toc200 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I do not want to pollute this forum. I simply feel like I am running out of people to talk to (family, certain friends). I do not want to keep bothering these people. They tell me I do not but since I have returned home it seems the question of how I am doing comes up a lot less. I have some really good days. I have some bad days; usually preceded by bad nights where I cannot stop dreaming of the ex-gf. We're back together, we break up and repeat. Almost every night. Jot notes -Together 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 years. Lots of travels. Tonnes of memories as you can guess. She was my first girlfriend. I am currently 24, she is 22. -Broke up Mid February, 2013 mostly mutually but part of me still wanted her. *The stupid little guy* -Few days after break up, the ex apparently hooked up with someone. She apologized. I was hurt. Talked about making it work. Just didn't feel right for one whole day. Kicked her out of the house. -very little contact in first two weeks with exception of trying to tie loose ends of our apartment and other such things. -Spent first month working, losing my **** on the phone with my family and friends, and trying to hang with my friends (usually boozy weekends). -After a month & a half we text each other a little more until a meet up was arranged. Had a few drinks at my place and hooked up two nights in a row. I repeat that I never did before, during or after this feel like this was a rekindling. It just felt great as she is a familiar person and in this whole time I only made out with some girl at the bar (class act) and went on a way too soon breakfast date with another. -She decided we shouldn't play with sex anymore. Week later she wants to see me real bad. Tells me that she wants to be single but Im the most comfortable person for her. We hang out once more. Just an afternoon together. Just hang out. -She tells me she is going back to her hometown. Hit like a train. May never see her again. She wants to see me again but I told her I was busy. Couldn't see her a last time knowing it may be the last. Week later she goes home. -I decided to go back to my respective home town in late April. We texted here and there for my first couple weeks home. She seemed to always text me later on Friday, Saturday (probably lonely with a little liquid courage). After one exchange of her telling me to come visit her, that she misses me she just gives small chat and we just stopped talking; but with no requests of NC from either side etc. -3 weeks later she randomly texts me a "hey whats up". This continues to be simple small chat and she takes a long time to respond or respond with anything more that a couple words. The dumb thing is that I can see when she has read what I sent via iMessage and yet no response for sometimes 15 mins-few hours. Weird. What I have done thus far - I have stopped drinking so bloody much. Its not healthy or cheap. To be fair I do not believe I did it so much as to escape my problems but it being simply a byproduct of early twenty-somethings getting together with their hurt friend. - I returned home. It is far from my favourite place in the world but we never shared anything here and everything in the last place reminded me of her.Plus, I am now near my family and friends. - I have gotten a new job which I start soon. Isn't what I went to school for but it pays decently and I can save a bunch of money for the next place I land because I wont stay here for the winter. - I have started to focus on another language which I had already started to learn fairly well. I see a tuteur twice a week and I organized a social group to practice speaking it via a social website. - More active. I go for walks, jogs, swimming, etc. - I read more on LS than I probably should but this plays into me not wanting to annoy people. - I saw a counsellor three times because I was extremely stressed; so much that it physically was affecting me. She told me that this was just first love. Not many last. All our fights of un-based jealousy and the competition between us for every thing wasn't healthy. She gave me some mental exercises. They helped to a point I guess. Questions/Concerns/All the other stuff 1. How can I stop dreaming about her. I mean I can only do so much for myself when I am conscious but having a bad night really puts a damper on the day. 2. Prior to her I never had a serious relationship and hadn't been with a tonne of girls (I find one night stands to be fairly awkward).I still do not know if I am ready to start approaching girls and seeking to build anything with one of them. However, I am afraid that the longer I go in this "dry spell" the more awkward it will be to approach them. Maybe I am psyching myself out? I knew I wanted more with the girl from the bar but she had to leave and I had to stay with my friends. Is a few months really that long? Should I already be back on the horse? Your thoughts? 3. I know everyone will yell NC at me. And it is fair. This girl really knew how to build me up though when I was down. And even now it seems like she still has that power. Will there ever come a time when the two of us can just talk or am I just going to have to find this in someone else? I apologize for the lengthy read but I just do not know where to turn anymore. Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Hockeyguy19 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 1. Dreams will stay around for awhile, it depends on the person but I'm 2 months out and still don't sleep and I dream about her nightly. It takes time, and yes that sucks. But slowly over time she will fade from your dreams and sleep will get normal again 2. Some people encourage hooking up, the best way to get over someone old is to get under someone new. I don't agree with that, I used to but now I'm older and emotions run deeper. Dating is tricky, you need to be comfortable with yourself first then you can get back on that horse. Going too soon can actually make you miss your ex more as you keep comparing and feeling guilty about it. You also could end up crushing someone else by moving too fast. A few months is nothing, some people wait years before getting involved in something again. There's nothing wrong with going out and meeting new people, it's actually good that you are doing that. But make sure your healed from your ex before you try and start something new, otherwise that baggage is going to come with you. 3. Nc is best for most people. I've broken nc enough times to know what that does to you and it's painful. Trying to be friends with an ex is like trying to be friends with a drug dealer who gives you fee samples when your trying to stay clean. It just gets you hooked again. Nc is for your healing, once you are fully healed and can reach out with indifference, then maybe it could work. But your best to let go, let her go. Your young, you'll find that connection in someone else and it will be better. 3
Author toc200 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 This feeling of not being ready to move forward with someone else really sucks. I dont know what it is but I have had a lot more attention from girls in the past few months than I ever have; Yet I don't feel ready to pursue. I have tried, my friends have introduced me to some girls and I always find something that is a no-go for me. I do not know if I am just making problems because of the ex. I did see a photo in one of my instagram feeds and she looked pretty bad. Kind of felt good lol. I start my job today and have my first random social group meeting tonight that I organized to practice a new language. Keeping busy; lets hope the rest falls in place and the dreams take a hike.
Hockeyguy19 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 This feeling of not being ready to move forward with someone else really sucks. I dont know what it is but I have had a lot more attention from girls in the past few months than I ever have; Yet I don't feel ready to pursue. I have tried, my friends have introduced me to some girls and I always find something that is a no-go for me. I do not know if I am just making problems because of the ex. I did see a photo in one of my instagram feeds and she looked pretty bad. Kind of felt good lol. I start my job today and have my first random social group meeting tonight that I organized to practice a new language. Keeping busy; lets hope the rest falls in place and the dreams take a hike. Congrats on the new job, it's a fresh start and will keep you busy. Your doing the right things with the language group, getting out of the house is key. Keep your mind busy, dreams will slowly fade out and normal sleep will return. Yes the feeling of moving on sucks big time, your heart doesn't want to let go of the ex, and going out with new people causes it and your brain to say no, we want the ex, not this new person. Once you heal more it will fade out. Attention from girls is really good, it means your still wanted and have something to offer. Keep that up, it'll help rebuild confidence and self esteem. Meet new people, nothing wrong with expanding your social circle. As for the Instagram feed, block her man. She may look bad now, but one day you'll see something you don't want to see and it'll be hell, trust me. Cut it off now, fb, twitter etc block her, nc is key (as cliche as that sounds because EVERYONE on here says it) but I know from painful experience that no good comes from it. 1
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