, if you can't already tell. Just reading some of these stories here on LS is giving me cold feet I've been involved with my STBX for 11 years (married for 8) and I am only 30 years old. I dated 2 others before him - one was a LT high school boyfriend (3 years) and another was a short-term college boyfriend (8 months?) So...I feel kind of new to the dating world again... Adding in the separation aspect....I just don't know. Edited May 30, 2013 by vanhalenfan
Phantom888 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Wait till the divorce is final. I learned from experience it gets so messy when separated people go into a new relationship, and the STBX starts acting dangerous. They can ruin your new happiness. Also, technically you are still married, so this would not sit well with the family of your new love. Just be patient. 1
carhill Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What I've noticed in my area is that it's common for separated people to date and, generally, that posters here on LS advise women to avoid dating separated men. It appears that the inhibitions regarding dating separated women aren't as strong, and that is reinforced by what I see IRL. Apparently, when women are done with a M, they are done. Men, not so much, or so it seems. So, a mixed bag. My anecdote is that I dated while separated after we had filed for divorce for a month or two, with two different ladies, and it was generally a positive experience. Personal stuff around end of life care for my mother intervened so I quit and haven't gone back to it since our divorce No real reason, just no desire. IMO, I wouldn't date to assuage loneliness. One can socialize with friends and family in those circumstances and become comfortable being alone. That provides a healthier foundation to enter a new dating and relationship experience. Good luck.
happykat Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I think if you are 100% sure that you will never reconcile, and you are a mature person that feels ready to date, then there is no reason to wait. I am separated (been so for 1.5 years), and I date. I did wait until about 6 months after we were physically separated though- I just knew I wasn't mentally ready. I think there are a lot of people that just cannot afford to file the papers (that's my situation right now). If money is the only thing stopping the legal divorce, it is silly to wait for love.
carhill Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Reading the background thread on your divorce situation, I'd suggest waiting until the process is actually started to consider dating, since 'getting it done' and the costs involved, in your circumstances, can be distracting. Additionally, with two children, you have other priorities to consider. Balance is healthy and having a social life helps during very difficult times like divorce, which evokes strong emotions even under the best and most amicable of circumstances. One step at a time.
sillyanswer Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Do you consider dating during a separation (or before a D is final) acceptable? Is it 'weird' in the dating world? Would it be difficult to find men to date that will accept this situation? I think it's acceptable in situations like what you've described. Some people clearly won't. I think you should explain the situation to your potential dating partners so that they can make an informed choice.
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