She never initates contact

[BruinFan95]

Hey all! This girl has got me confused enough to sign up here lol. I've been talking/going out with this girl for over a month now, she is always eager and responsive whenever I ask her out. She never initiates any contact which seems to be the norm for women. Through texts she is always responsive and positive but never really carries the conversation. I'm usually having to pull it along and its getting tiring, can't keep pulling topics out my ass. I try to flirt with my normal physical contact, nudging when I make a joke, touch on a arm or back and I try to lead her with a light push/pull in a direction of my choosing. Put my arms around her when we ride the subway or bus. She doesn't reciprocate it back though but doesn't move away. On our hang outs/going out we might've been together roughly 5-7 times.

 

Backstory: She was in my class, I'm 26 shes 20. We made plans to go to a festival in the city where we ended up going on a lil adventure for around 7-8 hrs. This would be the trend whenever we went out as she likes to explore and stay in the sun. After our class would end we would usually spend that amount of time getting to know each other as I am trying to take it slow for a change. We would go eat lunch and walk around till dinner and eat again. Shared a meal at an Italian restaurant. Everything seemed good and I chalked up her lack of initiating due being busy with school and finals. Most of the confusion came during awkward times like finals, me going on a trip, or her already having plans. So we would try to figure out time during the week to sneak in some time to go out, I'd meet her where she would be working on sculpting projects so we could spend time together (I made those plans of course).

 

After finals it was her bday right before I was leaving for vacation and I wanted to escalate things a bit to make it clear I'm interested in her since we wouldn't have our designated post-class hang outs (which kinda made it confusing as it could've been too easy for her to get time with me). I never used the term "date" but figured she knew what it was since we would only go out alone (started with "hang out" and moved to "go out"). So on her bday weekend which was right after finals and right before i left I asked to see if she wanted to go out and get dinner on Sat. Her response "Hi! Sorry Saturday I have a dinner that night . But I would've loved to" So I told her it was all good and that we'd have plenty of time when i got back to go out. Wished her a happy Bday and threw in some cheese "I hope its amazing as you are" (I know cheesy lol). She responds with a "Aww you're so sweet,thanks! Have fun in Hawaii!". We don't talk until I return and call her asking her out to dinner on the weekend. She tells me that she is gonna be with her cousin for the week and doesn't know exactly when she'll be back. Again its bad timing. I tell her to let me know when she is back. I text her later at night the next day with a simple "Hi , how's your day" and she just responds with a a "Hi! Its going great!". Asked her what she was doing and she was with her cousin (a different one). So i let her know I felt she wasn't all there,that she "was doing something" and I let her get back to it. She says "No worries, I wasn't too busy but alright thanks!" We exchange a few more texts before I say "I'll let you go for real this time . Don't be a stranger tho, you can hit me up first sometimes" She responds "Lol only two (meant twice). But alright! Thanks!" To me it doesn't seem like she even acknowledged that I wanted her to initiate some contact first. My last response was "Haha I don't want you to think I'm not a man of my word ya know . Have a great night!" She ends it with "Lol no worries! But thanks, you too!"

 

I'm sorry it's a very long post but wouldn't you think she would initiate a text or call by now? I plan to talk to her face to face about it as we already discussed these type of things when we hung out. ex: Equal effort in relationships (not talking about us but in general) and how I like how she carries on convos (in person she's better with that. Sometimes I purposely don't say anything to see if she'll bring up topics in our silence). I plan on letting her know that I'm into her and want to date her exclusively when we go out to dinner. But some verification from anyone other than myself would be nice. I won't be contacting her until she does. Thanks!

Edited May 29, 2013 by BruinFan95
too long

[SJC2008]

You've been dating long enough to where you should be able to ask her. It's hard dating someone who has a different dating style. I'm about balance and reciprocstion. The mad should initiate more contact and lead if you will but I'd expect her to initiate at least half the amount that I do. It's 100%-0% and that's not a good sign. I was in a similar situation about a year ago, down to the way she acted whith the physical things too in not reciprocating but not pulling away. One time she ignored a text and call and I politely told her that it seems like I should take a hint. Well, she apologized and I told her I've never dated someone where after 3 dates they've yet to initiate contact and she said she got my point. We arranged another date but it fell through, our communication styles were to different.You can try to bring it up tactfully and see what happens but prepare for it not working out as in my case.

[clia]

I don't think she is interested in you.

 

Your post is a little unclear, but do I have it right that you two have mainly just hung out together after class to this point, and you've never actually taken her out on a "date"?

 

It's not necessarily odd that she hs never initiated contact with you at this point (some women like to let the man take the lead on that), but I kind of disagree with your statement that she is eager and responsive when you ask her out. To me, she seems to act polite, but that's the end of it. Let's review what you've stated:

 

So on her bday weekend which was right after finals and right before i left I asked to see if she wanted to go out and get dinner on Sat. Her response "Hi! Sorry Saturday I have a dinner that night . But I would've loved to"

 

And yet she didn't offer an alternative day. Women who are interested typically want it to be very clear that they are interested. They offer alternatives when they already have plans. She could have said "Hi! Sorry Saturday I have a dinner that night. How about X or Y?" or "Let's definitely plan on X day when you get back." So....

 

So I told her it was all good and that we'd have plenty of time when i got back to go out. Wished her a happy Bday and threw in some cheese "I hope its amazing as you are" (I know cheesy lol). She responds with a "Aww you're so sweet,thanks! Have fun in Hawaii!".

 

Polite.

 

We don't talk until I return and call her asking her out to dinner on the weekend. She tells me that she is gonna be with her cousin for the week and doesn't know exactly when she'll be back.Again its bad timing.

 

Again, she offers no alternative plan, option, or day to you when you asked her out. That's now two strikes for you. I don't know, but if a guy I liked asked me out twice and I was already booked up, I would be starting to worry that he would think I wasn't interested in him. I would make darn sure to make sure he knows I want to see him. She isn't doing that.

 

I tell her to let me know when she is back. I text her later at night the next day with a simple "Hi , how's your day" and she just responds with a a "Hi! Its going great!".

 

Notice that she doesn't ask about you.

 

Asked her what she was doing and she was with her cousin (a different one). So i let her know I felt she wasn't all there,that she "was doing something" and I let her get back to it. She says "No worries, I wasn't too busy but alright thanks!" We exchange a few more texts before I say "I'll let you go for real this time . Don't be a stranger tho, you can hit me up first sometimes"

 

Now you've asked her out again, albeit a little passive agressively.

 

She responds "Lol only two (meant twice). But alright! Thanks!" To me it doesn't seem like she even acknowledged that I wanted her to initiate some contact first.

 

I don't understand her response, but I agree with you that she didn't seem to acknowledge your request to "hit you up."

 

My last response was "Haha I don't want you to think I'm not a man of my word ya know . Have a great night!" She ends it with "Lol no worries! But thanks, you too!"

 

This sounds again like she is just being polite.

 

I could be wrong, but I would expect her by now to have at least offered you an alternative date/time given that you keep trying to ask her out. Nothing she has done or said sounds like anything other than politeness toward you. What reason do you have to think she is interested in you beyond friendship?

[GB25]

Id stop initiating and let her make a move for once..

 

shes also super young and might be shy

 

but yeah id stop

[ffw]

I'm sorry it's a very long post but wouldn't you think she would initiate a text or call by now? I plan to talk to her face to face about it as we already discussed these type of things when we hung out. ex: Equal effort in relationships (not talking about us but in general) and how I like how she carries on convos (in person she's better with that. Sometimes I purposely don't say anything to see if she'll bring up topics in our silence). I plan on letting her know that I'm into her and want to date her exclusively when we go out to dinner. But some verification from anyone other than myself would be nice. I won't be contacting her until she does. Thanks!

 

Just read the title. A relationship is based on a mutual interest. A vehicle can't move forward with a puncture tire. The last girl I dated used to do the same thing also. Just reply but never intiates first contact. One day, I stopped intiating contact & that was the beginning of the end. Hope it's not the case with you. Hope she contacts you. GL.

[GB25]

I get the whole.. " youre the man you havta make the moves" argument and I have no problem being agressive to an extent..

 

Call me a baby or whatever but I need some validation or reassurance that the girl im pursuing is interested or else I will stop and if she takes that as a sign of not interested than F it...

[filani]

@ bruinfan95

 

Clia's post pretty much hits the nail on the head dude! Don't waste any more of your time,energy or emotions on this girl...MOVE ON!

[BruinFan95]

@clia It wasn't all after class. We made plans and went out on weekends the same week we still went out after class. We would make plans on Tuesday and go out on Sat. She has rescheduled things with me and asked me what days I'm free before, just not in this example.

 

Thanks for everyone's responses! Yea I'm not gonna be initiating anything anymore, haven't been for a few days. I have to wait till this weekend when she should be back from hanging with her cousin. She said she would let me know whats going on, so we'll see. This will be the deciding factor.

[crude]

I think it's time to ask what gives, I feel like I'm in this relationship all by myself. Are you interested in me at all, or is this just in my head. If you got this strategy from a book or a friend, it creeps me out, I want you to actively participate so I don't feel it's one-sided and the joke's on me.