King_Crimson Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 So I found out my gf's past sexual history a few months ago... with her number being at 15 guys (including me) and it's really eating away at me, especially the context of it (13 guys between 14-16 but since then, only with 2 boyfriends; me and her ex). Most were FWB and one time things; she has a bad past, got kicked out of her house when she young and made 'stupid' decisions, but never cheated. Anyways, I can't seem to get over it. I just don't understand how you can have so many sexual encounters... it just doesn't make sense to me. I've told her that it's upsetting me and I hate myself for it because she obviously doesn't deserve to feel guilty for stuff she did before me. On a side note, she's a great gf who treats me great (well, most of the time). Why do I feel like this? Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? How did you get over it? I need some perspective! Just a note I've been with two women (her and my previous gf). I'm 22 turning 23 years old. Oh, and we're both clean!
Shepp Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 The girl im (well its complicated but im not going to make this a post about mine and her relationship so i'll just say I love her), shes been with a LOT of guys! A awful lot! Doesn't bother me - I don't care about being her 1st or her 10th or her 20th I just wanna be her last! I don't care who shes been with before because - shes beautiful, of course guys with a pulse would go after her - but they screwed up, they let her go, there mistake - I wont make the same one! You say most were FWB so im gonna assume they didn't mena much to her, and my girl they were mostly one night stands - in a way I think could of been a one night stand - but im not, out of all those guys she saw something in me worth sticking around for! 1
BruinFan95 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't think the # matters so much but more how her character is. She might just like sex. Or is she a hoe which is the bigger issue? If you can trust her to not sleep around then the # doesn't matter. Just tell her to show you everything she's learned . Reap the benefits buddy! 1
Author King_Crimson Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys. I don't think the # matters so much but more how her character is. She might just like sex. Or is she a hoe which is the bigger issue? If you can trust her to not sleep around then the # doesn't matter. Just tell her to show you everything she's learned . Reap the benefits buddy! She is definitely a very sexual person, but she doesn't act like a slut or anything. I was totally thrown off by her #... I still can't understand it lol (although, when we get to the bedroom, I can definitely tell she's experienced, that's for sure haha ). Could it just be that she was free-spirited and was having fun? Should I be concerned? Is her # really THAT bad? We are getting pretty serious now and are almost at one year and are thinking of moving in together soon...
TheGuard13 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Her number only matters to who it matters to. You're being ridiculous (your words) because you're being insecure.
youngnlove89 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 It bothers you because you had less encounters. Plus, you might think that she doesn't cherish her body by sleeping with so many. My bf and I had this talk. I regret it. I'm 23, he is 28. My number was 13 and his was in the 20's. He couldn't pin point it. WORSE! haha It upset me at first, but then I got over it. My number was actually 16, so I lied. :/ He was upset at my number. Very upset. Because I'm young. I just had a time where I liked to have fun. That's all. I love sex. And I don't plan on doing the one night thing anymore. I think it's an insecurity thing. You compare yourself to those other guys. "were they better than me?" "did she respect herself" "will she cheat" "will she sleep with more guys in the future" but you gotta stop doing that. what is done is done. Are you going to let a number ruin the thing you got going on with her? NO! For future reference, this topic should never be discussed in relationships. It should remain personal. 1
Author King_Crimson Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 It bothers you because you had less encounters. Plus, you might think that she doesn't cherish her body by sleeping with so many. My bf and I had this talk. I regret it. I'm 23, he is 28. My number was 13 and his was in the 20's. He couldn't pin point it. WORSE! haha It upset me at first, but then I got over it. My number was actually 16, so I lied. :/ He was upset at my number. Very upset. Because I'm young. I just had a time where I liked to have fun. That's all. I love sex. And I don't plan on doing the one night thing anymore. I think it's an insecurity thing. You compare yourself to those other guys. "were they better than me?" "did she respect herself" "will she cheat" "will she sleep with more guys in the future" but you gotta stop doing that. what is done is done. Are you going to let a number ruin the thing you got going on with her? NO! For future reference, this topic should never be discussed in relationships. It should remain personal. This is great perspective, thank you (I'm glad to hear I'm not alone)! I was definitely looking for an experienced girl though; in fact, I would have been fine if she had a kill count of 5-10... but 15 just blew me away (especially since she's so young). I'm a very sexual person too. I don't really care if the other guys were better in bed or that she'll cheat or anything like that; I'm a good guy and I know I deserve a good girl, I guess it just comes back your comment about me worrying whether she respects her body or not (I have a hard time believing she does after that many partners). I was just curious one day because she said she 'had a past' and I had to find out : / (although I've learned a lesson not to ask these questions in the future). Oh well, she says she's moved on and doesn't live that lifestyle anymore...
Phoebe Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 She may have just enjoyed sex or if she had a troubled childhood and self-esteem issues then it's possible that she kept mistaking a boy's sexual interest in her for actual affection, or both. If you're a girl that's desperately seeking love and you also happen to be young and naïve I think that makes you a prime target for horny boys who will promise you the moon just to get in your pants and then disappear. Try and put it out of your mind, I know that's easier said than done. You said that she's a great girlfriend, that she's never cheated before, and that you wanted an experienced girlfriend. Well now you've got one, just enjoy your relationship and stop thinking about the past. 2
therhythm Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I never get why people compare numbers... when you look at your girlfriend do you think there is anything missing? Or is she just a normal person who had some fun in her teens .... come on man she was 14 when she slept with those guys... I never would understand how guys can measure a woman for the number of penis she has had in her vagina...I would worry if she had cheated in each guy she has dated before or if she was dishonest or abusive, what you have is a lovely woman who loves you and wants to share her life with you so don't pay her by being a dick and hold against her things she can't change and that happened before she was with you... 2
todreaminblue Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 as a woman with a past....i will probably never meet a guy who has had more sexual encounters than i have had......i am not happy when i have to disclose sexual history to guys i date..its embarrassing, humiliating and haunting.i have never cheated on a partner...i have had two really serious relationships.......my promiscuity.....isnt a high point of my life........the only thing i can say that might be positive.......i dont judge people on lack of experience.......or for their past.....as i have one myself......a lot of my history has reasons ......and not all of it was "fun"......i tend to take gusy history the same way...even people i meet....i am loathe to judge.....as i am ...the last one who should...that is why people i guess open up to me, because i wont judge them i think you have to see your girlfriend for who she is now....not who she has or hasnt slept with......as long as she is loyal to you......what is your concern? sixteen isnt too bad in my opinion......compared to some other women.......me being one.....but who i have slept with....doesnt really explain....who i am..its just an old me...give your girlfriend a chance........to show you......love just isnt about sex..................deb 1
Author King_Crimson Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Thanks again for all the responses guys. I never get why people compare numbers... when you look at your girlfriend do you think there is anything missing? Or is she just a normal person who had some fun in her teens .... come on man she was 14 when she slept with those guys... I never would understand how guys can measure a woman for the number of penis she has had in her vagina...I would worry if she had cheated in each guy she has dated before or if she was dishonest or abusive, what you have is a lovely woman who loves you and wants to share her life with you so don't pay her by being a dick and hold against her things she can't change and that happened before she was with you... I agree that it's not fair for me to hold it against her. She was safe when she was promiscuous and she never did cheat on any of her past bfs. I guess I'm also worried if I actually mean anything to her. In her past two relationships she ended up sleeping with a new guy a week after they ended (we hooked up a week after she broke up with her ex of two years). Mind you, she was interested in me before they broke up... but it just worries me. When I broke up my my ex I waited at least 2 months before I started looking for someone new (although I didn't end up finding anyone for almost 3 years, haha).
therhythm Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Thanks again for all the responses guys. I agree that it's not fair for me to hold it against her. She was safe when she was promiscuous and she never did cheat on any of her past bfs. I guess I'm also worried if I actually mean anything to her. In her past two relationships she ended up sleeping with a new guy a week after they ended (we hooked up a week after she broke up with her ex of two years). Mind you, she was interested in me before they broke up... but it just worries me. When I broke up my my ex I waited at least 2 months before I started looking for someone new (although I didn't end up finding anyone for almost 3 years, haha). There is people who feels different about sex man, there is people who has sex to forget, there is people who can detach totally sex from love... The important thing is if she loves you, if she does love you the amount of people she has slept with is of no importance at all because now of all the people of the world she has chosen to be with you! Actually you should see it as a compliment because a woman with some amount of experience in sex has chosen you as her man! :bunny: Really, care about what she does while she is with you... what she did in the past doesn't even work for comparison as it was with a total different person and in a totally different relationship. Have fun and enjoy your time with her, life is too short to expend your time worrying about what may or not may happen! Edited May 30, 2013 by therhythm 1
Author King_Crimson Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 I know it's silly to bring this up again, but I found out some things about the situation that make it a little easier to deal with. 5 of the guys weren't intercourse, just messing around/blowjob stuff. One was aborted half way through and the other was basically a rape situation (ugh). So, in reality, she's only had sex with 8 guys that she wanted to (including me). Whew, I don't know why she didn't say that to me the first time... There is people who feels different about sex man, there is people who has sex to forget, there is people who can detach totally sex from love... The important thing is if she loves you, if she does love you the amount of people she has slept with is of no importance at all because now of all the people of the world she has chosen to be with you! Actually you should see it as a compliment because a woman with some amount of experience in sex has chosen you as her man! :bunny: Really, care about what she does while she is with you... what she did in the past doesn't even work for comparison as it was with a total different person and in a totally different relationship. Have fun and enjoy your time with her, life is too short to expend your time worrying about what may or not may happen! Thanks a lot for your comments/perspective. I agree with you completely, I'm a lucky guy and her past doesn't matter now. I guess I've just never had to deal with this stuff before and I didn't know how to handle it emotionally. Thanks everyone !
Author King_Crimson Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Of course she didn't "cheat" She wasn't in a relationship back then and was sleeping around. Can't cheat on that. She was in a relationship back then. She's been in 3 or 4...
Author King_Crimson Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 3 or 4 doesn't account for the other 11 or 12 guys. Even if she was only with 3 or 4 guys in monogamous relationships which she had sex in that's still quite a few especially considering in 23 years you have kept it down to 2. So what's your point?
Author King_Crimson Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 You have created one standard for yourself and another for her. You are trying to negotiate the two conflicting standards but there is no way to do that. You have to hold your lovers to the same standard as you hold yourself otherwise you'll be miserable. You know, I was thinking the same thing for a long time about this. But I keep coming to the realization that I would have probably slept with 15 girls if I had the chance myself haha. Why would I be miserable though? I find it compelling that you have such a different view on this topic than the other posters so far. Is love not blind? Let's say you found someone who you really connect with, would you throw them away just because they've been with more people than you?
therhythm Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I know it's silly to bring this up again, but I found out some things about the situation that make it a little easier to deal with. 5 of the guys weren't intercourse, just messing around/blowjob stuff. One was aborted half way through and the other was basically a rape situation (ugh). So, in reality, she's only had sex with 8 guys that she wanted to (including me). Whew, I don't know why she didn't say that to me the first time... Thanks a lot for your comments/perspective. I agree with you completely, I'm a lucky guy and her past doesn't matter now. I guess I've just never had to deal with this stuff before and I didn't know how to handle it emotionally. Thanks everyone ! Enjoy it man, love can show up in many different forms and shapes, you can't pass on love for what a girl did when she was 14... I am happy you can see that too! 1
Author King_Crimson Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 The difference in one's life experiences especially when one attaches approval/disapproval or a ranking on who had it better to each item will chip away at one and the love one has. If you could not feel anything about the difference then your love could go unaffected but that's not the case. Ok, well it wouldn't have affected me if the number was like 10. I found out she only had intercourse with 10 of those 15 guys which, to me, is what matters most so it diminishes the concern I had from it significantly. I see where you're coming from but I'm not just going to throw away my relationship with her over this. She's a fantastic girl and it isn't fair to judge her on this stuff, especially considering she feels HORRIBLE about it and wishes that she could erase it. Where I'm from, although I don't know how I missed out, everybody sleeps with everyone. In fact, her # is actually reasonable in comparison to my two best friends (he: 30+, her: 25). No one's perfect.
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