hoplessly_hoping Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) I am new to this, so I hope I'm posting in the correct place. I will try and keep this breif, but putting 10 years of emotions, and my life into a paragraph is so difficult. I have literally ran out of ideas on what to do next, I have tried going cold turkey and no contact, councilling, and spiritual healing, advise from friends, family etc and nothing helps me move on so I am hoping somebody will be able to offer me some advise. I met "John" 10 years ago, and it was as if I had known him all my life, we hit it off instantly and there was a definate physical attraction too. For the past 10 years we have dated casually on and off. We lived in different towns, roughly 1 hour away from each other, but we would make the effort to see each other, even if it was only for half a day. When walking down the street he would always be the one who grabbed my hand proudly, while sitting on the sofa would offer his arm to me to cuddle up to. The relationship was not all about the physical side, but more the intamate side (cuddling, holding hands, kissing etc). In the mornings he would grab my arm and lie on it and beg me not to go to work and stay with him. Give me promises of a life we could have together and all the experiences we could share. He would confide in me when he was sad, upset, worried, or concerned about something or needing advise, and share the things he was happy with. He has told me he loves me on more than one occasion but not to my face or directly...for example as he was walking out the room he said "I would tell you I love you". Everyone I would seek advise from would always say you two are meant to be and belive me I wouldnt just give the side of the story which made everything sound perfect. I have cried my fair share over this man, and he knows it he can be cruel. I have had other relationships where I feel like I have been in love with my partners but I have always had an ache in my heart for "John" a memory would always reserface or a feeling that no one else has ever given me would be missed, and me and "John" would always find each other again. The longest we have been out of touch is 2 years in the 10 years of knowing each other. When we got in contact and met up after the 2 years he asked me if I wanted children and when I said yes his face dropped and he explained he couldnt have children, after he rang me to tell me he has looked into his options of being able to have children. This gave me hope that he was looking at me as a seriously, we were seeing each other maybe once a week, I was offered an interview of my dream job in London which I told him about and he was very negative about it and expressed to me he didnt want me to go, but didnt ask me to stay either. I asked him where we stood with each other and another excuse would come up "I'm not in a good place to be in a relationship", things after that started to go cold and calls/texts became less and less. I met somebody else which I told him about and he became angry and I askeds him if he ever thought me and him could ever be together which he replied "I dont know, just see where it goes with this new bloke" this conversation became aggressive, a lot of hurtful words where said from him, but he wouldnt tell me he didnt want me which is what I wanted so I could move on. Things calmed and we talked as friends then I learned he had started a new relationship with somebody else which again hurt me as he told me he wasnt in a position to be in a relationship. The most recent was we started talking and he told me he wasnt happy and that he is worried he has found "Mrs Right" but now shes gone, I asked who and he replied that it was me. We met and it was a really nice night, again it was like we just slipped into a couple without being one. We kept it as friends as he is still in a relationship he became annoyed when I suggested he liked his girlfriend more than he's letting on and he said that he wouldnt like her any more than he does now and he doesnt see a future with her. We shared a bed but was just cuddling and talking, I left in the night because my heart was breaking lying next to the man who I love and can't have. Since then there was a few texts between us, but now I havent spoken to him for a few weeks but I think about him every day, my body and heart ache for him, I have even tried spiritual healing a cutting the ties, re-training my thoughts exercises but this feeling I have for him is so strong I am so worried that I am now 30 and I am missing out on having a family, and happy future with this burden. Have I wasted 10 years of my life on a lie? Or was there something there? Am I giving up to soon, and should I fight for him? The way I see it is he has two different personalities the loving caring sweet one who I think wants to be with me, and then the cold, cruel, nasty side who either likes playing head games and doesnt want to be with me or does want to be with me and is too scared to commit. I dont know what else to write except there is so much more that has happend between us which I couldn't even begin to write about as there is just to much. I don't even know what to expect from this, I have had every bit of advise given to me from friends, family, and even professionals. Even now writing this I am getting butterflies...will this feeling ever go? Edited May 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs added, Please Use Them
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