Wife wants legal separation

[onthebrink84]

I am in a major predicament and am looking for advice.

 

I got married young - me 25, my wife 26. I ignored some major insecurities in my wife thinking maturity would set in and love would conquer all. Anyway, we've been married a little over 2 years and there have been problems from the start (I won't get into them but I'd say there is fault on both sides, however from her POV I have been alone in "destroying our marriage").

 

Anyway, at this point she has been staying outside the house for about 6 weeks. She has told me she would like me to find another place to stay, and would like a legal separation from me, but she still maintains that she is not ready for divorce and would like to work on things slowly. We live in a co-op that she owned prior to dating me, and she comes from money - I had little to nothing when we started out.

 

Many of the arguments that seemed to drive the relationship over the edge had to do with money. She threatened divorce over other things, I threatened that I would make that difficult on her and she ought to reconsider. That has seemed to rattle her very deeply - she has plans to open her own business and I know she fears for her financial future if we divorce. I've told her that I would sign a post-nuptial agreement that would grant me enough of our savings to make a fresh start and allow her to have the house, our pet and keep the rest of her savings (we haven't acquired much since being married, in debt or possessions). However, she is insisting on a legal separation and is basically giving me an ultimatum - if I agree, she'll continue to work on our marriage (but says I may need to live elsewhere for up to a year), if I don't agree, she will file for divorce. She claims the legal separation will allow her to change the locks on our home while I live elsewhere, and that is why it's need as opposed to just the post-nuptial agreement about assets. Her parents have a lot of money and I suspect she is doing this on their advice.

 

So the question is, what do I do? I really love her more than anything in this world and would like to make it work, but I'm increasingly feeling like she is intentionally keeping me hopeful about the prospect of reconciliation so that she can get what she want and make a clean break without risking me going after her assets or going through a lengthy legal process.

 

I don't know much about divorce other than watching my parents go through it (my mother once, father twice), and I don't know what my rights will be if and when we get there. My instinct is that if she won't compromise and agree to the post-nuptial agreement, then she has ulterior motives at work and I shouldn't be a sucker and sign anything that guarantees her an easy ride.

 

I need some support here from people that know something about divorce. If it comes to it, what can I expect? Is it reasonable for me to question why she is so insistent upon a legal separation, and whether she is truly committed to working on the marriage? Would it be worth it for me financially to go through a lengthy legal process and try to get as much as I can out of our assets?

[carhill]

YMMV dependent upon jurisdiction but, here in California, a legal separation is essentially a divorce, with the majority of marital issues settled, with examples being what you've posted, and the main difference is that the parties cannot legally remarry because they are not divorced. So, if your jurisdiction is similar, consider legal separation to be like a divorce except you can't remarry legally.

 

Unless you can prove co-mingling, or other compelling 'reasons' to the court regarding her separate asset of the co-op, that asset may be untouchable. In our case, I had owned our home for about twelve years before getting married and my exW decided the forensics costs weren't worth the equity to pursue and we were married for ten years.

 

Here's a simple way to look at it. Anything beyond total amicable and agreeable is going to be expensive and involve lawyers, whether it be a legal separation or divorce. Your wife has deep pockets. If the marriage can't be saved, then I'd suggest getting out of it with as little emotional and financial damage as possible and rebuild. You're young. Lots of life and opportunities ahead. Trying to squeeze a cash cow now might seem like a good strategy and I wish you well if you try. I'll just say that people with money didn't get that way by being dumb. Usually they're pretty smart. That sword can cut two ways, to help or to hurt. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've told her that I would sign a post-nuptial agreement that would grant me enough of our savings to make a fresh start and allow her to have the house, our pet and keep the rest of her savings (we haven't acquired much since being married, in debt or possessions).

Why do you feel you're entitled to some of the cash she brought into the marriage? This isn't Wheel of Fortune and divorce doesn't normally come with parting gifts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aisuru]

Honestly? Your post makes it sounds like you are holding the assets she brought to the marriage over her head.

 

Of course she's looking to protect herself. Of course her parents are telling her to protect herself. Hell, you're living in the co-op (I'm guessing you live in NYC?) she owned BEFORE she married you. How nice of her to move out during your separation.

 

You shouldn't profit off having married/divorced, particularly in a short period of time.

 

Sounds like you want a payoff. If you want a payoff, just ask her for one.

 

If this is the case, you sound like an *******. I'm not even sorry for saying so. This post is all about her money and assets. What money and assets did you bring to the marriage?

[Oberfeldwebel]

OTB84, I think for people to effectively answer your question, we would have to know the rest of the story. If you two were in love and the only issue was money, then you wouldn't be here, as the money would not matter. If there are problems with the relationship and she does not feel that you are a good long term investment, then she understandably wants to protect her financial assets.

 

If all she wants is a legal separation to gain control and keep you as a Plan B while she looks for a replacement, then why waste your time. I don't see a great financial gain to you, so a long drawn out divorce will not give you anything but pain.

 

A separation can be an effective tool if used correctly. Don't confuse this with the legal separation that she is proposing. A legal separation is just that, it defines legal positions of each party. The separation that I would propose would be for the purpose of healing the marriage. It would be for a specified period of time, say 90 day for example. The separation would set the first 30 days of no contact what so ever to allow both parties to gain perspective. This time can also include individual counselling. The next 30 days would include counselling and fun date outings, but no sex. The last 30 days would add sex back into the mix, while continuing the dates and counselling. At the end of this period a plan should be in place for co-habitation. The time period can be set as you feel that you need to accomplish the purpose.

 

You moving out of the house without a plan to heal the marriage is a waste of time. You may as well just dissolve the relationship and get on with your lives. Since I am not privy to the issues, other than money, I can't tell you the likelihood of it being successful. The money can be fixed in a variety of ways, particularly if this is about her future worth and not her current worth. However, I would suggest that if if that is the case that out completely separate finances and she not gain from your achievements anymore than you gain from her inheritance.

 

Bottom line is you two need to sit down and have a very frank discussion that has nothing to do with money and decide if you want a long term relationship. Then you need to come up with a plan to fix the relationship or cut your losses.

[onthebrink84]

I'm not trying to take her money or anything that she brought into the marriage. I don't know how this works - whether the courts would look into the home as joint property, or take into account that she owned it prior to dating me.

 

Because her manner has turned so business-like, I'm trying to get some advice on to what degree I should do the same. I want to give in to her demands because I want to continue working on the marriage, but as I said before, I don't want to get taken advantage of.

 

The last thing I'm trying to do is be unfair. I just want to be treated with fairness as well, and was looking for some advice on how to proceed. Thanks to those who were polite and straightforward and understood that, rather than just accuse me of being a money grubber.

[SoleMate]

Sad situation.

 

I'm not trying to take her money or anything that she brought into the marriage. I don't know how this works - whether the courts would look into the home as joint property, or take into account that she owned it prior to dating me.

Even in a community property state, assets owned prior to marriage remain the sole property of the owner UNLESS a specified event happens to transmute the property and that can be proved. Assuming there was never a document signed transmuting the co-op into a community asset, then your only hope of claiming an ownership share would be if you contributed to its upkeep using separate or community funds. For a 2 year marriage, I doubt there is much of a $$$ payback for you there. Being married to someone does not turn their property into yours. So no.

 

...we've been married a little over 2 years and there have been problems from the start (I won't get into them but I'd say there is fault on both sides, however from her POV I have been alone in "destroying our marriage").

This is an advice forum and you're looking for help to save your marriage, so I'm afraid you will have to get into the marital issues both from your POV and hers. I hope it's clear why you must do that.

 

So the question is, what do I do? I really love her more than anything in this world and would like to make it work, but I'm increasingly feeling like she is intentionally keeping me hopeful about the prospect of reconciliation so that she can get what she want and make a clean break without risking me going after her assets or going through a lengthy legal process.

That is quite possible.

 

I don't know much about divorce....My instinct is that....I shouldn't be a sucker and sign anything that guarantees her an easy ride.

If divorce is or becomes inevitable, it is highly advised that both parties cooperate and work out an agreement rather than fight it to the death. You'd lose any war of attrition.

 

Is it reasonable for me to question why she is so insistent upon a legal separation, and whether she is truly committed to working on the marriage?

It's a fair question for each of you to question the other's motives at this point.

 

Would it be worth it for me financially to go through a lengthy legal process and try to get as much as I can out of our assets?

After a 2 year, consistently troubled marriage with no kids? I would say No even before throwing in the factor that she has the deep pocket backers and the savvy advisers to protect her interests. You should definitely talk to a lawyer and find out what you're entitled to based on the laws of your state and the facts of your situation. Unless you sacrificed a high-paying career to stay at home taking care of her, or made large capital contributions to upkeep of her assets, I doubt if you have much coming to you. Your lawyer may advise just asking for a reasonably sized payment from her to you as a quick walkaway solution. You can't afford a legal battle and you likely don't have a good case anyway.

 

Back to the historic issues and her feelings about your actions as a husband. That's key here. Your W probably will take less guff in a r/s than many other women but you may have felt you could dish out the guff just like your buddies, married to or partnered with less independent women with fewer resources, feel entitled to do. That was a miscalculation.

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm not trying to take her money or anything that she brought into the marriage. I don't know how this works - whether the courts would look into the home as joint property, or take into account that she owned it prior to dating me.

 

Because her manner has turned so business-like, I'm trying to get some advice on to what degree I should do the same. I want to give in to her demands because I want to continue working on the marriage, but as I said before, I don't want to get taken advantage of.

 

The last thing I'm trying to do is be unfair. I just want to be treated with fairness as well, and was looking for some advice on how to proceed. Thanks to those who were polite and straightforward and understood that, rather than just accuse me of being a money grubber.

 

Brink,

I strongly suggest you make an appointment with a MEDIATOR. Do everything possible to stay out of the courts or dealing with lawyers. Period. Otherwise, it's going to cost BOTH of you a lot of $$$. A mediator can help you guys settle this stuff amicably for next to nothing, comparably speaking.

 

Now, on to the separation. Either she's really wishy-washy or she's just not telling you the truth. A YEAR separation? In my eyes, anyone who wants to really "work" on a marriage does not suggest a long-term separation. How the hell do you work on things like that? I don't get it. Sounds to me she's done, bro.

[onthebrink84]

Ok that was helpful. I really don't want to fight any kind of drawn-out battle in the courts, so that seems to be settled.

 

The issues in our marriage are complicated. There's been no cheating or any cardinal sin like that, but essentially we had different expectations about marriage.

 

My wife is a bit high-maintenance. She grew up a bit spoiled, and her family and friends validate her feelings at every turn (even though they will often acknowledge to me, behind closed doors, that she can be extremely high-strung and difficult to please). She is also very insecure - from the beginning, she had issues with me being friends with girls or even being around them. I can recall an incident at the beginning of our relationship when a female friend of mine posted on my Facebook wall that she missed me and hoped she'd run into me soon. I was honest that the friend and I had kissed on a couple of occasions in the past, but it set off an entire conflict that led to my wife messaging my friend and basically telling her off. She then demanded that I contact anyone I'd had physical contact with over the past couple of years and let them know they should not call or reach out to me in any way.

 

Unfortunately, I failed to really challenge her about that behavior because of my excitement about the new relationship. That led to an incident where I was going to a female friend's birthday party, and passed it off to my (then-fiance) as just a boy's night. It was the wrong decision, but I had no intention to cheat or do anything wrong, and I lied to avoid conflict.

 

After moving in together, there have been near-constant issues about me watching pornography. She told me it hurt her body image and she felt that I was choosing masturbation over sex with her (we were still having sex 4-5 days per week at this point). I thought it was a little over the top, but I did stop my porn habit for the sake of the marriage.

 

However, more snooping on her part led to accusations about looking at the Facebook profiles of females I had known in the past, and even more conflict over an online chat I had with an ex, where she seized on a comment I made about marriage being "hard work".

 

In my opinion, she has made very little attempt to try to work through these things, and constantly holds them over my head to get her way in our marriage. I have been guilty of being frustrated, losing my temper and saying some hurtful things about her background and how it's informed her expectations. I take responsiblity for that, as well as the fact that I did not grow up with the kind of emotional intimacy she has come to expect. I've been seeing a therapist in hopes of improving in this area.

 

Essentially, however, she has cast me as emotionally incapable, untrustable and inconsiderate of her needs. She acknowledges some insecurity, but essentially blames the majority of it on me and my behavior. I relocated for our marriage (we lived an hour apart when we dated and through most of our engagement) and have had a rough year adjusting to the social isolation - a job that assigned me to work at home didn't help.

 

All along, I thought we were going through the bumps and bruises of a new marriage, of living together and getting used to one another. Then one night she refuses to tell me how much is in her personal savings account, I get hurt and we start arguing, and a week later she tells me she is sub-letting a place in Manhattan to get some personal space. A month is now about 7 weeks, and divorce seems to be seriously on the table.

[GuyInLimbo]

With the exception of the high-maintenance and growing up spoiled, your wife sounds like a carbon copy of mine. (Although, I'd pay to have sex 4-5 a MONTH at this point. Just not with her anymore)

[Mr. Lucky]

The issues in our marriage are complicated. There's been no cheating or any cardinal sin like that, but essentially we had different expectations about marriage.

Based on what you've posted, you wife might be right - you probably are better off divorced. She sounds like a handful given her feelings of marital entitlement...

 

Mr. Lucky