She needs "space".

[higherground5]

Hi people,

 

I'm in a tough position right now. Let me explain myself. I've been friends (not serious friends) with this girl for about 5 years. I met her as a freshman in college, but she left at the end of the year to attend another school. Throughout the next few years we saw eachother every now and then, and we hooked up twice. This girl eventually moved back to where I was going to school, and I called her one day to hang out. Come to find out, her bf broke up with her about a few weeks earlier. We started hanging out more, and we developed feelings for eachother. This went on for about two months, and then suddenly things began to change. As she came off break and went back to work, school, and coping with her new commute, she's been really bitchy every time we hang out to the point where I called her out on it a few times. I started to think that it was me causing her frustration, but she assured me it wasnt me. One would think that it would be the other person, but after talks she assured me it wasnt me (she was starting to get annoyed when i asked her). Anyway, last week I went over to her place and spent the night. She was acting really bitchy all night and in the morning again. So I called her out on it that morning. After we talked, she mentioned that this isnt the right time for this to happen because she sees me putting all of this effort into the relationship, yet she can't because she has so much on her plate with school and work. I was in denial, and I asked her if we could still be together while I give her space, and she said ok. However, I called her two days later to talk about it more because there was never any serious closure. So again, she said she needs time off from this relationship because of the reasons I just mentioned. I then proceeded to take that as a bull**** excuse. I demanded to know why she was doing this, but she wouldnt change her explanation. Now I don't know whether to believe her or not. I did remember she went out with an "old high school friend" a couple of days before, so I don't know if this has any impact on her decision. I just told her to be honest with me for the break up, yet she kept on saying it was because she didnt want to "half-ass" the relationship and she needed this time to get settled with everything else. Should I trust her? I mean as far as I know she's not talking to any other guys. A week before she was telling me she wants things to work and that she does like me. At the end of the conversation, I said if that is her decision there is nothing i can do--so you can come pick up your stuff and I can get mine. When I said this she freaked out, and said, "wait a minute, just because i need some space doesnt mean we are not going to get back together and my feelings arent the same as yours". Then I asked her if it's space she wants, why can't I just give it to her while we are still together. So we agreed to do just that. Now I'm more confused than ever because I don't know what she is thinking. If she was just trying to let me down easy, but I asked for her honesty. I'm just lost and don't know what to do. Since our last conversation, I called her and left a message and texted her in the same day. She called me back the next day and left a quick message saying she would talk to me later. I haven't called or talked to her in about two days. What should I do? I love this girl so much and I see so much potential with her. We are at a time in our lives where we both want to start developing a seroius relationship so we can marry and have kids. Do you think this is a lost cause? Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

 

Tx. colforbin.

[Papillon]

Guy goes to a department store to buy his wife a gift.

 

He gives her the gift, and when she unwraps it, she exclaims "What the hell am I supposed to do with a toy rocket!?"

 

"You wanted your space, now piss off!"

 

 

 

(Sorry, I always tell this joke in "space" threads")

[bluechocolate]

Is there a Space disease going around? Does it have something to do with the new school year? There seem to be an awful lot of people needing their "space" these days.

 

Your post is full of the things the she wants & that she needs. What about what YOU want? You need to figure that out too.

 

Personally I believe this "space" wanting thing is garbage. Who knows? Maybe you will get back together, but in the mean while I wouldn't count on it. Let her have her space. All of it.

 

"wait a minute, just because i need some space doesnt mean we are not going to get back together and my feelings arent the same as yours".

 

It seems to me that she DOESN'T feel the same way as you. You were right to tell her to get her stuff. If she doesn't have time for you right now why should you wait around until she finds the time? This comes back to what YOU want. If it is OK for you to sit back & wait, then I guess you should do it. But if it were OK then you wouldn't be feeling so crappy about it & you wouldn't be posting here, would you?

[Scott S]

A rather rapid transition from "Friends, not serious friends" to "I love this girl so much," it seems. In my experience, a lasting love relationship takes a while to develop from a friendship. Not necessarily always, though.

 

You indicated that you became an item within a short time of her breaking up with someone else. This has possibly make your something of a rebound relationship. Not necessarily doomed to failure, of course, but they are not known for a proven track record of success.

 

It sounds like she does have things to think about & sort through. My advice is to remember that she is your friend, & to give her some benefit of the doubt & some time & space to do this. Don't be confrontational about it. Just tell her how sorry you are to see her feeling like this, that you value the friendship, that you'll give her the space she needs right now.

 

That's all you can do right now. Whether a love relationship ever really develops is not clear. But you certainly don't want to ruin the friendship that you've had.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

Is there a Space disease going around? Does it have something to do with the new school year? There seem to be an awful lot of people needing their "space" these days.

 

Personally I believe this "space" wanting thing is garbage. Who knows? Maybe you will get back together, but in the mean while I wouldn't count on it. Let her have her space. All of it.

 

Space - The Final Frontier!

 

Seriously though, school starting may have a lot to do with it. Heading off & getting back inot an academic routine can be a little overwhelming. Although many years have passed since my collegiate days, I well remember the transition period.

 

Besides that, though, people in a relationship do not (or rather should not) lose their individual identity. When someone says she needs some space, it's likely because their partner has become too close, & is now smothering her rather than enriching her.

 

In a relationship, marriage included, there needs to be some separateness & independence for the relationship to be healthy. Not necessarily a physical spearateness, but a degree of emotional separateness. Each is free to exist as his/her own person as well as a part of a love relationship. Each has their own set of friends that they can spend time with. She can have her "Girl-Talk," he can scratch himself, belch & fart without having to say "Excuse Me," you get the idea.

 

There is no magic formula to determine the right amount either. Each couple is different, each person is different, and the right amount is usually found by trial & error.

 

By the way, if that's your chocolate, you really need to clean out your refrigerator! Or are you making your own penecillin?

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by Scott S

 

Besides that, though, people in a relationship do not (or rather should not) lose their individual identity. When someone says she needs some space, it's likely because their partner has become too close, & is now smothering her rather than enriching her.

 

In a relationship, marriage included, there needs to be some separateness & independence for the relationship to be healthy. Not necessarily a physical spearateness, but a degree of emotional separateness. Each is free to exist as his/her own person as well as a part of a love relationship. Each has their own set of friends that they can spend time with. She can have her "Girl-Talk," he can scratch himself, belch & fart without having to say "Excuse Me," you get the idea.

 

By the way, if that's your chocolate, you really need to clean out your refrigerator! Or are you making your own penecillin?

 

So again, she said she needs time off from this relationship

 

Quite different than maintaining independence within a relationship. She acts distant and bitchy, wants time off of the relationship, then agrees to have space within the relationship when he says they should end it - in my opinion none of these are good signs. I maintain that HE needs to decide what HE wants & act accordingly.

 

But if you feel the need to educate me with any more words of wisdom, please do so.

 

BTW - that's an ancient Roman artifact - the "Bocca della Verita" found in the portico of Santa Maria in Cosmedin in Rome.

[higherground5]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah, that's the point I was thinking as well. So she claims that she still has feelings for me and needs some space, so why does she simply break the relationship up? This is what raised a flag because she could have simply requested space within the relationship. I dont know, girls are very mysterious, and as these signs do indicate something much more than her being busy, all I can do is trust her opinion and remain distant. Also, another thing I forgot to mention, before any of this happened and before she went back to school and her job, she wrote me a letter apologizing in advance if she becomes distant, bitchy, and weird because she gets like that during stressful times. I mean who writes a letter like this? So I don't know what to do man! Should I call her or send her flowers, write her a letter? I mean if she wanted to talk to me, she would call, but she hasnt. The only good solution I can see is to let her go for now. I'm waiting for her because I love her, but I don't want to push her away by trying to get in touch with her. I just wish I could find a way to her heart during these times. I mean I want a woman that I can picture myself with in the future. She has motherly qualities, she's fun and witty, like's a lot of things that I like etc. She is everything I'm looking for. However, on the flip side, I'm not looking for someone who bitches constantly and doesnt look like she's ever satisfied. Still, this only started happening when she went back to school. If her reason isnt legitimate, how can I find the truth? Any suggestions to help me win her back? Tx all.

 

--colforbin

[Scott S]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

So again, she said she needs time off from this relationship

 

Quite different than maintaining independence within a relationship. She acts distant and bitchy, wants time off of the relationship, then agrees to have space within the relationship when he says they should end it - in my opinion none of these are good signs. I maintain that HE needs to decide what HE wants & act accordingly.

 

You're right. They are different.

 

Would you agree that if, during the relationship, one partner is too needy, controlling, co-dependent, etc. that it could escalate to the point of the other needing the time off from the relationship? I doubt that it started with one person suddenly deciding one day that she needs a break. More likely it took some time to get to that point, don't you think?

 

When it does, that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over. If the other tries to be supportive, & give their partner the time & space she needs, & he makes reasonable changes of his own, often the relationship can be renewed. If the parting is rancorous, a reconciliation is much less likely, of course.

 

BTW - that's an ancient Roman artifact - the "Bocca della Verita" found in the portico of Santa Maria in Cosmedin in Rome.

 

I'm sorry. I was joking. The avatar looks like a chocolate coin that's gone bad, between that & your "handle," well...

[Scott S]

Originally posted by colforbin5

Should I call her or send her flowers, write her a letter? I mean if she wanted to talk to me, she would call, but she hasnt. The only good solution I can see is to let her go for now. I'm waiting for her because I love her, but I don't want to push her away by trying to get in touch with her. I just wish I could find a way to her heart during these times. I mean I want a woman that I can picture myself with in the future. She has motherly qualities, she's fun and witty, like's a lot of things that I like etc. She is everything I'm looking for. However, on the flip side, I'm not looking for someone who bitches constantly and doesnt look like she's ever satisfied. Still, this only started happening when she went back to school. If her reason isnt legitimate, how can I find the truth? Any suggestions to help me win her back? Tx all.

 

Right now, maybe a nice card, with a letter saying that you're thinking about her, that you'ew sorry about what all she's going through. Tell her to take the time & space she needs, and that you're willing to accept and abide by whatever she decides. Hopefully this would at least mean that you part amicably, if it comes to that.

 

And as for you, cultivate some other friendships & interests, in order to shift your focus off of her. I'm not saying to jump into a rebound situation, just try to occupy yourself with other things while she sorts out her issues.

[Urban Rubble01]

One thing that worries me about your post is how "bitchy" she was towards you.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years, whom I love more than anything on this planet, just told me she needs her space as well. She's trying to finish her last year of Uni and make up credits all while working. So, she told me she loves me but that she needs time off. The thing is, she didn't seem cold, she didn't change, she hasn't been bitchy and we haven't argued about it at all. I mean, I'm having a hard time believing her anyway, but she has not shown any signs of losing her love for me. In your case, I'd be a little worried about how she's acting towards you, her being cold and rude to you doesn't seem right, if she loves you that is.

 

Sorry to be a downer, I know how bad this can hurt, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

[higherground5]

Yeah, she started to act bitchy right when she started going to class, work, and adjusted to her move. And as i mentioned, she wrote me a letter before all of this happened saying how she would be distant and bitchy because that's how she is when she is overwhelmed. I mean i dont know if this is just how she is or if she's giving me the run around. It just sucks because this is the third girl I fall in love with, and the same thing happens. We thought this would be different because we were friends for so long at first, but it looks like the same situation is happening again. I just love her a lot and I don't know what to do. The last thing I want to say to her is I love her because I'm sure that will send her running more than anything. Now I just feel like it's over even when we did agree we can be together, but she needed space. It seems to me she doesnt know what she wants right now. She's admitted to me that she knows she's being a bitch when we hang out, and that it's not making me happy, and in turn, it's not making her happy either. I mean I just don't get how a girl would be so afraid of something that has the potential to be so great. ahhhh...dont know what to do, but thanks again for the help ya'll.

 

Colforbin.

[Stop]

You were friends for five years, out of the five years how long have you dated.... bf/gf?

[amerikajin]

space = let's stop seeing each other

[Urban Rubble01]

It's funny because the girl who I'm going through all my stuff with was one of my fairly good friends since like 8th grade. We kind of grew apart in high school but we always had a mutual crush and then we finally got together. I love her alot and this has been a perfect relationship so I have hopes that it will work. I think that if you guys really love each other than a break can work.

 

Just play it cool, tell her how you feel in straight up terms and don't push too hard after that.

 

space = let's stop seeing each other

 

That's not always true. Even if it doesn't work out in my situation, I know that she isn't lying when she says she only sees this as a break. Only a cold, callous woman would sit there and say that it'll all work out when I've told her "If you care at all about me and this last 3 years you'll be honest with me even if it's harsh, do you see this as the end or just some time off?" right to her face.

 

I just think that gets thrown around way too often. Sometimes people do in fact just want space. I actually kind of knew we needed it too, eventhough there was no real problems, but I was just too weak to ask for it.

[higherground5]

"You were friends for five years, out of the five years how long have you dated.... bf/gf?" -stop

 

 

We were friends for five years, she had other bf's, I had other gf's. We would IM eachother every now and then, but it was nothing of consistency. When we had the opportunity to see eachother, we would. Id say we saw eachother probably 10 times in the past 5 years. When we started hanging out more, we dated I'd say for about a good solid two months--not long at all. At times she did tell me she wants this to work and she doesnt want to play games, which I agreed. I'm just starting to think I was burden because I wouldnt accept that she was a bitch around me, and I just kept on pushing her to shape up. I'm also thinking that she might have started talking to someone else, but she didnt have the balls to tell me. The only thing that's worth hoping for is that she said she sees potential in this relatinoship, a future, she still cares for me, and she didnt want to get her stuff from my place. So it's either she is stringing me along to find out if she really does have feelings for me, she's pursuing someone else and wants to make sure she has someone to fall back on, or she is telling me the honest truth and she does need time to get adjusted, but she needs time apart to do so. I'm just looking at the worst case scenario here. I mean I'm hoping she is telling me the truth, but how often do girls actually do that even when you ask them for their honesty? I guess it all depends on how much she cares.

 

"space = let's stop seeing each other"

 

See, that's the thing. I don't know if I can trust her. I mean I have no reason not to trust..I've never actually caught her in a lie. But as I said, a girl can twist the truth in order to avoid hurting the other person. I had my suspicions with her because I started having a gut feeling she was talking to someone else. Why? Because she went out with an old high school friend two days before this happened. And that night I called her twice, and she didnt pick up her phone. She called me back later and claimed she "forgot" her phone at home--which was hard to believe because she never goes anywhere without her phone. But she emailed and phoned me to tell me why she didnt answer. So I trusted it was ligit. I just don't know after all this happened. Another thing that signaled a bad sign is that after she broke up with me early thursday morning, she said she would call me that night to talk more about it. No calls for two days. So I called her on saturday to talk about closure and getting over this. So that's when we agreed to be together, but give her space. At the end of the conversation, she asked me what i was doing that night? I mean it was the night of her party--I got a feeling she was making sure I wasn't going. I dont know...I analyze situations way too much. But if she did care at all about this, I'm just curious why she didnt call me back when she said she would.

 

My plan is this--give her two weeks to call me, if she doesnt, then im assuming its over and time to move on. At that point if she doesnt call, I figured I'd call her to say I need my stuff from her place. Is that a good idea?

[amerikajin]

Urban Rubble, I agree with everything you said - good post.

[higherground5]

Also, do you think it would be bad to send her flowers? Would that put more pressure on her?

--forbin.

[higherground5]

Yeah, so I broke down last night. I couldnt take it anymore and I gave her a call, but she was on the phone and I could tell she forwarded me to her voicemail. I new she had a big test yesterday, so then I just texted her saying I hope she did well on the exam. I was just trying to be supportive, was this too much or should I seriously cut off all communication?? This is so hard to do man.

 

Forbin.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by colforbin5

Yeah, so I broke down last night. I couldnt take it anymore and I gave her a call, but she was on the phone and I could tell she forwarded me to her voicemail. I new she had a big test yesterday, so then I just texted her saying I hope she did well on the exam. I was just trying to be supportive, was this too much or should I seriously cut off all communication??

 

I think you did just fine. That was very nice of you.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by colforbin5

Also, do you think it would be bad to send her flowers? Would that put more pressure on her?

 

Are you trying to put pressure on her? I would consider that inadvisable.

 

I recommended a nice card & letter in an earlier post. I stand on that advice for now.

[higherground5]

Scott S,

 

Thank you for your response. I just don't want to appear needy or put pressure on her, so if that's what im doing by calling her or writing her these messages then please tell me to shut my pie hole!! I've read in numerous articles that if a man appears to be emotionally dependent and needy, that it turns the woman off incredibly and sends her running. Do you think this was a good sign of that? I'm going to refrain from sending her anything (e.g., a letter, flowers etc.). I was just annoyed how she blantantly forwarded me to her voicemail. I mean how can she be interested if she doesnt want to talk to me? I didn't leave a voice message, but I'm still thinking it was a bad move to call her. Then at the same time, it's not like I brought up the relationship or anything like that so maybe I'm over reacting. I just sent a simple text "Hope you did well on your exam today". Any thoughts?

 

 

Also, I'm starting to approach the point where I should write her a letter saying I agree with her decision, and I've actually thought about needing space and time to myself as well. Do you think that's a good idea and would increase the chances of her coming back to me? Scott S. Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate it. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I would appreciate your honesty.

 

--Forbin.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by colforbin5

Thank you for your response. I just don't want to appear needy or put pressure on her, so if that's what im doing by calling her or writing her these messages then please tell me to shut my pie hole!! I've read in numerous articles that if a man appears to be emotionally dependent and needy, that it turns the woman off incredibly and sends her running. Do you think this was a good sign of that? I'm going to refrain from sending her anything (e.g., a letter, flowers etc.). I was just annoyed how she blantantly forwarded me to her voicemail. I mean how can she be interested if she doesnt want to talk to me? I didn't leave a voice message, but I'm still thinking it was a bad move to call her. Then at the same time, it's not like I brought up the relationship or anything like that so maybe I'm over reacting. I just sent a simple text "Hope you did well on your exam today". Any thoughts?

 

You're right. Acting needy, controlling, codependent, etc. tends to repel. It doesn't sound like you've been that bad about it. I think you're overreacting just a little.

 

Can she forward a call to voice-mail? It's been my understnding that a call goes to VM automatically if she's on a call. I think you're reading too much into that.

 

Your text message was very thoughtful, & not out of line.

 

 

Originally posted by colforbin5

Also, I'm starting to approach the point where I should write her a letter saying I agree with her decision, and I've actually thought about needing space and time to myself as well. Do you think that's a good idea and would increase the chances of her coming back to me? Scott S. Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate it. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I would appreciate your honesty.

 

As I posted earlier, a nice card (not excessively sentimental) with a letter saying that you're thinking about her & hoping that she's doing well, etc. If you feel you need some time & emotional space yourself, then say so. Tell her this was a good idea after all, that you could use the opportunity to think & refocus yourself.

 

With a view to that last point, you should actually DO that yourself. Cultivate some other friendships, interests, & other things to broaden yourself & divert the focus off her. Whether it increases the chances of her returning is unclear, but it will help YOU cope with what is taking place.

[higherground5]

Thanks again.

 

"Can she forward a call to voice-mail?" --Scott S

 

Yeah, if she's on the phone you can accept or reject an incoming call. If you reject it sends you straight to voicemail. If her phone was off, it would just go directly to her voicemail. I'm just curious as to why she did this. And if i should make something out of it or not.

 

I actually just received an email from her: "Forbin, Thanks for my text message, sorry I missed your call. I did so very horribly on my test, came home watched the game, drank some wine and passed out quite early... such a good time. Anyway, I hope that things are well with you. I can't wait for this week to be over and it's only half-way over! byeeee mistress"

 

I mean this is clearly different from her previous emails because she would say "dearest forbin" and end with xoxoxox. What's up with that? I mean i dont know what to think of this email. She didnt say she misses me or anything. Though I guess it's a good sign she actually even wrote back. Should I write back to her, or present myself as a challenge and wait a few days or something??

 

Forbin

[Scott S]

Yeah, if she's on the phone you can accept or reject an incoming call. If you reject it sends you straight to voicemail. If her phone was off, it would just go directly to her voicemail. I'm just curious as to why she did this. And if i should make something out of it or not.

 

She didn't want to take the call at that moment. Maybe she was talkng to someone whom she had been playing phone-tag with. I would not make much of it.

 

I actually just received an email from her: "Forbin, Thanks for my text message, sorry I missed your call. I did so very horribly on my test, came home watched the game, drank some wine and passed out quite early... such a good time. Anyway, I hope that things are well with you. I can't wait for this week to be over and it's only half-way over! byeeee mistress"

 

I mean this is clearly different from her previous emails because she would say "dearest forbin" and end with xoxoxox. What's up with that? I mean i dont know what to think of this email. She didnt say she misses me or anything. Though I guess it's a good sign she actually even wrote back. Should I write back to her, or present myself as a challenge and wait a few days or something??

 

At least she responded.

 

The e-mail is different because your relationship has changed. I would say she considers terms of endearment as inappropriate, & that she doesn't want to convey the wrong impression or raise false hopes. It is too early to determine whether you will have a love relationship with her again, but for now...

 

I would wait a few days before responding. If the weekend weather forecast for your area is favorable, maybe take a short trip someplace, or go fishing or something.

[higherground5]

"At least she responded. " --scott s

 

Yeah, I'm glad she did, but at the same time I wish she showed more endearment. Is that normal communication when a girl says she wants space? I mean I'm still lost as to where I stand; we say we are together, but it doesnt feel like it, and im giving her space--does that include she can't show endearment or are her feelings are changing? Is this normal? Also, I'm starting to believe there isnt another guy, because why would she write me an email if all of her attention is focused on him? Unless, that person was on the phone with her when I called.

 

In regards to the email, should I inquire something about hanging out in the near future..maybe grabbing a beer and seeing a movie? or should I wait for her to make plans? I know it's not good to bring up anything about the relationship, and I won't. Thanks.

 

Forbin