Prettyinblack Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 My b/f and I have been going out together for 3 years in December and I think for sure, he is the man for me. He has always told our friends that I am the one for him and WHEN he's ready, the bells will ring. Well, I'm getting a little impatient here! We are middle aged, I am divorced for 14 years and he co-habited with a woman for 8 years but it ended 17 years ago. So now, I have been broaching the subject of us living together...we both own our own homes and he is petrified. I can feel it. The worst of it is this, I sound like I am making an ultimatum to him when I say " I don't want to make a career out of dating you, so what are we doing here?" I know, it sounds like an ultimatum, but it really isn't. I have said to him, "hon, if I'm not part of your long term plans, let me know.... I don't want to date you for 10 years." I have said it all. And it sounds like an ultimatum. I just want that kind of relationship in my life....not so much getting married, but the living together. I love him truly, madly, deeply and I know he loves me too. Last night, HE brought up the subject. He had a million questions about personal space and I respect that because I have lived on my own for 14 years as well, so we were pretty much on the same page about all that. I am soooooo confused and my feelings are a bit hurt. I told him that I haven't had this conversation with ANYONE in 14 years. I don't want to end the relationship....I have found the man for me! But what if he can't move it to the next level? Then what? Any suggestions?
SoleMate Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Have you ever considered being married, but living in separate homes? A few couples do this very successfully...usually those who marry at a later stage in life. But perhaps you want the familiarity of sharing a residence. Well then, how about a test run?
katie79 Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 I had the same problem...my man wouldn't commit. Although our situations are different, the bottom line is he wont go up a notch. I wound up having to give my (now fiance) an ulitmatium. Not at first, but after he bought the ring, he postponed the actual engagement again! That's when I told him! That was never "in my script" either, but it happens. Give him one if you want. I'll tell you one thing...I think when this sort of thing happens, it's not good. It shows lack of closeness and communication bt the couple. At least that's what I realized. Not that it means it's not going to be a lasting marriage, but it's surely something you need to work on. I can also say do it for the sake of not wasting your time anymore. Some of us ladies don't realize how valuable our time really is, and how staying with a man who wont commit (a bad sign) can stunt our growth and chances of meeting another man who will. I am engaged now, but not a day goes by where I wonder if he would have really wanted to do it or would have done it on his own. A depressing thought. Yes, I am in love with him, but, there are times I wonder if there is someone else out there for me who would never have made getting engaged/married to me such a stressful, hurtful, nightmare. When we have to demand marriage, it's not such a terrific sign. The next thing I want to bring to your attention about getting a ring after an ultimatium, is he might do so. Propose, give you a ring, but never set a date or make any moves to show he's serious about planning a wedding or ever marrying you in a timely manner. That happens frequently so I hear. I can tell you one thing, after all this, dating my fiance for 4 years, and putting up with his sh*t, you best believe if he shows any sign of not wanting to seriously marry me, I'd give him his damn ring back and end it forever! You too will reach a point like this b/c at some point you will realize this is the rest of your life. May I also add that the fact that he was NEVER married (co-habiting, not married), may play a big role in his lack of action to ask you to marry him. Majority of most men over 38 who never marry most likely wont. Not to say this is every man, but the chances can be high. He is alien to marriage and you are not. He's used to being single and doing what he wants. If this is the case, walk away anyway, he's lazy and you don't want that for the rest of your life. Communicate to him what you want, a time frame of when you want this to happen by, your emotions on this BIG issue, and see his reaction. Remember, this is your life too and this is what YOU want, if he doesn't want to be a part of it, move on and find a man that will. Hope this helps!
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