Treasa Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Also, if someone calls you crazy, smile wickedly and ask them if they'd like to see where you keep the bodies. Some people think I'm crazy. It keeps them away from me because I think they're a little scared of me. Win-win. 8
Author Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I only read the first page, but I'm pretty sure I'd be put off by this guy's behavior, and especially the tackiness and drama of, "Well, I talked to this guy, and he said you were crazy." Seriously? Especially on a first date?? I wouldn't be socializing with any of these people. Here comes my naïveté/doormat thinking: Was it really that bad to bring up? We were talking about the handful of people we know/are friends with in common (we know each other through two different circles, outside of Mike), and Mike came up. Was this a real big no-no on his part? If I never hear from him again, should I consider that a good thing, as opposed to just "meh, not a match"? This question isn't just for you, but everyone.
Emilia Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 A side note on moving: I considered heading into the city (SF) because it's close enough to home/mom, but after three weekends there, I know I couldn't take it for long... Let alone, the rent/real estate is wayyyyy outside my budget. Interesting, I thought - apart from the expense - it would appeal precisely because it wouldn't be so suffocating. I can find ways around Mike. I mean, I've dated plenty of men here and this only came up three times... F***
Emilia Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Was this a real big no-no on his part? If I never hear from him again, should I consider that a good thing, as opposed to just "meh, not a match"? This question isn't just for you, but everyone. I think so. I know culturally the US is quite different from Britain but here it would be considered extremely rude. I think overall all it's tactless. Who the hell infers that their date is crazy? 2
Treasa Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Here comes my naïveté/doormat thinking: Was it really that bad to bring up? We were talking about the handful of people we know/are friends with in common (we know each other through two different circles, outside of Mike), and Mike came up. Was this a real big no-no on his part? If I never hear from him again, should I consider that a good thing, as opposed to just "meh, not a match"? This question isn't just for you, but everyone. I find it best to never reply in any way that would make it seem like someone has any effect over me. For the most part, they don't. If someone is brought up and I happen to hate that person, my face will stay fairly calm, but then I'll smile and say, "Oh yeah, I kinda remember him." I would steer away from any bashing, verbal or non-verbal, and take the high road. People can't engage you in the drama if you refuse to be engaged. If Chris had STILL made the crazy comment, I would have enjoyed my meal and then left in my own car and not contacted him again. If you never hear from him again, consider yourself lucky, doll. For all you know, he and Mike are talking about you, or he's just a douche. It kind of sounds that way, and he's still far too tacky for you. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Interesting, I thought - apart from the expense - it would appeal precisely because it wouldn't be so suffocating. Well, in all honestly... I've been a little unnerved lately by how small a world it is. I think like attracts like and we're all more connected than we think. I can't tell you how many times I find some weird connection. It's really such a small world. Most recent case in point: went to lunch with a coworker the other day, and he said he was from a particular small town in SoCal. He's 38. My college boyfriend is now 38 and is from the same town. I asked my coworker if he knew him. He did. They played soccer together. The week before that, I was in the city and I ran into an old friend from high school who was visiting her parents, and she was walking arm-in-arm with her fiancé, who I know from law school, and they met each other while on vacation in Portugal. I'm telling you... There's no escaping! All why I care so much about what messages/energy a douche puts out there about me. 1
RedRobin Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I'd take it as a red flag that someone would bring up a rumor into an otherwise nice date... seems very 'high school' like behavior. Is he not capable of making up his own mind?? 3
Emilia Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Most recent case in point: went to lunch with a coworker the other day, and he said he was from a particular small town in SoCal. He's 38. My college boyfriend is now 38 and is from the same town. I asked my coworker if he knew him. He did. They played soccer together. The week before that, I was in the city and I ran into an old friend from high school who was visiting her parents, and she was walking arm-in-arm with her fiancé, who I know from law school, and they met each other while on vacation in Portugal. I'm telling you... There's no escaping! All why I care so much about what messages/energy a douche puts out there about me. Of course, understand. What is perhaps consolation is that most people will know what he is like too. Clearly he is quite confrontational therefore a lot of people probably had the same experience as you. An example is my top boss: that some call 'alpha male' misguidedly: ex british army, brash, loud, a bit of a bully, etc. A lot of people kiss his backside but not many like him. Most of us know that those he dislikes are probably ok people. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I think so. I know culturally the US is quite different from Britain but here it would be considered extremely rude. I think overall all it's tactless. Who the hell infers that their date is crazy? He also spent a good 15 minutes talking about how annoying Joe is. Joe is a friend of mine and Chad's who Chris recently met very recently. Chris also asked me, "What is the deal with THAT guy?!" and said he found Joe to be loud and obnoxious (because he cursed! in public! goodness!) and monopolizing the conversation. Now, Joe is definitely a talker... and he definitely loves to be the center of attention and it's sometimes hard to get a word in edge wise... BUT Chris's reaction towards him was an over-reaction, IMO. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I'd take it as a red flag that someone would bring up a rumor into an otherwise nice date... seems very 'high school' like behavior. Is he not capable of making up his own mind?? I'm a little concerned that I didn't see this as a red flag until my running partner and y'all all brought it up. 1
Treasa Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 He also spent a good 15 minutes talking about how annoying Joe is. Joe is a friend of mine and Chad's who Chris recently met very recently. Chris also asked me, "What is the deal with THAT guy?!" and said he found Joe to be loud and obnoxious (because he cursed! in public! goodness!) and monopolizing the conversation. Now, Joe is definitely a talker... and he definitely loves to be the center of attention and it's sometimes hard to get a word in edge wise... BUT Chris's reaction towards him was an over-reaction, IMO. Chris sounds like a pain in the ass. God, like you need all that drama. My life is a lot happier since I stopped talking **** about others, even if I still think they're ****. 3
Emilia Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 He also spent a good 15 minutes talking about how annoying Joe is. Joe is a friend of mine and Chad's who Chris recently met very recently. Chris also asked me, "What is the deal with THAT guy?!" and said he found Joe to be loud and obnoxious (because he cursed! in public! goodness!) and monopolizing the conversation. Now, Joe is definitely a talker... and he definitely loves to be the center of attention and it's sometimes hard to get a word in edge wise... BUT Chris's reaction towards him was an over-reaction, IMO. This guy is a dick 4
Emilia Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I'm a little concerned that I didn't see this as a red flag until my running partner and y'all all brought it up. I think it's because you are worried about your reputation and perhaps didn't take that proverbial step back. 3
Author Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I think it's because you are worried about your reputation and perhaps didn't take that proverbial step back. Yeah, my immediate concern was definitely self-centered and not about Chris's character but my own. I can't tell you how many guys I've dated where I've heard some "bad" thing about him from someone else. I can't fathom actually telling any of them what I'd heard. I don't see what good that could do... 1
serial muse Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 (edited) Here comes my naïveté/doormat thinking: Was it really that bad to bring up? We were talking about the handful of people we know/are friends with in common (we know each other through two different circles, outside of Mike), and Mike came up. Was this a real big no-no on his part? If I never hear from him again, should I consider that a good thing, as opposed to just "meh, not a match"? This question isn't just for you, but everyone. I don't think it's surprising that he brought it up, per se...to you it's a pattern but to him it was a one-time thing, I guess, and it can be kind of startling to find out that the world is a smallish place, and blurting happens. It wasn't super-smooth, but I wouldn't consider it a dealbreaker or a flat no-no. But I'd say it's how he brings it up that matters...how seriously he takes it and if he puts you on the spot with it or not. He could have laughed it off, or, when you rolled your eyes, rolled his own right along with you and that would be the end of the matter. A little joke for you to share, etc. But it sounds like he didn't do that; he sort of took it seriously (maybe), and that he might be swayed by an offhand comment from a douchey guy who barely knew you and trash-talks is the real issue. I guess all I'm saying is don't regret him - if that is the reason he doesn't pursue you, then he is a weak-ass dude who doesn't think for himself. And I don't think you want a weak-ass dude. Edited to add: OK, changed my mind. Now I read that other stuff about Chris and he does seem like a jerk. I think you guys are right: He shouldn't have brought it up at all. Sounds like he likes to do a little trash-talking himself. Bleh. Edited May 29, 2013 by serial muse 5
TheGuard13 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 In response, he seemed to agree with my assessment and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought you guys knew each other, so at work I went to his Facebook and asked him, 'Hey dude, what's the story with you and Star?' and his response was, 'F******cccckkkk dude, she's CRAZY! Stay away!" This is the third time in 6 years I've heard that this guy has said something derogatory about me. Trust me, I wasn't "crazy." I went off on him about as much as I did in the paragraph above. He wasn't worth my time, at all. I wasn't even interested, so much as offended at how he treated my friends (one in particular who was really hurt by him). But apparently, he's one of those guys who labels women who stand up for themselves as "cray cray." What should I do? Both with Mike, and the guys I date who tell me he's talking sh*t? 1. Ignore idiots who say crap about you that isn't true. It's not even worth defending yourself, because then you just look guilty. Actions speak louder than words to anyone who isn't a complete moron. 2. Tell them crazy girls are better in bed. 3. Seriously, they need to be mature about this. While it's a red flag for guys, "Crazy" tends to be guy code for mental health issues/instability...if a guy likes you and is secure in himself and his relationship savvy, he's going to judge you on how you treat him, not what he has heard. This guy who told you that he heard you were crazy is doing one of two things. He's either using it to make you "prove yourself" to him, or he's feeling you out to see if there's something he should know about you (mental health issues, etc). 2
Author Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 2. Tell them crazy girls are better in bed. Gah! Another zinger I missed! 1
veggirl Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't think it's that big of a red flag he brought it up. If I was going on a first date and a girl told me "oh be careful that guy is a huge douche/player" or whatever, I'd be nervous/second guessing myself and probably find a way to bring it up. Just because I think the person's reaction would provide clarity. Anyway I think what Jane suggested was perfect "...which one is Mike again?" or something similar. How awkward though! 1
Treasa Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Gah! Another zinger I missed! As long as you follow it up with, "Too bad you won't get to experience it." 1
TheGuard13 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't think it's that big of a red flag he brought it up. If I was going on a first date and a girl told me "oh be careful that guy is a huge douche/player" or whatever, I'd be nervous/second guessing myself and probably find a way to bring it up. Just because I think the person's reaction would provide clarity. Anyway I think what Jane suggested was perfect "...which one is Mike again?" or something similar. How awkward though! Exactly. There's also always "Oh, Mike, is he the one with the micropenis?" 1
Emilia Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I think silence speaks louder than words a lot of the time. Walking away is best. 2
joystickd Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I would ignore it. Honestly it didn't work out between you and the guy that says you are crazy so more than likely he was just throwing salt to ruin this guy. 1
charlietheginger Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Remove all pics of you and mike off facebook A man won't know your past unless its broadcasted in your present Sometimes to move onto the future we have to coverup the past If any other guy mentions mike in the future simpl say That was a pasted relationship it didnt work out and i wish him the best.... Instead bad mouth a guy and making yourself look better A potential future partner gets turned off and thinks " i dont wanna be another mike " also mike is.entitled to his opinion emailing him won't have A postive outcome... Mike will open that email." Damn 6yrs and this crazy.B still Wont leave me alone.!."
tuxedo cat Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't think it's surprising that he brought it up, per se...to you it's a pattern but to him it was a one-time thing, I guess, and it can be kind of startling to find out that the world is a smallish place, and blurting happens. It wasn't super-smooth, but I wouldn't consider it a dealbreaker or a flat no-no. But I'd say it's how he brings it up that matters...how seriously he takes it and if he puts you on the spot with it or not. He could have laughed it off, or, when you rolled your eyes, rolled his own right along with you and that would be the end of the matter. A little joke for you to share, etc. . I don't think there is any context or tone that could have made what he said acceptable. To put somebody you are first getting to know in the position of defending themselves against a random stranger's slander is insane. It's a sign of somebody who is extremely insensitive and clueless. Imagine getting into a relationship where you constantly have to call them out on their insensitive behavior and teach them basic social norms that they should have learned by age 15. 1
crederer Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I dunno. I wouldn't focus on it too much with chris cause that will make you look crazy, imo. Just sluff it off for the most part and prove to him on dates and such that there's nothing to worry about. Maybe just make one back handed comment about it in a funny way and then don't talk about it again. Something like "when guys get rejected they tend to have a different perception of reality" Or something....probably something more clever than that....but you catch my drift.
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