rie39 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 We broke up several months ago. It wasn't a bad breakup. We decided to be just friends because I was having doubts about if I loved him as much as he loved me. He thought it would be a good idea because he thought it would make me love him more and that we should still be friends and possibly get back together in the future. He said he didn't want us to become strangers. But when we arranged to hang out he said he couldn't because it would hurt too much for him to see me. And he started getting really upset at me about the relationship not working. So I abruptly told him we should just not see each other, for his sake, and now we aren't talking at all. I'm starting to miss him now and wondering if we'll ever talk again or if i should message him. When I said we shouldn't see each other I meant temporarily until he's healed a bit more but we haven't talked in 4 months, he might've taken it to mean that we should never see each other again... I miss being friends with him, I don't want more than that I just want us to be friends again. I'm wondering if it's okay to contact him after NC when I think he's hopefully not too hurt anymore and capable of having a friendship with me again. How do I go about contacting him without sounding like I want a relationship again?
metal_chick Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 We broke up several months ago. It wasn't a bad breakup. We decided to be just friends because I was having doubts about if I loved him as much as he loved me. He thought it would be a good idea because he thought it would make me love him more and that we should still be friends and possibly get back together in the future. He said he didn't want us to become strangers. But when we arranged to hang out he said he couldn't because it would hurt too much for him to see me. And he started getting really upset at me about the relationship not working. So I abruptly told him we should just not see each other, for his sake, and now we aren't talking at all. I'm starting to miss him now and wondering if we'll ever talk again or if i should message him. When I said we shouldn't see each other I meant temporarily until he's healed a bit more but we haven't talked in 4 months, he might've taken it to mean that we should never see each other again... I miss being friends with him, I don't want more than that I just want us to be friends again. I'm wondering if it's okay to contact him after NC when I think he's hopefully not too hurt anymore and capable of having a friendship with me again. How do I go about contacting him without sounding like I want a relationship again? I didn't think there was an "after NC". NC does not have a time limit. Let him come to you. He decides when he's not too hurt to see you. Not you.
Author rie39 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I meant after all the time my ex and I have been in NC. I'm aware there is no specific time frame for NC. I'm worried that if I wait for him to contact me that he never will though - what if he wants to see me again but thinks I've moved on and is restraining himself from contacting me? I feel like life is short and I should just go with it and contact him without letting the opportunity to be friends with him pass forever..
metal_chick Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I meant after all the time my ex and I have been in NC. I'm aware there is no specific time frame for NC. I'm worried that if I wait for him to contact me that he never will though - what if he wants to see me again but thinks I've moved on and is restraining himself from contacting me? I feel like life is short and I should just go with it and contact him without letting the opportunity to be friends with him pass forever.. He said being your friend was too difficult. If it had changed, he would have said something. It won't go well for you, but do what you think is right...
Porridge Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't wish to be mean here but your intentions come across as being quite selfish. You separated from him and now he's dealing with that and moving on with his life. Leave him alone. Your actions will only serve to unsettle him again and confuse a situation which, at the moment, is moving in a positive direction. Ask yourself truthfully, do you just miss his friendship? Or is this more a curiosity of what he's doing with his life? Perhaps it's an inner desire to test if he still has feeling for you? Whatever the underlying reasons, it's not considering what's best for him. 2
mammasita Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Definitely leave him alone, if you care about him you will do this. Being friends with someone who you're in love with is TORTURE. 2
Author rie39 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Ok thanks everyone. I won't contact him. I will let him come to me if he decides to. Gah this will be hard 2
inaya42 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 are you sure there is no interest on your part? you are concerned that he will think you've "moved on"? will you be able to handle finding out that he has? also, once he's fully over you, the appeal of a friendship will likely fade away... you broke his heart...
BustedUpInside Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Ok thanks everyone. I won't contact him. I will let him come to me if he decides to. Gah this will be hard Just remember that while it is hard for you, it is soooooo much harder for him. Believe me, if and when he thinks it is a good idea to be friends, he will get in touch with you. Honestly though, he might never want to. Sometimes it is just too hard to pretend that friendship is enough when a person is someone that you were really in love with.
inaya42 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 hmmm - I'm not sure about this. feelings fade over time, especially when someone falls in love with someone else... I think whether or not exes become friends later on depends on how each views the other as a person, not an ex, and whether or not each person was treated well in the relationship. some breakups are less a failure of romance than a failure of friendship -- when there's has been lying, abuse, betrayal, exploitation, cheating, etc. in that case no longer being in love is not a reason to automatically pursue friendship after a breakup.
BustedUpInside Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 hmmm - I'm not sure about this. feelings fade over time, especially when someone falls in love with someone else... I think whether or not exes become friends later on depends on how each views the other as a person, not an ex, and whether or not each person was treated well in the relationship. some breakups are less a failure of romance than a failure of friendship -- when there's has been lying, abuse, betrayal, exploitation, cheating, etc. in that case no longer being in love is not a reason to automatically pursue friendship after a breakup. I agree with you that some people are able to maintain a friendship or even start a friendship back up after a break up. However, in this case I don't really see that happening. Her ex had to break off all contact because it was too hard being around her at all. She broke up with him because he loved her too much and she couldn't return the feelings. I have a feeling that this is the kind of situation where he will not be able to get over her if there is the possibility (even if it is only in his mind) that there could be a reconciliation. I think that they will both just have to move on. If she really cares about him, she will give up the idea of being friends because it will probably just result in him being hurt over and over again.
Jono85 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I agree with you that some people are able to maintain a friendship or even start a friendship back up after a break up. However, in this case I don't really see that happening. Her ex had to break off all contact because it was too hard being around her at all. She broke up with him because he loved her too much and she couldn't return the feelings. I have a feeling that this is the kind of situation where he will not be able to get over her if there is the possibility (even if it is only in his mind) that there could be a reconciliation. I think that they will both just have to move on. If she really cares about him, she will give up the idea of being friends because it will probably just result in him being hurt over and over again. are you really trying to say that he'll NEVER get over her in that way?? i'm not sure i understand..
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