Scrab22 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Hello, I'm a 18.5 year old guy, almost finishing high-school. I've had 2 relationships. 1st was one month and 2nd was 1.5 months. Now before you say "That's not a relationship", please don't judge by the amount of time, since it's not the point. In both of the relationships I was the dumpee. The girls are both a grade below me. 1st one - "It's not you it's me" reason. She didn't want to hurt me. The time after this relationship was a disaster, but I moved on in time, into my 2nd relationship. It was slightly longer, but was worse. She didn't really put effort into meeting up. I always felt like I'm nagging her too much, till one day I talked to her face-to-face in school about it. She agreed with me, but didn't do much about it anyway (actions speak louder than words). I tried to meet up, one last time. She said she can't since it won't work out. I wrote that I thank her honesty and a nice holiday (It was holiday). She responded with a "I just don't think I'm ready for this, but thanks, you too. :)". I didn't reply. There was no point. From then on, it has been NC. I'm the kind of person who can't be friends with someone who broke up with me like that. I can't be friends with a person who doesn't cooperate in a relationship. A person who doesn't talk. For the 1st relationship - it was the 1st, so it may be normal for a breakup to occur. There were some signs, but since I have a high endurance, I'm not letting this break me. Why would I ask something like "I felt you slighly reject me when I flirt with you or cuddle, is something wrong?" Because she'll have a hard time breaking up at that moment. Besides, why do I have to check up on everything? I always gave a pep talk to my 1st and 2nd GF's, tried my best to cheer them up. I also checked on my 1st GF on our 1 month little anniversary since she seemed kinda sad, but was just snotty. She thanked me for asking anyways. The rest of the anniversary was fun, but not really excellent IMO (I can expand if needed). Anyways, I feel like I can't trust future relationships. I've been cramming the internet about relationships, talked about it with friends. You just CAN'T have the slightest control or idea of what's going on with the other side! Breakups come out of nowhere, and I don't want that! I want someone to be with for a long time. I want to grow with a girl together, not apart! Some people say it's all about luck when it comes to the right person. But since the breakups have increased my pessimism, I am afraid, and I always feel like it's my fault, during the 1st and 2nd relationships. It could've also been my fault for not having the right eyes for a girl... (Not the physical looks. They are beautiful girls). That's that. Sorry for digging up, most of it may be for venting. So what should I do? I know I'm very young, and I'm just getting in the world of dating. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in it! I eventually want to find a great girl to whom I can marry and have a great lifetime and maybe kids, too!
hppr Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 LOL. A friend of mine is in his 50s with 2 kids, he went from being a millionaire to being basically homeless because the wife cleaned him out in a lengthy divorce. He still manages to 'trust the other side' but he ain't getting married again, EVER. Your life ain't over, stuff like that happens just put on your big boy pants and realize teenaged girls are brainless. You aren't going to have some momentous relationship at an early age so don't worry about it. If you can get 2 of them you can get a 3rd, just keep on trucking. Get laid if possible just don't knock them up or catch a bug, be smart about it, have a good time being a young guy because it doesn't last trust me on this. 1
baRx Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Your life ain't over, stuff like that happens just put on your big boy pants and realize teenaged girls are brainless. You aren't going to have some momentous relationship at an early age so don't worry about it. Point. You sir, are 18 years old. You have all the time in the world to explore future relationships and figure out who's right for you. Cliche? Certainly, but it's the truth. You're still just a kid and you have YEARS ahead of you. If you think you can't 'trust the other side' at 18 years old -- boy you're in for a lot of heartache for a very long time. Think of it as having a best friend. Sometimes you drift apart, but does that mean you can't trust any of your friends anymore? No. This is the same concept, people just make it more emotional than it should be. You have to keep the faith and keep the trust, because without it -- you won't have another relationship. Period. 1
Roadkill007 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 you're still young. Chances are that many girls your age are just looking for fun or validation. Don't worry, most of them grow up to be fine women who are ready and willing to contribute in a real relationship Meanwhile, stop being so serious about this whole thing. Safely have fun and give a try to lots of different types of girls. You'll not only learn more about communicating which is the key in any real relationship, but also you'll refine your understanding of what "type" of girl you want. And if you do grow attached to someone, then maybe you'll want to give it a try, yknow? Basically, don't try to sprint to the finish line. It's the journey that matters yea? Enjoy casual dating, learn about yourself and how to deal with all sorts of people, then maybe find someone special to you. It may or may not work out, but that person will always be special to you and you'll have a lovely memory. Repeat and rinse ^^
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Take heart. It will get better.You just haven't met someone with whom you really click. You have your whole life ahead of you. It will happen, and it will be totally worth it. Don't see your two relationships as failures. Instead, look at them as learning experiences. What types of qualities do you prefer in a girlfriend? You mention that both girls were pretty. What else made them a good match for you? How might you pick differently next time? Also you mentioned that both breakups came out of nowhere. Even from your description of their behavior, I don't get that impression. With time, you'll start to recognize when someone is disengaging and has lost interest in the relationship with you even, before they "officially" tell you it's over. You won't feel so blindsided. Every relationship you have will teach you about yourself and what you need in a partner. Relationships end. We've all been melodramatic about a breakup at some point. No shame in that! They hurt. But I believe they prepare us to value that special person when she (or he) comes along, and to be a better partner to that person. It gets better! Edited May 30, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Author Scrab22 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) hppr - Jee, that's a sad story. But thanks for the advice! baRx - I like the point of view of a partner as a best friend. But that point of view is what can drive to breakups, since if you have a better best friend girl, then you'd breakup with your current girlfriend. I understand the point of view though. Roadkill007 - I did try to date some other girls. One of them said she can't since she had to help around the house, but she said there's the whole holiday for a chance to meet. I told her "ok, just tell me when you feel like meeting" or something like that. She hasn't talked about it till this very day, so I'm not bothering with her. She's always busy with studies, and I don't want someone who puts over-high priorities to study study study. I also dated another girl, but probably as friends. It didn't go much well since I offered to meet up at my place one day and she kinda forgot about it. I reminded her about it only once. So I've given up on her for now. We get along really well, but she has many boy friends (not boyfriends), so I'm not attempting to fall for her that easily. It's also because I've heard she ended many relationships in a short time. I also tried dating a girl from my class. She didn't cooperate with chat too much, so I also gave up on her for now. Now, just because I'm saying "for now", doesn't mean I'm a girl-wh**e. I still give a chance whenever it may come or not. But I think I've put enough effort into the 3 others (I don't want to be the only one to put the effort, I want it to be equal), and I'm NOT looking for struggles! Am I doing the right thing about it? Cutiepie1976 - Well, it didn't really come out of nowhere, that's true. But I take that as a "come out of nowhere" since they haven't talked about the problem (except the 2nd girl, who even agreed on what I had to say, yet didn't act with her words). When it comes to relationships, I can't just move on to other relationships without knowing my mistakes! I have to know them, since I fear failing other relationships due to the same reasons. Though I kinda believe I've made no mistakes, and that I'm just having bad luck with finding a right girl? Off Topic - is your nick a reference to PewDiePie by any chance? Anyways, if I'm in a relationship, I will ALWAYS put trust in the other side. But I'm talking about it from an orbital point of view on relationships. As I can't control or help the other side's choices. I REALLY need communications and right actions in a relationship! That's about it for now. Thanks for the help, guys and girls! Edited May 30, 2013 by Scrab22
skydiveaddict Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hello, 1st one - "It's not you it's me" reason. She didn't want to hurt me. Typical response from the dishonest person . Never buy it. She's hoping to excuse her dishonesty with cute little words while sticking a dagger in your heart at the same time. The rest of your post is just commentary. Never trust a girl with your feelings. You will get burned every time.
soccerrprp Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Typical response from the dishonest person . Never buy it. She's hoping to excuse her dishonesty with cute little words while sticking a dagger in your heart at the same time. The rest of your post is just commentary. Never trust a girl with your feelings. You will get burned every time. You're going to get hurt. It's part of life. It's not going to happen ALL of the time. It's about timing, proper choices, and a lot of luck. This attitude is CERTAIN road to regret, sadness, despair, and loneliness....I'd rather be hurt and keep up the search than to give up on the life of happiness....the alternative, yours, is D**M-right dreary and unacceptable for me. Good luck. 1
Author Scrab22 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 You're going to get hurt. It's part of life. It's not going to happen ALL of the time. It's about timing, proper choices, and a lot of luck. This attitude is CERTAIN road to regret, sadness, despair, and loneliness....I'd rather be hurt and keep up the search than to give up on the life of happiness....the alternative, yours, is D**M-right dreary and unacceptable for me. Good luck. To whom did you say which? I do want to find a girl. But I do want to do the process of finding one casually, taking my time till I find someone whom I may like. As for luck, that's probably my weak side. If it were up to me, I would put colossal effort into a relationships. But since the other side may see otherwise, luck plays here, and I have NO idea what's going on in the other side's head and heart, unless he actually brings his thoughts and feelings up!
baRx Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 baRx - I like the point of view of a partner as a best friend. But that point of view is what can drive to breakups, since if you have a better best friend girl, then you'd breakup with your current girlfriend. I understand the point of view though. i wasn't exactly saying that you have to be best friends with her, or that your partner should be a best friend..i'm just using the concept -- if you have a best friend (usually a guy) and you guys get into it and next thing you know, you're not friends anymore? -- does that mean you can't trust anyone to be a 'best friend' to you again? certainly not. it just means that person wasn't right as a 'best friend' -- same goes for the relationships. your breakups that you're dealing with, those girls just weren't right for you. again, you're SO young and i wish i could go back to being 18 and having the mindset i have now. i too was like you at 18, i thought after a bad breakup i'd never be able to trust anyone again relationship wise. turns out that was one of the biggest mistakes i ever made. i missed out on so many opportunities because of that mindset. keep going, kid.
Author Scrab22 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 i wasn't exactly saying that you have to be best friends with her, or that your partner should be a best friend..i'm just using the concept -- if you have a best friend (usually a guy) and you guys get into it and next thing you know, you're not friends anymore? -- does that mean you can't trust anyone to be a 'best friend' to you again? certainly not. it just means that person wasn't right as a 'best friend' -- same goes for the relationships. your breakups that you're dealing with, those girls just weren't right for you. again, you're SO young and i wish i could go back to being 18 and having the mindset i have now. i too was like you at 18, i thought after a bad breakup i'd never be able to trust anyone again relationship wise. turns out that was one of the biggest mistakes i ever made. i missed out on so many opportunities because of that mindset. keep going, kid. Oh, now I understand! Thanks allot for the advice, I REALLY like it now even more! At least you've developed enough energies during the waiting time, and I wish you a great romantic life!
baRx Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Oh, now I understand! Thanks allot for the advice, I REALLY like it now even more! At least you've developed enough energies during the waiting time, and I wish you a great romantic life! thank you sir. it took me damn near 10 years but i'm finally at the point where these energies you speak of are pretty much all developed. i wish the same to you and just remember, you gotta keep going. i know it's hard.. once trust is broken by someone there's almost nothing they can do to get it back 100%, but the thing you need to remember is that just because you ate a couple of crappy potato chips, doesn't mean the entire bag is bag.
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 PewDiePie? Haha. No I'm a girl. You're doing everything right. Just keep trying. Relationships don't fall into our laps just because we want one. It takes effort. Just keep plugging away. Each time you get hurt, pick yourself up, brush yourself all, figure out what you might do differently next time, and approach the next opportunity like this might be the one. Optimism and perseverance are key to finding love and happiness. You're 18. It will happen for you. I'm confident of that.
Author Scrab22 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I might as well scope for some other girls. I highly value effort. Yet I have some people in my grade who are in their first relationship for over a year. There's one which is for over 3.5 years! Just 12th grade, jee.. Don't know what kind of pain they've suffered, if any. Makes them a different world. Thanks allot for the advice! It really helps! I think I'll post another thread, about kindness, but that's a different topic so I'll make another thread for it!
Recommended Posts