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She wants me to move out/not move in, but not break up and I don't know what to think

Dante311

By Dante311
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
Posted

It's just as the title says...

 

I'm apparently this amazing man in her life... who will make an amazing lover, husband, and father one day. She loves me with all her heart, and she doesn't want to break up. She is afraid of losing me... I asked if she's afraid of losing me, or the thought of me (ie someone being there). She replied, "you..."

 

I WANT to believe her, but do I??? I don't know...

 

like any couple, we've had our moments. The one thing that gets her I can be elusive with my words and she interprets it as passive aggressive.. something I told her I'd seek counseling on. Which, I've established that connection already. I try to overlook her "flaws" and trust me, she has enough for the two of us! But this isn't about pointing fingers, that doesn't get a couple anywhere.. this is about working on those petty differences to move forward together.

 

Now, here's my problem. We live together (we each have a place to ourselves, but we never spend a night apart. Not the best idea, I know... but I love waking up next to her and vice versa...)

 

Now, she wants me out. my own place... and to spend nights apart. to move forward, but more slowly.

 

I see this as 10 steps back. I'm ok with this idea, but I really believe we're going to become more distant and grow apart. In my head, my heart, and my thoughts this is a prolonged breakup... So I don't know what to say or do...

 

I'm so confused. So tired. so lost.

 

I work hard enough.. I'm a graduate student, work 3 part time jobs... and study a lot. I'm 28 y/o ...

 

and I'm nowhere where I wanted to be at this age... even with 2 graduate degrees (both Masters)... and I only want more out of life and someone I can turn to when **** gets hard. I don't feel like I can do that anymore with her...

 

I'm lost & confused... :(

 

help??? I probably answered my own problem, and I think I know it, but reinforcement may help..

 

thanks!

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

Posted
Posted

When somebody asks me for space, I give it to them. Maybe she feels a little suffocated and that she's not taking enough care of herself. She may still really want you in her life. She just needs some balance.

 

Don't take it as rejection. Take it as a warning that she needs more time for her to do self care or even just be alone with her thoughts.

 

I know exactly how she feels. I gave my ex that same conversation about 4 months into our relationship. I didn't even feel like I could do the deep cleaning in my apartment because we were always together. Some nights, I skipped the gym on the way home from work just so I could have that hour or two BY MY SELF before he would come over.

 

I felt so suffocated, that at some point, I just broke. Told him some things I have never been able to take back. And the man I know was falling in love with me, backed away and proceeded to break up with me.

 

I only wish I'd been more insistent on some space for me during the relationship. I liked him. I liked his company.

 

Now I sit here with regrets. Anyway, that's my female perspective.

 

Take your time, provide her with some space, and find things to do for yourself that are good for you (and distractions).

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
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Posted
When somebody asks me for space, I give it to them. Maybe she feels a little suffocated and that she's not taking enough care of herself. She may still really want you in her life. She just needs some balance.

 

Don't take it as rejection. Take it as a warning that she needs more time for her to do self care or even just be alone with her thoughts.

 

I know exactly how she feels. I gave my ex that same conversation about 4 months into our relationship. I didn't even feel like I could do the deep cleaning in my apartment because we were always together. Some nights, I skipped the gym on the way home from work just so I could have that hour or two BY MY SELF before he would come over.

 

I felt so suffocated, that at some point, I just broke. Told him some things I have never been able to take back. And the man I know was falling in love with me, backed away and proceeded to break up with me.

 

I only wish I'd been more insistent on some space for me during the relationship. I liked him. I liked his company.

 

Now I sit here with regrets. Anyway, that's my female perspective.

 

Take your time, provide her with some space, and find things to do for yourself that are good for you (and distractions).

 

I'm giving it to her.

 

that goes without question.

 

my new question is.. do I love her still?

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted

Whose name is on the lease for the place you share together, and who pays for it?

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Whose name is on the lease for the place you share together, and who pays for it?

 

It was supposed to be 50/50... 50% at my place, 50% at hers. but she wants to stay at her place more so we stay at her place.

 

I'm fine with moving out.

 

it's moving out and keeping this relationship. I don't see it happening. I know it's space, but space is a prolonged breakup. And once it's broken, I will move on. Without her.

 

She already admitted to me in a crying frenzy she was afraid of that last night.

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted
It's just as the title says...

 

I'm apparently this amazing man in her life... who will make an amazing lover, husband, and father one day. She loves me with all her heart, and she doesn't want to break up. She is afraid of losing me... I asked if she's afraid of losing me, or the thought of me (ie someone being there). She replied, "you..."

 

I WANT to believe her, but do I??? I don't know...

 

like any couple, we've had our moments. The one thing that gets her I can be elusive with my words and she interprets it as passive aggressive.. something I told her I'd seek counseling on. Which, I've established that connection already. I try to overlook her "flaws" and trust me, she has enough for the two of us! But this isn't about pointing fingers, that doesn't get a couple anywhere.. this is about working on those petty differences to move forward together.

 

Now, here's my problem. We live together (we each have a place to ourselves, but we never spend a night apart. Not the best idea, I know... but I love waking up next to her and vice versa...)

 

Now, she wants me out. my own place... and to spend nights apart. to move forward, but more slowly.

 

I see this as 10 steps back. I'm ok with this idea, but I really believe we're going to become more distant and grow apart. In my head, my heart, and my thoughts this is a prolonged breakup... So I don't know what to say or do...

 

I'm so confused. So tired. so lost.

 

I work hard enough.. I'm a graduate student, work 3 part time jobs... and study a lot. I'm 28 y/o ...

 

and I'm nowhere where I wanted to be at this age... even with 2 graduate degrees (both Masters)... and I only want more out of life and someone I can turn to when **** gets hard. I don't feel like I can do that anymore with her...

 

I'm lost & confused... :(

 

help??? I probably answered my own problem, and I think I know it, but reinforcement may help..

 

thanks!

 

been there done that. old ex of mine wanted us to stop living together so she could take care of herself and find her independence...and that's what she did.

 

i'd be concerned it's just a soft breakup. easier to get you out the easy way than to dump you and then try to kick you out.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted

Wait, is there a third place or not? If so, whose name is on the lease, and who actually does pay for it?

CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

Posted
Posted

"I work hard enough.. I'm a graduate student, work 3 part time jobs... and study a lot."

 

Tell me again how you are smothering her? Space? She needs space when you are so available right? Trust your gut on this one. She's easing out of this serious commitment represented by living together by having you move out...

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Wait... you're in Grad school and you're working 3 part time jobs. Therefore, with school, work and study I speculate you don't have a lot of free time. Therefore, I would figure that she would want to take every minute of free time that you DO have for the relationship. But, instead, she wants you to move out...... doesn't make any sense.

 

Well......in a way. Sounds like she's trying to slowly wean you out of her life. Get used to you being gone slowly. Still be there when SHE needs you, or when SHE needs someone to lean on and when she gets what she want, "Okay, I'm good now, you can go back to your apartment." Then, when she feels strong enough to pull the plug, she'll throw you under the bus. Or when she finds your replacement (if she hasn't already) then you'll be yesterday's news as well.

 

A good indicator of this is give it a good solid week and then pop by her place unannounced (preferably on the weekend, early evening) and see if she gets a little upset because you didn't call first. See if she grabs her phone and shoots off a quick text.

 

Do, she's breaking up with you, but is doing it at a snails pace.

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

Posted
Posted
Wait, is there a third place or not? If so, whose name is on the lease, and who actually does pay for it?

 

I read it as they each have their own place, but are together all the time at one or the other place. Probably mostly hers. Inevitably, one of you has a lot of crap at the others place because you're together all the time because it's a pseudo cohabitation going on.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
I read it as they each have their own place, but are together all the time at one or the other place. Probably mostly hers. Inevitably, one of you has a lot of crap at the others place because you're together all the time because it's a pseudo cohabitation going on.

 

If this is correct, which it sounds like, move your stuff out and IMMEDIATELY become immersed with your life. You're too busy to take her calls. You have a lot of **** going on. She can piss off or start scrambling to show you she's serious about you. But don't give her that ultimatum. Just become REALLY BUSY.

  • Like 3
BustedUpInside Established Member

BustedUpInside

Posted
Posted
If this is correct, which it sounds like, move your stuff out and IMMEDIATELY become immersed with your life. You're too busy to take her calls. You have a lot of **** going on. She can piss off or start scrambling to show you she's serious about you. But don't give her that ultimatum. Just become REALLY BUSY.

 

I think this is great advice. You don't need to be shouldering so much responsibility for the relationship when your life is already so incredibly busy. 3 jobs and school??!! That is crazy! :) If she wants you like she says she does, then she better start trying harder.

 

Asking you to take a step back, move out, spend time at her place; basically just accommodate her at every turn and then when you put up the least amount of resistence she gets to dissolve into a fit of manipulative tears? That is totally unfair! You have got to take back some of the power for yourself. She doesn't call the shots, she's not the boss. Either you guys are teammates who are working together, or you are the boss for your own life and she's fired!

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crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted (edited)

My ex said she wanted not to see other people, she just needs time and space to figure her stuff out and to gain back her independence as I was basically doing a lot of stuff for her. She thought that'd make her feel better about herself. And once she's in a better emotional state we can start hanging out again. We had our own places but I slept over there 5 nights a week. So it sounds similar. She wanted, "some time, distance and space" and I was like wtf does that even mean? Can you clarify that? No, she couldn't.

 

I thought she was seeing someone else but it turns out no, she actually meant what she said, even though she didn't even completely know what she meant by it.

 

After quite a while of very limited contact, she comes out of the blue looking for a shoulder to cry on because her emotional state has deteriorated significantly, and I was "her best friend, and she trusts to be open with me and misses me". So yeah, some people need to be careful what they wish for. It seems to have backfired on her as I was a major emotional support for her. We've hung out a bunch of times the last few weeks but it has become apparent that it's always when she needs something from me such as emotional support. She's now asking who I've been dating since our "break". I've rebounded quite a few times, I gotta say, but hey, this is what she wanted.

Edited by crederer
CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

Posted
Posted

game over... this is a breakup

 

maybe one day people will stop listening to the words coming out of womens' mouths and see their actions

 

action... move out/dont move in = im not as interested in you as you think i am but im a woman and i speak womanese and really mean that this is the beginning of the end.

  • Like 2
aisuru Established Member

aisuru

Posted
Posted
game over... this is a breakup

 

maybe one day people will stop listening to the words coming out of womens' mouths and see their actions

 

action... move out/dont move in = im not as interested in you as you think i am but im a woman and i speak womanese and really mean that this is the beginning of the end.

 

yeah, because this is purely a gender based way of communicating. :rolleyes: I don't think women have the monopoly on this. :p

bwasroy Member

bwasroy

Posted
Posted

The girl wants to live apart and still date you. And this is a bad thing? Wow. My thumb is not on the pulse of my contemporaries. That's a ticket to ride, friend.

siankat Established Member

siankat

Posted
Posted

i agree with the above posters but would like to put my two cents in...

 

i value my space in a relationship. And at other times i can be very affectionate and playful and want to do things with my partner.

 

This fluctuates, hour to hour, over a few days, sometimes longer. Maybe it does mean a breakup is imminent or....she might just need to be 'her' for a while. i think people are a lot more complex than 2+2=4 and depending on the relationship, could have felt like she lost sight of herself and goals.

 

Meaning, everyone needs closeness and everyone needs space at different times, of varying degrees etc but they don't all need to be expressed so formally, they just kinda happen.

 

However, if you are out a lot, (what does she do again?) and she wants to not live together after living together that is not a good sign. I personally would love to have a relationship where we are sexually exclusive, but free with our time while making sure we (willingly) meet the needs of the other.

 

Now, all that airy fairy stuff aside, in my gut i think that we in the west have way too much choice in everything and for some of us that leads to constant indecision, procrastination and apathy, repeat cycle..And therefore we don't even know when it's good enough. We don't get perfection in anything in our lives! Why should we expect if from our relationships? I think we risk setting our expectations too high and never finding someone who meets them. People need to get a feel for someone as much as they ever will, and make a decision (if your ultimate goal is a life together with family) to stick it out warts and all, or walk. As we said, people don't change that much so we know who we are with. Of course there are finer points to all this but that is my gist.

 

Aaah :) if only it were a perfect world ...there would be no need to even write on here

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

Posted
Posted
yeah, because this is purely a gender based way of communicating. :rolleyes:I don't think women have the monopoly on this. :p

 

but you do

 

The girl wants to live apart and still date you. And this is a bad thing? Wow. My thumb is not on the pulse of my contemporaries. That's a ticket to ride, friend.

 

she doesnt want to date him anymore... its a smokescreen and every girl in this thread knows it... and the guys that aren't idiots

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
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Posted

We ended it. Oh

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Okay....Ummm.....what happened?

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I'm really hoping the heart does grow fonder and she misses me.

Completing the thought, so she misses you, so you can get back together, so you can move in back together, so you can...bother each other again?

 

I don't see the end game here. How do you work on your relationship when you're taking time to yourselves :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
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Posted

Long story short.... sorry if it is so long hahaha

 

2 weeks ago she was really mad that I am putting off finishing my medical degree b/c I want to work a bit (take another year), and she wants to settle down. This caused a huge argument. This was on top of me being passive aggressive (according to her)... there were little issues in the past that I've corrected per her request. Not that I had to, but b/c I wanted to.

 

She had her problems.. but i'm not here to focus on those. But above is why we're taking space apparently.

 

Now I don't get to see my family very often and when we do, we always leave early b/c she doesn't want to drive late. But when we go to her family.. we stay forever. ie i see my family for 30 min and hers for 2 hours... (my family is an hour away). Kind of understandable, but spending a little extra time with my folks is not a big deal (and our visits are on holidays only).

 

...so, my parents were coming up for my sister-in-law's graduation party. She finished a grad degree. So again, I don't see my family often. We had a good morning, she dropped me off (she is driving) and she goes home to do something. We agreed she'd pick me up at starbucks at 1:30pm so we'd have ample time to get ready etc...

 

Fine, I'm waiting. at about 120 I text her, "eta?" No response. I text 2 more times, "Hun if it's easier, I'll take the bus home and meet you there... i'm packed up and waiting outside for you. let me know what YOUR plans are?"

 

....now to drive can take15 minutes with or without traffic and up to 25...

 

but the bus can take over an hour.

 

I just wanted to get home, shower and shave and go... the party was in the same city as the Sbux she was going to pick me up at.

 

I called, she was skyping with her family in another country. I said ok, nice enjoy. I wish you did tell me though b/c it's going to take me time on the bus, but enjoy, and I'll go.

 

She goes, No I'll leave in a bit to get you, but be ready. I said ok. She calls me from the car, so angry that I was being an ass and couldn't wait an extra 15 minutes for her... yknow I admitted I'm partially at fault, but she could've told me she was running late. I wasted about 30 minutes waiting around for her. I know shewas doing me the favor, but she called me ungrateful and an ass for complaining about 15 minutes. by the way.. it was longer than 15 min, but i didn't argue about that with her. (in our relationship - i learned to pick and choose my battles)

 

 

The very next day, I come home after we'd made up (kind of)... she goes .. oh, rewind...

 

I have my own place, but I'm practically living at hers. I don't know why, it justhappened that way. So I was eventually (we talked about it) going to move in.

 

..fast forward. she tells me she wants me to move out. I'm stunned. Absolutely. I swallow it and tell her I will make an effort, b/c I want to see this relationship move forward, and she agrees. She wants to work on things too... she just wants space right now. We go for a long walk and act like ntohings happened.. we get home and relax (it was a good night) we pack up a little and move some of **** into her car to move. The next day I leave for work, she goes to work.. everything's fine. We're planning to pack up for my "move" (I found a place to sublet)... we go to lunch, pick up new plates for her (she had me pack up my dinnerware to move out... and we talked about me sleeping over that night and I was going to install her A/C unit. The secon d we begin driving home, she snaps, "let's get your stuff packed and move you - you're staying at your place tonight"...

 

...I was shocked, agreed - but did mention her blowing hot and cold is really annoying and pissing me off. I should've kept my mouth shut.

 

Fine. I move. But among this move...

 

We were supposed to go to a wedding TOGETHER this weekend in Philly. I asked her (b/c now she's kicked me out and wants space, but still wants me to go with her to the wedding...), "Why do you want me to go to the wedding still?"

 

Depending on her mood, I received these replies numerous times

1. (cold mood) b/c I don't want to be alone, or some variation...

2. (hot mood) b/c I love you and want to be with you, or some variation....

 

That didn't sit well with me. I went back on forth on this during my move, my first night alone... yadayadayada...

 

The next day I emailed herand agreed to go. She was happy. I should've left it here... but no, i'm emotional now b/c she's "Rejecting me" and "pushing me away"... so I overanalyzed everything. We talked about plans for the next day and she invited me over. I told her no to coming over now b/c I have **** to do, but in reality I want to give her space so I don't **** up the possibility of actually working this out... and that I'll follow her lead with plans. She goes, "Come over tonight it'll be more convenient tomorrow..."

 

Now.... normally, I wouldn't OVER-analyze that. But More Convenient for tomorrow???? If we weren't going, I'd be staying at my place? I later asked her this and she said yes.

 

I go for my run and remembered she had my paycheck from work over her place... So like a total dumbass I go there. Now she didn't want to go outside b/c it's hot (I invited her for a walk)... but there she is, on the back porch with her male roommate and friend. I'm a little irritated, but fine... she was shocked I showed up unannounced. I'm not used to that. I'm her boyfriend, usually I got a hug and kiss...

 

We talk... her A/C was in.. her roommate did that for her. I was annoyed. Idon't know why.

 

We ALMOST broke up - the conversation of me going to philly for the wedding came up. Now I explained to her what I mentioned above.. the convenience factor.

 

Here's in my head for a moment;

 

IF I GO

1. Something goes wrong with us and we break up - awkward weekend

2. I keep my mouth shut, everything goes well

a. it helps the relationship a bit b/c she sees us outside our stress shell and having fun! (I told her this)

b. She remembers she wants space, annoyed that I went and this **** takes longer, or kills her wanting to be with me

 

IF I DON'T GO

1. We get back together - she holds this over my head.. crap

2. We break, lose-lose

 

But we talk this out.. I tell her I considered (b/c I love her) that when we get back we'd be in space still which was fine, but if I'm only staying over tonight bc it's a convenience and you don't want me here... I can't do that. I need to think about myself. I'm not going to stay at my place, meet you and fake happy this weekend. She understood.

 

So here's where we left it... I think I screwed myself though. Prolonged breakup.

 

lol

 

I told her, we love eachother, we care about eachother, I am working on me to be the best guy I can be... and I asked her to focus on the positive of our relationship for now... and go, have fun with her bff (female) at the wedding and we'll see how things go. She was very happy, she hugged me, said I love you and kissed me. She called it a girl's weekend.. and we'll reassess our relationship when she gets back. I asked her to grab dinner with me tuesday night and she agreed. We said I love you, I care about you, and kissed kissed multiple times before I left.

 

This gave me hope.

 

The next day we had brief texting and it was short and what felt like cold from her. I offered to help her to the airport and pick her up. She denied both. So now I am just waiting for her to make the next move....

 

I'm over analyzing this.

 

I believe this could go 50/50... or I could end it.

 

 

I care about her, that's for sure. I do love her. She's just driving me insane.

 

I am a student, full time mind you. And she's going to be.

 

I feel like something in her life is bothering her - unsettled right now (she's 25) and she wants to be, but I wish I could, but I feel like it doens't work like THAT yet... especially when you're a student.

 

ugh

 

help? Advice? I'm sorry this is super long, but kudos to you for reading it and thanks for the help in advance!!!!!!

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

You're back!!!? :eek:

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You're back!!!? :eek:

 

k?

 

Yeah... sadly, I am...

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Dante311 Established Member

Dante311

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Okay....Ummm.....what happened?

 

there was a wedding this weekend in philly we were going to together.

 

Mind you, she had me move EVERYTHING out and wanted space. But when we talk, it's about us (yeah, I take responsibility I annoyed her a bit)

 

... well after going back and forth on the why do you want me to come bit (is it b/c you don't want to be alone or you want ME to come... and she responded both numerous times) I agreed to go. We were both happy.

 

...that day we spoke. She was talking about plans for Sat morning to go.. and I'd sleep over her place so it's convenient to leave early.. given the circumstances, I over analyzed this. She invited me over that afternoon too, but I declined saying I was busy. I just didn't want to encroach her space and piss her off more - so I can try and save this relationship. but when she used the word convenient and alluded to my staying over that night... it was goodnight.

 

After my run, she let me know my paycheck arrived at her place (remember, I was SUPPOSED to move in..). I go over, she's a bit irritated I showed up unannounced. Umm, I'm your boyfriend, that shouldn't matter? What are you, cheating on me? anyhow... I'm supposed to trust her so I don't say anything.

 

Side note: her male roommate put in her a/c.. that pissed me off. I don't know why, but it did.

 

Anyhow, I told her how I felt about the convenient comment, but did remind her everything I'm doing is to show her I WANT this relationship, there's something special about us and I see a future with her. she agreed. I hope she agreed b/c she saw it too... anyhow, we talked about possibly ending it - but after I told her that if I went, I was ready to have fun, and understood we'd probably go right back to space afterwards, and she nodded that it probably would happen - I thought in my head if I go and we have fun, she'll remember she wanted space and this will probably prolong the break - even if it's a good time. Or if I go and we fight, the trip will suck. and we'll break up.

 

I didn't give her those reasons. We agreed, she'd go to the wedding with her friend (female a bff) and have a girl's weekend but remain faithful to eachother. We're still together etc... and that we'd reassess us. Now, I'm giving her her space, but even if we're together.. idk.. part of me is hopeless in the long term of this space. I'm trying, but I just don't know. I want to trust this at face value that it COULD work. she could come back missing me. and we could see eachother and start a new...

I guess now it's really one day at a time.

 

Some of my friends believe b/c she's being a bit distant now, she wants to break up without hurting either of us b/c she does love me and care about me...

 

I don't get relationships anymore.

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