WhatNext70 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Hi. I'm a 42 year old divorce OW to a married man. We've been seeing each other for two years now. I love him so much. I can't wait to be with him all of the time. He is waiting for some things in his life to smooth out and then he is going to file for divorce. He wants to keep our relationship a secret. He feels his marriage was doomed anyway, and since his wife doesn't know about his affair, he is going to file for divorce because of their differences. He doesn't want our marriage to be looked at as the cause of their marriage failing, does that make sense? He hopes to have everything organized to be able to file by the end of the summer. He will continue to support his kids, of course. My question is, did any of you successfully move into a regular relationship with your married boyfriends without a "d day?" I mean, without the affair being looked at as the cause of the divorce?
Praying4Peace Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I'll tell you- its much more likely you two end up if the affair is not outed. Its not fair to his Wife, but once the affair is outed everything goes to hell. I'd suggest you make it very clear that there is a time limit. Because looking for a 'good time' to get a divorce is akin to looking for a 'good time' to have a baby. (okay not exactly, don't go nuts on me everyone...) He has to know you're serious too. Have you done a whole back and forth, breakup and get back together thing with him before?
scatterd Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 You are going to want to take time for him to get divorced and time to heal. This will not be a simple as you think. Jumping right into living with each other also should wait. Their is no guarantee on how things will play. A small percentage of affair relationships work out.
scatterd Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Is his children young and is that some of his reason for waiting? Why does he not just leave now?
Author WhatNext70 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Is his children young and is that some of his reason for waiting? Why does he not just leave now? I guess he thinks his wife is unhappy enough that maybe she'll file this summer. That would be the best. His kids are school aged. He wants to be able to afford a decent apartment so he is looking to sell off part of his business before he/she files for divorce. I do hope he can pull it off without her discovering the affair. It would make things so much more peaceful.
threelaurels Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 You still have a long way to go before having a normal relationship. It is recommended that new partners not be introduced to the children until at least 1 year post-divorce. Additionally, most custody agreements have a 'morality clause' that forbids having a member of the opposite sex spend the night when the kids are over unless the couple is married. If this is the case with his custody agreement, you will have to have two residences and will only be allowed to stay over when his kids aren't there. If he is in charge of the family's finances, her lawyer is most likely going to hire a forensic accountant to go over everything. If this happens, there is no chance that the affair won't be discovered. She can also take him to civil court at a later date if she finds out about the affair after the divorce and they live in a state where knowledge of an affair would have influenced things like the custody agreement and alimony. His lawyer is most likely going to suggest that he disclose the affair and may even refuse to represent him because there are ethical issues involved with refusing to disclose evidence that could influence the outcome of the divorce. His lawyer needs to know everything, so it would be wise not to hide the affair from the lawyer out of fear of that this may happening. Worse comes to worse, he will have to be a man and own up to his actions by confessing the affair. Good luck.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I hate to tell you this but it is very likely he is going nowhere. I know how you feel because I have been the ow but there are very few situations where this works out - especially if he has kids. It's also likely that his wife already has an idea that something is wrong. As hard as it may be, knowing what I know now, if I were you I would cut it off now. He needs to make a decision and it should be his own decision without you in the picture. Let him deal on his own and come to you if and when he is single - not before. Actions speak louder than words - especially in this case. And his wife deserves to deal with this situation alone with the person she married.
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