Cluelez Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and would really appreciate all your help to this situation I'm in. Well, I'm married to a great guy for 2 years now. Our marriage is not on the best term right now, because my husband and I haven't had sex for a year and a half. He had PTSD from his time in Iraq and is a little reluctant about getting treatment. Long story short, we're more like roommates than spouses. Anyway, I'm going back to school right now for med school and I'm loving it. The only problem is that I developed a crush on one of my professors. Now, I want to make it clear that I will NEVER act on it b/c 1, I'm married and still love my husband, 2, my professor is also married. I'm just a little confused about all these feelings and emotions going through my head right now. "John", my professor, is not what anyone would call cute or good looking in any way, but he is an incredibly sweet and nice person. Since I haven't been to school in a few years, getting back into it is a little hard, so I've been going into John's office quite often asking for help. At first, it was just innocence talks about school and how my other classes are going and such. But after a few weeks, I started to look forward to our once-a-week office talks. I can't tell if he's being nice or was flirting with me, but he's paying extra attention to me as well. For example, I'm the ONLY one he EVER call out by name in the middle of lectures to answer a question, everytime we talk, either in class or in his office, he always complements me on how smart I am. He and I also have a couple of inside jokes about one of my professor on campus, which he brings up a lot. And lately, a lot of complements on how I look, ie, he said I have a 'beautiful smile,' how he likes my outfits, or innocently asking me to join him on occasional coffee breaks b/t his classes, which I always declined. And today, after a long weekend break, I went to his office today to turn in a paper, he gave me another off subject complement about how my smiles is just 'so pretty'. Is he flirting with me? I'm not good with all this flirting stuff for starter, but I can't be sure if he's flirting with me and I just don't notice it (a classmate of mine told me he's def flirting with me but I never payed attention to it), or am I just conjured this up in my head to escape my sad reality of a marriage? I'm just confused and....well, confused. Please help.
threelaurels Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 As a grad student and professor, this is a line you don't even want to think about crossing. He has the power to ruin your future career. Whether or not he is flirting is irrelevant, you have feelings for him and that makes your contact with him dangerous. You need to have limited contact with him and only talk to him about things that are academic. Have you tried marriage counseling with your husband? He has probably been through more than you or I could imagine. I think he really needs your support and full attention if you want your relationship with him to work. Marriage counseling is definitely the way to go, in addition to IC. 1
The Way I Am Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Unless the events took place only in your head, yes, talking about your pretty/beautiful smile and asking you to coffee is flirting. Since he's married, whether or not he has any intention to take it further than that is unknown. The important question here is why does it matter to you? You've thought about it so much that you're asking friends and strangers, but you say you would never act on it. If that's really true, you should stop spending time with this man before it leads somewhere you'll regret. 1
georgia girl Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 If he's flirting with you is not really the point. It sounds to me like your marriage has issues and you're working on going back to school and your husband is working on avoiding his PTSD. No one is working on the marriage. So, now you've found a port in the storm. He's nice, he's someone you look up to and he LIKES you. It is way too easy to make a bad decision here. Read the stories on this board. That could be you. Instead, distance yourself from this guy. Work on school and find a way to work on your marriage together. If it isn't going to work out, then work on getting out of your marriage with the least amount of damage possible and then restarting your dating life. Everything else is just asking for trouble. Heaps and heaps of trouble. And heartache. Save yourself. 1
Author Cluelez Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Unless the events took place only in your head, yes, talking about your pretty/beautiful smile and asking you to coffee is flirting. Since he's married, whether or not he has any intention to take it further than that is unknown. The important question here is why does it matter to you? You've thought about it so much that you're asking friends and strangers, but you say you would never act on it. If that's really true, you should stop spending time with this man before it leads somewhere you'll regret. Hi The Way I Am, thank you for replying to my post. I know it should not matter to me whether he's flirting with me or not, but I couldn't help being curious. The subject of "John" was brought up by my friends, I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to anyone, and they got me to notice his behaviors toward me. But no, I could never take it any further because I love my husband too much to betray his trust in me, I could never forgive myself if I hurt my husband. All I can do right now is focus on the finals coming up and hope by summer time, "John" will be all in the past.
Author Cluelez Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 If he's flirting with you is not really the point. It sounds to me like your marriage has issues and you're working on going back to school and your husband is working on avoiding his PTSD. No one is working on the marriage. So, now you've found a port in the storm. He's nice, he's someone you look up to and he LIKES you. It is way too easy to make a bad decision here. Read the stories on this board. That could be you. Instead, distance yourself from this guy. Work on school and find a way to work on your marriage together. If it isn't going to work out, then work on getting out of your marriage with the least amount of damage possible and then restarting your dating life. Everything else is just asking for trouble. Heaps and heaps of trouble. And heartache. Save yourself. Hi Georgia girl, it's a really good point you brought up about the situation with I and my husband. He was getting treatment for a while, but the sessions ran out, due to government regulations. Also, "Pat", my husband, is finishing up on his MBA and we both agreed to stop the therapy b/c it might be too much for him to open this can of worm and finishing up grads school at the same time. I think you're right about John being a safe port for me right now, something else to think about rather than focusing on fixing my own problems. I often talk myself out of it, but seeing and interacting with him everyday is just making it so much harder for me to keep a clear head on my shoulder.
The Way I Am Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 It's natural to feel flattered by positive attention when things aren't going that great in your relationship. What matters is how you deal with it. The more you allow yourself to spend alone time with this guy John, the more you'll start to develop feelings for him. You really should cut out the office talks. Maybe use that time instead for something constructive toward your marriage. Like something special you can do for your husband. Or even use that time you would have spent going to see John to do something special for yourself. 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Everyone is giving you great advice, I just wanted to add a few things: Right now you and your husband are not connecting. You are getting attention from John, and you sense it and he senses that you sense it...he's pushing the envelope with the compliments...there's tension. Obviously, your friends have seen it too. I think its also because you're in med school. Its the type of thing that is so central in your life that you naturally bond because you both understand the subject and are passionate about it. This is the second level of danger, the disconnect at home being the first. IF something happens between you two you will be in a ton of crap. You do not have time to go into 'heartbreak' mode. You're in med school! You can't quit and get away from him or move bc campus is a trigger. I'm sure you've worked hard to get to this point and if this relationship goes down the path many, many, many on here have gone down you will be left jeopardizing your career and lifelong dream, your marriage and its future, and your mental health. That's a lot to sacrifice for some attention from John. Have you told your H about him? Since nothing has happened, really, mention it. Don't make it a secret. It'll become a smaller deal. You can laugh that your professor has a crush on you...wonder if he picks one every semester! It'll kill the secret feelings on your end, and if your H is a normal redblooded man, he will look at your more attentively and you can get all that attention at home. I'm NOT saying to make him jealous on purpose but if you are just sharing this it'll bring you closer together and he will be on high alert. It's very different if you actually were having an affair- that type of jealousy is a recipe for disaster and mistrust. I hope no one misunderstands. You actually are at the perfect point to turn this whole thing around. 2
spice4life Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Great advice so far! I want to add that you should be ticked off that he's flirting with you. He is in a position of authority and he's stepping over the line. You are there to learn and hopefully will become a well respected physician one day. Look at it in those terms. Draw the line and thrive to be respected for your abilities and most importantly - your brain. You can be an attractive woman and command respect at the same time. Don't let him sully that up for you. Don't let the stress in your marriage blurr your thinking. Take charge and do something about it. Pay for counseling if you have to. It's an investment in your future whatever the outcome is. 3
Author Cluelez Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Everyone is giving you great advice, I just wanted to add a few things: Right now you and your husband are not connecting. You are getting attention from John, and you sense it and he senses that you sense it...he's pushing the envelope with the compliments...there's tension. Obviously, your friends have seen it too. I think its also because you're in med school. Its the type of thing that is so central in your life that you naturally bond because you both understand the subject and are passionate about it. This is the second level of danger, the disconnect at home being the first. IF something happens between you two you will be in a ton of crap. You do not have time to go into 'heartbreak' mode. You're in med school! You can't quit and get away from him or move bc campus is a trigger. I'm sure you've worked hard to get to this point and if this relationship goes down the path many, many, many on here have gone down you will be left jeopardizing your career and lifelong dream, your marriage and its future, and your mental health. That's a lot to sacrifice for some attention from John. Have you told your H about him? Since nothing has happened, really, mention it. Don't make it a secret. It'll become a smaller deal. You can laugh that your professor has a crush on you...wonder if he picks one every semester! It'll kill the secret feelings on your end, and if your H is a normal redblooded man, he will look at your more attentively and you can get all that attention at home. I'm NOT saying to make him jealous on purpose but if you are just sharing this it'll bring you closer together and he will be on high alert. It's very different if you actually were having an affair- that type of jealousy is a recipe for disaster and mistrust. I hope no one misunderstands. You actually are at the perfect point to turn this whole thing around. Hi Praying4peace, thank you for your kind words. I and John had not done anything further than just talking, and I'm trying to tread lightly since I know I have a little crush on him, whether or not he likes me back, I don't know for sure. But since I felt like I was betraying my husband mentally, I told him everything about John. He just doesn't care at all. He said it's normal for other men to find me attractive, but as long as we're not taking it any further, he's fine. Which is just really weird to me, but hey, Pat could reacted worst and get all crazy about it, right? And no, I do not intend on taking it any further. I'm avoiding going into John's office now and looking for other, female, professors to help me with my work. I know what's at stake here and err on cautions. The only thing that's bothering me is what I'm feeling, and I just wanted to ask you guys here for advice, which I've been getting a lot. Great advices too, thank you so much !
Author Cluelez Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Great advice so far! I want to add that you should be ticked off that he's flirting with you. He is in a position of authority and he's stepping over the line. You are there to learn and hopefully will become a well respected physician one day. Look at it in those terms. Draw the line and thrive to be respected for your abilities and most importantly - your brain. You can be an attractive woman and command respect at the same time. Don't let him sully that up for you. Don't let the stress in your marriage blurr your thinking. Take charge and do something about it. Pay for counseling if you have to. It's an investment in your future whatever the outcome is. Hi Spice4life, what I'm not sure of is if John was flirting with me or it's just him being nice, that's why I'm here questioning in the first place. But yes, I'm treading lightly and trying to avoid him altogether in school except for lecture hours. The thing is, I want marriage counseling with my husband, but he doesn't want to at the time. His reason is b/c he's focusing on his thesis right now for grad school, he doesn't want to have anything distracting him from it. We agreed to start counseling in 6 months once he graduated and I'm in my second year, which is legit at the time, but as time grows, I just grow more confused and well, distracted. Don't know what to do anymore but focusing on school, not John nor my husband, right now.
The Way I Am Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Hi Spice4life, what I'm not sure of is if John was flirting with me or it's just him being nice, that's why I'm here questioning in the first place. But yes, I'm treading lightly and trying to avoid him altogether in school except for lecture hours. The thing is, I want marriage counseling with my husband, but he doesn't want to at the time. His reason is b/c he's focusing on his thesis right now for grad school, he doesn't want to have anything distracting him from it. We agreed to start counseling in 6 months once he graduated and I'm in my second year, which is legit at the time, but as time grows, I just grow more confused and well, distracted. Don't know what to do anymore but focusing on school, not John nor my husband, right now. Respect for your handling of the situation so far. Good call on finding a female professor. Good luck with med school, and I hope you and your husband can work things out in the near future.
Recommended Posts