livelife Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I have known this guy as an aquatinance for a good 2 years now and he just now admitted having a long crush on me. I told him I had been interested in him too so we started hanging out. He has had 2 relationships in his life. One 2 year one 8 month. Both cheated on. In his recent one (8 month) they were so on and off. They OFFICIALLY broke up only like 2 months ago. Anyways, I have been so good to him. If theres a guy he feels uncomfortable with, I will show him texts to prove that they are no one to worry about. I have treated him good and he has made me happy. We both admit we really, really like each other. Only one problem. He is so scared to get close to someone again. He has this defence mechanism where when he feels pressured, he will push me away. The most recent incident of this happening was him hooking up with another girl. I know. It's really damn ****ty. I'm still so upset by it. We talked about it for a long time. And he said he is going to try to get my trust back, he will even tell the girl to no longer try to talk to him and what not. He said he will show me when he does (this conversation happened today) Anyways, I told him look we can go slow, we don't need to think about a relationship right now- I know you've been hurt I know you're not ready for one right now. Let's just take it day by day. I do want to trust him and I do understand he is very messed up in the head right now from his recent break up. I like him a lot and I know he likes me ( all his friends tell me) So I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Please don't tell me to break it off with him because of the other girl. I believe he is apologetic about it, he cried in front of me when we talked about it, and i'm willing to give him another shot- but what procedures should I take in helping him heal and feel secure in me?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) I'm not going to tell you to break up with him, but do you honest feel that because he was cheated on in the past, it was okay for him to cheat on you? I know men who has been cheated on and whom would never tolerate the same behavior to occur in themselves. That is because they know the pain and the pain that comes with betrayal; no matter how hard it may be for them to open up later on, they would never cheat. Even if future relationships do not work out, they would never do something they hate. Sure, your bf is crying but I'm sure his tears are only because he got caught. It's really not your responsibility to fix him. He needs to learn to fix himself instead of thinking hooking up with another girl is an easy solution. He could have saved the both of you the hurt just by taking a break from dating. Edited May 28, 2013 by xpaperxcutx 1
Treasa Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Don't break it off because of the other girl. Break it off because this dude has issues, you're giving way too much of yourself away, and he needs to fix himself and show you that you are the only one he wants. Until then, even being alone would be better than being with him. 2
Author livelife Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I do understand that, but he asked me for my help. He said we can take it slow. Casually. I would like to point out as well that he is not my boyfriend so he is technically able to do what he wants. He was crying because we were talking about breaking it off and he didn't want to.
Treasa Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I do understand that, but he asked me for my help. He said we can take it slow. Casually. I would like to point out as well that he is not my boyfriend so he is technically able to do what he wants. He was crying because we were talking about breaking it off and he didn't want to. Do a brief Google on psychologists in his area (like, 20 seconds tops), and then give him the number. If he wants help badly enough, he'll seek it. I assume you are not a trained psychologist, and even if you were, you're too close to this to give advice, especially for free. Yes, he can technically do what he wants. So can you. I suggest start with dating guys. Not just him. In fact, not him at all. 1
apple OR orange Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) well this is interesting, i just posted an almost identical post on another forum. Because hes not acting like most guys do, the answer is "dump him", well let him know this forum, he can start a "i never get women they all cheat on me and dump me thread" then he can be told its his fault, nothing about women cheating on him. See what i did there, that classic "oooo its not my fault i just need to be selfish and get a guy who treats women bad as i want to stay with him" answers, he hasn't called you any names, or hit you, and yet your supposed to dump him, we had a thread on here a few days ago about how a guy always starts arguments and she settled for "FWB", wow and hes way worse than this guy (or by most answers here this guys bad for have women trouble based on how women treated him). however, back to the question... need to let him know thats its not ok to cheat on you and say if it happens again then theres no 3rd chance, then he has a choice. and on anoher note... psychologists wont help you, they tell you how to think, which generally will start depression (catch 22 in the mind) then they prescribe antidepressant drugs, so you pay them to tell you something they know will get your brain in a catch 22 then you pay for the drugs, see which way the moneys going then, AWAY FROM YOU and you dont get help your in a worse place. Local governments are starting to question the benifits of psychologists globally over the past 10 years..... thats why you dont hear to much about them any more (esp in Canada), i dare you to ask a psychologists if there really interesting in your health then ask them to do it free (they wont do it), and yet there supposed to be under the Hippocratic oath which is do no harm and help all life) which to them means "as long as i get paid". Edited May 28, 2013 by apple OR orange 1
Author livelife Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 however, back to the question... need to let him know thats its not ok to cheat on you and say if it happens again then theres no 3rd chance, then he has a choice. and on anoher note... psychologists wont help you, they tell you how to think, which generally will start depression (catch 22 in the mind) then they prescribe antidepressant drugs, so you pay them to tell you something they know will get your brain in a catch 22 then you pay for the drugs, see which way the moneys going then, AWAY FROM YOU and you dont get help your in a worse place. Local governments are starting to question the benifits of psychologists globally over the past 10 years..... thats why you dont hear to much about them any more (esp in Canada), i dare you to ask a psychologists if there really interesting in your health then ask them to do it free (they wont do it), and yet there supposed to be under the Hippocratic oath which is do no harm and help all life) which to them means "as long as i get paid". thank you. It really frustrates when people automatically jump to the dumping conclusion. Look. I work for what I want. And I want him. he says he wants me. And he said he is going to start to show it. if he doesn't? I will dump him. If it happens again? Yes, I will dump him. But I'm trying to work with him here, he is damaged and I'm not just going to dump him for that.
Author livelife Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I really wish you would listen. I am talking from experience. Rarely will it really work. Doctors don't self diagnose or self medicate themselves because there's much emotion involved. You're involved too much because you have feelings for him. If you're going to help him do it as friends not as lovers. Where is this talk about medication talk about? Yes I do like him but I'm not completely crazy about him just yet. I have been hurt before in past relationships too so I do have my guard up as well, but with that said yes I do like the guy. How can I help him?
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) And you actually....believe him? I could've told this was going to happen if you posted in the beginning instead of after the fact. Look, the guy is going to use his "issues" and his past to justify every behavior that he does. Which is only partly the truth, what he isn't telling you is that he isn't being completely honest with you. Now, now, you being the typical type is going to believe whatever he says, after all I don't know him personally or how he treats you...even though as a man myself and as a guy who understand a guy like this better than he understands himself will tell you is he only being half-truthful....at best, his actions tell you all you need to know. But go ahead, you'll find out. Not only will he not be able to really build your trust (even though I'm sure you'll eventually convince yourself that you can because you want to be with him) he'll hook up with another girl again...then pull out the guilty card and that he feels so bad, he cares so much about you, you're so special....yadda yadda yadda same ole song and dance 5 million other men sang before him and then he'll tell you that you're too good for him and that you should move on...even though all he's trying to do is keep that distance and maintain that buffer from a commitment, and if he does "commit" it will be with some "exceptions". What you don't see is....you're just another girl. And eventually he'll prove it to you through his actions...although his words will remain consistent that you are in fact "special". And maybe you'll even walk away patting him on the head like a poor puppy telling him you love him anyway but at the end of the day I guarantee you with every part of my soul and being that he was in fact lying to you, and never completely truthful...and how do I know this? because there isn't a man on this earth that can be in his situation...especially with the way women condition men to be, they'd rather hear the buttered up truth, they'd rather hear it wasn't all for nothing and meant nothing, they want to believe there was something different or made it in some way worth while and you'll want to convince yourself that this person was truly someone romantically special....even after you move on. So go ahead, sit back and keep investing in this bottomless pit of a man who will never completely be as honest and truthful as you think he is with his little tears and "genuine" outpouring of emotion and what seems like regret...you'll always have a suspicious voice in the back of your mind questioning this, especially after he uses the same excuses over and over. He may not like the fact that he hurts you or treats you this way (I mean who does right?) but I guarantee you that it won't keep him from continuing to do what he does. I not only question but entirely dismiss the fact you even have the whole story of his past (which I'd expect you to contest), not only do men lie with the current relationship, they also butter up and paint a one-sided picture of the past...they victimize themselves so you'll feel sorry for them and think you'll be the one to fix them or make it all ok...but the jokes on you, you'll play the fool for it for absolutely nothing. This guy just needs some love and affection right now, and you're the closest thing to give it to him, and he's going to use you right up...and you'll of course think you are building something or enduring some great challenge like once you reach the top everything else will be downhill. You can't help people heal like this, you can't nurture someone back into a complete form, you can't change someone issues or give someone all they need so they don't have their problems anymore...don't be a fool, peoples issues are peoples issues, and there's only one person that can fix them...themselves. You investing and thinking you can "help someone" is just going to end with you expelling all this emotion and energy into "fixing him" and then fail, because it was NEVER in your hands, that's his own personal journey...but the real question for you is, why do you need and feel the desire to fix him? because that's an issue within yourself....does he remind of you dear old dad? or is it easier to fix someone else or try because you can't fix yourself? or is this just another distraction from your real problems? The good news is this still sounds relatively new, you still believe or at least want to believe his BS even though you know better in the back of your head...you're not that naive, you're just insisting to be and you'll notice the holes and inconsistencies as time goes on even more and more. You still have a chance to save yourself from a long-road of heartbreak, insecurity, and feel worthless because you can't fix him...but then again, if you're willing to put yourself through this for someone...for love...you've got your own problems, and will likely just need to learn them the hard way....you'll realize trying to fix other people has more to do with yourself than someone else...this isn't about love or anything like that, even if you get along and there's chemistry, all this guy is doing is triggering one of your own personal issues and insecurities to react...you are in emergency rescue mode...well-intended but foolish, very foolish as you will see...you seem to head strong to walk away, that'll be your biggest fault in judgment. Edited May 28, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 1
KraftDinner Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Here is some blanket advice that I think could apply to everyone. If someone pushes you away, go. Why be with someone who would do that? What a crappy thing for someone to do. And I am sorry but having sex with someone else is not a defense mechanism.
Estate Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I have known this guy as an aquatinance for a good 2 years now and he just now admitted having a long crush on me. I told him I had been interested in him too so we started hanging out. He has had 2 relationships in his life. One 2 year one 8 month. Both cheated on. In his recent one (8 month) they were so on and off. They OFFICIALLY broke up only like 2 months ago. Anyways, I have been so good to him. If theres a guy he feels uncomfortable with, I will show him texts to prove that they are no one to worry about. I have treated him good and he has made me happy. We both admit we really, really like each other. Only one problem. He is so scared to get close to someone again. He has this defence mechanism where when he feels pressured, he will push me away. The most recent incident of this happening was him hooking up with another girl. I know. It's really damn ****ty. I'm still so upset by it. We talked about it for a long time. And he said he is going to try to get my trust back, he will even tell the girl to no longer try to talk to him and what not. He said he will show me when he does (this conversation happened today) Anyways, I told him look we can go slow, we don't need to think about a relationship right now- I know you've been hurt I know you're not ready for one right now. Let's just take it day by day. I do want to trust him and I do understand he is very messed up in the head right now from his recent break up. I like him a lot and I know he likes me ( all his friends tell me) So I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Please don't tell me to break it off with him because of the other girl. I believe he is apologetic about it, he cried in front of me when we talked about it, and i'm willing to give him another shot- but what procedures should I take in helping him heal and feel secure in me? Look, everybody has been hurt. Whether they've been cheated on, went through a messy breakup, or just broken up with at all for any reason, it hurts, it sticks with you, it makes you question yourself. But at the end of the day EVERYONE has gone through it. There are 2 types of people, those who use it as a miserable excuse to feel sorry for themselves and project the same things on their next partner meaning it naturally does not work out again, continuing their downward spiral... Or there are the people who accept it is part of life and part of dating and act like a freaking MAN and just get on with life. Dating people like this is absolutely draining and instead of being in the moment with you will always project the bad traits of their old relationship on yours, will always be emotionally draining, will always have issues and will always compare or try to change you into a form of their ex to try to prove some point to themselves. It's draining and it's horrible. I'd strongly advice against it. This would only be his 2nd relationship and knows nothing else but cheating and hurt... let him experience life before you'd want to date a guy like this. 1
Author livelife Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I do completely understand the fact that he may get with another girl. I'm not too emotionally invested in him yet. So if it does happen. YES I will dump his sorry ASS. But i'm sorry. Call me an idiot. I'm going to give it another chance. I'm taking it slow. I might even tell him i'm going to start openly dating. I'm being cautious. Trust me. I mean, I know the guy. I know his friends. I've talked to his friends. They know and I know that he is a very emotional guy and yes he has very bad trust issues, his best friends even said that. So i'm going to be patient right now, and be casual. And see where it goes. I refuse to sleep with him, and I will hardly kiss him if at all. I'm prepared. And I know you all will say, if you're prepared just leave. But I don't want to because there is that " what if" so I will do this on my own terms and yes if I come back and your reactions will be "I told you so" I will completely accept that and accept a virtual slap across the face haha.
Estate Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I do completely understand the fact that he may get with another girl. I'm not too emotionally invested in him yet. So if it does happen. YES I will dump his sorry ASS. But i'm sorry. Call me an idiot. I'm going to give it another chance. I'm taking it slow. I might even tell him i'm going to start openly dating. I'm being cautious. Trust me. I mean, I know the guy. I know his friends. I've talked to his friends. They know and I know that he is a very emotional guy and yes he has very bad trust issues, his best friends even said that. So i'm going to be patient right now, and be casual. And see where it goes. I refuse to sleep with him, and I will hardly kiss him if at all. I'm prepared. And I know you all will say, if you're prepared just leave. But I don't want to because there is that " what if" so I will do this on my own terms and yes if I come back and your reactions will be "I told you so" I will completely accept that and accept a virtual slap across the face haha. If you want to date him then by all means do. But make sure it's on YOUR terms. Like I said, people like this try to project a lot of things from the past on new partners so DO NOT let him do that or use it as a way to control the relationship. If you're dating someone they should make you happy, so be sure you are happy if you start something with this guy. The bit I just highlighted above is the part you need to cautious of. Will he use this emotional side of himself to make you feel special and unique and perfect... or will he use it as a way of side stepping a relationship, dumping his problems on you and not giving you the relationship YOU want. Just be careful with this guy.
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