worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 My decision is do I ruin my marriage because he was dumb once. Why are you taking blame for any ruination? He's already put a dark stain on it. 1
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What he wont do is admit he was wrong. He is adamant he only did what was allowed. He wont even consider that some fault lies with him. Danger! Danger! If he's slippery enough to hold to some puerile old document (which wasn't the Constitution, for God's sake) as solid validation for a heinous act, then I would dare say his slipperiness could go on & on -- by virtue of not conceding any wrongdoing whatsoever. So, yes, rush to marriage counseling. But good gravy, you're going to be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your life with this guy. 1
Spotme Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Since he likes lists, let's do one: 1. What anyone else does in their relationship with regard to other people is irrelevant. You could poll the whole world and even if you came up with a consensus, it would not matter. He slept with someone else and you feel betrayed. It is what it is. 2. Him turning anger back on you to control your response is very manipulative. Does he do this in other situations? 3. Him holding onto that piece of paper is highly suspect. That is a weird thing to do. At best it speaks to emotional immaturity, at worst to need for a major, honest airing of his sexual wants and needs (or to a revelation that there's been more cheating - I don't think we can rule that out in good conscience). 4. If you have any hope of moving forward together, several things need to happen: 4 a. You have to understand that your feelings are valid and you have a right to them so that you can work through them. Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel obligated or pressured to suppress your feelings and agree to his point of view because he is angrily expressing that he doesn't think you should have them/want you to have them because they give him guilt? 4 b. You must understand that the things you need to do to move forward are not negotiable subject to whether he can be swayed into ungraciously agreeing to them. You are telling us you are stuck and you are considering ending the relationship. You need counseling to hopefully work through this and not end the relationship. Tell him that. Either we go to counseling or I can't do this anymore. Be specific on the goals with him. We need a neutral third party to help us with several issues. Those issues include: our differing past understanding and expectations about what was allowed; my need to process what feels like a betrayal to me with your support, not your anger; our need to learn how to let each other hold differing opinions and feelings without trying to have our point of view always "win;" how to negotiate a solution when we hold these differing views; and how to recognize if we want such different things from the relationship in the future that we can't negotiate a solution and we should move on separately. This is obviously a suggested list, take from it what you will. 5. Perhaps to heal you need to hear the details from him, if you haven't already, and maybe you need to speak to her to confirm his version of events. If you do the latter, I would not allow any lag time between telling him what you need to do and doing it. I say this because there seems to be doubt in your mind, and certainly among many of us reading this, that you have the full shape of the story, and without that, how can you start to learn to trust again? Good luck. 3
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What he wont do is admit he was wrong. He is adamant he only did what was allowed. He wont even consider that some fault lies with him. The best he will concede is that there was a misunderstanding that lead to something terrible. If he had that time again he would clear that misunderstanding. He just wont admit to any fault, he wont say he is wrong. I think that's what I need to hear, not just sorry, buy sorry I was wrong. I don't know why it is such a big hurdle for me but that one thing is holding me back from making an effort to repair the relationship. For many BS's the primary requirement for reconciliation is a remorseful spouse. If he can not see that he is in the wrong, then then he is not remorseful. By every indication that you have described, he is not remorseful in the least. It's up to you to decide if his self-entitlement (i.e. lack of remorse) to his "bucket list" is a deal-breaker or not for reconciliation. Analogy: when I was in a teenager/early 20's I remember friends saying that "if we are both single by the age of 30, then we'll just marry each other". I remember several guy/girl friends agreeing to this so-called pact. Did they actually mean it and follow through with it? NO! It was for fun. I see this situation in two possible ways. One, he is a total idiot to think that a 7 year old bucket list is a green light to have sex with another woman. Two, he is conniving and used it to cover his ass and to put you on the defensive for being upset. 3
Author a hole in my bucket Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 I see this situation in two possible ways. One, he is a total idiot to think that a 7 year old bucket list is a green light to have sex with another woman.. I don't like to call him an idiot, however I do believe he was in this case. It is not indicative of him as a man though. Two, he is conniving and used it to cover his ass and to put you on the defensive for being upset. What I don't understand is why he wouldn't have just said nothing at all rather than elaborate scheme to do the deed, tell me, then deflect the blame. It makes no sense.
worldgonewrong Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It is not indicative of him as a man though. Oh, but it IS indicative of him as a man. His action is a crystal-clear self-portrait of the kind of man he is. What I don't understand is why he wouldn't have just said nothing at all rather than elaborate scheme to do the deed, tell me, then deflect the blame. It makes no sense. It makes perfect sense: he wants kudos for having been honest & direct by telling you, but doesn't want to absorb any blame for the awfulness & secrecy (pre-hook-up) of the act. In his mind, it's very air-tight...and HIGHLY manipulative toward you. You need to step on that s__t, pronto. Do you see the big picture here? Let me spell it out: he does NOT respect you. Any man who respects his woman wouldn't pull this stunt and then try to justify it. He's a narcissist, too.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 What I don't understand is why he wouldn't have just said nothing at all rather than elaborate scheme to do the deed, tell me, then deflect the blame. It makes no sense. It's a preemptive strike to absolve him of any guilt. Now he has put the burden on you to "get over it". 5
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It's a preemptive strike to absolve him of any guilt. Now he has put the burden on you to "get over it". a hole in my bucket, given that this happened in your circle of friends, what do you think would have happened had he slept with her and NOT told you about it? Would you still have found out ? There's an old Chinese saying - three people can keep a secret as long as two of them are dead. I can't decide which sin is more egregious - the stupidity of sleeping with her or the sociopathy of gloating to you about it... Mr. Lucky 3
awkward Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Have you logged online and checked your phone records to see if he has had any contact with the OW prior to their chance meeting or since? 2
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Have you logged online and checked your phone records to see if he has had any contact with the OW prior to their chance meeting or since? Are the rest of us BSs just not "on the ball today" or what? Jeepers. How did this take until page 5? 1
awkward Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I don't know DOT. First thing I thought was that he has been having an affair with her. She might be pressuring him to leave. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been seeing her for about 7 or so years. But then again, maybe he is just an idiot. I am not a BS. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 . I know if I wanted to that we could hook up but I am better than that. I am not going to sell myself for a revenge **** and possibly lose the friendship as well as my marriage.I honestly think your marriage is over in spirit. Your marriage might not be over legally but the trust has been shattered. TRUST is the essence of a marriage and more "real" to me than legal papers. If I were in your shoes, I'd go about making those legal papers conform to reality, i.e. I'd file for divorce. I'm sorry, but your husband's actions are almost comically...idiotic. Cheat on you then whip out a 20 year old piece of paper likely written as a joke? I mean really? I find this surreal...more like the plot of a stupid sitcom episode than real life. While I do think it was a silly idea for you two to write this "bucket list" in the first place, your husband's use of it to justify his cheating is mind-blowing. His maturity level must be that of a 15 year old's. If you file for divorce, is he going to show this "bucket list" to the judge? I just...I don't even...what... 2
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