AdriftAtSea Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I don't know if this is the right place for this, but my boyfriend and I have been in a Long Distance relationship for a year now. We are both 23 and I will be moving in with him in a month. Previously when we lived close to each other we were in a relationship for two years and good friends for about five years. He is my first boyfriend and he had to move for a job across the country, which is how our LD relationship started. I visited him for 3 months over the summer and things seemed to go fine. After 3 months I had to return home for college but I knew we'd see each other at x-mas. And this is when the trouble started. I left at the end of August and the first two months went good. We chatted regularly and our relationship remained in good health. Then November came and I noticed we started fighting a lot, at least twice a week. It always was over small things or disagreements. He'd always be the one to get mad and we'd always end it with me being the one to apologize and feel bad. As an example, I draw for a hobby and he told me how sick he was with how "complacent" I was with my style. Art style doesn't change over night, but he'd keep bring this fact up and complaining about it or arguing with me about it. Not even really giving me a chance to change it. I thought he was just frustrated from his new job, but towards the end of the month I noticed he was becoming very distant towards me. By this time I felt horrible because it seemed like all we did was fight even when I tried not to. In December he’d finally confront me about something. He mentioned he has had a crush on a friend since October who lives a state away and that it had been very painful for him because he still loved me. He told me about how this girl apparently kept “tempting” him even if she was in a relationship herself. He mentioned how he knew a relationship with her would never last. He also mentioned to me that he had “strongly” considered a sexual offer of hers. It broke my heart to hear all this, but he said he knew what he had to do. He knew he had to cut contact with her. So I thought he did. Over x-mas he visited for a week, and we got along very well and enjoyed each other’s company. I was still heart broken about the fact he wanted to cheat on me, but I tried to ignore it until it got to a point where I knew I had to confront him again. So I did. I asked him about the “issue” he was having and during this talk he mentioned that his feelings towards this person were purely sexual. He also mentioned that at the end of November he was planning on using this vacation time to break up with me, but he didn’t. I asked him what changed his mind and he mentioned that this other girl started displaying undesirable characteristics and woke him from his “trance”. He also mentioned a small thing about how breaking up with someone just to sleep with someone else is no worse than cheating, which I agreed with but I still don’t know why he’d bring that up. After this I felt very much like I was only 2nd in his heart in some ways, but I’ve never confronted him about these feelings. I noticed that he still looked at her FB, tweeted to her, and even texted her in front me. I was mad, but he said that he still needed to talk to her about things and said you don’t stop being friends with someone over night. He left for his home, we were still together and we continued our plans with me moving in July. So we went into January and he is still tweeting her, he said he needed “closure” or to find out how she felt about him. I didn’t ask why he needed that so badly but I respected his wishes. He later told me that she saw him as just a friend and asked me to bury this hatchet. I tried, but I didn’t like him talking to her especially after he seemed like he was going to cut contact with her. I brought this up, and I had to be the one to ask him to. It never really happened; I still see tweets between them sometimes. They are always harmless but it still bugs me because he said he would do something but didn’t. Now as I was healing from this, I felt the need to talk about what happened sometimes. He said talking about what happened always bothered him, because it keeps reminding him how he almost messed up. Details he would give me would change, and he once told me it only happened cause they both worked the night shift and he was very lonely. He’d be alone at night and in his thoughts where he would find problems with our relationship and focus on them. I can understand that, but I just still feel mad he never talked to me about it when it started. I can’t help but feel had he confronted me sooner about our problems in our relationship (I wasn’t never aware anything was wrong) this whole thing could have been avoided. Currently things on his side seem peachy and it really seems like he loves me a lot. I know I love him a lot too, but for me, I think I might still be healing. I feel down sometimes and I keep looking back at what happened. He says it bothers him when I talk about this whole ordeal, so I try not to. It upsets him. In the last few months he has brought up marriage, children, and told me how I mean everything to him…That I am his most important person. Though I was extremely happy to hear all this, and thought the same of him, I couldn’t help but feel skeptical. I keep thinking about how before he left for his new job he told me that I was the “best thing to ever happen to him”… and I can’t help but feel if that were true then he wouldn’t have tried to sacrifice our love and friendship for some other woman. I have a hard time believing his kind words and it bugs me. So, I believe I might be having a difficult time moving on from all this and letting go. I don't know if this is normal. I really do love this man and want I life with him, I just find myself wondering how he feels about me. I don't know if I am wrong to still feel this way.
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 So, I believe I might be having a difficult time moving on from all this and letting go. I don't know if this is normal. I really do love this man and want I life with him, I just find myself wondering how he feels about me. I don't know if I am wrong to still feel this way. Your reaction and feelings are perfectly normal. He's hasn't been behaving like a guy that's fully committed to his girl and for some reason he thinks you should be okay with that, and (rightfully so) you're not. He doesn't want to talk about it because the subject is too close to comfort. So far, he's managed to keep you pretty much in the dark and as long as he brands the subject as verboten he'll be able to continue. If he hasn't already, I'm willing to bet that if you press the issue he'll come back lamenting how "you obviously don't trust him" or you wouldn't ask. Think about it for a minute... If he was honestly, sincerely devoted to you he'd do whatever it takes to reassure you all is well. But he's not doing that -- he just avoids the subject whenever possible which means he basically dismisses *you* and your concern. Is that how you think you should or want to be treated? Gosh, I hope not. Hard to tell from what you posted, but it's possible the problem developed because you were too trusting and were willing to turn a blind eye to his disrespectful behavior toward you. IOW, he was testing you to see where the boundaries were and what you were willing to tolerate. Since you didn't push back for 99% of what went on, he pretty much just did as he pleased and in the process not only took you for granted but also lost whatever respect he had for you and your feelings. I dunno. If I were in your shoes and my b/f told me he had the hots for some other girl and the fact he was already in a relationship with me was cramping his style, he'd be staring at nothing but my tailights in about 60 seconds flat. He told you that gem of a revelation seven months ago, and then for good measure threw in the announcement that he'd been planning to break up with you during your holidays spent together. The ONLY reason he didn't wasn't because had come to realize what he'd lose if he lost you... It was because Miss Hotsy-Totsy had "displayed undesirable characteristics!" Say WHAT??!!! C'mon, you can't be that "adrift" not to see how appalling his behavior is toward you. I don't care how often these days he brings up marriage, children, how you mean everything to him, etc., etc. The important thing is AdriftAtSea, not what he says, but how he acts and treats you -- which quite frankly, STINKS. Has it ever occurred to you that he knows saying "what you want to hear" gets him whatever he wants? My guess is that he's pouring it on thick lately as a form of insurance that you'll move in with him next month. If you move in, he'll not need to worry about about "being tempted" by other girls' sexual advances -- he'll have access to you 24/7 to fulfill those needs. But, TBH I wouldn't be surprised if *he still won't try* to have a little something else on the side if he thinks he can get away with it. I could be all wrong but sorry AdriftAtSea, this guy just doesn't at all sound like "a keeper" to me. If I were you, I'd give some serious thought about the wisdom of moving in with someone who treats me with so little regard. And, I'd spend *a lot* of time asking myself WHY I don't seem to think I deserve better -- because everyone does, including *you.* HTH, TMichaels
Author AdriftAtSea Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 If he hasn't already, I'm willing to bet that if you press the issue he'll come back lamenting how "you obviously don't trust him" or you wouldn't ask. The last time I confronted him about why he chooses to keep in contact with her he did this. It was a over a small conversation and he said she contacted him not the other way around. But I've seen him contact or reply to her about small things. I may have sounded a bit ticked but I just honestly wanted to know why he chooses to do that. I have found him tricky to lately and I am beginning to think he might be a little bit manipulative. Somehow things always end up being my problem. Not his. If you move in, he'll not need to worry about about "being tempted" by other girls' sexual advances -- he'll have access to you 24/7 to fulfill those needs. He said something similar to this to me back in December. That hopefully with me there he wouldn't be "tempted" anymore. I don't like being treated like this, and I know I deserve better but I also told myself he needed a second chance. He's been in my life for a long time and I love him a lot. I wish I knew how to talk to him and make him see that what happened wasn't okay. I try and he always dismisses it. The last time I tried to have a heart to heart talk he told me that I can only change how I feel by myself, and that nothing he can say will change it. Not that he has actually tried to say anything to make me feel better or reassure me. I know I really need to talk to him about these feelings, but I have no idea what to say.
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 ... I am beginning to think he might be a little bit manipulative. Somehow things always end up being my problem. Well, of course. That way he doesn't have to *do* anything including accepting any responsibility to fix it. The last time I confronted him about why he chooses to keep in contact with her he did this. It was a over a small conversation and he said she contacted him not the other way around. But I've seen him contact or reply to her about small things. I may have sounded a bit ticked but I just honestly wanted to know why he chooses to do that. Why does it sound like you think you need to apologize for wanting to know? And, so what if you "sounded ticked?" I think most people who thought they were in a committed, exclusive relationship would be too. I don't like being treated like this, and I know I deserve better but I also told myself he needed a second chance. He's been in my life for a long time and I love him a lot. "Second chance?' He's picked silly flights with you over inconsequential things, tells you it's your problem not his if you feel the way you do, confessed you're an impediment to him being able to get in the pants of another girl, promised he'd cut contact with her and hasn't, and on and on and on... Math isn't my strong suit , but I'd say he's had a bucketful of "second chances" already AdriftAtSea. In fact you've gone past "Second Chance-land" -- you're now in "Doormat Territory." The guy has been walking all over you and as long as you keep justifying his actions and treatment of you like this, you're essentially asking for more. I know I really need to talk to him about these feelings, but I have no idea what to say. I wouldn't be talkin', AdriftAtSea. I'd be walkin'. Or more accurately, runnin' as fast as I could from this cocky, manipulative, spoiled, immature and insensitive jerk. He's had it too good for too long and taken advantage of your trust and complacency. It's time you lay down the law with him and back it up *with action* as in, be very clear with what your expectations are and the consequences of what will happen if they're not met. Then *you* have to back it up with action of your own, meaning if this guy is unwilling or incapable of cleaning up his act and treating you with the kind of respect and consideration you deserve, you need to move on and find someone else who does. Not easy, I know. But, you have to. How he's treating you is not only disrespectful it's abusive. No one should have to put up with that. And you don't. Best, TMichaels
Treasa Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 He'd always be the one to get mad and we'd always end it with me being the one to apologize and feel bad. As an example, I draw for a hobby and he told me how sick he was with how "complacent" I was with my style. Art style doesn't change over night, but he'd keep bring this fact up and complaining about it or arguing with me about it. Not even really giving me a chance to change it. I would have told him to go pound sand. It's your art. Why should you change it? Who the **** does he think he is? In December he’d finally confront me about something. He mentioned he has had a crush on a friend since October who lives a state away and that it had been very painful for him because he still loved me. He told me about how this girl apparently kept “tempting” him even if she was in a relationship herself. He mentioned how he knew a relationship with her would never last. He also mentioned to me that he had “strongly” considered a sexual offer of hers. It would have probably been over at the complacent drawing part, but I definitely would have shown him the door at this. He also mentioned that at the end of November he was planning on using this vacation time to break up with me, but he didn’t. I asked him what changed his mind and he mentioned that this other girl started displaying undesirable characteristics and woke him from his “trance”. Oh, how thoughtful of him! No, really, at this point, no one would have been able to find his body. I noticed that he still looked at her FB, tweeted to her, and even texted her in front me. I was mad, but he said that he still needed to talk to her about things and said you don’t stop being friends with someone over night. Yeah. Yeah, you do, when that "friend" is a cheater who is trying to get you to also cheat, and when your "friendship" with that person is making your SO feel lousy for good reason. I almost want to ask for his number so that I can tell him what I think of him. I really hope you've cancelled your plans for moving there, and told him to **** off. Stupid prick. As if there aren't 3 billion other men in the world who wouldn't be ten times better to you.
justwhoiam Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I think your doubts are legit. He did not break up with you *NOT* because he got over her, in fact they're still talking. He didn't do it because she has a boyfriend, and it was going to be sex only. So in his mind, it wouldn't have made sense to lose you for some sex with someone else. Surely he's not seeing her as girlfriend material, because: 1) she's ready to have sex with someone who's not her boyfriend, behind her boyfriend's back 2) she flirts (if not sexts) with guys online 3) she seems to be a free spirit, and more willing to manipulate than being manipulated You are quite the opposite than this girl. You seem sweet, kind, understanding, and very in love with him, which means you hang on his every word, you think great things of him (or you did think...), etc. She's a challenge for him. You are not. You are taken for granted. Maybe he needs more than a good girl... It's good he told you the truth about what happened to him, he could have kept that for himself, while he decided to share it with you instead. But, but... here comes the problem. Why did he told you? Let's look into the options: 1) he was feeling guilty and by sharing it he was taking that load off his chest/mind/shoulders (you pick one) 2) it was his way to let the girl stay in his life with your acceptance, without hiding feelings he's felt for her 3) to show how committed he is to you ("I had girls coming onto me, but I resisted) 4) in fear you would find out by chance and that would have been worse, so as a sort of prevention measure 5) as (maybe unconscious) warning 6) so that you are aware of the importance of sex (this can lead to several further speculations) 7) there might be other reasons I have my own ideas as to why he did that, though I can't know for sure, I can only assume. Anyway, back to the problem: he's (sexually) attracted to another girl. How can you overcome that? This is about the basics of attraction... A boyfriend is not supposed to be with his girlfriend while suppressing his feelings for another girl. He's supposed to be head over heels in love with his girlfriend. So this is a big red flag for me. If this is the early stage of your relationship, where do you expect it to go from there? Maybe he'll be faithful to you, but chances are he won't over time. November came and I noticed we started fighting a lot, at least twice a week. It always was over small things or disagreements. He'd always be the one to get mad and we'd always end it with me being the one to apologize and feel bad. That cries "doormat available here, walk on me as much as you feel like". Why would you give him such a message, so repeatedly? Not good. He didn't learn to win your love, to keep you happy, to say sorry, to make up for his own mistakes, and most of all, how to be a better boyfriend. What's more, it looks like he can't manage stress very well, and takes his anger out on you. Maybe the distance exacerbates those feelings and living with him will make things better. But it could be quite the opposite too. You'll be always around and will have to deal with his bad moods on a daily basis with no filter and no way out. As an example, I draw for a hobby and he told me how sick he was with how "complacent" I was with my style. Art style doesn't change over night, but he'd keep bring this fact up and complaining about it or arguing with me about it. Not even really giving me a chance to change it. I'm not sure I got this the right way... He's not being supportive with you. He has no manners, he's rude. If you love drawing but the results are not that great, you can learn to refine your skills or find your own unique style by attending some specific course. His comments are only demeaning. Personally, I'd like my boyfriend to be my fan #1, even though I don't expect that to happen... But here, we're on a totally different level. I appreciate being honest and unbiased, but I can accept advice if it's constructive. His was not, just criticizing and not helping. he said that he still needed to talk to her about things and said you don’t stop being friends with someone over night. ... he is still tweeting her, he said he needed “closure” or to find out how she felt about him. I didn’t ask why he needed that so badly but I respected his wishes. He later told me that she saw him as just a friend and asked me to bury this hatchet. This is too easy, isn't it? "Let's pretend you never knew. Let's pretend it never happened." She seems history only because she made it clear he's not special for her! She made him feel like a nobody. That's how he made his decision to stay with you. He's not going to cut contact with her, because she's intoxicating. Because he's strongly attracted to her. I can't tell you what to do. But so far, he didn't really choose you. If you want to make sure he chooses you over any other girl, you need to set the conditions for that to happen. But first you need to ask yourself if he's really worth it. Should you decide he is, then stop behaving like a doormat. Don't nag, don't get mad, don't cry (at least in front of him). Be self-confident and show him you have an interesting life and you can live without him. Improve yourself, your skills. Focus on your future career, and don't neglect your femininity. And have him win you again. If he can't be bothered with that, you'll have the answer on what to do. If he really loves you, he'll go the extra mile for you.
Author AdriftAtSea Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I realized that I wrote most of this looking into the past, and I figured I should update it with more current information as some of the older information doesn't reflect what is currently happening. He stopped being so harsh about my art and is now rather supportive of it. Apparently this change of heart came from a friend of his who is a graphic designer and bright it to light that my boyfriend is actually *not* an expert and has no room to critique art. So he is much more supportive now. I have also been working to explore styles and improve my skill. We don't really fight anymore nor is he distant. That fighting stopped pretty much right after he confessed his crush to me and afterwards he became much kinder towards me…probably from guilt. In the last six months we've maybe actually fought twice. Also, he reveled the reason for telling me was because he felt guilty about hiding it from me and felt I deserved to know. What this actually means, I don't know. Yes, he does still talk to her but I don't know if I can really call it talking. It has decreased as time as gone on and did decrease more after I asked him to stop. From what I can see he tweets her maybe two-three times a month and the conversations appear to be benign. I know he never listened to me and cut contact fully, but maybe I am over reacting. Other information…we have Skype calls nearly everyday which is something we didn't do in the past. Also new is although he works nights, on his days off he now actually tries to stay up with me or change his sleeping hours. I also try to change mine when I can. What we did in the past was merely use chat programs which understandably don't have the effect of seeing someone or hearing someone. We also didn't care to change our sleeping hours to try to spend more time together.
justwhoiam Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 You can't tell how much they keep in touch by the tweets you see online. He's still talking to someone he wants to have sex with. At some point he was rejected and that's when he turned to you. You have known sides of him. You know some signs are there. Keep your eyes open.
Author AdriftAtSea Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 So... I just tried to talk to him again about this whole ordeal that happened with his crush... He wouldn't answer the question I asked and simply told me "Bringing it up constantly doesnt heal, it picks at scabs" and that "Bringing it up means you're holding onto a grudge that you refuse to put down" along with how I needed to stop talking about this, that what's done is done, and that the past is not today...and then he had to go back into work so our conversation couldn't continue. I'm really confused as to why he reacted so badly and simply wouldn't pay attention to the question I asked. I don't have a grudge or anything. All I asked was if he felt had me on the back burner back then. I mean, he did kind of answer it by saying "Kind of? Does it matter? I was more angry cause talking to you made me feel worse"... but I was hoping our conversation would have continued more positively. I guess not.
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 So... I just tried to talk to him again about this whole ordeal that happened with his crush... He wouldn't answer the question I asked and simply told me "Bringing it up constantly doesnt heal, it picks at scabs" and that "Bringing it up means you're holding onto a grudge that you refuse to put down" along with how I needed to stop talking about this, that what's done is done, and that the past is not today... Quite typical. He's bothered if you bring it up. What to do is up to you. I know I would have to talk this through and extensively. Each way you go, there'll be pros and cons. If you find a way to talk things through, provided you explain your motives and needs and that it's not meant to hurt his feelings, he'll most likely make you happy with it, but next time something happens he'll think twice about sharing it with you, mindful of what happened with this old thing. If you decide to drop it, he'll know what he can get away with, with you. I was hoping our conversation would have continued more positively. I guess not. Should you decide to talk things through, be sure you pick the right moment, when he's not in a hurry and has time to express his thoughts. And make sure you explain why you need to know everything in detail, etc. He shouldn't feel threatened.
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