How to let a relationship develop and NOT RUSH!

May 28, 2013

Hey all! I seem to have a problem with not letting relationships develop naturally, and I tend to rush them and ultimately push the girl away. I think I did this with the last girl that I went on a couple of dates with. I did feel a connection with her, but I dont know if she just didnt feel it with me OR if I drove her away. I didnt call or text her constantly, instead I tried to wait for her to initiate some contact with me, but she NEVER did. I was always the one initiating the contact, red flag? After our second date (which I felt went pretty well) I thanked her the next day and she didnt contact until 3.5 days later saying that "I seemed like a nice guy, but I wasnt the for her!"

So my question is, how do you just let a relationship naturally develop without giving up too much too early on? I seem to have a VERY bad problem in doing this, and it's killing my relationships I feel like.

May 28, 2013

Sometimes you cant rush it and you have to let it develop.

It sounds like in this dating with her it sounds as if she wasnt interested in you or your were plan B.

sometimes that happens and there really isnt much you can do about it.

Is it possible you did something that turned her off?? its possible?

Is it possible you didnt do something that she expected from a guy she was interested in and by you not doing it said to her you werent interested? possible.

May 28, 2013

Sometimes you cant rush it and you have to let it develop.

It sounds like in this dating with her it sounds as if she wasnt interested in you or your were plan B.

sometimes that happens and there really isnt much you can do about it.

Is it possible you did something that turned her off?? its possible?

Is it possible you didnt do something that she expected from a guy she was interested in and by you not doing it said to her you werent interested? possible.

The thing is, I tried to let this develop naturally, but she never EVER communicated with me. She agreed to a second daye which led me to beleive she was interested, and even let me kiss her at the end of that date. I just feel like if a girl TRULY likes me she would want to talk to me, even a little bit, outside of a date ya know.

Oh well I'm over it, moving on to the next one and hoping to do better

May 28, 2013

The thing is, I tried to let this develop naturally, but she never EVER communicated with me. She agreed to a second daye which led me to beleive she was interested, and even let me kiss her at the end of that date. I just feel like if a girl TRULY likes me she would want to talk to me, even a little bit, outside of a date ya know.

Oh well I'm over it, moving on to the next one and hoping to do better

Not sure of your age....some women do wait for the man to chase them and thus contact them.

Even between dates they wait for the guy to initiate all contact.

second date doesnt mean much....same with a kiss.

My rules on dating are if there were no red flags on the first date do a second date and see how things go.

With the kiss...some women want to kiss to see how it feels to see if it sparks them. If they dont get such a joy with kissing you then it kills there interest.

May 28, 2013

IME when someone is really really into you there is no such thing as rushing.

However, relationships that burn brightest are often shortest.

May 28, 2013

This seems like trying to force it, rather than trying to keep from rushing it. While you can do things to pace a relationship (have plenty of your own hobbies that you don't just drop for someone you're dating, and have your own friends), it's impossible to force a relationship if both people don't want it.

May 28, 2013

I agree with Treasa in the sense that it seems like forcing versus rushing. When I started dating my BF, it was a mutual effort. I think what had worked for us in the beginning was that we weren't playing any kind of mind games. He wanted to talk to me so he was very attentive and initiating. I was also very interested in talking to him, so I didn't mind when he would message me right away or continue to talk throughout the day. I reciprocated and initiated as well. It became balanced.

I think perhaps you not talking to her after your second date gave her a sign that you were not interested. Usually after a date a man takes the lead and just says "I had a great time tonight. Hope we can do it again?" and see how the girl responds. Just because you communicated with your date the night that it ended or the day after, it doesn't mean you're rushing. It shows you're interested without being pushy. But if you're desperate and trying to make a relationship out of something it's not, then you're forcing.

Just keep it light, talk to whoever you have an interest for and gauge whether they have the same interest back.

Edited May 28, 2013 by CherryT

May 28, 2013

If your date strongly disliked you, nothing you do can change that. If she "loved" you, you get some slack. If she's non-committal, your enthusiasm, interest, and persistence often become deciding factors to whether there is a next date.

I thought you should have been more aggressive in your communication efforts following your first date. Going silent between your first and second date, expecting her to initiate was not a good idea.

My post first-date experience:

I hear from him the same night if he was excited. He'll also secure a second date at the end of the first date. Otherwise, I'll hear the next day and he'll ask for a date then. (I'm a fun date, so I've always gotten the option of a second date.) After that he'll usually initiate contact at least once or twice daily. I guess I could contact him, but the guy contacts me often enough that there is no need. I have run into the rare guy who goes a few days without contacting me. I read that as lack of interest and my interest plummets. I move on immediately. Ditto if he only texts. I'll suggest a call. If he continues to text only, I just move on. We really aren't a fit if he can't hold a conversation. The point of dating is to make a connection with someone. No communication means I can't connect. No connection=no point. I move on to someone else. My approach has worked very well to get me relationships with compatible guys.

If that level of communication feels unnatural to you. That's okay. Eventually, you'll meet someone who finds your natural communication style a good fit. Your goal is to find a good fit. There's a lid for every pot.

Also, you're discounting the importance of that kiss. My impression was that she was very much on the fence going into the second date. Indeed, she took several days to get back to you when you finally contacted her. If a guy is amazing, the date is amazing, and we have amazing chemistry, I would overlook a mediocre kiss (although the kiss has always been fabulous when everything else is great). If the guy barely contacted me, the date was okay, and I'm on the fence, a mediocre or bad kiss reinforces that things really just aren't viable. It's the final nail in the coffin.

You seemed very ambivalent and defeatist about your date in your other thread. That can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That may have been part of the issue. Who knows?

Either way, not a fit. It happens. Just continue looking.

May 29, 2013

I agree with Treasa in the sense that it seems like forcing versus rushing. When I started dating my BF, it was a mutual effort. I think what had worked for us in the beginning was that we weren't playing any kind of mind games. He wanted to talk to me so he was very attentive and initiating. I was also very interested in talking to him, so I didn't mind when he would message me right away or continue to talk throughout the day. I reciprocated and initiated as well. It became balanced.

I think perhaps you not talking to her after your second date gave her a sign that you were not interested. Usually after a date a man takes the lead and just says "I had a great time tonight. Hope we can do it again?" and see how the girl responds. Just because you communicated with your date the night that it ended or the day after, it doesn't mean you're rushing. It shows you're interested without being pushy. But if you're desperate and trying to make a relationship out of something it's not, then you're forcing.

Just keep it light, talk to whoever you have an interest for and gauge whether they have the same interest back.

CherryT, I did send her a message and thanking her and let her know I had a good time, she simply didnt respond! After our first date I did as well and she responded, but after our second date she didnt respond to my message at all. Instead, 3 days later she lets me know she wasn't interested, annoying.

I honestly felt like I did everything I knew how to do without being pushy towards this girl. I initiated ALL communication, she just didnt reciprocate at all. Oh well no hard feelings, you live and you learn I suppose!

Edited May 29, 2013 by SaintNick

May 29, 2013

If your date strongly disliked you, nothing you do can change that. If she "loved" you, you get some slack. If she's non-committal, your enthusiasm, interest, and persistence often become deciding factors to whether there is a next date.

I thought you should have been more aggressive in your communication efforts following your first date. Going silent between your first and second date, expecting her to initiate was not a good idea.

My post first-date experience:
I hear from him the same night if he was excited. He'll also secure a second date at the end of the first date. Otherwise, I'll hear the next day and he'll ask for a date then. (I'm a fun date, so I've always gotten the option of a second date.) After that he'll usually initiate contact at least once or twice daily. I guess I could contact him, but the guy contacts me often enough that there is no need. I have run into the rare guy who goes a few days without contacting me. I read that as lack of interest and my interest plummets. I move on immediately. Ditto if he only texts. I'll suggest a call. If he continues to text only, I just move on. We really aren't a fit if he can't hold a conversation. The point of dating is to make a connection with someone. No communication means I can't connect. No connection=no point. I move on to someone else. My approach has worked very well to get me relationships with compatible guys.

If that level of communication feels unnatural to you. That's okay. Eventually, you'll meet someone who finds your natural communication style a good fit. Your goal is to find a good fit. There's a lid for every pot.

Also, you're discounting the importance of that kiss. My impression was that she was very much on the fence going into the second date. Indeed, she took several days to get back to you when you finally contacted her. If a guy is amazing, the date is amazing, and we have amazing chemistry, I would overlook a mediocre kiss (although the kiss has always been fabulous when everything else is great). If the guy barely contacted me, the date was okay, and I'm on the fence, a mediocre or bad kiss reinforces that things really just aren't viable. It's the final nail in the coffin.

You seemed very ambivalent and defeatist about your date in your other thread. That can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That may have been part of the issue. Who knows?

Either way, not a fit. It happens. Just continue looking.

CutiePie, so you're saying that you beleive me thinking she wasnt intertested ultimately led to her NOT being interested? I mean If a girl doesnt communicate with a guy there is really nothing that the guy can do to change that.

I like to communicate and talk to people if I like them, and the fact that she wouldnt do that after our first date is what really led me to beleive she wasn't intertested. I actually went into the second date thinking that she was interest6ed, so its not like I had a poor attitude during the date, we seemed to have a good time actually.

May 29, 2013

CutiePie, so you're saying that you beleive me thinking she wasnt intertested ultimately led to her NOT being interested? I mean If a girl doesnt communicate with a guy there is really nothing that the guy can do to change that.

I like to communicate and talk to people if I like them, and the fact that she wouldnt do that after our first date is what really led me to beleive she wasn't intertested. I actually went into the second date thinking that she was interest6ed, so its not like I had a poor attitude during the date, we seemed to have a good time actually.

What happens around the date is as important as what happens on the date.

Feedback since you sought clarification (please don't view this as criticism)...and apologies if I'm wrong on a detail in this timeline.

First date happens following exchange on the OLD site, and at the end of the date she tells you how much she enjoyed the date.

*No request from you for a second date despite the opening she gave you*

*No communication from you that night*

(Classic blow-off behavior on your part)

Next day you send a text saying you had a good time, and she responds promptly.

*No request from you for a second date*

*No further communication from you for a week* (You're "testing" her and waiting for her to contact you! Good luck getting a non-desperate woman to call you and ask you on a date in this scenario!)

(Again, classic blow-off behavior on your part. Certainly not what you get from a guy who's excited to date you or has his act together and is looking seriously for a girlfriend.)

(I don't personally know any woman who sticks around hoping you might reappear after you disappear without asking for a follow-up date...you blew her off...on to the next guy who might actually be interested.)

You finally get around to contacting her...a week later.

She responds several days after that. Second date set.

*Did you try to call periodically to right the bus and re-establish a connection after the date was set?* (I can pretty much guarantee some other guy on Match was doing just that and working on his connection with her while you sat around again "testing" to see if she would contact you.)

Date#2. She asks to end the date early. You ask for a kiss. She agrees. (I would learn to read body language rather then asking. Unless she finds you utterly repulsive, she's not going to say "no" when you ask and hurt your feelings.)

*No request for another date*

You wait and send a text the next morning

*No request for another date*

A few days later she texts that it's not a match.

I gave you a summary before of a few of the things guys do with me. Now I've pointed out how that differed from what you did. Hope that helps.

Your approach will probably work at some point. Just unlikely to end up getting anywhere with any woman who has options.

Edited May 29, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

May 29, 2013

What happens around the date is as important as what happens on the date.

Feedback since you sought clarification (please don't view this as criticism)...and apologies if I'm wrong on a detail in this timeline.

First date happens following exchange on the OLD site, and at the end of the date she tells you how much she enjoyed the date.
*No request from you for a second date despite the opening she gave you*
*No communication from you that night*
(Classic blow-off behavior on your part)

Next day you send a text saying you had a good time, and she responds promptly.
*No request from you for a second date*
*No further communication from you for a week* (You're "testing" her and waiting for her to contact you! Good luck getting a non-desperate woman to call you and ask you on a date in this scenario!)
(Again, classic blow-off behavior on your part. Certainly not what you get from a guy who's excited to date you or has his act together and is looking seriously for a girlfriend.)

(I don't personally know any woman who sticks around hoping you might reappear after you disappear without asking for a follow-up date...you blew her off...on to the next guy who might actually be interested.)

You finally get around to contacting her...a week later.
She responds several days after that. Second date set.
*Did you try to call periodically to right the bus and re-establish a connection after the date was set?* (I can pretty much guarantee some other guy on Match was doing just that and working on his connection with her while you sat around again "testing" to see if she would contact you.)

Date#2. She asks to end the date early. You ask for a kiss. She agrees. (I would learn to read body language rather then asking. Unless she finds you utterly repulsive, she's not going to say "no" when you ask and hurt your feelings.)
*No request for another date*
You wait and send a text the next morning
*No request for another date*
A few days later she texts that it's not a match.

I gave you a summary before of a few of the things guys do with me. Now I've pointed out how that differed from what you did. Hope that helps.

Your approach will probably work at some point. Just unlikely to end up getting anywhere with any woman who has options.

While I greatly appreciate your feedback, its not even CLOSE to accurate! The reason I didn't text this girl right away after our first "meeting" was because it was late on a Thursday night and we both had work early the next morning. Also, I did text her first thing the next morning and said I had a great time and hope to see her again which, to which she agreed! We met on a Thursday and I texted her Friday morning and then again on Saturday to see how she was doing. She told me on Thursday night (during our date) that she was going out of town on Sunday with her girlfriends. She was VERY short winded on Saturday, I figured she was getting ready for her trip.

So I call her on Sunday night just to try and set up a second date (what I feel is my ONLY mistake here). She didnt answer so I left a voicemail. She NEVER called me back. So I end up texting her on Tuesday and ask for a second date to which she agrees. We solidify plans for Friday, go out, and have what seemed like a good time. I kissed her that night while walking her to her door, and text her the next morning again telling her how good of a time I had again with her. NO RESPONSE!! We were both at the same concert on Sunday night and I text her, no response! She then texts me on Monday morning says that "I seem like a great guy, but am not the guy for her!"

Please explain to me how I messed up? I texted her when necessary, didnt blow up her phone with calls and texts, and the whole time she doesnt communicate properly with me. I'm sure I made mistakes and I'll own up to them, but I think the breakdown was in her communication, am I wrong?

May 30, 2013

Without actually being there or going into details, I don't think Op has done anything wrong. It didn't appear that he rushed. Maybe expectation was unrealistic, but really you didn't do anything inappropriate. There was just no chemistry. The kiss is really important. The girl I want right now told me on our 1st date that the kiss determines chemistry for a lot of women. We ended up kissing for the next 90 minutes.... it was amazing, and I was completely swept off my feet. She was getting really turned on, and told me she wants to have sex with me, but also wanted to know me better so we can have GREAT sex later. I respect her soooooo much because of how sexual she is, as well as her self-control. I am definitely not gonna rush things...she is a keeper.

May 30, 2013

Without actually being there or going into details, I don't think Op has done anything wrong. It didn't appear that he rushed. Maybe expectation was unrealistic, but really you didn't do anything inappropriate. There was just no chemistry. The kiss is really important. The girl I want right now told me on our 1st date that the kiss determines chemistry for a lot of women. We ended up kissing for the next 90 minutes.... it was amazing, and I was completely swept off my feet. She was getting really turned on, and told me she wants to have sex with me, but also wanted to know me better so we can have GREAT sex later. I respect her soooooo much because of how sexual she is, as well as her self-control. I am definitely not gonna rush things...she is a keeper.

I agree with you, however, I will admit that I tried to force it as compared to letting things develop naturally. It's a mistake I tend to make because I DO want a relationship.

Not to toot my own horn, but I have been told by numerous women that I am a great kisser so I dont think it was the kiss, I think it was the timing of it. I truly beleive I tried to force it, and that gave off the wrong impression.

Hey, you live and you learn, right?

May 30, 2013

Right on bro. Just listen to your inner self, and don't take things so seriously. Seems like you learned from the past, and that's all that matters.

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