Keenly Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I have a strong feeling this will be one issue where your feelings don't matter one bit. She seems to think having a kid will make her life into rainbows and unicorns. She will not accept your unwillingness to procreate as an answer. She will become a selfish pain in the ass and will not accept your decision. Speaking from experience here .
Kelemvor Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 We would definately get a lot of support from lots of nearby family. Yes I do have a bit of grass is greener syndrome but is this just me making excuses / rationalising in order to avoid a massive lifestyle change? I know I would be very commited to a child which is why I want to deal with any and all possible issues before hand. I know the child would have a very loving and caring environment from both his / her parents, grandparents anties and uncles etc Its hard to have a pros and cons discussion with my GF as she has baby fever so bad she can't see any downsides. Follow your instincts. The tone, hesitancy, alarming list of concerns... are all major red flags. I think you are trying to intellectualize and rationalize a decision that you fundamentally feel is the wrong one. Your list of concerns reminded me of a conversation that I had with my father prior to getting married. I didn't even remember it... but after my divorce he reminded me of a time that I sat down with him and was justifying getting married to a woman that I had severe reservations about. He listened to me rattle off a few reasons for why I thought we would be good for each other and why I thought she was a good person, and then launched into a list of hesitancies and fears and concerns that I had about her. After I left, he was sure my mother would want to know what we talked about and so he jotted down all that he could remember about the conversation and afterwards held a 2 page notepad filled with reasons "NOT" to get married. After I got married, they were so fearful that one would die and my wife or potential future children would find it that they burned it. The marriage didn't last long and I certainly didn't follow my instincts. Follow yours.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Either way that you choose is 100% up to you AND your responsibility in the end. Don't go half-arsed either way.
FitChick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Do you have a job? I assume she is on benefits. You mentioned your country being on the verge of social collapse so I assume you live in Spain or Greece. How would you support yourself if that happened, never mind a wife and child. There will be no more benefits for her either. Her family will have to take care of her. You are too young to tie yourself down. She is a friend but you want and deserve someone better for you and your future. Edited May 30, 2013 by FitChick
Author fernendo Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Do you have a job? I assume she is on benefits. You mentioned your country being on the verge of social collapse so I assume you live in Spain or Greece. How would you support yourself if that happened, never mind a wife and child. There will be no more benefits for her either. Her family will have to take care of her. You are too young to tie yourself down. She is a friend but you want and deserve someone better for you and your future. Yes I am full time employed. I live in the UK and our big economic collpase is coming soon trust me. She is on benefits put at a push I guess we could survive on just my wage if necessary. I do love her and can't think of anyone better to spend my life with. I was single, lonely and depressed for so long before we met and im very happy with her thats why this is so hard. 1
Author fernendo Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 You'll 'shun' TV, but not computers and the internet? Umm, ok. Sounds as though you want to live a bare-bones existence - a hut in the woods, no electricity, and living off the fat of the land. I would imagine you'd probably not want your woman being on public assistance once you move to the woods because that goes against all your ideals - right? And yet...here she is, collecting assistance ... the very thing you "shun" so much. Seems a bit hypocritical. I can't imagine there are too many other women that want to live a minimalist existence in the woods somewhere due to the coming "collapse." You actually found one who thinks like this, but she's barely able to walk. How is she going to beat clothes against a rock in the river to wash them, or milk the cow and churn the butter when she's so limited physically? Seriously, how do you expect this woman to live some kind of frontier lifestyle out in the wilderness when she's already so dependent on government assistance and has all kinds of medical needs? Good luck with that. It sounds as though you won't have too many options with respect to other women being interested in you if you DO decide to part ways. So you'll probably stay with your girlfriend out of necessity. Lucky her. You misunderstand. We want to be as self sufficient as possible. This doesn't mean living in the woods and banging clothes against a rock and not recieving benefits it means things like growing our own food, keeping chickens for food, having the means to purify water ourselves, possibly generating our own electricity through solar panels, having a fireplace to keep warm instead of relying on a troubled national grid (which recently admitted to being 4 hours away from completely running out of gas) That way when the economy goes to **** we will at least have a basic means of survival. The reason I don’t shun the internet is there is a lot of great information on it and I make a living from it. TV on the other hand is nothing but dumbed down, patronising and fear mongering drivel most of the time.
Author fernendo Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Part of me wishes she had got pregnant on the sly that way I would have to just get on with it instead of making these hard decisions.
amaysngrace Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 How are you going to manage to do all of the hard labor by yourself away from civilization? What if your nearest neighbor is five miles away? You can't even ask them for a hand. She has major limitations. She won't be much help. Are you really prepared to tackle this alone? Things always seem like a great idea but the reality of it may not be quite as you expected.
MidwestUSA Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Part of me wishes she had got pregnant on the sly that way I would have to just get on with it instead of making these hard decisions. Oh, buddy, that's just so sad. I hope you find answers and some peace soon. Best wishes! 2
Author fernendo Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 How are you going to manage to do all of the hard labor by yourself away from civilization? What if your nearest neighbor is five miles away? You can't even ask them for a hand. She has major limitations. She won't be much help. Are you really prepared to tackle this alone? Things always seem like a great idea but the reality of it may not be quite as you expected. I don't want to be away from civilisation. Ideally I'd like to live in a small Village, Grow my own food, have my own water cleaning system make friends with my neighbours and live as self sufficiently / independently as possible. I think I should have used the word independent instead of self sufficient because self sufficient makes people think of a caveman style life which is not what I want. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 You misunderstand. We want to be as self sufficient as possible. This doesn't mean living in the woods and banging clothes against a rock and not recieving benefits it means things like growing our own food, keeping chickens for food, having the means to purify water ourselves, possibly generating our own electricity through solar panels, having a fireplace to keep warm instead of relying on a troubled national grid (which recently admitted to being 4 hours away from completely running out of gas) That way when the economy goes to **** we will at least have a basic means of survival. The reason I don’t shun the internet is there is a lot of great information on it and I make a living from it. TV on the other hand is nothing but dumbed down, patronising and fear mongering drivel most of the time. I agree with the above and I know people that have done it. It seems to be more common here in Canada though. More space. As if someone was suggesting that you live in a cave and wear fur togas made from skunk pelts!
Author fernendo Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Oh, buddy, that's just so sad. I hope you find answers and some peace soon. Best wishes! Thanks she said she wishes she got pregnant on the sly and I didnt admit to her that I kind of wish that too. I find making small decisions hard and big decisions like this seem impossible. One minute I really really wanna have a baby and got for it the next minute im not so sure thats why I think counselling is the best way to do. I know I sound so negative about a baby on this forum but the next minute I see one in the street or look after her niece and really want one. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Thanks she said she wishes she got pregnant on the sly and I didnt admit to her that I kind of wish that too. I find making small decisions hard and big decisions like this seem impossible. One minute I really really wanna have a baby and got for it the next minute im not so sure thats why I think counselling is the best way to do. I know I sound so negative about a baby on this forum but the next minute I see one in the street or look after her niece and really want one. That's very honest. Most big decisions are like that, there are always temptations (big or small) either way. Although her saying she wishes she did it on the sly is another red flag....
Author fernendo Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 That's very honest. Most big decisions are like that, there are always temptations (big or small) either way. Although her saying she wishes she did it on the sly is another red flag.... Why is it a red flag? Because she cares more about having a baby than me being ok with it? She said she wishes it because she knows I will be a great dad.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Why is it a red flag? Because she cares more about having a baby than me being ok with it? She said she wishes it because she knows I will be a great dad. *cough* yes..... But she is being pretty open about her feelings and NOT getting pregnant on the sly, so that's kind of good.
FitChick Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Tell her you will seriously talk about having a kid when she is physically recovered and you want her to concentrate on her health for now. Like eating better, fewer calories, healthier food choices. In her current state, she may not be fit to conceive and deliver anyway. Does she want to be selfish and risk her life and her child's life? The sooner she is fit, the sooner she can have that baby she wants. She just sounds bored. She should get a job as a customer service rep where all she has to do is talk on the phone and/or use a computer. Either that or get her a dog. 1
Recommended Posts