Not totally interested or just laid-back?

[scorpio1978]

So, I have been seeing this man for almost 2 months now. I have written about him before and I tell you what, I know I need to relax and let things happen and not analyze everything he says and does, but this forum is my outlet when I am feeling a little "off" about life, so thanks for reading!

 

Things are going well I suppose and I truly enjoy his company and getting to know him. We had our first sleep over when he invited me to stay at his place the other night. It was pretty cute. He gave me a t-shirt to sleep in and laid out a toothbrush for me the next morning and we even spent the next day and night together making dinner. I have met part of his family and he talks about future plans such as where we should go on our next date, etc. I should be pretty stoked, right? Problem is, as great as he is when we are together, once the week starts and we both work, he will go days without even talking to me. No initiation of contact what-so-ever. Max time has been about 4 days before I give in and shoot him a text or call. If I didn't do that, who knows how long we would go! Seems really hot and cold to me and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. I feel like a yo-yo.

 

It really makes me wonder if he is just "going through the motions" of us dating and doing what you're supposed to do or if this is actually going well. I had a similar situation where I fell for a guy when things were going well like this and he dumped me out of the blue for "no spark". I might be a little scarred and waiting for the ball to drop with this new guy, but am wondering if anyone has any pointers for me to just relax and go with the flow?? Is it normal for someone who you are dating and sleeping with to just get so preoccupied with work and such that you are not a factor and then have him turn around and be full blast?

[carhill]

When you do call (recommended over texting), what is his response?

 

Remember, neither women nor men are mind readers. As much as we might want our lovers and spouses to read our minds and instinctively understand our innermost desires, don't expect it to happen. Communicate.

[Estate]

So, I have been seeing this man for almost 2 months now. I have written about him before and I tell you what, I know I need to relax and let things happen and not analyze everything he says and does, but this forum is my outlet when I am feeling a little "off" about life, so thanks for reading!

 

Things are going well I suppose and I truly enjoy his company and getting to know him. We had our first sleep over when he invited me to stay at his place the other night. It was pretty cute. He gave me a t-shirt to sleep in and laid out a toothbrush for me the next morning and we even spent the next day and night together making dinner. I have met part of his family and he talks about future plans such as where we should go on our next date, etc. I should be pretty stoked, right? Problem is, as great as he is when we are together, once the week starts and we both work, he will go days without even talking to me. No initiation of contact what-so-ever. Max time has been about 4 days before I give in and shoot him a text or call. If I didn't do that, who knows how long we would go! Seems really hot and cold to me and it's kind of throwing me for a loop. I feel like a yo-yo.

 

It really makes me wonder if he is just "going through the motions" of us dating and doing what you're supposed to do or if this is actually going well. I had a similar situation where I fell for a guy when things were going well like this and he dumped me out of the blue for "no spark". I might be a little scarred and waiting for the ball to drop with this new guy, but am wondering if anyone has any pointers for me to just relax and go with the flow?? Is it normal for someone who you are dating and sleeping with to just get so preoccupied with work and such that you are not a factor and then have him turn around and be full blast?

 

If you're getting this close to the guy and you're seeing him a while, have a little talk, not overly serious but let him know what you like in a relationship.

See how often he likes to meet up and be in contact once things progress beyond the initial dating.

 

I made a mistake with a girl a long while back like this. She seemed overly casual about things so I felt if I called, texted or asked her to meet up too often, she'd run. She just came off that way.

 

In the end it turned out she was just waiting for me to start making more moves. So who knows, he might just be afraid of scaring you off so playing it a little cool, he's obviously into you a lot.

[scorpio1978]

Carhill, when I do actually call, he usually answers, though if I happen to get his voicemail, he will call me back the same night. Good sign, yes. But, he is also extremely polite. I have seen him in uncomfortable positions where he has been extraordinarily kind. I did tell him that I got the vibe that he was losing interest in me last week when he ignored one text message and then went 4 days without calling me. He seemed surprised and said "Why? Because I got really busy at work? I don't play games". I kindly asked that if he was ever losing interest to please tell me. So, the communication is starting to come out as we get to know each other more, but it takes 30 seconds to send a text and he used to call multiple times a week. Am I asking too much to hear from him more? I almost feel guilty being a pain in the ass when the times we do spend together, I have his undivided attention. I am trying to be low maintenance here.

[scorpio1978]

If you're getting this close to the guy and you're seeing him a while, have a little talk, not overly serious but let him know what you like in a relationship.

See how often he likes to meet up and be in contact once things progress beyond the initial dating.

 

I made a mistake with a girl a long while back like this. She seemed overly casual about things so I felt if I called, texted or asked her to meet up too often, she'd run. She just came off that way.

 

In the end it turned out she was just waiting for me to start making more moves. So who knows, he might just be afraid of scaring you off so playing it a little cool, he's obviously into you a lot.

 

 

Thank you, Estate. It's weird to seek reassurance from strangers, but I guess I needed to hear the "he's obviously into you a lot". Thank you for your time. You have good advice. I will see how it plays out and have a little talk when the time is right.

[FemmeMystere]

Ugh! I hate the hot and cold stuff, it drives me crazy! Obsessively checking your phone for days and wondering if he’s even thinking about you. It’s so confusing and depressing, especially after he seemed so into you the last time you were together. He said and did all the right things, made you feel like a queen… but the next day, it’s like none of that ever even happened. What gives???

 

Let's look at a few things:

 

I have met part of his family and he talks about future plans such as where we should go on our next date, etc.

 

Yay, you met the family! That means you're in, right? Not so fast. How does his family treat you? Are they pleased to meet you, or do they give off a "oh look, it's his new flavor of the month" vibe? Either way, don't read too much into meeting his family or friends. He may have simply brought you along because it was convenient.

 

once the week starts and we both work, he will go days without even talking to me. No initiation of contact what-so-ever. Max time has been about 4 days before I give in and shoot him a text or call. If I didn't do that, who knows how long we would go!

The last part of that statement is particularly telling, almost as much as the first. Outside of a big emergency or other extenuating circumstances, no one is that busy, period. It only takes 10 seconds to send a text. If he can take a break from working to pour a cup of coffee, go to the bathroom or have lunch, he can text you.

 

Is it normal for someone who you are dating and sleeping with to just get so preoccupied with work and such that you are not a factor and then have him turn around and be full blast?

 

Not if he's really into you. Work isn't that busy, and I'm sure he's not working 24/7. Heck, I was recently dating an ER doctor completing his residency. He sometimes worked 80-100 hours a week, but still had time to contact me almost daily. If he's not in touch with you, he's probably not thinking about you until he's lonely, bored or horny. Then he goes on “full blast” because he wants something from you.

 

Does he like you? Sure, but just enough to keep stringing you along, and seeing you at his convenience. He knows you'll always welcome him back with open arms regardless of how neglectfully he treats you. He's "cracked your code," so to speak, and since he knows he can get away with doing just enough to stay in your good graces, you're no longer a challenge for him.

 

This probably isn't the answer you wanted, but I'd be remiss if I failed to point out the glaringly obvious red flags that this guy is giving you. He doesn't sound like a "bad" person, just someone who isn't very interested in you.

 

BUT – Certainly you aren't ready to give up on him, and all hope is not lost. You just need to find out if his interest is genuine, or if he’s just going through the motions to get what he wants from you.

Communication is good, but let his actions be your guide. His words only tell you about 30% of the story, what he does will tell the rest. Don't hunt him down anymore, it’s your turn to be the “laid back” one and observe how he pursues YOU. As difficult as it may be, stop initiating contact with him. No more calls, texts, facebook likes... nothing. This is how you gauge his level of interest in you. When you're the one initiating all of the contact, how can you tell how much he likes you?

 

When you stop chasing him, one of these things will happen: 1) He won't contact you again and drop off the face of the earth. In that case, he did you a favor, because he was going to leave anyway. You’ll have saved yourself a lot of heartbreak right away, instead of down the line after investing time and energy into a doomed relationship. There are 3.5 BILLION other guys on this planet. Let him go, and good riddance. I’d even suggest dating other guys now until the two of you agree to be exclusive, because if he hasn’t agreed to monogamy, he’s probably keeping himself busy with other women, not work. You should follow suit. At the very least, you won’t have to be lonely if things don’t work out with him.

 

Or 2) He'll start to wonder where you went, and he'll come looking for you. When that happens, keep playing it cool. If you go right back to your old ways, so will he. You need to be a little less readable and predictable to him. Don't give him the impression that you’re “old faithful” waiting by the phone, ready to jump for him whenever he calls.

 

 

• When you’re together, enjoy yourself. Be sweet, easygoing (no grilling him on why he hasn’t called), and show him that you’re fun to be around.
  
• When you’re apart, if he doesn’t initiate contact with you, he doesn’t hear from you.
  
• Be more casual about the relationship, don't make it your everything. If it ends, big deal. Someone who's cool with going days without contacting you hasn't earned the right to be taken seriously.
  
• Be much less available than before. If he’s treating you like an option, he shouldn’t be your priority.
  
• Don’t drop everything you’re doing to interact with him either. If you’re so much as painting your nails when he texts or calls, you're busy. He can wait till they’ve thoroughly dried before he gets a reply! Your own needs always come first.
  
• NEVER cancel plans you’ve already made to hang out with him, or keep your schedule free “just in case” he wants to hang out. You have a life outside of him - he is not important enough for first claim or "dibs" on your leisure time.
  
• Keep your hobbies, girls nights out, and continue living your life the way you did before you met him. Don't let him be your everything, and definitely don't ditch your friends. It's so tempting to want to spend every free moment with him, but he's not giving up his life for you. Don't give yours up for him.
  
• Don’t always accept last-minute dates and hangout plans, and when you do get together, don’t let the dates drag on all day. Always be the one to say goodbye first - don't give him an opportunity to get tired of you.
  

 

I highly advise that you cut out the overnight stuff too, for now. Boring and predictable relationship = no “spark.” If you leave him wanting, he’ll naturally want more of you. Not spending so much time with him and making him wait a few days before seeing you creates excitement and will give him something to anticipate, which means you’ll be on his mind more often, and he'll start wondering how much you like him. This is a good thing, because if you don't make yourself a "sure thing," he'll feel compelled to try and win you over completely. If he thinks he already has you in the palm of his hand, he's going to be less motivated to "court" and "woo" you. Chemistry + longing + uncertainty = spark!

 

You won’t need to do these things forever. Once he gets into the habit of treating you like someone he respects and values, you can start to see him more frequently and initiate contact sometimes. Let him lead and you reciprocate. Never give him more than he’s giving you. If you feel like he's taking you for granted again, just go back to being scarce.

Edited May 29, 2013 by FemmeMystere

[scorpio1978]

Wow, a HUGE thank you to FemmeMystere!! I cannot say how much I appreciate your time and amazing advice. I am going to follow through with exactly what you have laid out because the advice is top notch. I certainly hope all it not lost because I like this guy a lot, but I am letting what needs to happen...happen and cutting off initiating contact, etc. Great advice all around. Thank you!!

[scorpio1978]

Ooh, one extra thing though- maybe two. When I met the family, they knew about what I did for a living and where I lived, etc., so he obviously talked about me. His cousin also said "So, we have been instructed not to be weird and ask you a bunch of questions". Makes me think that I am not the "flavor of the month" by any means, but you never know.

 

We work within close proximity to each other and I leave after a 10 hour day, noticing that he is still there, working. So, I know he gets swamped, but you're all right. A text doesn't take that long and who is to say that the two days I get to see him, he isn't spending the other 5 days a week with someone else, doing the same stuff.

 

I think I know what I need to do here and truthfully, if I have to ask if he really is interested in me, then I think it is painfully obvious that he may not really be. I should feel it. Ugh, this sucks!!!

[scorpio1978]

For those tracking and who actually care, I decided to just end it. I thought about calling, but if he didn't answer, I didn't know if I could leave a message like that and might change my mind if I didn't and he called me back.

 

So, I sent a text. Lame, I know, but I think I have more courage than he does clearly. I just told him that I have noticed for the past few weeks that something just doesn't feel right, that his interest is waning and it's causing me to feel badly, be disappointed, and act awkwardly when I do see him. I basically summed it up with something to the effect of needing and wanting more than he does and that I needed to address this rather than pretend nothing is wrong.

 

He never responded. Not sure there is much more to say. I can't say that didn't hurt that there was no acknowledgment at all. I was hoping it would be amicable and we could remain cordial, but I can't expect a man who didn't have the decency to end it with me and instead chose to string me along actually care enough to say "sorry it didn't work out". If anything, it just goes to show that I did the right thing. He doesn't care about me.

 

Moving on and not making this mistake again. When something feels wrong, there is a reason.

 

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it.

[happykat]

True- texting the break up is lame! But good for you for knowing what feels right, and not being strung along any longer!

[scorpio1978]

True- texting the break up is lame! But good for you for knowing what feels right, and not being strung along any longer!

 

Thanks, happykat. I think we know when something feels right or wrong, it's just actually doing what you know you need to that's the hard part, even if it's a short time you have spent with someone. Here is hoping for better things to come.

[jolie_baby]

For those tracking and who actually care, I decided to just end it. I thought about calling, but if he didn't answer, I didn't know if I could leave a message like that and might change my mind if I didn't and he called me back.

 

So, I sent a text. Lame, I know, but I think I have more courage than he does clearly. I just told him that I have noticed for the past few weeks that something just doesn't feel right, that his interest is waning and it's causing me to feel badly, be disappointed, and act awkwardly when I do see him. I basically summed it up with something to the effect of needing and wanting more than he does and that I needed to address this rather than pretend nothing is wrong.

 

He never responded. Not sure there is much more to say. I can't say that didn't hurt that there was no acknowledgment at all. I was hoping it would be amicable and we could remain cordial, but I can't expect a man who didn't have the decency to end it with me and instead chose to string me along actually care enough to say "sorry it didn't work out". If anything, it just goes to show that I did the right thing. He doesn't care about me.

 

Moving on and not making this mistake again. When something feels wrong, there is a reason.

 

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it.

 

So nothing yet? He still haven't wrote back or anything?

[scorpio1978]

So nothing yet? He still haven't wrote back or anything?

 

 

I have heard absolutely nothing from him. I literally work a block away from this man, I mean, I am going to run into him at some point. I guess he thinks it's ok to just blatantly ignore someone. Truthfully, the object was not to get a rise out of him or a response. It was to end my suffering and the constant wonder of things. Now, It's actually worse because I feel like he couldn't care less, which is just sad. I met his family, we planned a trip together, etc. If he got cold feet, then cool, but I was reaching out to be a decent human being and end things formally or at least tell him how I was feeling with the small shred of hope that I was wrong and he was going through some stuff and going to apologize or tell me his phone got destroyed. Something! No excuse for his behavior though. After several hours and no response, I though "Wow, that's odd. Nothing??" and then it started to bother me. I should have just kept my fingers to myself and not texted anything. I think I would have been better off thinking things just fizzled as opposed to feeling discarded. It's a double edged sword now.

[Drseussgrrl]

I have heard absolutely nothing from him. I literally work a block away from this man, I mean, I am going to run into him at some point. I guess he thinks it's ok to just blatantly ignore someone. Truthfully, the object was not to get a rise out of him or a response. It was to end my suffering and the constant wonder of things. Now, It's actually worse because I feel like he couldn't care less, which is just sad. I met his family, we planned a trip together, etc. If he got cold feet, then cool, but I was reaching out to be a decent human being and end things formally or at least tell him how I was feeling with the small shred of hope that I was wrong and he was going through some stuff and going to apologize or tell me his phone got destroyed. Something! No excuse for his behavior though. After several hours and no response, I though "Wow, that's odd. Nothing??" and then it started to bother me. I should have just kept my fingers to myself and not texted anything. I think I would have been better off thinking things just fizzled as opposed to feeling discarded. It's a double edged sword now.

 

So did you end things with him because you really weren't happy, or were you hoping he'd fight for you? Guys tend to know when they're being manipulated in that way.

 

This should have been a conversation you had in person where you plainly and calmly stated your needs, and allowed him to explain himself. I'm dating a dude right now who isn't all that communicative after a month. Last week I didn't hear from him Tues-Fri, but we ended up having a stellar weekend together regardless and I made no mention of it. And just this morning he sent an email inviting me on a camping trip three weeks from now. I just go with the flow, allow him to initiate, say no to plans sometimes and live my life. Men will always do what they want.

 

So often women get caught up in the outcome of something instead of enjoying the moment. Men like to be loved for who they are and not just a role to fill in your life.

 

Anyway, sorry it didn't work out.

[scorpio1978]

So did you end things with him because you really weren't happy, or were you hoping he'd fight for you? Guys tend to know when they're being manipulated in that way.

 

This should have been a conversation you had in person where you plainly and calmly stated your needs, and allowed him to explain himself. I'm dating a dude right now who isn't all that communicative after a month. Last week I didn't hear from him Tues-Fri, but we ended up having a stellar weekend together regardless and I made no mention of it. And just this morning he sent an email inviting me on a camping trip three weeks from now. I just go with the flow, allow him to initiate, say no to plans sometimes and live my life. Men will always do what they want.

 

So often women get caught up in the outcome of something instead of enjoying the moment. Men like to be loved for who they are and not just a role to fill in your life.

 

Anyway, sorry it didn't work out.

 

I tried to have a face to face with him about 2 weeks ago and told him how I felt his interest was dropping off and why and he was apologetic about it and stated he didn't realize that he was being aloof and inattentive. We had a great day the next day and he went right back into his behavior where 4 days would go by with no contact from him. It got to be utterly ridiculous the amount of time he was ok with not speaking to me. I could only initiate so much and after meeting this man's family and friends, I cannot say that I think 4 days of no contact is ok. It started wearing me down.

 

I would have had a face to face again and said all I said in the text, but I could barely get this man to acknowledge me, let alone meet up with me. What really did me in is that we had a great day, followed by the 4 days of no contact, I popped into his office to say hello and he made a comment to a mutual friend in front of me about how he was tired and was planning on sleeping all day on a Sunday, followed by fishing, followed by picking his roommate up from the airport, and other things in between. Sunday is a day we have spent together since we both work so much on the weekdays. He might as well have said "I have no plans to see you this weekend at all". I sucked it up, but the next day, I got a promotion at work and initiated contact and all he had to say was "nice". Wow, thanks!

 

At the point where I sent the text, I had no plans for him to fight for me. It got to be so painfully obvious that he could not have cared less. The simple fact that he has not even made an attempt to respond to me after a full day and a half is just ****ty.

 

But... I am sad. We started off great and had a nice time together. I had high hopes and felt really good about this one. Just a gut feeling like he was a good guy. Too bad I was wrong. Moving on....

[scorpio1978]

 

So often women get caught up in the outcome of something instead of enjoying the moment. Men like to be loved for who they are and not just a role to fill in your life.

 

Anyway, sorry it didn't work out.

 

Darnit!!! I am thankful for your post, but now am second guessing myself, wondering if I did the right thing. Ugh!! Ok...walking away from the computer, putting my phone away and taking a breather.

[Sunshine87]

Scorpio, this guy had checked out of the relationship already. There is nothing more you could've done except prolong the inevitable. Sometimes,people need to learn to accept the things that they cannot change. I'm happy that you set yourself free from this bondage.

 

Don't look back. Hugs