ChrisPA5126 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Our scenario is a wee unusual. We met online, approx two months ago. Haven't met as yet, and have been dating for a month so far. We're both adults. I know I'm not the best looking person either, but I TRIED telling myself physical appearance can go so far in a relationship. I know being in a mature relationship, the physical aspect isn't significant, as it soon fades, but I can't bring myself to actually believe it. He's amazing! He's inhabits a tremendous personality, intelligent, kind, ambitious, but I'm NOT physically attracted to him. The worst part? I told him I was, as he is VERY self-conscious about his face. He also mentioned he wants me to be physically attracted to him--therefore, I can't go back on my word and admit that I've been lying to him all along. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I also..may have admitted to loving him. I DO..but not every aspect. I can't get over this. He has abandonment issues (his father leaving when he was younger), and he's so loyal. Point being, he is a really great person, and I KNOW he'll always treat me well, but I also realized I was in a predicament last night when I started having an orgasm, and once I tried picturing him, I was no longer aroused. Like I said, we've never met, but nor am I sexually attracted to him. I feel as if I'm settling, and it's a very selfish on my behalf. I also recently found myself focusing on his negative attributes (Not that there's much) but the fact that he's clingy, and NEEDY, and there are times where he's asked ME to be needier...which I've deemed a bit strange. Again, this can derive from a repressed memory of his father walking out of his life. He really is a great guy, but I can't bring myself to continue this relationship. It's not fair to him..not at all. PLEASE. Some advice, ANY advice would be helpful.
LittleTiger Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You haven't met him, so whatever you, or he, think you are feeling, at the moment it's all 'virtual'. Does he live a distance away? If not, why have you not met after two months of chatting? If you know you're not interested, just tell him you have changed your mind or that you've met someone else. Anything really - the whole friendship, never mind 'relationship', is built on lies. Unless you're planning to marry the guy and have his children you don't have much choice but to start being honest.
KaterinaVon Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 A physical attraction to your partner is a must in my book. What's the difference between a really nice friend and a partner ? Answer ? The physical attraction. Friends are just people we are not sexually attracted to, and that's fine, that's the reason they are friends and not partners. He is your friend, not lover, not partner. You can't have sex with someone you find physically repulsive or unattractive. You might feel disgusted with yourself if you even go through with it. Lust doesn't build over time, it fades. So if you have already started with NOTHING in that department, then it will only get WORSE from there on in. By the way, sure, looks do fade with time, but come on ! A person who is attractive who takes good care of themselves will look hot for at least 45 years of his.her life ! that's a long time. You can always tell when someone was attractive in their youth too, I see older men and women who have taken remarkable care of themselves and look good. So, NO, while looks do fade, they don't disappear, this guy will be ugly forever to you. DO NOT string him along because then that will be rude and insensitive. Just tell him you see him as a friend. Or that you are not ready for a relationship at the moment. Better to do it sooner rather than later when you will really hurt his feelings more as he will be even more invested.
USMCHokie Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 PLEASE. Some advice, ANY advice would be helpful. Leave gracefully. 1
Aedra Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 You're not going to feel good about yourself...but you owe it to him to tell him the truth. Profusely apologize, list all his great attributes, but then tell him why you can't continue the relationship due to lack of chemistry. It'll just be alot worse if you delay it.
salparadise Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I think you should end it, but please don't tell him that you find him unattractive. There is no point in crushing him. Be kind. You can be truthful without saying everything you think. Just say that you've realized that a long-distance virtual relationship is not right for you, and wish him the best. Then cease communication. I do hope you have realized that this is a fantasy that you have indulged. I don't know how you rationalize that you're "dating" someone if you haven't met him in person, much less been on a date. This notion (which seems to run rampant on this forum) that people are somehow obliged to verbalize every thought that passes between their ears is hogwash. Anyone who would actually do that... well, does not have a firm grasp on reality.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Tell him exactly why, and break it off, and deal with the guilt. Its your fault for continuing this knowing he is self conscious about his face. LEt him know not everyone will be physically attracted to him and its not a big deal, and that you wanted to try to get past it and you couldnt. It will be his job to boost his own self esteem, thats not your job anymore.
salparadise Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Tell him exactly why, and break it off, and deal with the guilt. Its your fault for continuing this knowing he is self conscious about his face. LEt him know not everyone will be physically attracted to him and its not a big deal, and that you wanted to try to get past it and you couldnt. It will be his job to boost his own self esteem, thats not your job anymore. Perfect example of typical forum hogwash. Being harsh and hurtful is not necessary or desirable. What would that accomplish? 1
CarrieT Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Perfect example of typical forum hogwash. Being harsh and hurtful is not necessary or desirable. What would that accomplish? There is nothing wrong with being honest without being harsh. My fiance knew that I was not physically attracted to him when we first met, but he did not have the self-confidence issues the OP's guy has and we moved beyond it. Sometimes it is possible for people to move forward with a relationship (as I did) without physical attraction, but apparently the OP is not that type of person. Her best bet is to be honest to the extent that she admits to be shallow in that regard. Many are - some are not. The problem here is that she hasn't even met the guy in person so she is basing this entirely on ephemeral knowledge and not first-hand experience.
gaius Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Meet him in person. Some people just aren't that photogenic but look much better in real life.
Recommended Posts