Emjem Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 hello, i'm after some advice. i moved an hour and a half away to the country to be with my partner and his family, where he is originally from. I left my friends and family and have spent 8 years here. I miss the city terribly. We have two young children together. Looking back I have never been really happy, its never been right, and I tried to address our issues with him but he refused to communicate. As a result we separated several months ago. He now realises what he has lost and wants us back, but for me in my mind, I have moved on. After being ignored and invisible for many years something just snapped in me and I realise life is too short. Anyways my problem is I want to move back to where I grew up. I am not happy where I am, I feel really isolated, my nearest friend is 40km away. Its not where I am from and the only reason I am here is because of him and his family. Now that we are not together it doesn't seem like a good enough reason to stay here just to be convenient to him and his family. I feel like I gave up my life and a huge part of who I am and now I want to work on getting it back. I have a huge amount of guilt at moving away with the children, even though its only an hour and a half away and I would work really hard to make it as easy as possible for him to see the kids. He is shocked at only having them every second weekend but that's the reality of the situation we are in. I have family there and feel it would be a fresh start. I feel moving somewhere as a single person I would get out and make an effort to meet people and be involved in life, instead of hiding in my unhappy marriage and not laying any foundations like I have done the last 8 years. I don't know how to get past the guilt at wanting to do this for myself. I am also nervous about the kids, even though I know they are resilient and happy little things that will adapt to anything. They would get to go to school with some of their cousins and I feel like they would love it, even though it would be a shock moving from what they know. Am I being selfish to consider this move? I spend most of my spare time driving back and forth to catch up with friends etc. I can imagine making a life for myself there, whereas where I am now, its not a great place to be single, as in its quite isolating and mainly seems to be happy families around here. Any advice would be appreciated. I feel so guilty but how can I spend the rest of my days here when I feel so lost?
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 How much time does he spend with the kids since you've separated? Moving an hour and a half away, you're limiting his involvement with them. Unless he's already done so himself... Mr. Lucky
grassisorisntgreener Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I don't think 1.5 hours away is unreasonable. That is only a 45 minute drive if you meet half way.
kjm07 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I know that everyone's situation is different but the separation my husband and I went through did result in me returning to the city I was from (rather than a regional area where the only friends I had were not very "accessible" due to routines, physical location etc). We do not have children but months on I regret the decision I made to move. I was convinced that us breaking up was the right thing to do. For 2 years I was convinced it was the right thing to do - for very similar reasons to the ones you have identified. And now I find myself facing the realities of realising that the grass isn't always greener. I too gave up a lot to move with my husband. But it's 6 years later and those things are in the past. I painted a picture that all my problems would be solved by moving back but I find it quite lonely. Friends and family have their own lives too. Yes, they will support you when they can but they have been living their lives for the 8 years you have been away as well. Can the support you need from them be obtained by increasing the frequency of your visits? At least until you are more fixed in your resolve regarding the decision. All I will say is try to be truly honest with yourself. Moving is expensive, it messes with routine and it isn't always the answer to everything. It could also be a good thing, but whether you are the one that wants this or not, think about the realities of being 90 minutes away - for you, for him and for your children. You are bound to feel guilty and even uncertainty - but if you truly believe that this is the right decision to make, you may be more fixed in your resolve. Write things down and make a plan as to how you see it would work with visitation etc. It may be that you have an even clearer plan than before. Good luck. It's not an easy decision to make and can weigh very hard on one's mind.
Author Emjem Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Thank you for your comments... I really feel like moving will give me the fresh start that I need, to create the life I want for myself and children. At the moment my children are shuffled between three houses, my house, their dad's house, and my parent's house who lookafter them while I am at work. I feel like we are gypsies with no permanent home. I am not sure even waiting out the year is in their best interests at all. I realise its not going to be all smooth sailing by moving, and there will be months of sad times while we readjust, and at first it will be lonely, but I feel I will make such an effort to establish new friendships, to have other children over to play - at the moment I am so unhappy I have barely any energy to maintain my own friendships. The kids never have friend's over as this doesn't even feel like our home. I realise I could start putting effort in to establish and create a new life here, but I feel that we will end up moving anyway, and its better to do it when the kids are young and not settled. The guilt I have is un-measurable but I can't spend the rest of my life trying to keep everyone else happy or comfortable, at some point I have to do the things that I want to do. I think once we settle in my children will be happier. I also thing it will provide a stable environment, where at the moment they are constantly asking what day of the week it is, so they can work out which of three houses they will be sleeping in. They are shuffled about constantly. I feel I am just treading water here and that our life is on pause. I'm so torn. I wish I had more courage to make these decisions.
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