pursuitofhappiness24 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 ok this is going to be intense. my boyfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. he wants a real breakup. he said he has commitment issues and doesn't want to always feel the pressure of being in a relationship. why it's all my fault: ok heres the whole story and please don't judge or be mean. when i was 15, there was this guy who kept on asking me to have sex with him . constantly and when i said no he would make fun of me and tell me that i'm just a virgin. and i lied and was like no i'm not to make him mad even though i was. i had a best friend at the time too and she pressured me to do stuff with guys. anyways i stopped talking to this guy. and he started dating someone else. i was a little jealous i admit because in a secret way i liked the attention. well anyways eventually he contacted me randomly and asked me to do it with him and i knew he was still with his gf but i did it anyways. he never talked to me again. i lost my virginity to him at 15 and was never given an explanation why. i know it was wrong to be the other girl but still. it hurt. anyways a few months later i start talking to this other guy i kinda liked in high school. we start hanging out and doing stuff but then out of no where it just breaks things off completely. i found out he was interested in another girl in my class and started going out with her and did her right away. but randomly after i found out they were going out his best friend contacted me. i had never met him before in my life but he said he got my number from his friend when idk something to do with the guy wanting to text me off it or something. i dont get it i think personally he looked through his phone and got my number. anyways he knew i wanted revenge. he used the **** out of me. completely. never talked to me again either. then again a few months later i start talking to this guy. he tells me he likes me we start going out for a week, i'm easy once again. a slut whatever you like to call it and then two days later he texts me saying its over. thennnnnn again a few months later a guy comes along and tells me i'm amazing and blah blah. and makes outs with me thats it but anyways keeps flirting with me. one weekend i go up on vacation with my family and i come home to find out my best friend invited him over to hang out for some reason and he flirted with her. then i later found out from her that she made out with him. and she was seriously considering being with him but then backed off. she said her exscuse was at least now you know you couldn't trust him. would you rather never know or have your best friend tell you? um id rather not know! i didn't know it then but i lost her too at that moment . ok well anyways prior to that guy tho a nice guy came in but i wasnt super attracted like personality wise and everything but he was nice and it was different. but i just couldn't do it idk why. i ended up going for that guy who made out with my best friend. anywhooooo after all that i just randomly hung out with guys but nothing serious at all. i was kinda being a player. or slut again whichever you prefer. anyways i add this guy i thought was cute on myspace & had seen before at my school. he had been a grade older than me. anyways he immediately liked me and i said yes. hallelujah. but a few days later i started feeling bored i guess you could say. i craved so much self-esteem. it wasn't about quality anymore to me it was about quantity. my old best friend the one who pressured me into doing things with guys always made fun of me. basically told me i wasnt good enough. that she had so many friends and thats what mattered. all that mattered was being popular etc. which i kinda think is where that whole quantity over quality thing came into play and then my whole self-esteem from getting hurt from so many people (my fault i know) just blew up and like about maybe a week and a half into the relationship i full on cheated on him with this guy i barely knew. at all. i knew tho he was a player. but i knew i would never like him because he had no personality. and wasn't particularly good looking not that that matters. ha. i did it for self-esteem. it boosted it knowing i had not just one guy but two guys who wanted me. i kept up with that other guy while still dating the current one. i eventually started realizing i had feelings for my bf and told him everything. he eventually forgave me but was heartbroken. everything was fine until a few months later. that old guy came back into the picture and i did it again. for self-esteem. and then an ex came back in and ppl flirted and i flirted back. and i couldnt stop. eventually i told him again and realized i needed to let him go so i did. i saw another guy and he was very upset about it. but then again i realized that i just kept missing my ex. there was nothing wrong with this current guy he wanted to be with me i just didn't connect. i missed my ex. so anyways. my ex then dated another girl but then cheated on her with me. and eventually got back with me. we dated for 2 and a half years after that. i didn't cheat once, didn't even want to be with anyone else but him. i appreciated him a hundred and twenty percent. i gave him everything. i gave him all my trust. i let him in. but then i started getting trust issues on him! of all people. i thought he was going to hurt me but i had so much respect for him and myself to ever go back to my old way of thinking of sleeping with someone to boost my self esteem. i just nagged. until he got tired and broke up with me a few days ago. i know i need to let him go. he deserves way more than this. i put him through so much. i really did. hes an amazing guy. and i would do anything for him. i want him back so much but everything that people says gets to me. i believe in that fairytale love and no where in there did it say i ****ed up and then he ****ed up and then we all just ****ed up and lived happily ever after. i want to give another go in a way. i know that the potential of relationship would be amazing. but on the other hand i want him to move on and me to be ok with it. but i'm not. i really do love him and screw anyone who thinks i dont. i didn't cheat on him in those 2 and a half years . i know that doesn't count for much but still. give me some advice on what to do. he was my world and everything to me , i dont want to let him go if i dont have to. but if i do , then i do. ill be a lonely old cat lady because i honestly cant see myself being with anyone else but him. ugh. also more info i've had ocd since i was very young like i'm talking 7 years old. i developed anorexia which now i feel was another part of the ocd at 10 and have had random ocd things and still going on now. i'm getting alot better with it but still. i just need some insight. i'm very confused. i love him and want him but at the same time would it make him happier if i let him go? please dont leave anything mean. i know i was a terrible person. i know i was a slut. i know i have major problems. i just looking for kind advice. i'm sick of all these negative people , i want some positivity for once. some hope that things are going to be ok.
Author pursuitofhappiness24 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 yes, i'm only 20 almost 21 if that counts.
TaraMaiden Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Is there any way you could get come counselling? I think you have serious issues with regard to a need for validation, a need to feel loved and a need to simply 'belong'. I think I must post this on average about 5 times/week, but this will be pertinent to you... You've been making rash and wrong decisions, because you haven't been thinking things through. You need to put a brake on accommodating others to make them happy, and to make them love you, because it's not your job to make them happy, and it's your job above all else, to love you. Your 'brain' may not be completely finished 'wiring up' so you've been making some unsound decisions. But then again, I think you just need to also take stock of what the circumstances have been, and make a pact with yourself to not be a pushover. And if you can, see a counsellor..... even if it's through school, or work, or even your doctor.
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