The "crazy" rumor, and how to respond?

[Star Gazer]

*Names changed.

 

I had a date the other night with Chris, a guy I know through mutual friends, one of whom is a coworker of his. At dinner, he asked me if I know anyone else he works with. I honestly said I didn't think so. Then he said, "Don't you know Mike Smith? I thought I remembered seeing pictures of you two on his Facebook a while back."

 

I instantly rolled my eyes, remembering that they do indeed work for the same large company. This Mike guy is someone I knew briefly for a few months about 6 years ago, who was an attention seeking, just-divorced wannabe player, and tried to play my girlfriends and I against each other. He failed miserably, and in the process of him going down in flames, I made sure to give him a piece of my mind, and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I told Chris as much.

 

In response, he seemed to agree with my assessment and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought you guys knew each other, so at work I went to his Facebook and asked him, 'Hey dude, what's the story with you and Star?' and his response was, 'F******cccckkkk dude, she's CRAZY! Stay away!"

 

 

This is the third time in 6 years I've heard that this guy has said something derogatory about me.

 

Trust me, I wasn't "crazy." I went off on him about as much as I did in the paragraph above. He wasn't worth my time, at all. I wasn't even interested, so much as offended at how he treated my friends (one in particular who was really hurt by him). But apparently, he's one of those guys who labels women who stand up for themselves as "cray cray."

 

What should I do? Both with Mike, and the guys I date who tell me he's talking sh*t?

[BLS]

Whatever friendship there was between you and 'mike' ended on a very bad note 6 years ago. You say you have no spoken to him since. Are you legitimately considering confronting him?

 

Neither of you like each other in any capacity, so it is not surprising that when his opinion of you is asked he sates he doesen't like you.

 

As for 'Chris', when 'mike' comes up in conversation I wouldn't recommend getting too heated over it (as this will make mike's statements more legitimate), rather handle it on an intellectual level by explaining, without emotion, what happened.

[D-Lish]

Blow it off, be yourself, and don't protest too much. Not much more you can do.

 

People talk, they lie, they twist the truth- unfortunately a lot of people will believe what they hear over what is in front of them.

 

It kinda sucks to go on a date and have to defend yourself against an unfounded rumour.

[Star Gazer]

Thing is, Chris was really interested leading up to the date, and then the day he apparently had this conversation with Mike (pre-date), he was... "weird" and less chatty.

 

The date went really well, so he said and so I thought. But, no word from him since. I sent him a FB message today asking how the rest of his Memorial Day weekend was, and he read it, but didn't respond. He usually responds immediately.

 

I can't help but think that Mike got into his head. The two other guys in the past six years who'd been told the same thing also responded the same way: great date, never to be heard from again.

 

Oh well.

[USMCHokie]

In response, he seemed to agree with my assessment and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought you guys knew each other, so at work I went to his Facebook and asked him, 'Hey dude, what's the story with you and Star?' and his response was, 'F******cccckkkk dude, she's CRAZY! Stay away!"

 

And your response: "Ok."

[TheBigQuestion]

*Names changed.

 

I had a date the other night with Chris, a guy I know through mutual friends, one of whom is a coworker of his. At dinner, he asked me if I know anyone else he works with. I honestly said I didn't think so. Then he said, "Don't you know Mike Smith? I thought I remembered seeing pictures of you two on his Facebook a while back."

 

I instantly rolled my eyes, remembering that they do indeed work for the same large company. This Mike guy is someone I knew briefly for a few months about 6 years ago, who was an attention seeking, just-divorced wannabe player, and tried to play my girlfriends and I against each other. He failed miserably, and in the process of him going down in flames, I made sure to give him a piece of my mind, and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I told Chris as much.

 

In response, he seemed to agree with my assessment and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought you guys knew each other, so at work I went to his Facebook and asked him, 'Hey dude, what's the story with you and Star?' and his response was, 'F******cccckkkk dude, she's CRAZY! Stay away!"

 

 

This is the third time in 6 years I've heard that this guy has said something derogatory about me.

 

Trust me, I wasn't "crazy." I went off on him about as much as I did in the paragraph above. He wasn't worth my time, at all. I wasn't even interested, so much as offended at how he treated my friends (one in particular who was really hurt by him). But apparently, he's one of those guys who labels women who stand up for themselves as "cray cray."

 

What should I do? Both with Mike, and the guys I date who tell me he's talking sh*t?

 

I'm sure women at some point have referred to me as "crazy" when conversing with others. While I'm not at all the male equivalent of a bunny boiler, I, like most people, have not always acted level-headed and dignified in my dealings with the opposite sex, especially when miscommunication or disagreement occurred. If someone who has virtually no presence in your life is calling me crazy, regardless of whether it actually characterizes who I am, I really don't see what the point is in wasting any mental energy on it beyond the trivial annoyance that it is. I'm not sure why this would be different for you or anyone else. If anything, "doing something" to address this rumor would only reinforce it.

[Star Gazer]

And your response: "Ok."

 

Yeah, I should have ended it there.

[Star Gazer]

If anything, "doing something" to address this rumor would only reinforce it.

 

Very true. I guess I'm just very protective of my reputation in the community (I know Chris through business contacts/friends, so having him tell me he heard I'm "crazy" was a little scary), and Mike is such a douche that him even saying my name out loud let alone articulating any sort of opinion of me makes my blood boil. He's really... scum.

[BLS]

Advice I can propose would be going on a date with somebody who's not involved with this 'mike' at all.

 

Personally, something an acquaintance tells me about a girl is irrelevant until proven, so perhaps its not Mike and you're just reading them wrong?

[edgygirl]

Whenever a new date or some guy I know says their ex/a woman "is crazy" I think: "yeah, right." Most times it is the guy who f-up and "made her" crazy being a jerk. Confirmed over and over again.

 

I would actually let some time pass (so he doesn't associate it directly with your date) and send this ahole a lovely message reminding him who is actually crazy and that he should stop messing with your reputation. But that's just me, I'm on the confrontational side.

[USMCHokie]

Whenever a new date or some guy I know says their ex/a woman "is crazy" I think: "yeah, right." Most times it is the guy who f-up and "made her" crazy being a jerk. Confirmed over and over again.

 

I would actually let some time pass (so he doesn't associate it directly with your date) and send this ahole a lovely message reminding him who is actually crazy and that he should stop messing with your reputation. But that's just me, I'm on the confrontational crazy side.

 

 

 

-----

[Star Gazer]

Advice I can propose would be going on a date with somebody who's not involved with this 'mike' at all.

 

Difficult to do, or even know if there's a relation, until getting to know them. He knows... tons of people. As do I.

 

I mean, there are a particular set of guys about town who have quite the reputation, and if a decent guy finds out that you've dated/slept with any one of the guys about town, the decent guy will lose interest and move on. Luckily, I haven't dated/slept with any of those douche guys, but I feel similar impacts from what this Mike douche is saying about me.

 

Personally, something an acquaintance tells me about a girl is irrelevant until proven, so perhaps its not Mike and you're just reading them wrong?

 

The timing is always the same. Near the end of the date, they ask about Mike and tell me what he's said... It's just... strange. After this most recent date, and sensing deja vu and timing of the whole inquiry, a tiny part of me actually thought, "Is this a joke? Is this guy seriously asking about Mike too?"

 

A guy doesn't sit through a 4 hour dinner date, and initiate most of the questions to keep the lively conversation going until the restaurateur asks you to leave so he can close up, with someone he thinks is crazy. I don't think he was just being polite. We were really enjoying each other's company.

 

Meh.

[Star Gazer]

 

 

-----

 

Then I'm crazy, because you know that I'm confrontational too... and that's precisely what I'm inclined to do.

 

I'm also an attorney with a reputation to uphold. "Crazy" doesn't work for me.

[edgygirl]

 

 

-----

 

Hahaha. Okay then. Different culture maybe. As you may know I'm not originally American and I won't take it and shut up. This guy did it 3 times! Enough is enough.

[USMCHokie]

Then I'm crazy, because you know that I'm confrontational too... and that's precisely what I'm inclined to do.

 

Say it ain't so...??!

 

 

[USMCHokie]

Luckily, I haven't dated/slept with any of those douche guys, but I feel similar impacts from what this Mike douche is saying about me.

 

Perception may not be reality, but unfortunately, perception is real...

[Star Gazer]

Perception may not be reality, but unfortunately, perception is real...

 

I know. But nothing I'm doing or saying before, during, or after these dates would make a guy perceive me as crazy.

 

Meh. If he wants to believe a known-douche, that's on him.

[edgygirl]

I know. But nothing I'm doing or saying before, during, or after these dates would make a guy perceive me as crazy.

 

Meh. If he wants to believe a known-douche, that's on him.

 

I wonder if most guys even realize when another guy is a douche. I tend to think they don't and prefer to believe "that woman is crazy" talk. Guys code or something like that.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Whenever a new date or some guy I know says their ex/a woman "is crazy" I think: "yeah, right." Most times it is the guy who f-up and "made her" crazy being a jerk. Confirmed over and over again.

 

I would actually let some time pass (so he doesn't associate it directly with your date) and send this ahole a lovely message reminding him who is actually crazy and that he should stop messing with your reputation. But that's just me, I'm on the confrontational side.

 

mmmm you sure about that?

 

I know plenty of women that were born crazy.

[edgygirl]

mmmm you sure about that?

 

I know plenty of women that were born crazy.

 

Oh I do, too. That's why I said "most". In my personal experience, lots of guys often use the word crazy to describe their exes, but when you get to hear the woman's side of the story, you realize the guys' story was not exactly accurate

[Emilia]

I'm also an attorney with a reputation to uphold. "Crazy" doesn't work for me.

The thing is, you can't date in your circle.

 

My view is that if Mike holds back because of what he heard from Chris, he wasn't that great a catch to start with.

 

I can't remember where you live Star and I don't know what the dating opportunities are like there but it is best to keep professional and private circles completely separate. Would that be possible?

[Ninjainpajamas]

The difference between men and women is women can say anything about a guy and a woman still give him a shot thinking she's special or different, but with men they heed the warning and take that information into consideration and often times as truth...not as complete truth but possibly, and something to be weary of...depending on who it came from and what was said.

 

The fact that this guy is bringing up a photo on FB that was supposedly from six years ago? I mean wtf is that in the first place...but just him bringing up rumors and questioning you outright is a bit douchey and immature in my book. It's one thing for him to ask/talk to you about some situation in the past, inquiring about a certain this or that or what not...but to bring up the whole "well this is what so and so said about you....what say you"...is retarded.

 

Sounds like highschool drama, and then you had to stick up for your friend in the past because this guy was hurting your friends somehow doing this or that...that all sounds childish as well.

 

Men realize when another guy is a douche, but men have a different rapport with other men than they do with women...these men may treat other women disrespectfully and without any regard but can be otherwise respectable to their fellow men whom they respect...so his word, even if not very respectable in some light, can still be taken as truth because when women give off the "crazy" vibe every guy knows what that is and knows that that pu$$y isn't worth the drama or even the potential.

 

If you date this guy he may be on the lookout for your "crazyness" whether it necessarily exists or not, now he's "aware" of the label. So depending on what develops with this guy can just add fuel to the fire of the rumor...and you'll have another reputation amongst colleagues to deal with as well.

 

Dealing with these "men" from work, you're going to have to worry about such things. Every women has a label or is talked about amongst men, they know if you're easy, crazy, a "cool chick", whatever it is. There's nothing you can do about it of course, the more you resist or try to clear the air, the more crazy you're actually going to look...you have to detach yourself from it and not be swayed by the opinions of these people to react.

[Emilia]

The difference between men and women is women can say anything about a guy and a woman still give him a shot thinking she's special or different, but with men they heed the warning and take that information into consideration and often times as truth...not as complete truth but possibly, and something to be weary of...depending on who it came from and what was said.

 

The fact that this guy is bringing up a photo on FB that was supposedly from six years ago? I mean wtf is that in the first place...but just him bringing up rumors and questioning you outright is a bit douchey and immature in my book. It's one thing for him to ask/talk to you about some situation in the past, inquiring about a certain this or that or what not...but to bring up the whole "well this is what so and so said about you....what say you"...is retarded.

 

Sounds like highschool drama, and then you had to stick up for your friend in the past because this guy was hurting your friends somehow doing this or that...that all sounds childish as well.

 

Men realize when another guy is a douche, but men have a different rapport with other men than they do with women...these men may treat other women disrespectfully and without any regard but can be otherwise respectable to their fellow men whom they respect...so his word, even if not very respectable in some light, can still be taken as truth because when women give off the "crazy" vibe every guy knows what that is and knows that that pu$$y isn't worth the drama or even the potential.

 

If you date this guy he may be on the lookout for your "crazyness" whether it necessarily exists or not, now he's "aware" of the label. So depending on what develops with this guy can just add fuel to the fire of the rumor...and you'll have another reputation amongst colleagues to deal with as well.

 

Dealing with these "men" from work, you're going to have to worry about such things. Every women has a label or is talked about amongst men, they know if you're easy, crazy, a "cool chick", whatever it is. There's nothing you can do about it of course, the more you resist or try to clear the air, the more crazy you're actually going to look...you have to detach yourself from it and not be swayed by the opinions of these people to react.

 

Completely agree which is why I never date anyone from my industry. Women have it hard enough proving themselves every day let alone when some little knob wants to bring you down years after some random tiff.

 

I mean who the hell brings something like this up on a date? As Ninja says, men are very aware of what other men are like and the fact that this guy put you on the spot like this shows his 'quality'

 

I hear enough drunken conversations in the pub about women to know not to get involved with guys like this. If you date men in your professional circle you will forever feel you have to defend yourself - unless you grow thick skin or you meet a very cool guy who isn't like that. But then the very cool guy probably won't want to date from his circles either....

[phineas]

I wonder if most guys even realize when another guy is a douche. I tend to think they don't and prefer to believe "that woman is crazy" talk. Guys code or something like that.

 

Nah, we can spot a d-bag a mile away.

We just don't bother telling the woman because she won't listen to us anyways.

 

Trust me, i've been there with my sister's, my cousins, my co-workers, & some female friends. Every time I warned them the guy was a d-bag they caught him cheating or hitting on other women / texting other women & was looking to cheat.

 

They of course went ballistic on him.

I don't consider them "crazy". Woman's scorn & all that.

Unless, it was just a few dates & not someone who was supposed to be your BF.

Then I have to wonder about the stability of the mind dealing with.

 

I reserve cray cray for women who think they are being the master manipulator & leading a guy on then get pissed when he stops playing her games & gets with someone else.

 

Or a woman who tells me she just wants to be "friends" but then tries to interfere when another woman is interested in me. Especially when it's a woman hotter than her. LOL! cray cray!

 

 

OP, ignore the guy. If you give him a piece of your mind also you will get a rep for being cray cray because honestly, going off on someone you weren't actually invested in does come off a little crazy.

[sillyanswer]

Then he said, "Don't you know Mike Smith? I thought I remembered seeing pictures of you two on his Facebook a while back."

 

Time to untag yourself from those photos with Mike.

 

Apart from that, if your date is swayed more by Mike's comments (which in any case date from some years ago, even if they were true, which I'm sure they aren't) than from making his own decision now that he's met you then you aren't missing much by not having a second date.