Bunnyrabbit Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Can someone tell me the most important things to think about when it comes to divorce? For example: does it matter who files first or who inititated divorce? We have no kids and don't own anything so are we better off trying to solve this between us without lawyers? Or should I get a lawyer to protect myself to make sure I'm taken care of in the best way? How do I in the jungle of lawyers find one who does a good job? How long does it take if both agree on divorce? If we start the prodecure do we both have to stay close by the whole time? Or am I able to leave for a few weeks once we've straighten out the practical things? I'm very confused and full of questions as you can tell. I'm struggling to find a lawyer for a free consultation:( Any advice is appreciated!
Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Most of this will depend on the jurisdiction you're in. Unfortunately, yes... I'd recommend getting an attorney.
carhill Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Filing first gives you control of the process, in my jurisdiction anyway. If you qualify, you can get assistance with filing and service fees, and can utilize the court's self-help services. If the respondent doesn't file a timely response (30 days here), you can motion for a default judgment on the initial filing. We used a default with MSA (marital settlement agreement) to streamline the process and save on filing fees. The process was worked out ahead of time and we were in agreement and did a lot of financial 'cleanup' prior to filing, as filing technically 'freezes' marital assets. We had some filing issues but were able to resolve those with the help of the self-help folks at the courthouse. The whole process took about 18 months and we rarely saw each other during that time, maybe three times, and lived many miles apart. Your experience will depend upon your jurisdiction and how things go between you and your STBX. Good luck.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Thank you for your responses. Yes, I do think I need an attorney to clear things up. It's probably worth the consultation fee.
carhill Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 If you both are employed, have no children and minimal assets, check with the court, either in person or online, to review the process. We had substantial assets, including two businesses, and were still able to get through the process with minimal legal assistance. Be aware that legal help, competent help, can be very expensive. For example, an hour of my lawyer's time cost the same as the divorce filing fee, 350.00. IMO, the best way to find a competent lawyer is by referral. I was referred by a business colleague to his law firm and they provided me with three lawyers to focus on different aspects of my situation. Your needs appear to be a lot simpler. Ask around.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 My husband and I are trying to avoid lawyers in our divorce. We instead want to agree and make it as "simple" as possible. We don't have any kids or assets. He asked me what I wanted and wants to just give me that. But it's a sore subject when it comes to his pension. So even though he says he wants to be fair I don't fully trust him. I only want what I'm entitled to and nothing more. He's the main breadwinner and we've been married thirteen years. I suggested a mediator and want to know your opinion on this and how it works? Can I pick one and how do I pick one and is it her job to be neutral and make it fair? Can we go through with this even if my husband is working out of state? I called one mediator today and she said that she can talk to him over the phone. She also charge $3500 for this mediaton which I think sounded like a lot? Are my chances on getting what I deserve just as good with a mediator as with a lawyer and what is your experience with this?
carhill Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) We used a 3L at a local law school which had a cooperative program with our family law court and the mediation and MSA prep cost zippo. Took about an hour or so. Had my lawyer review the result and self-help filed it the day we brought it in. Marriage was dissolved the next day. Ask around. If you're agreeable, it's generally a matter of meeting the filing requirements of the court. Good luck. Edited May 31, 2013 by carhill
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 If you guys can agree on things a mediator is worth it. If you are going to seek counsel, do it BEFORE you go into mediation... My exwife finally got counsel afterwards and decided to throw out all the financial stuff we had decided on and refused to go back. Thousands of dollars in attorney back and forth later we are going to....end up back in mediation. Stupid stupid stupid stupid....
Act Two Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 We used a mediator and we have a house, retirement, kids (not listed in order of importance! We haven't filed yet but we agreed to everything and the mediator report is written up, ready to be filed, for a very reasonable fee. It took us at least 6 sessions though.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I appreciate your input and advice a lot! I will schedule an appointment with a few attorneys and do my research to see what the best solution is. I am so grateful I can come here for help in the meantime:)
GuyInLimbo Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 There should be plenty of mediators in the area. Be suspect of ANY attorney that tries to steer you away from mediation and towards litigation. $3500 "sounds" like a lot to me, but I haven't gotten to the stage of pricing one out myself (doing it very soon). Re: his pension. If you don't mine me asking, is it *really* worth fighting over? Why do you feel entitled to some of it? Sounds like you had/have a job as well, no? Sometimes, it's best to just walk away and put certain things aside for the sake of moving on.
GorillaTheater Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Shop around and ask around; all mediators are not created equal. I use them fairly often, but not in the family law context. Most judges will order your average case to mediation before trial. Some are very good, some don't care one way or the other. Some are reasonably priced, some most definitely are not. I think it's a good way to resolve cases (i.e., coming up with a solution that both sides are equally unhappy with, which is the ultimate goal of any successful settlement), but do your homework first. Have a very good idea of what you want out of mediation, both your non-negotiables and things you'd like to have but are willing to give ground on, and make sure your non-negotiables are objectively reasonable.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Yes, I do feel entitled to part of his pension because that's something he bought for us to make sure we had in our older retired days. Not something "we" are going to enjoy together now but we paid that off every month while WE were married. My job does unfortunately not take care of me in that way. If I had a much more secured and better paying job I wouldn't need it but that's not the case now.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 As much as it hurts me going through with a divorce I have to try and look out for me. I already have a few posts out here but for you who don't know the story. My husband of thirteen years wants a "break" to think things over. But I also found out that he is in contact with somone he "has an interest" in. I'm not going to give him a break while he's trying to figure his feelings out and be here if that doesn't work out. This is too painful for me and I just want this to be over and done now. We both decided to try and avoid lawyers to save money and I suggested mediation. I just found out my dad needs surgery and I will have to leave in a couple of weeks and be gone for at least two months maybe more. So here's my question: My job is only seasonal and I am soon to receive unemployment which is just survival money. Hubby is paying for everything and he wanted to keep on doing that while we had our break. But since this is too hard for me I want it to be over. I'm going to see a mediator this week and was hoping to start the process right away. How soon would spousal support start? I'm starting to wonder if it's a mistake of rushing into the mediator before I leave? Would the smarter thing be to deal with this once I'm back? But I don't want to "give him" more time especially with me being gone. Since he seems willing to come to an agreement right now I want to take advantage of that. He probably being like this because he has met someone. But am I worse off financially for the summer if the process starts right now? What do you recommend for me to do?
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Here in Cali, unless one has an open divorce filing and has filed the appropriate motions with the court, one will not have the opportunity to receive temporary (prior to dissolution) support. Essentially, you add to your open case by making a motion to the court for temporary support, supported by required documentation, and serve that motion/document upon your spouse, who can then respond prior to/at the court hearing and the court will rule on the motion/response. The court in your jurisdiction will have all the information you need to proceed. Seek out their self-help desk or family law facilitator, or see a private attorney. Good luck.
WreckedDan Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hey Bunny, I can't respond to your post as I have no clue, however may I suggest you limit yourself to just one post, I think you will get more people to help you that way since you won't have to repeat the process of telling your story each time. Also it can be a more usefull tool for yourself farther down the line to read what you have gone through from start to finsh. Just my 2© Dan
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I wasn't quite sure how to go about the posting. I thought maybe that more people would see my posts if I made a new post each time:) Sorry... Thanks for your input regarding alimony. It all seems very confusing and I'm still not sure what would be best for me. I will have to bring this up to a mediator and see what her advice will be. I'm glad I can come here in the meantime. If we can't agree in mediation for some reason and would have to involve lawyers. Would husband be forced to pay for both lawyers since I'm making much less than he is?
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 IME, your relief will come from court action, so getting there is on your nickel. The best thing to do is go directly to the court and find out what resources they have. In our case, the court had a great self-help web site which answers a lot of your questions; however, they had an even better self-help division which was not advertised or disclosed and we didn't even know it existed until we went to court to file our default paperwork and they were key in facilitating a low-cost and properly filed conclusion, in addition to referring us to potential free mediation. The programs exist for those who lack the resources to engage attorneys or, like us, chose to limit legal costs and, generally, are in agreement as to specifics, though we did hear comments from staff that we were exceptional in our approach. As an example, your circumstances, if filed at our court, might qualify you for assistance with filing and service fees, as well as other monetary relief during the court process. The only way to know is to ask. Go down to the courthouse and do it in person.
Gunny376 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I have no problem with alimony in so long as it "transistionary" in nature and not vindictive. And there is just cause for it and need for it. But its a case-by-case basis and shouldn't be a "blanket" thrown on the whole of a particular group. Its hard to answer the question unless you divulge where you from, and even then its subjective ~ because each marriage is different? And yes, its easier for us to follow if you just post to one thread, instead of making multiple threads. As a long time LS'er, (Oh tha' shame! It sounds like I'm into some kind of sexual deviancy? "Hi! My Name is Gunny376 and I'm a LS'er!" 1
Gunny376 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 When it comes to divorce? Its always best to aim for high orbit, which will later allow you to maneuvering room to settle for a lower orbit. What you want is negotiating room. For example if you get a court order for $1000 a month alimony, and he calls begging and pleading ~ you can say "OK, I can let you slide with $____ this month. BUT he will still be on the hook for the arrears ~ even though actually collecting may be a different story. Its important to recognize your in an adversary relationship while going through a divorce with the ex?
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Apparently the OP and her spouse, at this point, are amicable and he is providing monetary support at this time. A related issue I overlooked was the issue with her father. IMO, focus on your family during this difficult time with your father's health and deal with the money stuff later. As long as there are no response timelines waiting from the court, table things for now and be with your dad. That said, remain as amicable and responsive to your spouse as possible. That's my advice, predicated upon my experience of doing end of life care for a parent while divorcing. Priorities.
William Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Moderation merged the divorce-relevant threads into one thread. If the thread starter desires any other threads to be merged, simply alert on them and request a merge from moderation. No edits from the merge.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I wanted to see this lawyer who also works as a mediator but she can't see me until next week and she charges $250 for a consultation. I found someone else who could see me for free today. He took his time and I asked him some questions. I found out that he can't get out of paying me alimony (being that he's the main bread winner) and I am entitled to half of the pension he purchased during our marriage like everything else is split 50/50. We don't have kids or any assets. What he did warn me about was to go to a mediator (which was something he doesn't work with by the way) because he felt a mediator would be too neutral and not look out for my best interest. Also, hubby has most of the information and power when it comes to our finances and could make it go his way. It sounds like this could be true but I find myself being very cynical towards lawyers and how they want your money so they'll say anything you want to hear. He would charge me a $5000 retainer and didn't think our case would go over that amount. I also asked him about my situation being that I have to leave in a few weeks. He said that I'm actually more vulnerable now since I haven''t filed for divorce yet. He can take money out as of now and it will be harder to find. At this point we have everything joined. I feel like he's not touching this right now because he's hoping I will not file since he doesn't want divorce knowing it will cost him a lot. But the lawyer felt that he can start moving money around and if I would to file now or before I leave he's not allowed to touch anything and I have legal rights. This sounds like it's probably true? Even though I left realizing I have the right to alimony and more I felt sick to my stomach afterwards. I'm really struggling going through with this and I'm worried my "niceness" and being indecisive and not taking the step toward filing will really come back and bite me. It's like I'm waiting for more "proof" that I'm doing the right thing because this legal thing scares me and I feel so alone in all this. This is all new to me and I'm so afraid to go about it the wrong way. I think I need to see at least one more lawyer to see what's out there and not rush into the first one? I'm overthinking it all now. Even though I was glad he could see me today on such short notice for free it made me wonder why he's not that busy? If he's good shouldn't he be busier? His rating on Avvo is around a 6 which is not great. How long did you take to find your lawyer and how many did you see before making a decision whom to go with?
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