My boyfriend's been taking me for granted lately... ?

[FrenchKiss]

Hey there.

I registered on this forum to get some good advices...And maybe share some of my wisdom with some of you.

 

I'm 21 and dating a guy who's way older...We really love each other. We've been together for almost 2 years. Our friends and families met. They're all happy for us.

 

But here's the thing...Lately my boyfriend has been acting like he's taken me for granted. I guess that's because of 2 facts :

 

- I'm really nice and always here for him. Sometimes I get super angry and we argue but I like to please people; that's just the way I am. And he might be sometimes taking advantage of that without even noticing (he's a very respectful person)

- Since he's older and he's an actor, he has a super active life. Always running everywhere, meeting new people, whereas I'm just starting my career which is not easy. I don't have a lot of friends (I moved to Paris 4 years ago whereas he's been living here his whole life) so it's kinda how he wants it you know. I'm always available.

 

He's jealous but the thing is : if something really upsets him, he will act as if it wasn't bothering him at all. But I know that when he feels that he's about to loose me (through tough patches) he will do anything to keep me.

 

Lately, he doesn't seem as in love as he used to be. He doesn't say "I love you" anymore, doesn't hug me. He even took back my spare key (we're not living together) and a month ago he was trying to make room for me for a big closet in his apt, and now he doesn't talk about it anymore.

 

He's not the most stable guy ever. He has never been with a woman for over 4 years. He's selfish but adorable, funny, charming, caring...When he wants to be ! But it's always been like this : 1 step forward, 2 steps backward.

 

How could I make him realize that i'm not his and that he has to be more caring if he wants me to stay?

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

A.

[MidwestUSA]

How much older is "way older"?

[FrenchKiss]

32 years older than me.... I know it might be shocking to some people and I get it...But he's a real kid and I'm like 82 in my head so we match

[Els]

Holy guacamole, the age difference is larger than your age!

 

Please, please be a troll.

[MidwestUSA]

If not a troll, a play toy. A young play toy. Disposable too. You're always there for him, a parking spot when he feels like it. Do some soul searching and move on.

[FrenchKiss]

well that's kinda mean to say. I searched for an american forum thinking people would be more opened but apparently I was wrong...Please do not judge us, that's not a very smart thing to do.

You don't know how he's been there for me during tough times in my life. What we've shared and what we've gone through in almost two years. You wouldnt believe. Our love is way more sane than a lot of people's one. we truly respect each others and now we have some issues, but even same-age couples have those kind of issues.

I dated guy who were my age...and everytime I left them cause I was bored and not really in love...And then I met him and after months of knowing each other, I fell in love with a sensitive, funny, charming man. How's that wrong ? I'd rather be happy with him than to be with a man who constantly cheats on me, gets me bored and play with my feelings.

Those are really wrong, mean and stupid statements.

[FrenchKiss]

Btw, Elswyth, please re-read your sentence about preconceived thoughts and accepting to loose control, and try to understand it if that's not what you did when you wrote it.

[MidwestUSA]

Then I suppose you need to tell him exactly what you've told us, that you feel taken for granted. That you need more of his time, emotion, and support. Good luck!

[FrenchKiss]

thank you. But even tho I haven't learnt that much with men, I believe (and maybe I'm wrong, Idk) that actions speak louder than words.

With my previous BF, I tried talking to him. Saying if things didn't change i couldn't stay. I repeated that for over 4 months before I finally left. And so he got it but it was too late.

Now I don't wanna break up with P. But I want him to realize i could leave anytime and so he has to make some efforts

[MidwestUSA]

This might be a good time to really pour your efforts into your career; it will take your mind off the fact that he's not there for you as much as you'd like. He will probably admire you for it as well; seeing you not sitting at his beck and call. Let him view you as strong willed and independent.

[FrenchKiss]

Thanks. You're right. I will really try to get into it. It might take time but I'd love for those efforts to pay off before I get really upset...

Patience is not my strenght

[Cutiepie1976]

How could I make him realize that i'm not his and that he has to be more caring if he wants me to stay?

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

A.

 

You aren't married or even engaged, so you're not "his." He's well aware of this.

 

You tell him in concrete terms what it is that you need and have a thoughtful, productive discussion about it. If nothing changes, you back your words with action and move on. You've done that before. Someone else will come along to meet your relationship needs.

 

If you're unwilling to let go and move on, then you're stuck if the person won't change. Really, you have two choices at that point: walk or stick around and nag...until he gets fed up and goes to find someone else more "fun."

 

It's possible this relationship has run its course. Just a thought. From your description, he doesn't do long-term. Perhaps adjust your expectations to account for his relationship history? I would.

[Els]

Btw, Elswyth, please re-read your sentence about preconceived thoughts and accepting to loose control, and try to understand it if that's not what you did when you wrote it.

 

I can assure you that my signature has nothing to do with losing the preconceived notion of 'It's not a good idea to jump off a bridge', any more than it has to do with losing the preconceived notion of 'It's not a good idea to date a man more than twice your age'.

 

That being said, I genuinely feel sorry for you if you are real. You are clearly being played by this 'famous Parisian actor' who is 32 years your senior.

 

I believe in people making their own personal choices, but in general, dating someone more than twice your age is as bad a choice as choosing to jump from a bridge. Of course, there may be exceptions, such as the bridge being on fire. Given your post, I doubt that you are an exception.

 

Think about this for a second. When you were BORN, this man was 32 years old. That's older than you are now. Do you see nothing troubling about this? Were it your daughter in this position, what would your advice to her be?

 

You are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on this man who doesn't love you. As for you being 'like 82'... Is that what he tells you? Because anyone can tell from reading your post that you are in your early twenties, or even late teens. And I'm not too much older than that, so it's not the case of a wizened retiree saying that everyone sounds young. You sound every bit your age. And there's nothing wrong with that. Except believing that you're 82.

Edited May 29, 2013 by Elswyth

[MidwestUSA]

Or, he's two years older than me, and you're two years younger than my stepdaughter. Anyway you want to do the math, but I think you need to break free and discover your own life, there's so much to be seen ahead of you! Not what you want to hear, I know.

[Els]

Also, even leaving age aside, re-read your OP. You talk about how he is selfish and jealous, but charming etc WHEN HE WANTS TO BE - ie when he 'wants to keep you'. What sort of man is that? What sort of relationship is that? Don't you feel you deserve better?

[veggirl]

32 years older than me.... I know it might be shocking to some people and I get it...But he's a real kid and I'm like 82 in my head so we match

 

All girls your age think they are more mature than they actually are.

Some bits of maturity can ONLY be obtained with age....you are a kid, and it's worrisome that your man of choice is in his 50s...wtf did he see in a 19 yr old? Other than youth and looks. What do you think a 50 yr old man has in common with a 19 yr old. That's so disturbing.

 

Maybe he is tuning out because he thinks you are getting too old for him or something...maybe teens are his things, not 20s.

 

Regardless what was his reasoning for taking back the key and such?

 

Have you actually considered what the future will be like when you are only 40 and he is in his 70s if you make it that long?

 

He manipulates you, that's why he pulls out the charm when he wants, because it keeps you around. He knows healthy women his own age would bounce if he tried that s.hit with them, but it works on you because honestly you don't know any better.

 

He's in his 50s and by your admission, not stable. A man who reaches 50 without having a serious LTR (3 yrs doesn't count) is a huge walking red flag, esp when said man is 50something and a "big kid"? wtf?

 

He knows you won't walk, you haven't yet and you won't "show" him that you are willing to walk unless you ACTUALLY ARE willing to walk. Half-hearted threats aren't going to do anything, he has experience and he will see right through it and charm you into staying.

[FrenchKiss]

I can assure you that my signature has nothing to do with losing the preconceived notion of 'It's not a good idea to jump off a bridge', any more than it has to do with losing the preconceived notion of 'It's not a good idea to date a man more than twice your age'.

 

That being said, I genuinely feel sorry for you if you are real. You are clearly being played by this 'famous Parisian actor' who is 32 years your senior.

 

I believe in people making their own personal choices, but in general, dating someone more than twice your age is as bad a choice as choosing to jump from a bridge. Of course, there may be exceptions, such as the bridge being on fire. Given your post, I doubt that you are an exception.

 

Think about this for a second. When you were BORN, this man was 32 years old. That's older than you are now. Do you see nothing troubling about this? Were it your daughter in this position, what would your advice to her be?

 

You are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on this man who doesn't love you. As for you being 'like 82'... Is that what he tells you? Because anyone can tell from reading your post that you are in your early twenties, or even late teens. And I'm not too much older than that, so it's not the case of a wizened retiree saying that everyone sounds young. You sound every bit your age. And there's nothing wrong with that. Except believing that you're 82.

 

Oh my ...Congrats...You know every bits of me.

Do you really think you have me all figured out ? Well I'd suggest you start acting like you don't know everything and everyone. What makes you think you can lecture people ? Do you think you can see me cristal clear ? Are you that full and yourself and dumb to truly believe that two posts from me equals you know me ?

 

When I say i'm 82, that's a figure of speech, meaning I'm an old soul. And believe it or not, I'm not that naive.

If you, poor woman, think that love is only happening between two people the same age, the same race, or only between a man and a woman, than I feel sorry for you, seeing how little you obviously know about life. People as narrow minded as you make me sick.

 

I asked you nicely, please, do not judge. And here you go : "omg he was 32 when you were born". BOY HADN'T NOTICED THAT BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG !!!! **** we've been together two years...we've had each other back's through rough time....THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY EYES - Duh ! who do you think I am ? Does being 21 means being dumb to you ? It seems like it. Thank you for making my life better.

Obviously, you feel the need to come say stuff I've known for ...hmmm...Almost two years. Not really smart. Well, thank you but if you can't read, don't answer the post.

I'm done with your specific kind of people. I've met too much of them. Know that I might be 21, but traveled by myself around the states when I was 16. I was fluent in a few languages before you could talk. Now don't act all grown up on me.

 

Lecture your kids all you want if you think you know better. But FORTUNATLY, I'm not one of them. And obviously, we haven't had the same life. And I'm kinda happy about it. wouldn't feel good about myself if I wasn't able to try to understand others...

[FrenchKiss]

All girls your age think they are more mature than they actually are.

Some bits of maturity can ONLY be obtained with age....you are a kid, and it's worrisome that your man of choice is in his 50s...wtf did he see in a 19 yr old? Other than youth and looks. What do you think a 50 yr old man has in common with a 19 yr old. That's so disturbing.

 

Maybe he is tuning out because he thinks you are getting too old for him or something...maybe teens are his things, not 20s.

 

Regardless what was his reasoning for taking back the key and such?

 

Have you actually considered what the future will be like when you are only 40 and he is in his 70s if you make it that long?

 

He manipulates you, that's why he pulls out the charm when he wants, because it keeps you around. He knows healthy women his own age would bounce if he tried that s.hit with them, but it works on you because honestly you don't know any better.

 

He's in his 50s and by your admission, not stable. A man who reaches 50 without having a serious LTR (3 yrs doesn't count) is a huge walking red flag, esp when said man is 50something and a "big kid"? wtf?

 

He knows you won't walk, you haven't yet and you won't "show" him that you are willing to walk unless you ACTUALLY ARE willing to walk. Half-hearted threats aren't going to do anything, he has experience and he will see right through it and charm you into staying.

 

 

Thank you. As I told you, I'm an old soul. I've traveled a lot, I'm interested in old music, we have a common passion for acting.

When I say he's a kid, it means that he's the kinda man who will start a dance and act silly to make me laugh.

As for me, I'm young, it probably helps him feel young. I make him laugh I'm spontaneous; curious and open minded. He teaches me a lot about life.

It's hard to explain...but we have a real connection. He has never ever played with me once...Lately he'sj ust been less caring. He's really respectful. I know his family, and friends....My parents know him and they like him. They were doubtful at first, which i can understand - but when they met him it all went away.

 

Plenty of people are living the same situation. It's actually kinda normal.

 

If you want scientific proofs : man are attracted to younger woman because they tend to be fertile. As for woman, they're attracted to older man because they - most of the time - are responsible and good father. (and he's an excellent father to his kids)

[GorillaTheater]

If you want scientific proofs : man are attracted to younger woman because they tend to be fertile.

 

Fertility generally becomes something of a turn-off once a guy closes in his 50s. Unless he relishes the thought of going to work on a walker.

[oriole man]

When I say i'm 82, that's a figure of speech, meaning I'm an old soul. And believe it or not, I'm not that naive.

i beg to differ. but have it your way though. gotta hand it to the guy, has a hot young girl in his back pocket. i do believe you got the hotness down. ha.

[jolie_baby]

I think you are young... not naive but young... you are never 82 until you are 82 and have lived all the years and been through all whats there to be 82...

[FemmeMystere]

Western culture isn’t terribly accepting of May/December relationships. I was once involved with a much older man who behaved very similarly to how your boyfriend does. He was wonderful in the beginning, treated me well, etc. Like you, I had to deal with the naysayers, the people who said we wouldn’t work out; he was too old, etc. And whenever there was a problem, people were always so quick to blame the age difference. That made me even more determined to prove them wrong! After all, THEY couldn’t possibly know what things were like for us. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but we were happy and in love!

 

But were we really? That’s a question I found myself asking time and again. Like your boyfriend, my guy had gotten into a pattern of taking me for granted. He didn’t have many successful relationships before me, and about six months into being his girlfriend, it became glaringly obvious why – and it had nothing to do with our age difference – he was just an irreparable failure at being a boyfriend. He started taking me for granted - backing out on promises he made, never had anything nice to say about me, stopped being affectionate, was spending time with everyone but me. Yet, he was very jealous and possessive, and wanted to keep tabs on me all the time. Wtf?

 

I eventually got fed up, so I made a half-hearted attempt to break up with him. And wow, when he thought he was losing me, he turned it all around! Suddenly, his schedule was wide open. Flowers, affection, compliments, romance … he really kicked it into high gear. I was the most important thing in the world to him when he thought he’d lose me. But as soon as he “got” me again, he went back to his old ways – until I’d break up with him again. Then he’d go back to being prince charming for the week or so that it took to win me back. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

That went on and on for years. Eventually, he stopped bothering to win me back when I threatened to break up with him. By that time, we’d moved in together. I was in college and working part-time, but he was supporting me mostly (his idea). He knew I wasn’t going to leave, so he really started showing his ass. He started acting so selfish – I mean, he would yell at me for changing the radio in his car! He never took me out anymore. The sex pretty much stopped. We argued all the time and drifted apart so much. I tried talking, nagging, scolding… nothing worked. I found out he was cheating on me, and I cheated in retaliation (I’m not terribly proud of that, but hey, it’s done).

 

Eventually, I got fed up with being in a relationship with someone who treated me so badly. He was obvious he was set in his ways and would never change. So I finally left him for good, and didn't look back! I actually moved to another state, just to solidify how serious I was about moving on from him.

 

So yeah… I feel for you. My relationship didn’t work out, so obviously there was no happy ending for us. But boy, am I happy I ended that relationship! It was a learning experience & really raised my standards for the future. After almost 6 years of BS (yes, I wasted over half a decade on that “wonderful man”), I vowed to never allow ANYONE to treat me like that again. I don’t care how “in love” we are, if he gives me more pain than joy, he doesn’t deserve me, period.

 

The decision is yours. And the bad news: He's not going to change. By his age, a person is who they're going to be. That can be a tricky concept to digest in your 20's, when you're constantly evolving and changing as you gain life experience. Just know that when he takes you for granted, that's who he is. The way he acts when he's on "win you back" mode is an act - and since he's an actor, I'm sure he's an expert at putting on a show and making you feel like he's sincerely changed. Are you prepared to spend the best years of your life being yanked around by this guy?

 

It almost seems unthinkable to be without someone that you’ve spent two years with, but it gets better. The pain goes away with time, and you WILL meet other guys who treat you better. You’ll wonder how you were able to put up with such poor treatment for so long!

 

If I were you, I'd make like Rihanna and tell this guy to take a bow.

[Phoebe]

He doesn't say "I love you" anymore, doesn't hug me. He even took back my spare key (we're not living together) and a month ago he was trying to make room for me for a big closet in his apt, and now he doesn't talk about it anymore.

 

He's not the most stable guy ever. He has never been with a woman for over 4 years. He's selfish but adorable, funny, charming, caring...When he wants to be ! But it's always been like this : 1 step forward, 2 steps backward.

 

I'll admit that I raised my eyebrows a little over the 32 year age difference. But what you wrote here is the major red flag to me. Not telling you he loves you and not hugging you could be taken as signs of neglect on his part, but taking back a spare key isn't a sign of being taken for granted it's a sign that he's actively distancing you from his life.

 

You are right that actions speak louder than words, and his speak volumes.

[xpaperxcutx]

Certain relationships can feel so right at the moment but in hindsight, they can that phase in life that you're only too glad to have left behind.

 

I'm sure he was a great boyfriend when you met him, showering you with gifts and affections. But people are generally always only on their best behavior for the first 6 months to a year. Their personality only truly starts coming out later on; usually they test the waters to see how much bad behavior you're willing to accept. Then when they see they can jerk your chains, they go out all out in taking you granted.

 

Age differences aside, there's no hoping that your guy will change or will likely change to accommodate you. He is who is because he is older and this has been his way of life long before you were ever a part of his life. I'm sure he was really on his best behavior prior, but give a dog a familiar setting, and they go back to their familar habits. What's that saying- you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

[veggirl]

How old are his kids?