Figuring out boundaries with male friend when in a relationship?

[Insignificantdetails]

So I'm not even sure if this is an issue or not. I've been with my bf for over 1 1/2 half years, and have known my friend for almost a year, though we have only became good friend over the past few months. Boyfriend + friend have been introduced once.

 

I met this friend in a college class and I'd say he's probably one of the only people I'll stay in contact with as we clicked straight away. We're both trying to break into the same industry (which is related to the course we took) and you really need to get out there meeting the people in the industry etc if you want to make it happen. So a few such occasions have cropped up over the past month that we have attended functions together where these opportunities have presented themselves (I'd also like to point out that I invited my boyfriend to one of these events and he later backed out, saying he'd made other plans, and my friend stepped in).

 

For the most part I've been happy being friends, knowing that's what we are and bf said he is happy for me to be friends with him. But other times I worry it's not clear that's what we are. He often insists on paying when we go out, he sometimes gets touchy- feely (touches my leg, grabs my shoulders..) and the other day people assumed we were an item. We both just said 'no' and I tried to laugh it off while he went quiet. He texts me to make sure I get home okay after nights out and also stays in touch consistently throughout the week. And yet I just love this friendship. We have great conversations about stuff I couldn't discuss with my bf because we have other stuff in common And yet I occasionally worry I'm doing something wrong. Am I worrying about nothing?

 

edit: I actually think this whole thing goes deeper and I want to be honest. My boyfriend has been lashing out at me lately and eventually admitted he thought he was depressed - he said he is going to the doctor about it. This means when I am with bf, he is often withdrawn and I sometimes feel he doesn't want to be with me (though he says that is not the case). The way bf is feeling means he hasn't really supported me in the way I feel I've needed (my close relative has developed a serious illness and it's a hard time for everyone).

 

Whereas my friend has been through a similar scenario and I feel I can talk to him about it, while enjoying his company.

Edited May 29, 2013 by Insignificantdetails

[todreaminblue]

I t may not be an issue yet ...it does have potential however.......to become an issue....

 

 

oen thign that might sound pretty whack advice....but ill give it anyway...don't hang around other guys, friends or whatever they are when you and your boyfriend are having a bit of trouble......it is trouble just waiting to happen if you do.......when you have doubts....they are only magnified when you spend time talking to another guy who seems to get you when your boyfriend doesn't.......its an illusion.......

 

 

he went quiet for a reason after being asked if you were together........everything in life and everyone has reasons.....at the moment it is friendly bordering on ...something else......you decide what that something else is....i think you already know.........

 

 

limit your contact with this friend of yours when you and your boyfriend are on solid ground......it is possible that you will handle situations differently....

 

 

 

if you are weakened by doubts and on shaky ground......you will react differently...you are susceptible........and i have been in this situation........i had to forgo a friendship with a male friend.....in favor of keeping a relationship that was floundering.........i remained strong to what i really wanted and needed.....i wish you the best and hope you do right for you....d.eb

Edited May 29, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Insignificantdetails]

I t may not be an issue yet ...it does have potential however.......to become an issue....

 

 

oen thign that might sound pretty whack advice....but ill give it anyway...don't hang around other guys, friends or whatever they are when you and your boyfriend are having a bit of trouble......it is trouble just waiting to happen if you do.......when you have doubts....they are only magnified when you spend time talking to another guy who seems to get you when your boyfriend doesn't.......its an illusion.......

 

 

he went quiet for a reason after being asked if you were together........everything in life and everyone has reasons.....at the moment it is friendly bordering on ...something else......you decide what that something else is....i think you already know.........

 

 

limit your contact with this friend of yours when you and your boyfriend are on solid ground......it is possible that you will handle situations differently....

 

 

 

if you are weakened by doubts and on shaky ground......you will react differently...you are susceptible........and i have been in this situation........i had to forgo a friendship with a male friend.....in favor of keeping a relationship that was floundering.........i remained strong to what i really wanted and needed.....i wish you the best and hope you do right for you....d.eb

 

But is there no way I am worrying about nothing? He did go quiet but he also said 'no' as I did, so isn't that assurance enough between us that it is friendship only? What do people think?

 

It's just not realistic to not hang around other guys when boyfriend and I are having problems - I mean several of my friends are male. I know for a fact that we wouldn't be hanging out so much if it weren't

 

I think I feel shaky in my relationship with my boyfriend just now because of the things he said about our relationship when he lashed out. It made me feel very uncertain, although obviously it is good that he is going to get help. It would be difficult for me to give up a friendship that is keeping me afloat in some ways...but I understand what you're saying. Limiting contact and encouraging my boyfriend to make more plans together might be the answer. It just didn't help that I needed someone to attend this last event with, my boyfriend said he would come then backed out - that's why this other dude came. But I am also aware that he probably would have been bored stiff and I wouldn't have been able to mingle properly because we're around these industry types - maybe this friend really is just a colleague and a friend.

[phineas]

If your BF saw your male friend touching you the way you described what do you think he would say?

 

If you saw your BF touching a female "friend" the way your male "friend" touches you, how would you feel?

 

Either break up with your BF or break up with your male "friend" before you cheat because he clearly doesn't respect boundaries & is trying to weasel his way in & you don't seem to have a problem with it.

[Insignificantdetails]

If your BF saw your male friend touching you the way you described what do you think he would say?

 

If you saw your BF touching a female "friend" the way your male "friend" touches you, how would you feel?

 

Either break up with your BF or break up with your male "friend" before you cheat because he clearly doesn't respect boundaries & is trying to weasel his way in & you don't seem to have a problem with it.

 

I'm honestly not sure. It's never overt enough to be blatantly disrespectful.

 

This is what I mean - I feel a bit more secure when he says 'no' to us being together, but then less secure because the point has been raised in the first place. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, but I also don't want to lose this friendship - my friend and I work together as well, forgot to mention this! So each event we have went to together so far is work related, at least. It's really important for me to forge my career just now, and I can't really afford to give that up. Maybe I can meet him less and try to tone things down when we do meet?

 

And I would honestly say it isn't obvious whether he is trying to weasel his way in or not, or is happy with friendship. There lies my problem.