fiftyofsomethin Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hey guys, So I haven't actually posted lately about my current struggles with moving on after my breakup. And that is mostly because I personally think I have been doing really well for the most part. However, I have been getting this feeling based on a few factors that she is starting to see someone or at least thinking about seeing someone now, and I want to do whatever I can to prepare myself now for when that happens. The small factors I have for this is that this one guy I'm decently close to and have talked to on occasion just unfriended me. I noticed this because I went back to look at a picture I commented on and realized we were not friends anymore. I also realized that he just started following my ex on Twitter because he retweeted one of her tweets and I looked at who he is following and sure enough, she is right at the top of the new people he is following. Now it is entirely possible and more than likely that I am clutching at strings here and building up this story in my head. This is something I do quite often, but it made me realize that she isn't gonna be single forever and I need to do what I can RIGHT NOW to prepare for when that time she finds someone comes. Thanks so much for any advice you can give. You guys are all so awesome and supportive, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this site sometimes.
Treasa Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Just because he likes her doesn't mean she likes him, for one. He may be really mentally unstable. I had a sort-of friend flip out on me over the weekend out of the complete blue, and it was so laughable how melodramatic he was being. I have since cut ties with that person, and chalked it up to the fact that all the crazies aren't out of my life, yet. I just posted this in another thread, but you can look at it one of two ways: 1. She starts dating someone, and they break up. A lot of couples do. Most couples do. 2. She starts dating someone and they actually are happy for the rest of their lives. Be happy for that, because if you truly love her, you want her happiness. 1
lop98 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 In my experience with social media, those moves usually speak for a few more layers of what's actually going on. So you could be right, I'm almost sure you are... I'd block the URL of every one of her networks immediately... that way you can't see. And for this to succeed you have to reinforce your 'support' system, find an extra activity, go out more, work out more, and seriously NC. Trust me, diving into the suspense of what's really going out (until your suspicion is confirmed or discarded) is going to drag you down endlessly and continue to interrupt any chance of recovery. I did this (sketchy follow/unfollow stuff led me to observe obsessively and witness how they got together) and it was not just a waste of time, it was torture, it wore me out, it affected me in every way really... and it wasn't worthy, had I gone NC earlier and focused on my own actions towards moving on and meet other men, I'd now be, emotionally, where I will hopefully be until July!
eucalyptus Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't want this to seem harsh, but this phase is necessary in your path to getting over your EX. The fact of the matter is that both she and you are more likely to move on to someone else than to reconcile. I found out from a mutual acquaintance that my EX moved on within 2 weeks of breaking up, so I know the emotions that it evokes. However, it's now been 2 months since that revelation and I believe that it was necessary in my healing process. For me it was almost better to know that it happened for sure than to wonder if/when it would happen. I was able to then work through all the related internal BS and move towards some level of acceptance. For me, I was hanging on to the possibility that she would come to her senses up until the time that I knew she had actually moved on with the new guy. Remember, IF there is a new guy, he will have to take the good and the bad that comes with your EX. Yeah, she might only be showing him her best at first, but I bet that probably sounds familiar...right?
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 First of all, thanks so much for the responses. I have a slight update. I sent a friend request back to that kid and he immediately sent me a message apologizing for it. He apparently was going through his friends list and was removing a ton of people and din't intend to remove me. But going back to him. He is in no way mentally unstable, in fact I have no idea where you got that from. He is actually a very kind and genuine kid. He's helped me more than once with work in school in the few classes we had together. And about me now. I have actually been doing well with the whole hanging with friends, working out, meeting new people thing. I just honestly want to not care what she is doing and who she is doing it with. It's her life. She is obviously focusing on hers and is not worrying about mine and I should definitely do the same. What she is doing should have no effect on what I am doing. I can't change her mind or make her do anything. I can, however, change my mind and do something about my mood. I never truly got over my ex BEFORE this current ex until I met this last ex. But then again, my 2nd ex was much better than my 1st one. I'm not just imagining that either. My first ex was sort of crazy, argumentative, and opinionated. My 2nd ex was kind, thoughtful, and, well, cute. The fact that she actually checked so many of the boxes in my "ideal girlfriend" list is what's making this harder. I know she isn't perfect and I know I can do better. I am currently talking to a few girls at the moment. They all have shown a decent amount of interest in me, but I just need to build my confidence up enough to stop ruminating on my past and get excited for my life in the moment.
crederer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hey man. My ex isn't dating anyone yet. But she's quite attractive and gets hit on all the time so I know it's going to be pretty soon at this point. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I know I'm going to hear about it right away. How to deal with it? Well I guess I'm going to just bite the bullet and buck up.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Hey man. My ex isn't dating anyone yet. But she's quite attractive and gets hit on all the time so I know it's going to be pretty soon at this point. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I know I'm going to hear about it right away. How to deal with it? Well I guess I'm going to just bite the bullet and buck up. I feel ya brother. The only way I see to get through this is to stop thinking about her. For me, I need to just teach myself to realize that she is really just some other girl. She is nothing special. Worrying about her won't get anything done except make me miss her more and not ever get over her. The only way I will get over her is by focusing on my own life and living in and enjoying the moment I am in. I know it's going to be hard, but it is essential.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 (edited) So I was just told by a mutual friend of mine and my ex's that I "didn't understand her perspective". The friend said that "[my ex] understands that you want to be friends... I don't think you understood her response/ her perspective...". Don't even ask how that got brought up. I literally just said I have been really good since we broke up and she proceeded to tell me this. I don't entirely know what that is supposed to mean. But I am seeing her tomorrow and she told me she will explain tomorrow. Now I just don't really know what to do here. I have been trying and trying to figure out my ex and her intentions/feelings for the last 2.5 months since our breakup and NOW I'm being told the few things I thought I had figured out are wrong? She also assured me there wasn't another guy sort of randomly. What. If I'm being honest I STILL am not entirely sure of why we broke up. She gave me a reason that she had been busy and was not emotionally capable of having a relationship which we all know is BS. I am just going through the possibilities right now, but I honestly cannot figure out what else there is. She didn't like someone else, she wasn't too busy (she hung out with friends and whatnot even more after we broke up), I wasn't rude/violent/argumentative (we never had a single argument or disagreement), She didn't just lose interest because three nights before I assure you she had interest and nothing happened inbetween then. I am honestly not sure what I'm missing here. Edited May 29, 2013 by fiftyofsomethin
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 So after a couple of months of considerable happiness and confidence, I have just found out from a mutual friend what my ex REALLY wants. She told me that my ex said she just wants us to be how we were before our relationship. Like basically pretend as if it didn't happen or something. I honestly do not know how to think of this. At first I was like "alright, cool, I finally know, I'm good" But now I've been thinking about it and it's becoming a pretty damn big confidence blow. What did I do/how did I act that makes her want us to completely forget that our relationship ever happened? I mean I got her to go out with me, so she must have liked me at some point, so what the hell changed? What did she find out about me, or what changed about my behaviors to make her feel this way. Because apparently she had been feeling like she didn't want the relationship for a few weeks before we broke up. Of course, I had no idea. I honestly feel that maybe it was my reduction in confidence towards the end. When we started, I was full of confidence and had high self-esteem and in some ways behaved that I was slightly better than her or I could do better, but once things started getting awkward with us, I got nervous and anxious and tried to fix things frantically. She didn't want to talk as much, and I didn't understand why. It's like one day she literally decided that she didn't want to be with me anymore and stopped trying and didn't want to talk and then ten days later we broke up. I have been thinking about this way too much. I can't help but lose some confidence now that I know she doesn't want to even remember our relationship. I felt I could do so much better than her and now that this happened, it's like I feel I am moving backwards . If I can't even keep someone like her, who CAN I keep? Right now, I simply do not know why I cannot hold onto these girlfriends. My relationship before her was similar. We were both interested, dated for a while, and then they both essentially lost interest. I don't get it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have now just slumped to a considerable low.
Ginko_Mushishi Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I'll tell you my experience man... hopefully it'll help you. Last January, my ex and I finally decided to cut ties. I was doing very well with my healing process until I received a whatsapp from her about 3 weeks ago. She told me she was very happy, that she found herself a new love and that she was very happy that I was happy. bla bla bla. I had already erased her number from my phone, so at first I wasn't sure who she was, until I saw the picture of her profile. She changed it just while i was reading her message putting a collage of my ex with this douche with fur bikini at the beach!!! Man... all the healing and well-being of these last few months down the drain... BUT you know what? It was bound to happen. AND of course... she is NOT as happy as she says because: what's the point of sending a message to your ex if you are REALLY happy? So don't worry. It'll happen one way or another. She's your ex, let her be... Don't over analyze stuff. Just as you say you do, I tend to do it myself. It's not worth it. It's totally out of our control. Focus on your stuff, date other girls even if you don't like them as much as your ex. Keep your mind off your ex.
Ginko_Mushishi Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 So after a couple of months of considerable happiness and confidence, I have just found out from a mutual friend what my ex REALLY wants. She told me that my ex said she just wants us to be how we were before our relationship. Like basically pretend as if it didn't happen or something. I honestly do not know how to think of this. At first I was like "alright, cool, I finally know, I'm good" But now I've been thinking about it and it's becoming a pretty damn big confidence blow. What did I do/how did I act that makes her want us to completely forget that our relationship ever happened? I mean I got her to go out with me, so she must have liked me at some point, so what the hell changed? What did she find out about me, or what changed about my behaviors to make her feel this way. Because apparently she had been feeling like she didn't want the relationship for a few weeks before we broke up. Of course, I had no idea. I honestly feel that maybe it was my reduction in confidence towards the end. When we started, I was full of confidence and had high self-esteem and in some ways behaved that I was slightly better than her or I could do better, but once things started getting awkward with us, I got nervous and anxious and tried to fix things frantically. She didn't want to talk as much, and I didn't understand why. It's like one day she literally decided that she didn't want to be with me anymore and stopped trying and didn't want to talk and then ten days later we broke up. I have been thinking about this way too much. I can't help but lose some confidence now that I know she doesn't want to even remember our relationship. I felt I could do so much better than her and now that this happened, it's like I feel I am moving backwards . If I can't even keep someone like her, who CAN I keep? Right now, I simply do not know why I cannot hold onto these girlfriends. My relationship before her was similar. We were both interested, dated for a while, and then they both essentially lost interest. I don't get it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have now just slumped to a considerable low. C'mon don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe she wants to forget the whole story, but maybe you don't. She's going to be a pleasant memory, but nothing more. Start working on new good things to remember. I repeat: don't over analyze situations. You don't have to care for what she thinks. She's your ex, for crissakes. What really matters is what you think of yourself, your memories and your perspective for the future. Let me share you this phrase that has helped me in my healing process: The pity train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We all Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get The Hell Over it. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waa. This is Dr. Sniffle reporting live from Quitcher B*tchin'. Always makes me smile, lol!
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 C'mon don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe she wants to forget the whole story, but maybe you don't. She's going to be a pleasant memory, but nothing more. Start working on new good things to remember. I repeat: don't over analyze situations. You don't have to care for what she thinks. She's your ex, for crissakes. What really matters is what you think of yourself, your memories and your perspective for the future. Let me share you this phrase that has helped me in my healing process: The pity train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We all Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get The Hell Over it. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waa. This is Dr. Sniffle reporting live from Quitcher B*tchin'. Always makes me smile, lol! Thanks so much for the response! Actually another sort of eye-opening thing I was told was that she was actually never mad at me for anything during the whole breakup as I thought she was. I thought there were all these hard feelings when in fact there were not. Well, save for one time when she apparently found out that I thought she was mad at me which IN TURN MADE HER MAD. Funny how that works out. So basically because I assumed all the negative things and thought the worst, I ruined a slight chance at maybe fixing things and being friendly. I honestly do not care so much about what she thinks of me as much as what her actions mean about me and my personality. There had to have been some change since we started and before the breakup. I am now worrying about what that means because I cannot just rest easily knowing that there is a possibility that I have some problem with how I treat women once I'm in a relationship with them. It's all confidence. So why can't I find some?
SuperGeek Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Yeah and prepare yourself for the day she's dumped by her ex and comes crawling back to you. Usually they crawl back after it's TOO LATE. Do you really want to be the backup plan? 1. She starts dating someone, and they break up. A lot of couples do. Most couples do.
SuperGeek Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) This is because women have unlimited guys wanting sex with them all the time. Just takes one guy brave enough to say the right thing to be the 'rebound' guy. Usually it's a guy they don't even LIKE. Just a guy that fills in the void until they get over the ex. I think this is the most brutal part of being a guy. Getting dumped and watching the girl hook up with dudes RIGHT AFTER. Damn it sucks. This is why it's good to completely remove an EX out of your life so you don't have to WATCH it. I found out from a mutual acquaintance that my EX moved on within 2 weeks of breaking up, so I know the emotions that it evokes. Edited May 30, 2013 by SuperGeek
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Yeah and prepare yourself for the day she's dumped by her ex and comes crawling back to you. Usually they crawl back after it's TOO LATE. Do you really want to be the backup plan? Honestly right now I'm just trying to find ways to build up my confidence and self-esteem. I personally believe that my low self-esteem and low confidence was what drove her away and I also had high self-esteem and confidence when we first started talking and going out so I just need to figure out how to get this back and, well, stop worrying and thinking about her. It's not even her that I'm worried about losing, she wasn't that pretty or great or whatever, it's what it means for my future. The fact that a not-super-attractive girl dumped me just kills my self-esteem. I need to get out of my head and just sop worrying. Literally most of these problems are created myself. And even her leaving me was a (likely) result of it.
kyle77 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 In my experience with social media, those moves usually speak for a few more layers of what's actually going on. So you could be right, I'm almost sure you are... I'd block the URL of every one of her networks immediately... that way you can't see. And for this to succeed you have to reinforce your 'support' system, find an extra activity, go out more, work out more, and seriously NC. Trust me, diving into the suspense of what's really going out (until your suspicion is confirmed or discarded) is going to drag you down endlessly and continue to interrupt any chance of recovery. I did this (sketchy follow/unfollow stuff led me to observe obsessively and witness how they got together) and it was not just a waste of time, it was torture, it wore me out, it affected me in every way really... and it wasn't worthy, had I gone NC earlier and focused on my own actions towards moving on and meet other men, I'd now be, emotionally, where I will hopefully be until July! This is it exactly! I find that as humans our intuition is pretty good. So when you get a feeling like something is going on it probably is. Maybe not exactly what you're thinking but something is. So stop checking all of the social media stuff about her now. I remember basically watching how my ex got together with another guy and it killed me. You feel powerless as you idly stand there watching it happen. It's also terrible coming home to check your computer only to get a gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach from seeing something about her and another guy on your news feed. Admittedly it does get better and you get better at managing seeing these things. But looking back now I regret that I didn't make the decision to cut her out completely earlier in my life. Find a new hobby.....something you have always wanted to do and get good at it. Working out also helps. Best of luck.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 This is it exactly! I find that as humans our intuition is pretty good. So when you get a feeling like something is going on it probably is. Maybe not exactly what you're thinking but something is. So stop checking all of the social media stuff about her now. I remember basically watching how my ex got together with another guy and it killed me. You feel powerless as you idly stand there watching it happen. It's also terrible coming home to check your computer only to get a gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach from seeing something about her and another guy on your news feed. Admittedly it does get better and you get better at managing seeing these things. But looking back now I regret that I didn't make the decision to cut her out completely earlier in my life. Find a new hobby.....something you have always wanted to do and get good at it. Working out also helps. Best of luck. I always have trouble with this advice. "go find a new hobby" "something you have always wanted to do" Well ****. I have never wanted to do anything or start a hobby. I would have done it already if I wanted to. Being in a relationship would not have deterred me. I also have this damn annoying thought process that makes me assume a hobby is some lonely thing I will do by myself.
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