Being a priority

[bellasue]

One thing always bothered me in my relationship with xMM. There was a certain time of day when it was "off limits" to contact him because he was with his wife. I understand the concept. However, especially on days we were intimate, it bugged the crap out of me that he couldn't bother to say thanks or thinking of you. I was literally NEVER the first priority. And it ALWAYS bothered me. He was never quite sure how to deal with that reality. Like he knew I deserved more, but wasn't willing to make the extra effort in an attempt to make sure SHE didn't get hurt. I actually think that's where our relationship went wrong.....I didn't want more respect and/or time.....I demanded it! And he knew any confident and strong woman would feel the same!!!!

 

That's twisted. Ladies and gentlemen, in our relationships we should ALWAYS be a priority! Don't accept the breadcrumbs. We are ALL worth so much more!!!!

[who_am_i]

I too demanded respect (at least what I thought respect was at the time) and xMM would often say things like..."I know you need more. I want to give you more. I'm trying to do the best I can".

 

Truth? Who knows!

 

Does it matter?

[who_am_i]

Married people can't deliver.........it's that simple.

 

Many of them talk the talk, but words aren't worth much unless they are backed up with clear and concise action.

 

I know that...now.

 

At the time I was naive to all of it. Unfortunately, there are just some things that I had to find out on my own...the hard(est) way.

[Finally Settled]

Sadly, while in an affair, you are able to make neither the betrayed spouse nor the affair partner a priority. Neither are getting what they deserve from a partner.

Edited May 29, 2013 by Finally Settled

[So happy together]

I never felt this way.

[Finally Settled]

I never felt this way.

 

My other woman said she never felt it either, but the reality was I could make neither of them a priority. Whether her needs were less than what I felt I needed to give, I don't know. I do know I wasn't able to give myself evenly between them and it was unfair of me to try.

[Goodbye]

I was very busy with my own life and children, so in a way, it was good that my exMM wasn't always available to me. I did feel a big, dark hole in our relationship on the weekends/holidays my kids were with my ExH. I'd want to talk to my exMM and knew I couldn't just call him because he was likely with his W and son. It was awkward and it did breed resentments. I also resented that he could call me at any time, knowing he'd catch me alone in my bed in the middle of the night. He "allegedly" slept in the guest room, and yet he never extended ME the invitation to call him in the middle of the night if I was the one unable to sleep. Again, little things like this breed resentment.

[Praying4Peace]

I was very busy with my own life and children, so in a way, it was good that my exMM wasn't always available to me. I did feel a big, dark hole in our relationship on the weekends/holidays my kids were with my ExH. I'd want to talk to my exMM and knew I couldn't just call him because he was likely with his W and son. It was awkward and it did breed resentments. I also resented that he could call me at any time, knowing he'd catch me alone in my bed in the middle of the night. He "allegedly" slept in the guest room, and yet he never extended ME the invitation to call him in the middle of the night if I was the one unable to sleep. Again, little things like this breed resentment.

 

After my separation he'd text me anytime he woke up in the middle of the night but I couldn't do that same. Sometimes I wanted to as well.

[underwater2010]

Yes....every person is worth more than breadcrumbs. But the catch is that you will NEVER get that with a MM. They are to busy leading another life to give someone all the time and support that they need.

[sybo24]

the only time I was a priority was when I was in his arms. At all other times I came down the list after work, friends, wife and children.

 

I ask myself why I was satisfied with this but with children at home, work, friends and a sick mother, he wasn't my priority either.

 

Now I want a relationship that makes our relationship one of the top priorities on both of our lists.

[Athens]

Sing it sister..as women, we do allow others to control our value and self worth way too much...stay strong and never, ever settle again...

[So happy together]

My other woman said she never felt it either, but the reality was I could make neither of them a priority. Whether her needs were less than what I felt I needed to give, I don't know. I do know I wasn't able to give myself evenly between them and it was unfair of me to try.

 

This is a good point. However, for us, it was never just having an affair. We embarked on a R and the entire time it was just a means to an end. I always got the lions share of attention from him, still do. We're in an open relationship now and I get all of the attention. Don't forget, I also have other things that fill my time, a job, children, social obligations etc. I do not sit at home by the phone and wait for him to call then go running to him. So, when we could both make time, we did. As time went on we were spending more and more time until there was a Dday and he left.

[thefooloftheyear]

Sing it sister..as women, we do allow others to control our value and self worth way too much...stay strong and never, ever settle again...

 

With all due respect...If you knowingly got into an affair with a married guy, then you would have had to at least assume that you would, on soime level, "not get the whole loaf of bread"..so to speak. To assume otherwise would be insulting the intelligence of anyone outside of a total ignoramus.

 

It kills me sometimes..Irs OK to villianize someone if it makes you feel better..BUT...

 

Everyone needs to accept THEIR part in the mess...

 

Its almost like walking up to pet the stray Rottweiler and then bittching that it took a bite out of you..

 

TFY

Edited May 29, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Quiet Storm]

My post doesn't just apply to affairs. It can apply to regular romantic relationships, parent/ child, friends, etc. There are givers and takers in many different kinds of relationships.

 

A person feels as if they are being treated poorly in a relationship. That person speaks up and tells the other partner what they need and expect- they deserve more.

 

The neglectful partner gives excuses as to why they are unable to meet the partners needs OR they say they will try to do better.

 

Nothing changes. The relationship continues.

 

The neglectful partner sees the continued involvement in the relationship as acceptance. They think, if what I am giving isn't good enough, then she wouldn't stay. Why should I give more, if the bare minimum is acceptable? She may say it's not acceptable, here she is. If it was THAT important, if it was such a big deal to them, then they wouldn't put up with this.

 

People are like toddlers in this way. You can tell a toddler all day long what you expect from them, but if there are no consequences, they are not prompted to change.

 

Actions speaking louder than words works both ways. If an AP says she is tired of waiting & feeling marginalized BUT still continues to meet the WS needs (not just sex, but validation & attention), their actions do not say that they deserve more. Their actions say that they accept this.

 

And this can erode respect in a relationship. If you know you deserve more, but keep accepting less, eventually the "taker" will begin to devalue the giver because the giver is not valuing herself.

[SweetBella1]

I can understand that feeling even though I didn't experience much of it myself during my A.

 

I was a MM's dream. I didn't expect to be MM's #1 priority because it was understood from the get-go that our spouses came first. I was super chill about his time at home, and his time with his W. I understood because I have my own family, my own life. How could I ask him to make me number #1 priority when I couldn't possibly make him MY #1 priority?

 

Toward the end I discovered that he was often texting me in the evenings while sitting in the living room with his W. I told him that he should NEVER text me when she was with him, as if we weren't being disrespectful to her enough?! He had to text his OW while his W was sitting right there on the couch across from him? OMG

 

Unfortunately my relaxed approach didn't do anything to keep MM from being uber possessive and complicating the A until he demolished it.

[So happy together]

You were in a ea for years, and you live far away from each other, even now, right? I'm confused since some of your posts seem to conflict with others.

 

Hm. Not sure how they could conflict since they are just truthful. As I've said before, yes, we knew one another for years, were close, but as I have also said, I don't know if you could classify it as an EA. So... there's that. And yes, for now, we are living far away, but we travel to see one another often, I just spent a week with him. He'll spend a couple with me in a month or so. We are in constant contact, and I do get all of the affection. He gives all of his time for me, even if it is skype, phone, texting, emails, visits, etc. We are simply in a temporary LD relationship. It is still a full, well rounded relationship.

[thefooloftheyear]

 

 

Now now... let's not villianize Rottweilers.

It is true that there SHOULD be some expectation of compromise if you knew they were married. You SHOULD. But you should also never expect less or feel like anyone is MAKING you settle. You have the option to walk away at any time and if someone is making you feel like less, or like you aren't worthy then you should walk.

You should.

 

 

 

)

 

With all due respect...Your comment basically says that its understood that the relationship is inherently a compromise. But then you shouldnt settle for being a compromise???

 

Huh?

 

I really think in some of these affair based relationships, assuming there was no inherent deception of the staus of the players at the outset. each party is selfishly taking whats theirs and then bittch about it when it doesnt work out in their favor..

 

EVERYONE needs to accept their part. DONT blame someone(on either side) for not wanting to settle or not get what is "ideal" for them..

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

What I meant, is that while you may have to expect that you might sometimes have to compromise, you should never let yourself feel like you are settling.

There IS a difference.

 

 

Please help me here, then....

 

If you knowingly enter into a situation where you know

 

a) you wont be the only one.

b) your time is limited.

c) You might not be the only one he/she is having sex with.

d) There will be times where he/she is absolutely off limits.

 

etc,etc...

 

You enter a "relationship" where you know up front that these are boundaries...Isnt that "setting"?

 

Im not trying to be a pain, just trying to understand the mindset..

 

Regards..

 

TFY

[Athens]

Fooloftheyear, I hear you,,,as a BS, I hear you, but my kudos was for any woman who has decided to take control of their value in a relationship. I believe if more women were to do this there would be dramatically less affairs. Most of the wounded on here are women and that makes me sad, be it of their own doing by being an OW or out of their control by being a BS, too many of us are being wounded emotionally and it's a shame.

[bellasue]

I fully accept my share of the blame in seeing a married man. I guess I always looked at it this way. If I am getting naked with someone regularly and offering myself physically and emotionally, once in a while I SHOULD be the priority. And I don't mean just at the times when we were in bed. Parity of some kind.....show me in some way that I am special in your life.

 

I wasn't asking for more time, or more involvement or even that he shouldn't spend all of the important days with his wife. I just wanted to know that in SOME way our relationship was equally or exceptionally valued.

 

BTW he did say he had sex with his wife a few times a year. Like many, said she just wasn't interested and as far as I can tell it was the truth.

[So happy together]

Nope. Not for me. I knew these are the boundaries, I was OK with those boundaries from the get go. I need the parameters, I set my own boundaries, my own expectations and my dealbreakers.

My relationship with him fits my needs, I get what I want and require from what I have with him. He DOES make me a priority.

I would never come before any of his other "stuff" that wasn't a priority.

Example...

I don't come before his kids, I wouldn't expect to come before his kids if he were single.. but he does put my important stuff over other things, and yes, he does juggle non-important events for important events... no matter who they belong to.

Has he changed plans with me for his kids? Yes.

Has he changed plans with his kids for me? Yep... but that's not something I encourage or he makes a habit of. But, as I just explained to someone else, if I have an awards ceremony on Sat night and his child wants to watch the Avengers, he's coming to the award ceremony with me and they're watching Avengers on Friday or Sunday. He also doesn't drop things with me to go running home for no reason, if we have plans, we have plans.

Life isn't linear.

It's more like clouds of importance. It's not black and white... something I know people hate to see, but in my situation, it's true.

So yes, I understand that he may have a wife, I know he's sleeping with her. I expected that from day 1. I knew that certain days were probably not going to be mine (Shockingly I've been wrong a number of times)and that their anniversary, her birthday, probably Christmas, etc would be off limits times, but since I'm a very busy and fullfilled person PERSONALLY and he ADDS to my life, he ISN'T my life, that's ok.

BUT I also expect to go out with him, I don't hide, I don't expect to be left sitting home alone when we've made plans, I don't expect our relationship to be dramatically impacted simply because he makes the questionable choice to remain married. I want and get vacations, weekends away, weekends together at home, regular date nights, phone calls whenever ( I do not call during bedtime for the kids ever, and honestly opt to not call during evening home time unless it's actually important. I figure if he has time to talk he calls me. We usually talk every night)

I expect him to be with me on days that are important to me, in times of crisis and I don't accept being shuffled off with vague excuses.

In other words, I have a boyfriend that values me, my time and respects that I also have a life.

I don't drop things for him either.

We have a rule.

Would you change those plans if your best friend asked you to?

So if my plans were to lay on the couch in my yoga pants eating ice cream out of the carton and watching bad movies, and my best friend called and said want to go for drinks, would I go? If I would change what I was doing for her I'd probably change what I was doing for him.

The same with him. If he's out playing mini-golf with his kids and his best buddy called and said Hey, I've got tickets to <insert boring sports event here> and he'd say no, then I'd expect him to say no to me.

It's about balance and what's important.

Other than a few small things that I've known from the start, I dont't expect him to act any differently with me than any single guy would.

Would I expect to be the only priority in a single guys life all the time? Absolutely not. Especially if he had kids.

But do I expect that I will sometimes be the #1 priority, absolutely.

If I didn't get that, I wouldnt' be here.

 

I don't know if that makes it clearer or makes any sense.. but it's pretty obvious in my mind.

 

 

I LOVE THIS. I could not have explained it better. And your other post that addressed my situation, you were spot on. You know me, I don't settle for anything. Neither do you.

[letmoc]

For me it all boils down to, if I wake up from a bad dream at 2am can I call you? If I can't because you are in bed with another person, I'm not happy.

[So happy together]

For me it all boils down to, if I wake up from a bad dream at 2am can I call you? If I can't because you are in bed with another person, I'm not happy.

 

This never happened to me either. Although, I didn't do it often, there were times when I had a sick child and needed his emotional support. He would absolutely take the call.

[letmoc]

I just realized I had a sucky AP:D.

[thefooloftheyear]

Nope. Not for me. I knew these are the boundaries, I was OK with those boundaries from the get go. I need the parameters, I set my own boundaries, my own expectations and my dealbreakers.

My relationship with him fits my needs, I get what I want and require from what I have with him. He DOES make me a priority.

I would never come before any of his other "stuff" that wasn't a priority.

Example...

I don't come before his kids, I wouldn't expect to come before his kids if he were single.. but he does put my important stuff over other things, and yes, he does juggle non-important events for important events... no matter who they belong to.

Has he changed plans with me for his kids? Yes.

Has he changed plans with his kids for me? Yep... but that's not something I encourage or he makes a habit of. But, as I just explained to someone else, if I have an awards ceremony on Sat night and his child wants to watch the Avengers, he's coming to the award ceremony with me and they're watching Avengers on Friday or Sunday. He also doesn't drop things with me to go running home for no reason, if we have plans, we have plans.

Life isn't linear.

It's more like clouds of importance. It's not black and white... something I know people hate to see, but in my situation, it's true.

So yes, I understand that he may have a wife, I know he's sleeping with her. I expected that from day 1. I knew that certain days were probably not going to be mine (Shockingly I've been wrong a number of times)and that their anniversary, her birthday, probably Christmas, etc would be off limits times, but since I'm a very busy and fullfilled person PERSONALLY and he ADDS to my life, he ISN'T my life, that's ok.

BUT I also expect to go out with him, I don't hide, I don't expect to be left sitting home alone when we've made plans, I don't expect our relationship to be dramatically impacted simply because he makes the questionable choice to remain married. I want and get vacations, weekends away, weekends together at home, regular date nights, phone calls whenever ( I do not call during bedtime for the kids ever, and honestly opt to not call during evening home time unless it's actually important. I figure if he has time to talk he calls me. We usually talk every night)

I expect him to be with me on days that are important to me, in times of crisis and I don't accept being shuffled off with vague excuses.

In other words, I have a boyfriend that values me, my time and respects that I also have a life.

I don't drop things for him either.

We have a rule.

Would you change those plans if your best friend asked you to?

So if my plans were to lay on the couch in my yoga pants eating ice cream out of the carton and watching bad movies, and my best friend called and said want to go for drinks, would I go? If I would change what I was doing for her I'd probably change what I was doing for him.

The same with him. If he's out playing mini-golf with his kids and his best buddy called and said Hey, I've got tickets to <insert boring sports event here> and he'd say no, then I'd expect him to say no to me.

It's about balance and what's important.

Other than a few small things that I've known from the start, I dont't expect him to act any differently with me than any single guy would.

Would I expect to be the only priority in a single guys life all the time? Absolutely not. Especially if he had kids.

But do I expect that I will sometimes be the #1 priority, absolutely.

If I didn't get that, I wouldnt' be here.

 

I don't know if that makes it clearer or makes any sense.. but it's pretty obvious in my mind.

 

 

Well....what can I say..I take my hat off...Hes lucky and you are...errr....unique...

 

One question? How does he fit through the door with all that cake eating? And does his wife know about you? Do you live in fear that one day she is going to show up at your door?

 

You gotta be the only woman I have ever heard that is completely content with her man having sex with another woman, and being the "sometimes" priority..

 

Gives us poor guys hope that if you look hard enough , you can have the whole deal without blowing your life up...(kidding on that one, too)

 

Heck, I dont get it, but dont get me wrong LFH-I have no issue with it if it works for you . Some guys like watching their wives/gf being pounded by two guys at once..I dont get that either, but if it works who am I to say?

 

 

Maybe I am actually the fool of the Century!!

 

 

TFY

Edited May 30, 2013 by thefooloftheyear