Societal norms

[Athens]

I have been reading through lots of posts and noticed what appears to be a trend. Affairs seem so accepted. The idea that people can not control themselves and are not responsible for their behaviors seems to be a norm. I am not talking about forgiveness by a BS and reconciliation, I mean the idea there is nothing to forgive in the first place. For instance, I was recently given an infraction for telling a WS I thought his actions were cowardly, he seems to on the surface accept the blame, but reported me to the moderators. In the same thread there was much talk and high fiving of "happy endings", so it's OK as a society to applaud infidelity, but not OK to call it cowardly. I am not arguing that LS does not have the right to moderate and set rules, I just find it interesting on what's acceptable and whats not...not only on here but IRL.

 

Your thoughts?

[Eggplant]

LS, in particular the Other forum and Infidelity forum are not a representative sample of society at large. They are heavily populated by people who have been unfaithful, and who are emotionally invested in down-playing the negative effects of affairs.

 

Also, people don't express their disdain in a disrespectful way because it is censored (which is good). So, having nothing nice to say, many people who strongly disapprove of affairs stay away from forums about affairs. --> You can't draw any conclusions about society in general.

Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Furious]

I don't think that cheaters would go to great lengths of keeping their affair secret if cheating was considered to be ok in general society.

 

I've yet to have ever been introduced to a friend or colleagues lover but I sure have been introduced to their spouses. I wonder why, if affairs are so du jour why aren't they being shouted from the rooftops.

[Athens]

Good points, I think what I was driving at was a blameless society, one where we are hestitant to call it as we see it. Where if it feels good and makes you happy, you do it.

[anne1707]

Good points, I think what I was driving at was a blameless society, one where we are hestitant to call it as we see it. Where if it feels good and makes you happy, you do it.

 

I really don't see many posters getting away with it the way your opening posts suggested. I do see posters involved in affairs being called out for their behaviour. I do see posters being told that they are responsible for their actions. I do see posters being told "tough" or words to that effect and that they have to face the consequences.

 

I also see nasty mudslinging and name calling. I see attacks which are not about the post but about the poster. I see anger and bitterness.

 

All this in both forums and from posters on all sides of the triangle. Maybe its because I am in the middle of it all but I really do not see it as just one side attacking the other. I see both sides supporting each other with just an abolsute handful who do what some might call cheerleading or being bitter.

[Act Two]

I disagree that affairs are accepted socially or culturally. If they were, AP would not go to such great lengths to hide them. They are hidden because they are shameful.

 

I do think though there is a trend culturally to not accept responsibility for one's actions. I think that is human nature and I am guilty of this to some extent, but I also think it is a growing trend. As a teacher, I am appalled by parents these days who do not let their children accept consequences for bad behavior such as plagiarism, academic cheating, etc. Rather than working with the teacher to instruct the child, parents immediately jump to the defense of their child and blame everyone but their precious angel for the infraction. It is really sickening. So in terms of a society that accepts responsibility, I don't see that getting any better.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I suppose in some circles they are more "accepted" than in the past, but unfortunately affairs have existed and been an issue since the beginning of time. The biggest difference is in the treatment of the individuals involved. Although we have evolved as a society, women are still perceived (to a great degree) as the seductress and many times the ones "burned at the stake" even though not in a literal sense. It has always been sort of "accepted" that men will have affairs - it seems expected in a way. Look at the example in the bible of the woman caught in adultery - in the very act! I always wondered "where was the man? Wasn't he caught in the act too?"

 

I think there is no question that with the technology we have today that we have so much greater access to information (ie Internet, tv, media in general) and many times it is glamorized without showing the effects of these actions on the individuals involved.

 

But in the end, I don't know if it is about really accepting and approving of the actions but rather being kind and compassionate and understanding that people do make mistakes. For instance, I am trying to help a friend who is involved in an affair right now. I think she is surprised that I am not telling her to do what makes her happy and run off with her AP. I'm trying to help her project into the future and explain to her what the possible outcomes will be because I have experienced it. I am not going to beat her up - I love her and I want to help her.

 

If I had not been through my experience I would not have the ability to be able to help her in the way I am right now. Honestly I wish I didn't have my experience to draw on, but I do so I am going to use it to try to give whatever help I can. I can't validate her affair and tell her it's okay at all - but I can love her, cry with her and help her make the right choice.

[waterwoman]

I was very shocked when I came here first to see that so many posters seemed to accept affairs as a fact of life. I was utterly blown away by H's EA - totally poleaxed - I thought that no matter what went on in our marriage, I could trust him 100%/. I was wrong. I found it hard to beleive that so many people had been through the same devestating experience. It turned my perception of him, myself, people in general, the whole world, upside down. I couldn't beleive that anyone thought affairs were just 'one of those things'. LS helped me accept that I was wrong. I don't like the fact that I was wrong, I would rather my naivety was the norm, but hey..... **** happens.

 

LS infidelity and OW/OM forums are not the normal world - like any other single issue site, it's POV tends to be skewed. I used to go to a parenting website for years - go there and you'd beleive that the whole world was obsessed with potty training, school uniform and homework! Thankfully it isn't.

[findingnemo]

I don't know any place I've been where As are accepted. Like Act Two said, people are becoming less responsible on a personal level. They will find every excuse in the book to justify why they are in an A. Take me for example, I justified it (when asked by those who knew) by saying I loved xMM and no one else. No one bought it. The standard answer from my closest friends was "And so?" My friends loved me but they still told me their truth.

 

The same thing happened when a girlfriend of mine had an A. Regardless of the fact that I had once been in one, I refused to accept the whole "I love him and only him" argument. Thankfully she ended it too.

[USMCHokie]

I don't think there is an effective deterrent to or measure of accountability for affairs, which creates a very casual and indifferent attitude towards them.

[Woggle]

It's becoming more and more accepted and seen as normal. I hear some younger people talking and cheating is no big deal at all to them. When they get to marrying age unless things change infidelity will go way up.