Mrlonelyone Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 This is a thread where I need to vent. Messaged a woman on OKC. We chatted for a bit and seemed to be on the same wavelength so I decided to ask for a Coffee meet up to see if this was the same in person. She said oh I can't agree to a specific time on a specific day because I am on call for my job etc etc etc. I took it as a probable brush off and went about my business. Today she emails me about popping over a local coffee shop for a drink. I say look, I am used to someone being just a little too busy is a brush off. If you are still interested we can set a firm time and place to meet. Then she goes off on me for being a "game player" and won't respond. I'm not invested in this particular woman or anything but it seems I just can't win. I just get done with one woman with whom I was intimate in every way, yet it seems none of that mattered... to get to another woman who it turns out was married... to another woman who gives me a classic brush off line but apparently it wasn't. I wish someone could just give me the dating manual. Everything just seems to go wrong for me.
clia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I'm wondering why you needed to share that you thought she had brushed you off. I don't think you were wrong to think she didn't want to meet up with you given that she wouldn't initially give you a specific time and place, but it appears that when she did contact you about a date and named a specific place, rather than just agreeing to it (assuming you wanted to go), you gave her some story about how you thought she had brushed you off. Why bother? Just say "okay, when are you free?" and leave it at that. Why over complicate it? At any rate, her reaction seems a little goofy (I'm not sure why she called you a gameplayer), so maybe you are better off. 1
SaintNick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 This is a thread where I need to vent. Messaged a woman on OKC. We chatted for a bit and seemed to be on the same wavelength so I decided to ask for a Coffee meet up to see if this was the same in person. She said oh I can't agree to a specific time on a specific day because I am on call for my job etc etc etc. I took it as a probable brush off and went about my business. Today she emails me about popping over a local coffee shop for a drink. I say look, I am used to someone being just a little too busy is a brush off. If you are still interested we can set a firm time and place to meet. Then she goes off on me for being a "game player" and won't respond. I'm not invested in this particular woman or anything but it seems I just can't win. I just get done with one woman with whom I was intimate in every way, yet it seems none of that mattered... to get to another woman who it turns out was married... to another woman who gives me a classic brush off line but apparently it wasn't. I wish someone could just give me the dating manual. Everything just seems to go wrong for me. AMEN brother! I have the same bad luck as you my friend. It just seems like I cannot catch a break, and that there is no rhyme or reason to dating, and its annoying. It almost makes it near impossible TO date ya know.
MrRightNow Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 She was clearly trying to set up a date and you responded in a stupid and over-dramatic way. I'm not surprised she thinks you're playing games. 3
Maleficent Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 There is no dating manual. Sorry guys! Oh and she clearly over reacted... 1
Art_Critic Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The only manual I've ever seen looked like it was written in 720bc hieroglyphics and the code has never been cracked to be able to make sense It seems you over reacted some, I think you let your shock or the fact that you were upset at her not getting back to you right away cloud your judgement on that next interaction. No.. you are not playing games.. just didn't fall on the side of caution on this one and lost.
carhill Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Today she emails me about popping over a local coffee shop for a drink. I say: "That sounds good. I'll call you right now and we can set it up." 6
Author Mrlonelyone Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I'm wondering why you needed to share that you thought she had brushed you off. I don't think you were wrong to think she didn't want to meet up with you given that she wouldn't initially give you a specific time and place, but it appears that when she did contact you about a date and named a specific place, rather than just agreeing to it (assuming you wanted to go), you gave her some story about how you thought she had brushed you off. Why bother? Just say "okay, when are you free?" and leave it at that. Why over complicate it? At any rate, her reaction seems a little goofy (I'm not sure why she called you a gameplayer), so maybe you are better off. She didn't name a specific place. I named the place. She sent me an email about 1/2 an hour before we would have had to meet. like I'm just supposed to drop everything and fit into her "busy" schedule. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Today she emails me about popping over a local coffee shop for a drink. I say: "That sounds good. I'll call you right now and we can set it up." I get where you are coming from Carhil but I really didn't have time right then either. Which is what I told her. I told her we can pick a firm time and date and then do it. She wrote to me a long long thing about players and games and then shut down. Perhaps it's a bullet dodged. I am in the process of finalizing my MS thesis. I have to have a letter perfect copy of it to the committee by Monday. I don't have time to just drop everything right now. I can work someone into my schedule but not if they are going to make powerplays from the first move.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 She didn't name a specific place. I named the place. She sent me an email about 1/2 an hour before we would have had to meet. like I'm just supposed to drop everything and fit into her "busy" schedule. Well, it sounds like you felt brushed off at first contacts, and sort of disrespected at this one. So, bullet dodged, right?
clia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 She didn't name a specific place. I named the place. I was merely going by what you said in your original post, which is this: Today she emails me about popping over a local coffee shop for a drink. That insinuated to me that she had suggested a place. She sent me an email about 1/2 an hour before we would have had to meet. like I'm just supposed to drop everything and fit into her "busy" schedule. Of course not. It's just not that complicated. You just say "No, I'm sorry but I can't on such short notice. How about Thursday at 4 p.m.?" Or whatever. I just don't get why you had to tell her you thought she had brushed you off. That actually comes across as really insecure.
xxoo Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 She didn't name a specific place. I named the place. She sent me an email about 1/2 an hour before we would have had to meet. like I'm just supposed to drop everything and fit into her "busy" schedule. You could simply say that you couldn't make it and wished you'd had more notice. Sometimes a scheduling conflict is just a scheduling conflict.
carhill Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The OP noted that there was no agreement of a specific place or time due to her busy schedule and then the e-mail came in 1/2 hour before the scheduled meeting was to take place? In any event, such spontaneous meetings are handled as any other; if there is a meeting of minds, e.g. both people have time and feel positive about meeting up, then it happens. If not, not. For example, if I were in town and got such a call, I'd look at what I was doing and if a lunch date or 'coffee' would fit in. If so, then go; if not, offer to reschedule. This presumes I'd want to go. If I weren't in town, I'd simply state 'I need more advance notice' and explain why. IME, the first meetings are often the most difficult to arrange and I found that going with the flow seemed to provide the most positive and enjoyable results. One can view the process in an infinite number of ways. It's a choice. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 You could simply say that you couldn't make it and wished you'd had more notice. Sometimes a scheduling conflict is just a scheduling conflict. That's more or less what I said. In fact ... This is exactly what I sent. Honestly no. When you said you were on call and all that I assumed it was the brush off. So I went and did something else. If we can decide on a firm time latter this week sure.I don't know what I could have done different there. I offered to let them choose the time, and the place. They shut down. Sometimes things just don't work out. It just feels like for me I can't even get something to simply work out for a good while before not working out.
xxoo Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Do you see how the brush off comment implies that she was lying? That's very different from what I said.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Do you see how the brush off comment implies that she was lying? That's very different from what I said. xxoo Well darn it perhaps it's a sign that I just shouldn't date for a couple of years? Remember I just got done spending six months getting to know one woman, meeting her parents, having sex with her more than once... only to have them decide none of it meant anything at all. I have a history of supposedly taking things of that magnitude as being interest when they are just friendly.... right. Given that perhaps I am just so jaded and wounded that I cannot take even a slight no as anything but get away from me.
apple OR orange Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 i'm not sure about this, she did try to set up a time, however was very "on her terms", i think more investigation would be needed. wait.... you cant do it now, ok, next.
Estate Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 This is a thread where I need to vent. Messaged a woman on OKC. We chatted for a bit and seemed to be on the same wavelength so I decided to ask for a Coffee meet up to see if this was the same in person. She said oh I can't agree to a specific time on a specific day because I am on call for my job etc etc etc. I took it as a probable brush off and went about my business. Today she emails me about popping over a local coffee shop for a drink. I say look, I am used to someone being just a little too busy is a brush off. If you are still interested we can set a firm time and place to meet. Then she goes off on me for being a "game player" and won't respond. I'm not invested in this particular woman or anything but it seems I just can't win. I just get done with one woman with whom I was intimate in every way, yet it seems none of that mattered... to get to another woman who it turns out was married... to another woman who gives me a classic brush off line but apparently it wasn't. I wish someone could just give me the dating manual. Everything just seems to go wrong for me. From the Manual.... Page 101: She's a nutbag, move on.
shexy Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Maybe she really does have to be on call for her job? Maybe it wasn't a brush off?
xxoo Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Remember I just got done spending six months getting to know one woman, meeting her parents, having sex with her more than once... only to have them decide none of it meant anything at all. I have a history of supposedly taking things of that magnitude as being interest when they are just friendly.... right. In both cases, you make assumptions based on your understanding rather than talking things through clearly. A direct conversation 8 weeks in would have saved you a LOT of confusion with M. IMO, you are relying too much on signals (and often misinterpreting them), when clear communication would be much better. This woman communicated fairly clearly, but you took it as a signal of something else.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Maybe she really does have to be on call for her job? Maybe it wasn't a brush off? Problem is in online dating people are never so honest 99.99999% of the time any hint of avoidance means no.
carhill Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Reading everything, and noting the handling of an online interaction where a first meeting has not yet occurred, I'd be inclined to suggest 'taking a break'. 1
xxoo Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Problem is in online dating people are never so honest 99.99999% of the time any hint of avoidance means no. Yes, that may be so. And in that case, she wouldn't contact you when she did find some free time to meet. When a person follows through like that, it should be a nice surprise. "Oh, it wasn't a brush off after all!" You can keep that part to yourself, though (thinking it was a brush off). You needn't display your cynicism before the first date.
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