Tired, Sad & Afraid

[Dreary Day]

I think I am being emotionally abused in my marriage. I believe my husband is at best, a narcissist and at worse, a sociopath. He will not go to a doctor or a counselor, so we will probably never know.

 

This is going to be a very long post. Thank you to whoever sticks with me.

 

I have been married for 11 years. He has always been controlling, but it has gotten worse and become unbearable. In hindsight I should have never married him. He is very charming, but so manipulative. I fell for the charm and fell in love. We were both young, but I guess I was the dumb one.

 

He has an unstable job history. He will get a job, do well for a few months, and then suddenly quit. He cannot handle authority or criticism. If anyone at work is negative towards him, he just quits. If his siblings disagree with him, he will refuse to talk to them for months (even years with his brother). His parents died when he was in his early 20s.

 

Now he has not had a job since January. He does not get unemployment because he quit. I make $45K per year, but that is not enough to support a family of 5 in a high rent area like Maryland. I make just enough for rent, groceries, utilities and gas. I have no extra money for the kids clothes. They had to quit sports because I can't afford it and the cleats, equipment that go along with it. It makes me really sad because I loved to go to their games and cheer for them.

 

My sister upset my husband at one point because she had an alcohol issue. She addressed it and hasn't been drinking for over two years. My sister lives with my parents. My husband refuses to allow my sister to have any contact with my kids due to the alcohol issue. This means I can't take the kids to see my parents or to any family parties because she will be there. She has a son (their cousin) that they are not allowed to see. He won't consider giving her another chance. This has hurt my parents, my sister and me so much. He doesn't care.

 

You probably will say, just take them anyway. I have tried. It turns into a huge ordeal and he involves the kids. He will tell the kids he will leave them if they go with me. He will start a big temper tantrum with yelling, threats to leave and it will end with the kids begging him to stay. He doesn't see or care that this hurts our kids. He scares me or embarrasses me into submission. I'm not proud but it's true. I don't know what to do.

 

He pays a lot of attention to the kids and seems like a good dad. They love him very much. He uses the kids as his tools for control though. They don't see it, and are too young to see what is going on. They just want daddy here. He makes me look like the bad guy. I don't want my kids to hate me. I love them so much.

 

I know that what he is doing is isolating me & my kids from my family. He has pulled this crap many times now and now I won't even ask to go to family functions because I know he will drag the kids into it. I don't think it's fair to them, so I just don't go. It hurts me so much though. I love my parents and family and want them to know my kids. My kids have a great extended family living 30 minutes away that they can't even have fun with.

 

I want to separate and have discussed it with him many times. As soon as I bring it up he panics. He makes all kind of threats, but none physical. He says he will try to get me fired at work. I have mild Tourette's (no major tics, but I make a quiet hmmm sound after each sentence). If I have to give a presentation or speak in a meeting at work, I will sometimes smoke marijuana because it helps my Tourette's. The prescribed drugs for Tourette's are too strong, zonk me out, have awful side effects and don't even work that well. He says he will tell my job I smoke weed or tell the courts if we divorce so that they will think I'm a pothead.

 

He threatens to damage my car so I won't have a way to work. The cable, internet, electric bill are in his name and he threatens to get them cut off. Our credit is not good so I would need big deposits to get them put in my name and I just can't afford it. He threatens to do things that are against our lease so that we will get evicted from our rental.

 

Basically, he threatens and manipulates me into doing what he wants. I do it to keep the peace and to keep my kids from hearing us argue and him being mean to me.

 

Everything is game or a competition to him. He has to win every argument. He lies constantly. He always undermines me with the kids. He has a way of making me look like the mean one in front of the kids. I have no support.

 

He constantly accuses me of cheating and lying and I have never cheated on him or lied to him. There has not even been one incident of flirting or hiding things. Nothing. He just doesn't trust me. He makes me feel like I have to prove my every move. If I am five minutes late due to traffic I get yelled at as soon as I walk in the door. I am afraid my kids will think I am untrustworthy because of this treatment. I tell them I never lie to daddy but I know this is not good for them. He is so used to lying and manipulating that he things everybody does it. He is so stubborn he can't admit when he's wrong.

 

I can't afford to move out and get another place. He has not physically abused me, so I can't make him leave. Both our names are on the lease. My parents do not have enough room for us. My kids are happy & well adjusted at their schools and I wish he would leave. I don't think I should have to leave when I pay the rent and all the bills. In MD you have to be separated for a year to get a divorce, but he won't leave to even start the process.

 

I have no extra money for an attorney. He does not threaten physical violence so I don't have any reason to get a restaining order. Plus, I think it would send him over the edge.

 

When he feels like he is out of control, I can see his anxiety level rise. I am afraid he would take the kids or turn them against me to punish me.

 

As long as I am agreeable to everything he wants, he is a good guy. He is affectionate, helpful, funny, sweet. It's just I have no say in any decisions, and when I stand my ground, he makes these threats and involves the kids.

 

I think he has a mental disorder, but he never takes it far enough to warrant intervention. He does not threaten suicide or physical harm, so I feel as though I can't do anything about it.

 

I am sick and tired of living this way, but I don't have the resources to get an attorney. I have no money to go to counseling to get stronger. I am also afraid of what would happen. I do think he may have the potential for physical violence if felt he was losing everything. I am worried for my physical safety if we split. I am worried that he will tell lies about me to the kids. I am worried he will make my life a living hell (as he has vowed to do).

 

Has anyone else had any experience with this? I want to end the marriage, but my fears are valid and very real to me. I feel paralyzed. I have been trying to handle this by agreeing with him, not rocking the boat, and going along with whatever he wants. It works in keeping him calm, but it is not the life I want. I feel trapped and alone. I stay because I fear splitting up will do more emotional harm to my kids than staying and keeping the peace.

 

It's sad because I am a smart and attractive woman. All I wanted was a happy family. I don't want to give up on my family but I feel like I am living with a crazy person, I really do. You can't reason with him at all. He won't even consider that he may be wrong.

 

Thanks for listening. Any advice welcome.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Dreary Day

[Simpleoldschool]

MD?

 

what state is that? im thinking maryland.

 

First there are some things that you have keyed in on. Regardless of a complete diagnosis from your description he definately is a narcisist. Narcissists are people who view everything as Imperferect, except themselves. read this and see if it fits.

 

 

Aggressive narcissism

 

This is Factor 1 in the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, which includes the following traits:

 

• Glibness/superficial charm
  
• Grandiose sense of self-worth
  
• Pathological lying
  
• Cunning/manipulative
  

• Lack of remorse or guilt
  
• Callous/lack of empathy
  
• Failure to accept responsibility
  

there are also a few important things you need to know. To a narcisisst you are viewed the same as an object. You are not viewed as a human being. Everything in the narcissists world should be an extension of themselves and only is considered as such if you are one of these. a narcisisstic supplyier.

 

Those who are providers of narcissistic supply may find themselves being treated as if they are a part of the narcissist. If in such a case the narcissist beilieves you are supplying his need for constant gratification of ego then they are nice. It is when you interfear with the ego and conceit, that you are no longer supplying the narcissist. he beilieves everything exists to supply and supplicate his ego. everything adversely is considered, according to a narcissist something to discard.

 

they simply use people, according to the level of narcissistic supply and then, once its gone and we as people start behaving more normal and making certain evaluations of the narcisists treatment to them we are being critical. anything other than absolute compliments geared to suggest perfection will cause a narcissist to become agressive and manipulitive. the manipulation is in a way forcing a narcisistic supply. in actuality narcisissts have the lowest self-esteems because they are so critical of themselves they try to be perfect. they are the only ones who dont see their assumptionns of themselves as critical. Its a crazy process, it is pathological and psychotic.

 

To be very honest, the only difference between you and a lamp to a narcisisst is, that you can verbally and physically gratify him. other than that you have no more value then the lamp.

 

Im going to look up some things in maryland and see if i cant couensel you on how to get away. LET ME SAY THIS. the man will never love you or the kids. Narcisissts are INCAPABLE of love. They dont understand what it is and because of their disorder never will. No one is important except them.

 

i say that they cant love you, because they beilieve love is only and should only be reserved for them. not given. there is no balance in a relationship with a narcissist.

 

To be honest i think there is an abuse hotline that can get you out of the house and into a dwelling place where you can be away from him.

 

Let me check up on a few things to make sure you can get out of the house and stay out of the house for good.

 

what im going to say is going to be difficult to do but can help you.

 

I hope you have some extra cash. Because if you do, and you have an apartment lease or whatever and something is in his name, because of the valid reason of having to run away from this situation most likely the bills will have to be paid by him even if he doesnt have a job. who cares, hes a narcissist. I understand you may beilieve you love him, but like any other type of abuse its abuse trauma. your emotions are scared and you want to heal so you try to get the narcissist to approve of you. in your level headed mind when hes nice he seems human but far from the truth you only see a gratified ego.

 

In divorce there is something called a mutual restraining order that can be filed. It is temporary and adresses payments and to whom, and that no contact can be made directly or if you wish by way of third party between you and him. your new adress and everything will be kept as priveledged information. It also states no one can abuse molest or interfear with the daily life and activities of another. and if somehow he finds you call the police. he will go to jail and upon evaluation in court he will be most likely sent back or at the very least an order finalized to restrain him from contacting you or being in any proximaty of you and your kids.

 

Let me figure out the details and then chose if this is something you want to do. ill write more later.

 

p.s.

 

you can request that the mutual restraining order be finalized. im really going to try to work this from an angle that benefits you and the kids.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Dreary Day]

Yes, it is Maryland. I am in Baltimore County.

 

What you said sounds just like him. I do feel like an object because my feelings don't matter to him. He does know how to appear loving, though. My family has seen glimpses of the real him, and his family has, too. It's like he is a split personality. He is happy and nice if things go his way. He is mean and threatening if I disagree.

 

The narcisisst supply thing is true, too. If I give him compliments and supply him he is great. The kids give him lots of supply because they love him so much. He was a very popular guy in high school and got lots of supply. Over the years his dreams of success did not happen and he doesn't get much supply because there is not much to admire about him. I have lost all respect for him because it's like I have another kid sometimes. A kid that is twice my size and can't be reasoned with. I am supporting all 5 of us and he is not even looking for a job. How can I respect or admire that?

 

If you call him out on the way he acts, he is so defensive and turns it around so I am defending myself. I do not give him his supply anymore because I know his true nature. The kids have not figured out his true nature yet, so he probably sees them an extension of himself and gets his supply from them now.

 

My poor kids. Once they figure him out, he is going to turn on them. I feel so bad for them. They are great kids and I just don't know how to shield them from this.

 

I have read some things online that scare me. There are women that left narcissists that said that he made it so bad she should have stayed. That is why I am afraid. I feel like this is bad now, but it could get even worse. I don't want to make things worse.

[Dreary Day]

I feel like I don't have grounds for a restraining order. He doesn't physically threaten me. He basically makes my life miserable but does it without physical pain. I feel like domestic abuse help is for women in physical danger. Its not right for me to use recources for women that are being beat.

 

I feel like I made a stupid mistake by marrying him. This is the man I picked for my kids father.

 

I don't have extra cash. My job has been only my income for six months. I could not pay my bills and save that money. I could try to find a second job.

 

I feel like whatever I do will be the wrong thing. If I stay like this my kids will end up having no respect for me. If I leave I might unleash rage that I haven't seen yet, then I might wish I never left. The kids might blame me if he is out on the street. He might tell lies about me to the kids.

 

I don't love him like a husband anymore. I don't want to be romantic with him anymore. I love him like a family member that has a mental problem. I want to avoid him, but I do still care and wish he would get help. I want to help him so that he can be a good person.

 

I know it's hopeless. He won't change. I have to be the one to change this.

[imtooconfused]

Firstly, Dreary Day, I am sincerely saddened by your situation. I can tell you are at your wits end and don't know what would be the right thing to do. Unfortunately, I don't have that much advice that I can give you because I am living through a lot of the same things that you are, especially as it concerns the children. I have not been able to have any success with my situation.

 

A lot of what Simpleoldschool rings to true, but one point stands out...

 

Narcisissts are INCAPABLE of love.

 

They want to have the appearances of a loving and caring relationship to further their self-image, but are not willing to put forth any effort to provide that love and caring that they expect in return.

 

I will be following this thread for my own clues, but can't provide much help.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no extra money for an attorney.

Look online or in the newspaper to find an attorney that offers a free initial consultation. Use some subterfuge to get out of the house to see him. Forward him your initial post here to save time in familiarizing him with your situation. You may at least have a better understanding of your options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simpleoldschool]

the type of mutual order i suggested can be part of any divorce process. abuse or not.

 

ill get back to you on this. Since im tired i wont be effective in communicating certain things.

[Dreary Day]

Thank you all for your suggestions.

 

imtooconfused, are you still married or are you divorced?

 

I have pretty much accepted that he is not going to change.

 

I have read other sites about NPD and divorcing them. There are some horror stories and some women wish they would've just stayed until the kids grew up. Others are glad they got out and have a better life.

 

It's just hard because days like today, he is fine. He is happy, gets kids ready for school, seems to care about everybody. This is our average day.

 

It is OK like that until there is a disagreement or he is not able to control everyone. This Saturday is my cousins graduation party. My whole family will be there, including my sister that he hates. He hasn't let us do anything where she is there for two years. I got him to agree for all five of us to go about a month ago. He even told the kids they could go. This weekend I mentioned it and his mood immediately changed. He then tried to say he only said "maybe" we could go, which is a complete lie. He says we can't go and I get upset because we already told the kids and my family. I try to reason with him by saying he's not being fair or reasonable. There are no safety concerns or legitimate reasons that we can't go. The more I push, the louder he gets. Then he says that I should go by myself. He can't deal with my sister, he doesn't want the kids being around her and if I can't respect that then he's going to leave. I'm just quiet, hoping he really will leave. Then he says he'll leave but he's calling & getting the utilities shut off, he's going to try to get us evicted and will tell the kids I made him leave and I am the reason they won't have TV or internet. If I go by myself, when I get back it will be all these accusations that I was cheating on him. He makes it so going to a freaking graduation party has so many repurcussions that I won't go. This kind of thing happens over & over.

 

I gave in to him because I don't want him to drag the kids into it. Last time he pulled this crap it ended up with him crying that he didn't want to go and the kids crying and begging him to stay. If I stand my ground, it just drama that I feel like I don't have the energy for anymore. Plus, I just can't put the kids through that again.

 

These are his kids too and he does not physically abuse them. He does not say mean things to them. He acts like he genuinely cares for them. He just uses them to get me to do what he wants. He knows they are my soft spot and he uses them to control me.

 

I wish there was an easy solution, but there isn't. I think I have two options, take whatever he dishes out and try to keep the peace for the kids , or to make a plan to leave, save money, talk to a lawyer and hope that he doesn't freak out, get me fired, take my kids and/or make them totally hate me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wish there was an easy solution, but there isn't. I think I have two options, take whatever he dishes out and try to keep the peace for the kids , or to make a plan to leave, save money, talk to a lawyer and hope that he doesn't freak out, get me fired, take my kids and/or make them totally hate me.

This isn't completely above board but your situation seems desperate.

 

Why not intentionally do or say something that you know will set him off and cause him to act inappropriately? Arrange to film or record the encounter, even if it's with your phone - at least getting audio - casually set off to the side. Use that recording to tell the court you fear for your safety and get a RO. It would at least give you time to pursue other options...

 

Mr. Lucky

[imtooconfused]

imtooconfused, are you still married or are you divorced? .

 

married

 

It's just hard because days like today, he is fine. He is happy, gets kids ready for school, seems to care about everybody. This is our average day.

 

yes, this freaks me out too. you never know when the next episode is going to come, and it catches you completely off guard. as a result, you never drop your guard.