msp64 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Hello everyone, This is my very first time writing in a forum, and a very painful dilemma has brought me to write my story and seek any help I can get. Here is little bit of my background. I am a 28 year-old Korean American working in Korea. My family are still living back in the States, and I am living with an extended family in Korea. Although I am fluent in Korean and know the culture very well (or so I thought), it has been very difficult adjusting to Asian corporate culture, which is very different and mentally demanding compared to working back home. I'll try to make the story as concise as I can, but please hear me out as it is quite complicated. I have been dating this girl on and off for the past 11 months. It started very casually, without much physical attraction to be honest. She was my coworker, and had a great personality, so we naturally got closer and after a couple of weeks, we decided to be "official". Here is the first problem. I have been a very thoughtful/picky dater, and always thought about marriage/compatibility even before giving someone a chance. Obviously that never got me too far in dating. I don’t have super high expectations of someone I wanted to date/marry, but there was a general standard/list that I stood by. This was my first time going against my personality, and actually dating for the sake of dating. Obviously, things didn’t start out too well. I unknowingly started picking this person apart from head to toe, criticizing their imperfections, comparing her to others, mentioning to her how we’re not very compatible, etc. She was such a good girl, and had such strong feelings for me that she didn’t complain, but tried to change herself to cater to my needs/wants. Once I realized what I was doing, it seriously crushed me. I have always thought of myself as a good and kind person, and never ever hurt someone like this before. Of course I apologized profusely, treated her better than before, and tried to lower my standard/expectations. Looking back, perhaps I should’ve broken up with her then, and let her go free. However, guilt of destroying someone’s self-esteem if I broke up with her then, and my strong desire to make it up to her made me stay and consciously tried to make this relationship work. Noticing the difference, she treated me even better, and we became closer than ever. As you might be thinking, was I in love? I didn’t think at that point….so when she mentioned commitment and marriage, I started backpedaling, unable to commit. However, with more time passing we became even more attached. We were best friends, and one positive thing was that we were very intimate. However, at this point, my self-esteem had hit rock bottom, thinking how can someone love me this much even after what I have said and done? And even after I had told her all of my imperfections, whether it be physical or personal? Will I ever find someone that treats me and cares for me as much if I leave? I was torn inside. I wasn’t happy with the relationship, but I felt scared of leaving, fearful of hurting her feelings again, fearful of being alone, finding someone this caring, etc. Since then, I have tried to break it up with her 2-3 times, thinking she deserves someone that genuinely loves her, and I need to find a more fulfilling relationship that’s somehow better for me. The results have been the same, either she begging me to stay and I got weak and came back, or me getting scared of losing someone that’s so close and comfortable that I came back. Every time we got back together, things were better than before. I consciously tried to commit, cater to her needs, and make her happy. But there was always doubt in the back of my mind, and it would creep out whenever the thought of commitment, which would lead me to being emotionally torn. Curently, we are broken up (again), but we are talking, and this time I feel like I have to make a decision for good. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Do I have commitment issues? Am I just attached emotionally? Am I driven by fear? Can love and attachment hold us any longer? She is such a great person, and I do have a lot of feelings for her, but at this point, I am fearful of losing her at the same time fearful of “settling” and possibly hurting ourselves again in the future. Amazingly, she still thinks that I am the person she wants to marry, and is willing to wait if I’m not ready. At the same time, I can see that all this emotional torment has been too tough on her, and we are on a mini break where she wants me to talk to her when I can actually commit. What I want the most is to be able to commit and be happy for once, but I just cannot seem to make any decision, which is killing me inside. Understandably, I have been miserable for the last months, both dealing with this issue and adjusting to work/environment. Please help…I’m stuck…I am ready to do anything to free myself of this emotional mess. Thank you for reading this long story. I will answer any questions or comments.
shaz2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Break up with her now!! for good she doesnt deserve this, if you cant appreciate her someone else will.!! Its not fair on her.
CelticGibson Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Woah. Slow down there mate. You are using this girl as a buffer to deal with your situation living there in Korea. It's not fair on her if you think you are settling for her. From the start you had no desire for her. She was a convenience that you allowed yourself to take advantage of. This is why you are unwilling to let her go completely. She has put her heart out there and you are taking advantage of it and claiming you are distressed over it. Stop it. Stop it right now and be honest with her. Tell her what you have told us and be straight up about it. If you care about her at all you will do this. Then cease all contact with her. Let her go and find someone that will reciprocate. Yes it will hurt her but in time she will see the value of it and meet someone else.
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