prettycutesoul Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hi everyone, some of you helped me out in the breakup thread. Long story short. Was with my bf for 8 years, he didn't treat me that great, as in it's all on his terms, he doesn't buy me stuff (not even a piece of chocolate), he wasn't there for me when I really needed him etc. So I broke up with him a few weeks ago and went cold turkey. However, according to him, he assessed everything and is very sorry. So now he is trying his best to see me every weekend and will dedicate Fri-Sun for me. He got my dinner for the first time in 8 years yesterday night. And he tells me over and over he loves me and he's sorry for taking me for granted. I am supposed to see him this weekend but something came up and for the first time he felt how I felt (all those times I wanted to go over but he didn't want me to, etc) And he even called me today and yesterday when I said i wasn't feeling too great. It's a complete 180!!!! And I know he does love me he's just the worst person on the planet to show it the way a GF wants love to be shown. It's just for once I want control over this relationship cause he drove it for 8 years, down to when we see each other. I am caving to giving him another chance, but I want this new guy to stay. I like being treated like a real gf who is loved- i don't want him to revert back to the guy who took me for granted again. Although now it'd be easier for me to walk away if he does revert back. What should I do?
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hi everyone, some of you helped me out in the breakup thread. Long story short. Was with my bf for 8 years, he didn't treat me that great, as in it's all on his terms, he doesn't buy me stuff (not even a piece of chocolate), he wasn't there for me when I really needed him etc. So I broke up with him a few weeks ago and went cold turkey. However, according to him, he assessed everything and is very sorry. So now he is trying his best to see me every weekend and will dedicate Fri-Sun for me. He got my dinner for the first time in 8 years yesterday night. And he tells me over and over he loves me and he's sorry for taking me for granted. I am supposed to see him this weekend but something came up and for the first time he felt how I felt (all those times I wanted to go over but he didn't want me to, etc) And he even called me today and yesterday when I said i wasn't feeling too great. It's a complete 180!!!! And I know he does love me he's just the worst person on the planet to show it the way a GF wants love to be shown. It's just for once I want control over this relationship cause he drove it for 8 years, down to when we see each other. I am caving to giving him another chance, but I want this new guy to stay. I like being treated like a real gf who is loved- i don't want him to revert back to the guy who took me for granted again. Although now it'd be easier for me to walk away if he does revert back. What should I do? The way I read this...and forgive me if I am wrong...is that he is a decent guy that really loves you, but the relationship settled into a hum-drum status.... Well....Let me tell you something...ALL relationships will lose the "fire" over time...And many guys dont really have the recognition that a woman needs to be craved constantly and doted upon..Doesnt make them bad guys-its just the way it is..8 years is a good, long time.. My point is give the guy another shot...Tell him of your concerns and try not to be so needy..Its not about which one is "controlling" the relationship..It should be a give n take..These things can be easily worked out, IMO... .02 TFY 1
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What do you really want? Do you want this to work? If so... You keep making him do the work. Maintain a little space. Have your life, but allow him to share it. Make him initiate contact. Allow him to plan what you're doing. It will help him feel a little in control, if you will, while making him wonder why you're not initiating with him and doing the work for him. Keeps him on his toes. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. If you believe him. Tread carefully. P.S. It's so nice to see you again!! 1
Author prettycutesoul Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 The way I read this...and forgive me if I am wrong...is that he is a decent guy that really loves you, but the relationship settled into a hum-drum status.... Well....Let me tell you something...ALL relationships will lose the "fire" over time...And many guys dont really have the recognition that a woman needs to be craved constantly and doted upon..Doesnt make them bad guys-its just the way it is..8 years is a good, long time.. My point is give the guy another shot...Tell him of your concerns and try not to be so needy..Its not about which one is "controlling" the relationship..It should be a give n take..These things can be easily worked out, IMO... .02 TFY I guess he is a decent guy. I just feel really neglected and completely taken for granted for the last 8 years. it was great for the first year, and yeah I guess it went hum drum after that. After a while it became a routine and this year I just want to be treated like a princess just a little. I mean, I am REALLY needy I get this, i need to tone it down, yeah. This time I will be more vocal without starting fights, i DO want this to work, i just don't want to be the Only one working on it y'know. I think I've been carrying the relationship for too long - Bf only figured this out after I broke up with him for good (and not the foo foo breakup I've been doing in the last 8 yrs haha) Thanks a bunch, I think I'll give it a go. What do you really want? Do you want this to work? If so... You keep making him do the work. Maintain a little space. Have your life, but allow him to share it. Make him initiate contact. Allow him to plan what you're doing. It will help him feel a little in control, if you will, while making him wonder why you're not initiating with him and doing the work for him. Keeps him on his toes. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. If you believe him. Tread carefully. P.S. It's so nice to see you again!! Oh Aisuru, you are such a darling! You really helped me through going through the breakup. Broke up with him. haven't spoken to him till this week. Because he FINALLY did something slightly romantic and that's coming to my apartment and being sweet and beg for forgiveness haha. I dunno, this breakup gave me a bit of a skip in my step. It felt likeI wasn't a doormat and I shouldn't be taken for granted. I want it to work out, and yes I will tread VERY carefully, I realize if I could have the strength and courage to leave an 8 year relationship, I can do it again if the bf tries anything funny again- or tries anything that makes me feel neglected and like crap again. Keeping this second chance at arms length, lets see how far he goes or how much he loves me to keep me. I am a catch damnit (well not really but I like to think so. Hahahah). I mean I keep myself awake for him until 6am when he sleeps late so I can wake him up to go to work. I mean that's sweet isn't it?!?!? Haha anyways I think he finally came to his senses a little and tried a little. it's a bout time Mr.Man worked hard for this relationship as I have. But yes! For some reason I feel great either ways. And yes so lovely seeing you again too! Thanks to some of the stuff you said, I feel good with or without a guy. Like I said, got a skip in my step either way haha.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I guess he is a decent guy. I just feel really neglected and completely taken for granted for the last 8 years. it was great for the first year, and yeah I guess it went hum drum after that. After a while it became a routine and this year I just want to be treated like a princess just a little. I mean, I am REALLY needy I get this, i need to tone it down, yeah. This time I will be more vocal without starting fights, i DO want this to work, i just don't want to be the Only one working on it y'know. I think I've been carrying the relationship for too long - Bf only figured this out after I broke up with him for good (and not the foo foo breakup I've been doing in the last 8 yrs haha) Thanks a bunch, I think I'll give it a go. Oh Aisuru, you are such a darling! You really helped me through going through the breakup. Broke up with him. haven't spoken to him till this week. Because he FINALLY did something slightly romantic and that's coming to my apartment and being sweet and beg for forgiveness haha. I dunno, this breakup gave me a bit of a skip in my step. It felt likeI wasn't a doormat and I shouldn't be taken for granted. I want it to work out, and yes I will tread VERY carefully, I realize if I could have the strength and courage to leave an 8 year relationship, I can do it again if the bf tries anything funny again- or tries anything that makes me feel neglected and like crap again. Keeping this second chance at arms length, lets see how far he goes or how much he loves me to keep me. I am a catch damnit (well not really but I like to think so. Hahahah). I mean I keep myself awake for him until 6am when he sleeps late so I can wake him up to go to work. I mean that's sweet isn't it?!?!? Haha anyways I think he finally came to his senses a little and tried a little. it's a bout time Mr.Man worked hard for this relationship as I have. But yes! For some reason I feel great either ways. And yes so lovely seeing you again too! Thanks to some of the stuff you said, I feel good with or without a guy. Like I said, got a skip in my step either way haha. Good.... But dont get smug.. Just dont use this as a whipping tool against him...Make your point known and work on it together,,, Because if you do use it as a whipping tool, he might turn the tables on you and decide you are emasculating him and leave the relationship. I know I would if I was him.... TFY
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Oh Aisuru, you are such a darling! You really helped me through going through the breakup. Broke up with him. haven't spoken to him till this week. Because he FINALLY did something slightly romantic and that's coming to my apartment and being sweet and beg for forgiveness haha. I dunno, this breakup gave me a bit of a skip in my step. It felt likeI wasn't a doormat and I shouldn't be taken for granted. I want it to work out, and yes I will tread VERY carefully, I realize if I could have the strength and courage to leave an 8 year relationship, I can do it again if the bf tries anything funny again- or tries anything that makes me feel neglected and like crap again. Keeping this second chance at arms length, lets see how far he goes or how much he loves me to keep me. I am a catch damnit (well not really but I like to think so. Hahahah). I mean I keep myself awake for him until 6am when he sleeps late so I can wake him up to go to work. I mean that's sweet isn't it?!?!? Haha anyways I think he finally came to his senses a little and tried a little. it's a bout time Mr.Man worked hard for this relationship as I have. But yes! For some reason I feel great either ways. And yes so lovely seeing you again too! Thanks to some of the stuff you said, I feel good with or without a guy. Like I said, got a skip in my step either way haha. Girl, even if you have to make up something, you are sometimes busy. "I have errands to run." Then you go to the public library. Or go get your nails done. Add some mystery. Men love the chase. You haven't allowed him space to chase you. It doesn't mean you play games or are a total bitch. It just means you figure out the balance of having a life and having him in your life. YOU CANNOT LET THAT GO. You must find things to do that are for you. YOU MUST. Ohhh, and honest conversations without being needy. You both must have your needs met in this relationship. Both of you. Wants are good too, but needs are most important. If you do not know your needs from a relationship. Write them down. There should not be too many. But they are deal breakers. For him as well. You don't necessarily discuss this. You just have to identify them and look for them. If he cannot naturally provide you with this, then you have to look within yourself and possibly make a tough decision. Take your time. I wouldn't actually recommend spending the entire weekend together during these early weeks of reconciliation. Even if you sit at home ALONE (gasp!), you need to maintain some balance, take care of you, and create a sense of mystery. If nothing else, it still provides you with quiet time that you need, even if in a relationship. Ya know?
Author prettycutesoul Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Good.... But dont get smug.. Just dont use this as a whipping tool against him...Make your point known and work on it together,,, Because if you do use it as a whipping tool, he might turn the tables on you and decide you are emasculating him and leave the relationship. I know I would if I was him.... TFY Ugh I wish I could use this as a whipping tool, he's such an alpha male he doesn't believe in whipped. I've just been really really jaded in this relationship which btw I worked REALLY hard to maintain for 8 years. the only reason we were together for that long is because I kept it together. He didn't try, and I keep forgiving him. Oh god if you see my posts a good month ago I have been really torn with myself and how much I hated myself for it. I am feeling much better because after the breakup I felt ok, I felt like myself again. My mistake in the relationship was letting it consume me, and letting him take all the shots until the relationship beat me down into a pile of nothing. I am totally fine if he breaks up with me, I am seriously very jaded. The only reason I am letting him back in is because he is trying and I appreciate that. I appreciate he is trying. Something he never did when we were in a relationship. He never appreciated anything I did for the last 8 years. After the breakup he thought about it for 2 weeks. He wrote this whole essay about how sorry he was and finally said "thank you, i appreciate you" and listed down the things he SHOULD'VE said thank you and appreciated within those 8 yrs that he didn't. It went on for pages. He only figured it out after the breakup. And after talking to people and reading his letters about how good I am to him etc... I am a little smug cause I realized everything I did was unconditional. After being neglected and taken for granted for 8 yrs and realizing you hit your breaking point in year 8.... It takes a toll on you. I got a bit more stronger. I am sorry if I come off mean or smug, I really am not in real life. I am just happy cause FINALLY!!!! He realized I was good to him. Finally I can have a say in the relationship. Finally I can stop working hard and only work 50% as much cause now he will work the other 50% to keep this relationship going. And if he can't do it, then it's fine I'll say thank you and move along. I can't do another 8 yrs of trying to work a relationship by myself.
aisuru Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Good.... But dont get smug.. Just dont use this as a whipping tool against him...Make your point known and work on it together,,, Because if you do use it as a whipping tool, he might turn the tables on you and decide you are emasculating him and leave the relationship. I know I would if I was him.... TFY Meh, perhaps he felt emasculated before and her pulling back has allowed him to step into a more confident masculine role where he feels like he's taking care of her and driving some of this. Just a thought.
Author prettycutesoul Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Girl, even if you have to make up something, you are sometimes busy. "I have errands to run." Then you go to the public library. Or go get your nails done. Add some mystery. Men love the chase. You haven't allowed him space to chase you. It doesn't mean you play games or are a total bitch. It just means you figure out the balance of having a life and having him in your life. YOU CANNOT LET THAT GO. You must find things to do that are for you. YOU MUST. Ohhh, and honest conversations without being needy. You both must have your needs met in this relationship. Both of you. Wants are good too, but needs are most important. If you do not know your needs from a relationship. Write them down. There should not be too many. But they are deal breakers. For him as well. You don't necessarily discuss this. You just have to identify them and look for them. If he cannot naturally provide you with this, then you have to look within yourself and possibly make a tough decision. Take your time. I wouldn't actually recommend spending the entire weekend together during these early weeks of reconciliation. Even if you sit at home ALONE (gasp!), you need to maintain some balance, take care of you, and create a sense of mystery. If nothing else, it still provides you with quiet time that you need, even if in a relationship. Ya know? Omg, I have been in a relationship far too long to remember what a chase is. What is that? How do we do that? I know it keeps the relationship fresh. I was a doormat to this guy and was on his beck and call all the time. Prob why the relationship went stale. I kinda wanna clean slate it!!! I feel like a new relationship if this is to work. I need to google how to keep relationships fresh. hahaha yeah I think I'll stay home alone this week The BALANCE is my problem in a relationship I let it consume me, and like suffocate both me and him bleh. But the last few weeks of being alone didn't feel so bad. Lost some weight cause I ate better, went shopping... Look brighter haha. I'll see where this goes.....I'll give him his space, I have mine. I mean it's a start if he wants to make it work and this time doing some things I like right? He could've just walked away and said "WOW, totally not worth it. TOo much work. Goodbye!" But no, he took a few weeks wrote down his thoughts, sent it to me, and came by my apt and wants to try again. I appreciate that, makes me feel wanted (for once in a long time). But eee i am kinda excited doing this whole chase/mysterious thing to rekindle a relationship. I just dunno how to do it. hahaha 1
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