bentnotbroken77 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hey everyone, This is only my second post. The first was a cathartic TOME for which I apologize. I think this will be a TOME too, for which I apologize again. Hopefully some found / will find solace in reading my thoughts though - scattered as they are. This is a little recap and update. It's been two and a half months since my ex broke up with me. Just finding it so hard to stay the course, and this situation seems to be so much more bizarre than most of the others I've read as it truly makes NO sense and I am in a total vacuum. Would LOVE to ask mutual friends WTF, but know I can't put them in that position, and I don't really know that THEY know anything. To lightly summarize and update my story (look at my other post for the earlier nauseating details), I never did get the dignity of an explanation from my Ex of one and a half years as to why she broke up with me, but the only thing that made sense was that she had commitment issues and just rationalized that I had to go. I was the guy who, when we took a little break when she started imploding, promised to be there for her and do what I could to help her work her issues out, together. When she broke up with me, I stayed strong and took my overnight stuff from her apartment and gave her her keys and left. Later, she contacted me and what I thought was an attempt to talk really was a "so, we can be friends NOW, right?" and I said no. At that time, before I gave the definitive no, she had told me that her family was coming from hours away to see a show I was in a month later. Just before the date of the show, she hunted me down in a location she knew I'd be, presumably to see how I'd receive her family. Neither of us wanted to leave and we kept chit chatting for three quarters of an hour. Next day they all came to the show, ex and family, and I saw them afterward. Hugs from the family, and hug hello and goodbye for the ex - again, it felt like neither of us wanted to leave the hug. Mom even said "we really hope to see you again". UGH. Since then, NC. Because of the circles and the town we live in, plus mutual friends etc., its hard to escape one another altogether. Even on twitter I get her re-tweets, some of which seem kinda needy but I try not to read too much in. It's hard. I want to think they're childish ways of reaching out but…. She alternates between tweeting like crazy and not tweeting at all to throwing in a zinger about setting up dates etc. I'm generally trying to ignore things but hard when she gets retweeted onto my twitter feed, which I use for work. Just finding it hard to stay the course. I know I can't connect with her, no matter how much I want to. If I do, I'm validating the way she treated me and enabling her, which means if we DO get back together, I live life as a puppy - I can't and won't do that. At the same time, all these little tweets, some of which are about little meaningless things that were VERY meaningful for us, the fact she seems to have issues moving on (from what I can tell from her tweets etc.), her family and our friends still being clueless as to what happened and talking to me. I just want to scream out "if only you would TALK to me, then maybe there WOULD be something we can salvage even of our friendship". Sometimes I think I'm dead to her. Other times I think she's reaching out in passive ways (which I know is BS even if its true). Sometimes I think she feels like she's made a mistake but is too proud and stubborn to admit it. Sometimes I think she's just playing power games - I got controlled before, and now I'm not going to let that happen again (even though I was giving her RIDICULOUS amounts of space). I know this is the same old thing as so many people have gone through. This all just seems so stupid, but I know there is something real in her head, even if it isn't REALLY real. Maybe it is real. I don't know as she never had the courage to really tell me and I truly believe that I was entitled to at least that. A lot of times I just feel that if we actually TALKED, a lot could be resolved, but that's me being rational and nothing about this is rational. Anyway, just thought I'd throw my update out there and see if anyone else has strategies for coping. I AM using NC to deconstruct my emotional connections to her, and I am getting better, but there are days…. This is one…. Thanks all for listening to my rants! BNB77
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